Dear Juanita:

Part 1: This is what you shared about your husband early in June: “I know now that he’s one of those natural charmers who can wear a smile whilst they lie in your face… I never had a responsible partner at my side… I AM clear that I do not want to be with him anymore, but I feel guilty if someone does something nice for me and then veer into confusion, a bit like Alice falling down the rabbit hole…

“I cannot ever list all the lies, it is impossible, there are too many to count. It is a continuum with every contact we have. I don’t know most of the time what is the truth and what is a lie as I find them out later, sometimes serious issues, but often about silly, irrelevant things… He often spent the whole monthly shopping money in the first week (I was the sole earner)… He spent all of my savings in secret. He told me shopping costs were very expensive (I was paying) but in reality he was siphoning money off for himself. Then he lied about that too until I proved it. He always flatly denies everything unless I can come up with proof.

“Recent example of all the endless, mundane lies: he has lied to me every time he spoke of the outstanding money a client owes him (changing the figure 5-6 times). Then when he asked me to do a translation for that client, I discovered the real  figure- different again”.

Part 2: Fast forward two months, and Aug 17, this is what you wrote about your husband: “he has definitely improved his awareness of his problem behaviours… we are going to have to start living together again.. He definitely acts like his gentle old self again”, and you figured the following: “He was a very good and kind husband for the first 6-7 years of our relationship, until the continuous downpour of things going wrong (it was always other people trying to ruin our lives)”.

My input today: if Part 1 are not your lies, then you have recently veered into confusion, and have fallen down the rabbit hole because he has been recently nice to you, helping you with your dog, etc. (“I feel guilty if someone does something nice for me and then veer into confusion, a bit like Alice falling down the rabbit hole”).

Part of your confusion is in your reinterpretation of the reason of the failure of the relationship, from him being a pathological liar and an irresponsible partner,  to —–> other people (not him) having tried (and succeeded) to ruin the relationship.

At this point, in context of your thread, I feel like I am living in a twilight zone.

anita