Hi Anita,

“You are beyond words. The best person that has walked into my life besides my son.” -My ex, Sep 30, 2018

I really have not given any serious thought to rekindling things with my ex. There are fleeting moments here and there when I imagine moving home, but I do not feel that I would be truly happy with her long-term. We would both have a lot of work to do, and I think she tried to make it work as long as she could. I was not willing to make the commitment, as I never just through the was the one for me. I dealt with an ex who dealt with severe mental health issues and I don’t think I wanted to partner with someone who dealt with unresolved issues—especially when I battle my own. This may be selfish on my part but it’s honest.

While I think she loves me, she put those “walls” up and pushes aside the “what if’s” or “what could have been’s.” You asked if she blogs? No—at least not publically. Most of my quotes are from text messages or emails (where we did most of our serious talking). This is a text from May 2018–about four months before I left for DC:

And there’s limited commitment with us – for understandable reasons. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to wonder if I’m determined to make this work… I don’t know. I don’t have the right wording here. It’s just – I refuse to throw all of this away when you move. And I know you don’t see the move as a break-up either, but you also say you don’t know what’s going to happen. And of course we don’t know what’s going to happen, but the anxiety of that response without a “but we’re going to do everything we can to try” as a follow up to that really…. puts a knot in my throat. This really isn’t the best way to talk about this, I know but if you really want to know the truth I examine almost everything I say because I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to scare you, I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want you to hold back in this relationship because you fear hurting me. So I keep quiet and I’m as careful as possible about letting my emotions and intentions out.

She truly saw something special in me and in our relationship. And while I saw qualities in her I admires, and pushed her to achieve new goals, I did not see a lifetime with her. I should have been honest with her, but I did not know for sure at the time and I did not want her to pass up the opportunity for a new life in DC. And as I said before, my bond with her son perpetuated the relationship longer than it naturally should have lived. This is just one of the heart’s filthy lessons I suppose.

As for your initial question, I don’t know how long I’ll be a part of her son’s life. I still buy him the occasional gift or clothes and talk to him whenever I can. However, if things grow more serious with her current beau, she may find less of a reason for her son to talk to me (regardless of what she’s said in the past). And, eventually, I’ll end up in a relationship. It’s difficult to say if I’ll devote as much energy in trying to maintain a relationship with him, when it often feels like a one-way street with his mother. This is a Feb 2019 text from her—a month and a half after she arrived in DC:

My concern is that you are in a different relationship than I am. Whenever I talk about my future it’s to make things better for three of us – me, my son, and you. When you talk about my future is to make things better for me and my son. This is more why I feel like a project than any gift that you give me. You want to make life/future better for me with no expectation of being in my life in the future. At least not in the capacity I envision. This wasn’t necessarily a conversation I was looking to have now or via text, but there’s going to come a point in the near future that we need to have a frank discussion about our relationship. You’ve always avoided talking about it. Even at the beginning you said things like “oh, you said the C word”. Taking it as a joke, as it was mostly intended, I didn’t think much of it until we are more than 1.5 years into a relationship without any real discussion about our future. And I’ve been patient because you were working on moving here- things will be better when he moves. Things will get better when I move there. Things will get better when he moves out of his friend’s place. Now things will get better when you get a different job. And by better I don’t mean our relationship will be perfect but just that you can take a minute to think about us and our future rather than just yours. And now your search for a new job is taking you anywhere, but when I say I’m willing to move and follow you your silence and tiptoe around the conversation echoes so loudly in my universe. I want a family. I want a partner who is committed to making a future with me- working toward something together while still working on our individual selves. And based on a comment the other week, I believe you are in this relationship for my son. You love him and he loves you. You love helping people and it brings you joy, so who better to help than a helpless, amazing little boy whose father has abandoned him and whose mother had a lot of room for growth. And I believe that you think if you and I are not a couple that your relationship with my son will disappear. I’m here to tell you that’s not the case. He needs good, male influences and I’m not going to deny him that in you just because you and I aren’t romantically involved. You’ve even said to me “You’ll always be my friend.” Ouch. But true. I don’t see any reason why we can’t be friends especially since we are all we have out here. And I can’t see why we can’t be friends with benefits on occasion. But we will have to decide what exactly our relationship is or is going to be because my heart needs a rest. My brain needs a rest. I cannot go on guessing and wondering and hoping. If we are meant to be friends, then great! I’d love that. If we are meant to be more then we need to talk about our future. And I’d love that too (btw)! But, full disclosure, I hold a solid resentment toward you for moving into that place. And I’m sorry this topic is coming out like this but you’ve kinda opened it up a bit with your last texts and it seemed like you wanted a response and I just respond in a neutral way when these words have been ready to burst for a bit now.

I wish my being in your life gave you more fulfillment. Me moving to DC was not just for you. I needed a change, I needed to explore, I’m getting a little better but I’ll likely be back home next year.

You’re a lot of good things for me. You encouraged me to get a masters, you’ve helped support me financially and emotionally for the last almost two years. I’m not heartbroken – I can’t be mad at you for not falling in love with me. It sucks that I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic and I need those three words. You show affection and love, whether you want to see that it’s love or not. But I need the words of affirmation. You’ve been good to me in a lot of ways. And we have a lot of good memories that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I’m glad I’m out here and I’m glad you have been in my life in the capacity that you are. There’s no need to apologize so profusely. You do need to start seeing a counselor. And you need to go to the gym. And you must change your inner voice. All I can do is offer the ways I change mine whenever I start heading south or hit rock bottom. I still struggle with being a single mom and there are days I hate myself so much for having a kid. And I hate my son. Then the next day I hate myself for hating myself. Some days I wish I had no emotions so I wasn’t on this constant emotional roller coaster. But it all boils down to keeping a better inner voice. Don’t be so worried about helping me and apologizing to me–help you and apologize to you.

Full disclosure, I knew things weren’t rainbows and butterflies when we talked just before I got the official offer from the consulting firm. But, the real question was – with or without you in the picture, would I regret not taking the opportunity? The answer was yes. I knew it would be hard. I knew I would miss home. Shit, I had a pretty good idea that we wouldn’t make it to the end of my lease. But I couldn’t live with the regret of not moving from home for a little while – the opportunity passed me up twice before and I wasn’t going to do it again. So don’t beat yourself up. It’s all good. And I’m out here if ya need someone and when you need to get into a different space, and my son and I are always around.

Things soured a bit after this, and while we had many fun experiences together there in DC, there were many moments when she was angry at me, depressed, lonely, and all of the above. She needed to cut me loose and she did last year. Her son is almost a year older now, and my ex seems to be in a better stop mentally, so I think she is not as angry as she was (and things with her son are better for them both). Her mom and step-dad get him every Friday night and he spends time with her beau.