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Conflicted about an event

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  • September 14, 2020 at 6:25 am #366658
    Bill
    Participant

    Over the past few days, I can’t stop thinking about a memory of something that happened over two years. I don’t know why but it never mattered before, now I can’t seem to think without coming back to it. I thought I’d share it in the forum and understand it better if someone else got to know.

    As I said it was around two years ago, I was staying at my Aunt’s house because I was studying in another city. I was alone for the night and this old friend of mine, a person who I have known for years, asks me if he can come over. He does and then he asks me if he can drink here. Being in a conservative society that abhors drinking, I said no because it wasn’t my place, it was my aunt’s place. However after repeated asking and arguments, he does drink and so do I. This is my first time.

    While we are drinking he suddenly asks me if I would be open to having sex with him. This is a man who ive known for years and I could never have fathomed he’d be like this. I say no, again and again, but he doesn’t listen. He tries to do it with me, but I push him off however he Till makes me do things. Then when it’s over, he leaves.

    I don’t know why it is coming back after all this time. I never drank again, I never called people again,never told them I’m alone. I keep on thinking and I feel an intense shame. I seem to think that I defiled my Aunt’s house, that I drank in there and that happened, and that I deserved it. Some of the things I read online recommend therapy but that isn’t possible for the time being. I am conflicted as to whether I should confess to my parents and to my Aunt, whether I should confront him again. Someone told me about this forum and I thought I’d post it here, although I don’t know what to do.

     

     

    September 14, 2020 at 10:30 am #366704
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bill:

    You shared that about two years ago, while you stayed in your aunt’s house, being alone there one night, an old friend of yours, whom you’ve known for years, asked to visit you there. You agreed and he came over with alcohol, asking you if he can drink, you said No, but “after repeated asking and arguments”, the two of you drank alcohol that night, in your aunt’s house.

    Next, while drinking, he asked you for the first time, if you “would be open to having sex with him”. You said no, but he kept asking; he then went ahead trying to have sex with you, you pushed him away, but ended up doing some sexual things with him. When the sexual activity was over, he left.

    Since then you didn’t drink alcohol again, never told friends that you were alone anywhere (so that they will not suggest to visit you when you are alone), and you feel “an intense shame”, for having defiled your aunt’s house by drinking there and having some sexual activity in her house.

    “I am conflicted as to whether I should confess to my parents and to my aunt, whether I should confront him again”-

    My input:

    1. I think that it is not a good idea, at this point, that you confess to your parents or aunt about what happened.

    2. This former friend asked you questions: can he drink, can he have sex with you, not because he wanted your answer, but because he wanted a Yes. When you answered with a No, he pressured you to change your No to a Yes. He was very disrespectful, dishonest, selfish and unethical with you.

    3. You were not assertive with him. You said No, but you didn’t insist it’s a No. Just because someone wants you to do something and then does not accept your No, does not mean that you should change your No to a Yes. You have to protect yourself from others’ disrespect, dishonesty, and selfishness. The right thing to do, once he was there with you and refused to accept your No, would have been to tell him to leave your aunt’s house immediately.

    – I have more to say but I first need to know if you are still in contact with this person, if you see him sometimes, and what do you know about his life since that incident about two years ago?

    anita

    September 14, 2020 at 3:26 pm #366724
    Bill
    Participant

    Thank you for reading and the response.

    I am not in contact with the person, although I have met him a few times since then. I don’t know much about his life because I never asked anyone about him but I believe he still drinks and such but I have not heard of anything similar to my experience

    September 14, 2020 at 4:19 pm #366731
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bill:

    You are welcome. I asked if you know anything about his life since that event because I was wondering if he hurt other people like he hurt you (and if you could do anything about preventing him from hurt others).

    You mentioned confronting him- maybe you should, so to do what you didn’t do during that event or after- to let him know what he did wrong, and to let him know that he hurt you. It may give you some peace of mind to confront him, and maybe, just maybe because you confront him- he will be less likely to repeat the same behavior and hurt more people.

    * I still see no reason to tell your parents or aunt about what happened, because once you tell them, you can’t un-tell them, they will always remember and be burdened by this information, and I imagine that it will make you feel worse, not better.

    If you want to prepare for such a confrontation by posting what you intend to tell him, please do so and I will give you my input on it.

    anita

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