Dear Bach:

You shared that you are in a relationship with your very first boyfriend (I’ll refer to him as B), and that the relationship of 4.5 years was interrupted by a breakup during which you didn’t see anyone, but  B “was with another girl, on off the whole time”- I’ll refer to her as G.

Following getting back together you “kind of can’t accept that he was with another girl. That he was intimate with another girl… received and bought presents.. woke up next to.. shared maybe secrets..” Sometimes you think that he is “thinking of her now and that he remembers her”. You wonder if he compares you to her, as she is “prettier and different in the character” than you, that you “may be boring and he would wish for, or remember her”.

“Has anyone maybe been in a similar situation? I would really appreciate your advice”- yes, I experienced a very similar emotional experience many times, and based on what I learned, this is what I suggest, look at the bigger picture:

– B may have had a previous girlfriend before you, or a relationship of some kind with another girl or other girls before the two of you got together (?)

– While together with you, B sees other women in real life, talks to them, when he is with you and separately, and/ or he sees celebrities who are prettier than you, who seem at times to be more exciting to be with, and at times while with you and separately, images and memories of other women appear in his mind. Men are very visual, meaning, they tend to be physically attracted to women by just looking at them. So almost every man, if not every man gets attracted to multiple women every day, or every month, or every year, having attractive images of them, thinking how it would be to be with them, etc.

In other words, G is not the only other woman in B’s mind, there are others and there will be more. You can’t change this reality, no woman can. It is therefore a reality you better learn to live with, and not fight against.

Let’s look at what he told you: “He says that he never imagined himself being more serious with her.. he was thinking of me”- well, sometimes he was thinking of her in favorable ways, that’s why he was with her during the on-times of the on-off relationship. This is a reality that you cannot change or edit out, no matter what you ask him and what he answers. The more questions you ask him about his relationship with G, the more inaccuracies/ incomplete answers you will receive because he wants you to stop asking and will say what is more likely to satisfy you, so that you feel better and stop asking.

It is similar to this: a child is an only child and enjoys lots of attention from her parents, then a sibling is born and the child, not only the only one, is jealous of attention being taken away from her. The child wants to be the only one, the one and only, and forever so. But in real life we have to share. It is difficult to share, but we have to ease into it because we will feel better for it and have better lives.

I am not saying that a woman should learn to share her boyfriend with other women physically, as in an open relationship, what I am saying is that a woman can learn to share her boyfriend’s brain with images and memories, emotions and desires for other women for as long as he keeps these images etc. to himself, as long as he loves you and his behavior is that of loyalty and dedication to you.

Regarding your fear that “she would return.. because they were mostly on/off”- less chances of that because you B was with you for 4.5 years before the breakup, while with her, it was on-off for a much shorter time overall (?). Plus, look at his behavior so far: if he never cheated on you, if he is a decent person overall, loyal to his friends, caring about other people’s feelings, considerate, a man of his word in practice- then he is likely to be decent and loyal to you as well.

You are welcome to reply to my post and if you want, we can continue to communicate on the matter.

anita

Dear Rach:

You are welcome, and no need to be sorry for the long post- it is not long to me. I am not the author of the blogs you mentioned, by the way, my only activity is this lovely website is in these Forums, being a member, just like you (but a very active member, for over 5.5 years).

You shared that you are still not relaxed, that you are afraid that he will leave you, afraid that he compares you with his ex girlfriend (G); afraid that he will think that you are boring and go back to G, and that’s why you tend to choose your words in such a way as to compete with G, “to be more interesting or more funny” than her.

You shared that your boyfriend expressed to you that he thinks that you are insecure, and that he doesn’t understand why you “can’t let go and why (you) still have insecurities”, he “doesn’t understand where this insecurity comes from”-

– It may help to figure out what he doesn’t understand: your fears/  insecurity. It is understandable that a woman is afraid that her boyfriend will leave her because breakups do exist (and already existed, in the relationship with him). But, if your boyfriend is reasonably honest and dependable (which seems to be the case, from what you shared), then you being consumed with fear that he will leave probably has to do with your childhood.

“I don’t know how to heal myself… I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to be a burden to someone because of my insecurities”. Perhaps if you understand your fear/ insecurities better, you will be able to lessen and lessen the fear/ insecurities, and feel more and more peace and confidence.

You wrote: “I am someone with family issues, with a lot of obligations”- if you want to, please elaborate on that, explain what you mean by family issues, and when/ how these issues came to be?

anita