Dear Tati:

You shared that you are 30, living in a major U.S. city. You had a long term relationship that ended three years ago. You tried dating locally since, but most of the men you met were “either looking for sex or not who they said they were”. So, you ventured farther away, putting your dating profile on global.

A month and a half ago, you started communicating with a man who lives in Europe. From the beginning, he was “instantly interested” in you, asking you a lot of questions, saying sweet things, hinting at a serious relationship, was very nice and forward with his feelings. He told you that his last girlfriend, two years ago, was long distant, within Europe, and it “didn’t bother him”.

The two of you “talked romantically for about three weeks.. all day texting”, there was only one phone call and you felt that the communication was not enough. You felt “very overwhelmed.. insecure, unsure and just very anxious”. By the end of the three weeks, you felt “so upset” that you ended up telling him that you “couldn’t do this anymore”, and you accused him of a lot of things that you don’t think are true, such as hiding things/ hiding that he has a girlfriend.

Following that, the two of you didn’t talk for two days. On the third day you sent an apology message. Following that you are back communicating, “but it has never been the same. He is way more distant than before.. never mentions anything romantic anymore or how he’s feeling” about you and otherwise.

My input and suggested answers:

1. “is it even worth it”?- no, I don’t think so. There is no chance that a relationship limited to texting and an occasional or rare phone call can be a satisfying love relationship. At best, it can pass the time and be entertaining at times.

2. “did I ruin it completely”?- you ruined a texting exchange, that is all. You didn’t ruin anything beyond that.

3. “how did his feelings switch so quickly when he was so ready to ask me would I ever take him serious”-

-I don’t know the nature of his feelings, but think of this: you can watch a movie of a love story and feel strongly.. but nothing has happened really, in your life: It was only a movie and your feelings were limited to the context of the movie, gone some time after watching the movie. Similarly, his feelings were limited to the context of texting.

-I am not surprised that you suspected him of hiding something, like hiding a girlfriend- it is too easy to hide a whole lots of things when a person is an ocean or two away from you, when you have no history with him irl, when you don’t have any mutual acquaintances or friends, when you don’t know where he works or where he lives, and even if you did, you can’t get there.

You wrote that many of the local men you met were “not who they said they were”- it is way easier for a man in another continent to not be who he says he is.

Also, there is the reality of cybersex, one online definition: “a virtual sex encounter in which two  of more people connected remotely via computer network send each other sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. Cybersex is a sub-type of technology- mediated sexual interactions”. It is possible that his sweet talking you was his .. sort of foreplay leading to a hoped-for virtual sex experience with you. Maybe he is a shy person and therefore didn’t suggest it right away.

He told you that it didn’t bother him to have had a long distance girlfriend before- if it is true, why didn’t it bother him to not be close to his girlfriend.. this doesn’t sound healthy.

You wrote that you are having such a hard time letting go because you didn’t meet or clicked with anyone for three years. I know from  experience that finding a life partner through dating locally, in a big U.S. city, is possible. It is about coming up with the right profile, and going about the whole process of dating in a smart way. I will be glad to communicate with you further on the matter.

anita