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New Long Distance Love Help

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  • #370201
    Tati
    Participant

    Simply writing because just looking for some advice. I am about a month and a half ago I started talking to a man that I met online that lives in a different country, we have never met in real life. Background on me, I am a 30 yo female who lives in a major city in the US where dating is very hard. I was in long term relationship that ended 3 years ago and since then have tried dating. I have tried meeting people locally but most of the men I met where either looking for sex or not who they said they were which prompted me to putting my dating profile on global.

    From the very first couple of days that I started talking to him, he was instantly interested me, asking a lot about me, saying a lot of sweet things, asking would I ever take him or relationship seriously even though we were so far apart. He also mention his last girlfriend (they broke up 2 years ago) also lived in another country (both of them in Europe though) and they dated for three years, so doing long-distance didn’t bother him. Regarding us, he is six hours ahead and that sometimes left massive gaps of time with little to no communication. Long story short we talked romantically for about three weeks but I feel I was just feeling very overwhelmed by how nice he was and forward he was with his feelings he seemed, insecure, unsure and just very anxious. I also felt he wasn’t communicating as much as I would like, also wasn’t really trying to initiate FaceTime or phone calls which I thought were important. We talked on the phone only one time in the 3 weeks, other than that its was just all day texting. When I mentioned the lack of communication bothered me on a couple occasions, he would try and pick up communication but also said he’s not super into being on his phone all day which I can respect.  But by the end of the 3 weeks, I felt so upset about my needs not being met that I ended up telling him I couldn’t do this anymore then went on to accuse him of a lot of things that I honestly don’t even think are true. I have trust issues and I don’t think it helps with the fact that he’s so far or again, wasn’t communicating in the way i feel he should have. I said things like did he have a secrete girlfriend or was he hiding something (again, I don’t actually think that). We didn’t talk for two days after that conversation and on the third day I sent a message apologizing to him for basically questioning his character. Since then, it’s been 3 weeks and we are still talking but it has never been the same. He is way more distant than before, still replying but sometimes takes hours or days. But he never mentions anything romantic anymore or how hes feeling, how he feels about me, etc. I seems more just like friendly but I don’t understand why he’s still writing if he’s uninterested. Also, how did his feelings switch so quickly when he was so ready to ask me would I ever take him serious. My question is, did I ruin it completely by being so needy in the beginning and/or is there a way to get it back to how it was in the beginning? Also, is it even worth it because honestly the distance is a huge factor and I don’t think any of us would be willing to move. I think the reason I’m having such a hard time letting go is because I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked or clicked with since my last relationship which ended 3 years ago and he does seem like a nice guy who aligns with some of the things I’m looking for. Just feeling confused….

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    #370230
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    You shared that you are 30, living in a major U.S. city. You had a long term relationship that ended three years ago. You tried dating locally since, but most of the men you met were “either looking for sex or not who they said they were”. So, you ventured farther away, putting your dating profile on global.

    A month and a half ago, you started communicating with a man who lives in Europe. From the beginning, he was “instantly interested” in you, asking you a lot of questions, saying sweet things, hinting at a serious relationship, was very nice and forward with his feelings. He told you that his last girlfriend, two years ago, was long distant, within Europe, and it “didn’t bother him”.

    The two of you “talked romantically for about three weeks.. all day texting”, there was only one phone call and you felt that the communication was not enough. You felt “very overwhelmed.. insecure, unsure and just very anxious”. By the end of the three weeks, you felt “so upset” that you ended up telling him that you “couldn’t do this anymore”, and you accused him of a lot of things that you don’t think are true, such as hiding things/ hiding that he has a girlfriend.

    Following that, the two of you didn’t talk for two days. On the third day you sent an apology message. Following that you are back communicating, “but it has never been the same. He is way more distant than before.. never mentions anything romantic anymore or how he’s feeling” about you and otherwise.

    My input and suggested answers:

    1. “is it even worth it”?- no, I don’t think so. There is no chance that a relationship limited to texting and an occasional or rare phone call can be a satisfying love relationship. At best, it can pass the time and be entertaining at times.

    2. “did I ruin it completely”?- you ruined a texting exchange, that is all. You didn’t ruin anything beyond that.

    3. “how did his feelings switch so quickly when he was so ready to ask me would I ever take him serious”-

    -I don’t know the nature of his feelings, but think of this: you can watch a movie of a love story and feel strongly.. but nothing has happened really, in your life: It was only a movie and your feelings were limited to the context of the movie, gone some time after watching the movie. Similarly, his feelings were limited to the context of texting.

    -I am not surprised that you suspected him of hiding something, like hiding a girlfriend- it is too easy to hide a whole lots of things when a person is an ocean or two away from you, when you have no history with him irl, when you don’t have any mutual acquaintances or friends, when you don’t know where he works or where he lives, and even if you did, you can’t get there.

    You wrote that many of the local men you met were “not who they said they were”- it is way easier for a man in another continent to not be who he says he is.

    Also, there is the reality of cybersex, one online definition: “a virtual sex encounter in which two  of more people connected remotely via computer network send each other sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. Cybersex is a sub-type of technology- mediated sexual interactions”. It is possible that his sweet talking you was his .. sort of foreplay leading to a hoped-for virtual sex experience with you. Maybe he is a shy person and therefore didn’t suggest it right away.

    He told you that it didn’t bother him to have had a long distance girlfriend before- if it is true, why didn’t it bother him to not be close to his girlfriend.. this doesn’t sound healthy.

    You wrote that you are having such a hard time letting go because you didn’t meet or clicked with anyone for three years. I know from  experience that finding a life partner through dating locally, in a big U.S. city, is possible. It is about coming up with the right profile, and going about the whole process of dating in a smart way. I will be glad to communicate with you further on the matter.

    anita

    #370249
    Tati
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    thank you for your response. I agree with many things you said. I will say, when I mentioned my insecurities about him having a secret life, he literally said “people can have a secret life anywhere even if they live next door, you just have to learn to trust people”. I agree with his logic and know that he wasn’t actually doing anything that should have made me suspicious but I can also agree with you that not being able to see him or be close to him, stop by his workplace or house if I wanted to probably played a part. As far as the cyber sex thing, I really never got that vibe from him and he never mentioned anything sexual the entire time we talked so I do honestly think he’s a decent guy who just isn’t meeting my needs, but I also wasn’t sure if I was just being too needy considering the circumstances.

    As far as dating in a big city, I live in Miami lol. Not exactly the place to find people who are looking for a serious long term relationship or also men who have their stuff together. If you’re looking for a good time, a party, or a 30 year old man who still lives at home and is “self employed” or an “entrepreneur” which always just equates to Being jobless, then this is definitely the place. I’m originally from New York and have lived here for 3 years and haven’t experienced anything like i have trying to date here, it’s very discouraging.

    #370252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    You are welcome. My successful online dating experience was in Los Angeles, a bigger city than Miami.  I didn’t read all of your recent post but will when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. If you want to add anything before I return, please do.

    anita

    #370302
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    “when I mentioned my insecurities about him having a secret life, he literally said ‘people can have a secret life anywhere even if they live next door, you just have to learn to trust people’. I agree with his logic”.

    I don’t agree with his logic. Basically, what he told you is that because people can betray your trust next door to you, you should trust people everywhere. My logic is: people can betray your trust next door to you and far away from you; therefore, you should be reasonably cautious and get to know a person over time before you invest significant time, emotion, or money in him/ her.

    He told you that it didn’t bother him that his last girlfriend was long-distance, suggesting that he wouldn’t mind you being his long-distance girlfriend. Any idea why it didn’t and wouldn’t bother him to not be physically with a girlfriend?

    anita

    #370336
    Tati
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree that you should trust people over time, but I also don’t think it’s his fault that I don’t necessarily trust people. I actually did date a guy here in miami that ended up having a child and a weird situationship/girlfriend and was complete blindsided so I think that causes me to always think the worst, especially in this case where  that person is so far away.

    I never asked him much about that relationship however he is a flight attendant on an airline that only services Europe which they both lived in so I’m sure it was much easier to see her than it would be to see me here in the states. Also, when I asked about why he would want to date someone so far, he always just mentioned that distance didn’t bother him because if we both haven’t met  people in our local cities that we were able to be serious with, why should the distance matter. I didn’t find it that crazy because I have know people who have met their spouse or SO online and ended up together in the same city and with a future so I guess I didn’t find it that weird. But I also said we would need to meet first before I ever considered that and he agreed. We hadn’t set a date or anything but we did talk about me a few times.

    #370337
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    I will be back to your thread, read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #370348
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    His long distance relationship with his last girlfriend was not all that long-distance then, if he worked as a flight attendant on an airline that serves only Europe, and Europe is small- maybe  they got together in-person every week.

    Wikipedia has an entry called List of airlines of Europe, including the list of all airlines based in each and every country in Europe. If he told you which airline he worked for, in which country it is based- this entry may help you verify what he told you. For example, Easy Jet Europe Airline is a European low-cost airline that is based in Vienna, Austria, and operates scheduled flights across Europe. Its first flight was on July 20, 2017. Let’s say the guy told you that this is the airline where he worked in 2015. You can then verify in other online sources what you read in Wikipedia, and if the information is verified, you will know that there is a discrepancy between what he told you and what you found online.

    I imagine you were quite hurt and disturbed when you found out that a guy you dated in Miami, a local guy, had a situationship, a girlfriend and a child you didn’t know about.

    I understand your reasoning that meeting a man who lives across the world may develop into a relationship if the two meet in person and at least one of the people is willing to move. I didn’t consider this because in your original post you wrote: “I don’t think any of us would be willing to move”.

    What can help you figure out the chances of him being willing to move to your country later, is what are his  investments where he lives: if he has a stable job there that cannot be transferred to a working-from-home situation, if he has close ties with his family there, etc., then he is not likely to move. On the other hand, if he lives alone, if works from home, if he does not work, if has few or weak ties with family and friends there- then he is more likely to be motivated to move.

    Asking him about his plans, short term and long term can help a lot in figuring out a possible future with him.

    anita

    #370350
    Tati
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I did fact check and know what airline he works for, I don’t think he was making that part up.

    As far as moving for someone, I will be general and say I would not mind moving to a place for someone I love because I’m not the type to get tied to one city, I feel like I would love to live a lot of different places. As far as moving for him or to some random southern part of France he lives in, I just feel like he would have to put in way more effort than he is now but again, not sure if he’s not due to what happened in the past.

    As far as him moving, he did say he would also move somewhere if the person was worth it but he also loves his job (but again, the airline only services Europe) and I know he has a big base of friends and family near by so I just don’t see that happening. I don’t know how easy that is to change airlines but I also feel like that’s a lot to ask someone from an entirely different place and culture.

    #370357
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    If there was a study and statistics on the future of people who (1) did not meet in-person, but on a dating app, (2) people who live in different countries, and (3) neither has a predetermined intent to move to that other country (ex., wanting to immigrate to the other country and is seeking a sponsor)- I would have liked to see that study, and to know the chances of such contact ending with a life together, in-person.

    Let’s say that at the end of the three weeks of texting and one phone call, you did not tell him that you can’t do it, and you did not accuse him of anything; let’s say that you were thoroughly very nice romantic, and witty etc., what would it have taken for this texting/ online relationship to end in a life together?

    In trying to answer this question, better address first the “And They Lived Happily Ever After” fairytale factor, one that we read in fairytales, magazine stories, books and seen in movies.  When you think about your particular “New Long Distance Love” story (the title of your thread)- you have to remove the fairytale factor before considering the real-life chances.

    At this time of restrictions on social gatherings, bars and restaurants closed- internet is the only perfectly safe social opportunity for love and romance. He may have communicated only with you for a while, he may have communicated with others (online apps have lots of members, it is too tempting to not check.. what else is out there).

    What about the time when the restrictions are a thing of the past, maybe next year after adequate vaccinations, when there are opportunities for physical socializing- will he still prefer to limit himself to texting over attending parties and such?

    Reality is, you are in Miami, your life is as it is, and better not put all your eggs in this one basket. I understand that you were unsuccessful in the last three years dating in Miami, but there are ways to learn from that experience and improve your dating skills within Miami, becoming successful- all you need is just one real-life dating success story.

    anita

    #370508
    Ally
    Participant

    Hi, this is my first ever post in a forum, im struggling!

    I met a guy online over 13 years ago, we live over 400 miles away from each other so I thought a relationship was a no go but we chatted and we became good friends.

    Ove the years we’d lose touch, then get back in touch (several times) and in March of 2019 I found him on a dating app and sent him a message. Delighted to hear from me, we exchanged numbers (again) and messaged each other all day everyday for 6 weeks, then I went to visit him, we clicked instantly, I knew as soon as I saw him he was my one, and vice versa, wen had an amazing week, fell head over heels in love with each other, it was perfect.

    We continued messaging and talking every night on the phone, he visited me for a week met my family, my 3 kids and mum said finally you’ve found a lovely man, the future, our future looked perfect, he was looking for jobs where I live, we save every week for our future, we save a little then do a little renovation in what is going to be our home, he’s sold the majority of the contents of his house ready for when he gets a job near me and he’s moving in, the future looked rosy….until last week when he accidentally sent me a nude of another woman! I was floored, asked what I was looking at, he said, im sorry, that was an accident, you should never have seen that, I downloaded a photo saving app and all my photos came up from the cloud that I’ve used since I sacred using iPhone in 2011, I thought I’d deleted everything, I would never intentionally hurt you  im so sorry, I replied, I cant talk to you right now, hung up the phone, I was numb!

    The following day at work i thought of nothing else, called him when I finished and he apologised again, said please forgive me its from my past, you know how I feel about you, I love you so much, we chatted for a while I told him I could understand him having pictures of women before me, but I cant get my head round why he still had the pic when he’s so into deleting stuff he does want or need, he doesn’t even keep our conversations on text or WhatsApp, I told him I needed time, we still message all day wveryday and talk every night, but im hurt!

    The pic was a snap chat and was screen shot on his new phone( I know this because he got himself an iPhone 11 in September and the time/signal layout is different from the iPhone 8 which he had previously) yes ive investigated lol this is driving me insane.

    I have thought about forgiving him and moving on, but I get this wave of anger and I just want to see him face to face to ask the questions ive got, ive also thought about ending it but I don’t want to do that on the phone or a message, I believe that what we have is worth more than a shitty dear John.

    I love this man so much, im 48 he’s 52, we ain’t no spring chickens! I guess i just need to hear from others, because at the moment I feel alone and slightly round the bend.

    Thanks xx

    #370535
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Ally:

    I read your post. Can you copy it and paste it into your own thread (go to Forums at the top, choose a Category- Relationships, scroll down the page). I don’t understand the iPhone/ WhatsApp technology, so can you add to your post if the naked photo he accidently sent you is one of a woman in his past that he chose to not delete, or is it that he is still involved with that woman via phone/online communication, or otherwise?

    I am looking forward to read from you and reply further on your own thread.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #370538
    Ally
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita, sorry, ive done it.</p>
    Thanks

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