Hi Anita,

I was cut out by my mother in many ways during childhood. As I mentioned she and my dad divorced when I was only 2. They got married young, and my mother had me at 21 years old. So she was only 23 and a divorced woman. She wanted to be a single woman with friends and go out and be a girl in her 20’s, which left me staying with my grandmother very often, or sleepovers at friends’ houses. Then when I was 6 she married my stepdad, but before that she had some really horrific boyfriends. I remember one jerk used to light matches in my face and terrify me! I don’t think she ever did anything to stop him. When she married my stepdad, he was a very insecure man, and constantly comparing her love for me and her love for him. He used to ask weird questions like who did she love more, and she would give mixed answers as to not offend either of us. I always felt like she was afraid of getting divorced again, plus he was abusive, so she went along with him….until she didn’t. And things got very very volatile when she would stand up to him. Then she went into a sort of hibernation. I remember for several years of my life, everyone was in their own room. She would hide in her bedroom reading, I would be in my room playing games or watching TV, and my stepfather would be in the living room. We lived very separate lives, which is why I probably didn’t feel like I could come forward about what was happening with my father.

I remember the day that my stepfather finally left. I came home from school and everything of his was gone and I felt such relief. I thought she and I would be ok and could just be together and move on. And then she didn’t leave her bedroom for a year. I don’t even exaggerate. She hid in her room and was depressed and I was 14 years old. Then a few months later she met a new man. He was also horrible. She forced me to move in with him even though I made it clear I didn’t want to go. Then when I was 16 my poor mother had a massive stroke while we were living with this man and his 3 sons. That was a traumatic night, I watched her look so out of it, and wasn’t sure if she would live. This man she was with wouldn’t let me come to the hospital with her, he made his eldest son stay awake and keep me home because we had finals the next day. She was in a hospital for months for rehabilitation after that, and I just had to live alone with this man and his sons and wait for her. My grandparents were sort of in the picture but a bit removed because they disapproved of our living situation.

When my mother left this man, I was about to go to college. Once I left I NEVER came back to live with my mom again. But since she and that third man broke up, she’s been trying to make up for all the times in my life she didn’t choose me. now she’s overly generous, and a bit codependent. She doesn’t really have any friends, no more dating, and she is disabled still from the stroke. I feel badly for her but also have worked so hard to create my own life and we have a pretty good relationship now after everything. It’s taken a very long time, but I feel like I’ve been able to see things from her perspective now that I’m a mother. It’s helped us grow closer.