Dear WestCoastGal:

Your goal: “I want to have a conversation with my boyfriend about having more deep and vulnerable conversations. I want to bring it up without him feeling attacked, pressured, or annoyed”.

Ideas as to how to accomplish this goal (in a different order than how you presented them), and my comments:

1) “I’ve noticed lately that we haven’t had too many deep and vulnerable conversations“- bad idea, the words “deep and vulnerable conversations” are already associated in his brain with something negative. This opening is likely to cause him to feel defensive right away, as in: oh oh, she is blaming me again for not having those d*** deep and vulnerable conversations.

2) “I enjoy having deeper and vulnerable conversations with people, but mostly my partner because it helps me feel closer to them…”- bad idea, for the same reason I mentioned above. He is likely to feel attacked/ distressed/ uncomfortable/ annoyed- not the right state of mind and heart for anything deep and vulnerable.

3) “I just think there’s a lot more to you that I don’t know and want to learn more about you”- not a bad idea, but not a good idea either because it is too open and too vague, especially for someone who is not in the habit of diving into.. the open. He may feel that you are setting a trap for him, presenting this very open topic, and that if he says the wrong thing, he will be in trouble with you. He needs a more specific, concrete invitation.

4) “I’m excited to spend Christmas with you and your family, it means a lot that you would bring me”- that’s something positive to say, it couldn’t hinder a deep and vulnerable exchange, but I don’t see it as an invitation for such an exchange. I imagine he will smile back at you and say something short and positive in return.

Here is what I suggest: watch a movie with him, one that depicts a relationship. It doesn’t need to be Bridges in Madison County, a movie that many men consider.. not manly. It can be a movie that includes in-part a relationship (either between a parent and a child, or between two friends, or between romantic partners) and talk about that movie, tell him/ ask him: what do you think about this person’s motivation or that person’s reaction?

This context is more likely to make him feel comfortable because it is not about him or about your relationship, not directly anyway. It is about.. other people, someone else’s story. And it is based on a specific depictions and events- it is not too open. I think that this is your best chance to dive into something deep and vulnerable. If you take on my advice, make sure to not turn the conversation back to you and him, not anytime soon- keep it about the movie.

* Something I want to add, related to your previous thread: keep in mind that you have a tendency to look for things to be wrong in a relationship (“Part of me wonder if I’m just looking for things to be wrong, because I have a tendency to do that in relationships”). When you notice that you are critical of your boyfriend, remind yourself of this tendency, and that no one can be just what you wish them to be.

Also, keep in mind your past reaction of feeling turned off to guys who were interested in you (“if a guy was interested in me, I would immediately be turned off”)- this  may mean that if your boyfriend does open up to you a bit, in deep and vulnerable ways, that.. it will turn you off.

anita