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How to ask him to be vulnerable

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  • #370758
    WestCoastGal
    Participant

    Hey guys. I want to have a conversation with my boyfriend about having more deep and vulnerable conversations. I want to bring it up without him feeling attacked, pressured, or annoyed.

    The fact is that we have been together five months now, but I’m struggling to feel connected to him and think if we get into more open and honest conversations it will help.

    I have brought up to him some things that upset me before like his texting, or not feeling wanted because sometimes he doesn’t text that often. Because of this I don’t it to come across as though I’m bitching about yet another thing to him, because he is a great boyfriend.

    Anyways, I’ve written down some ideas of what to say and how to start the conversation and thought I could share here to get other opinions whether it comes across ok.

    ‘I’m excited to spend Christmas with you and your family, it means a lot that you would bring me…’   that could start it by being open about my feelings and after that I imagine he would say something nice back.

    ’I’ve noticed lately that we haven’t had too many deep and vulnerable conversations.’

    ‘I just think there’s a lot more to you that I don’t know and want to learn more about you’

    ‘I enjoy having deeper and vulnerable conversations with people, but mostly my partner because it helps me to feel closer to them…and I feel like I’m craving that more with you’

    How do any of those sound?  I also have fears that having this conversation will rock the boat or be too much after only 5 months. But he hasn’t said I love you yet, and I’m needing a little more depth. Thoughts?

    #370778
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear WestCoastGal:

    Your goal: “I want to have a conversation with my boyfriend about having more deep and vulnerable conversations. I want to bring it up without him feeling attacked, pressured, or annoyed”.

    Ideas as to how to accomplish this goal (in a different order than how you presented them), and my comments:

    1) “I’ve noticed lately that we haven’t had too many deep and vulnerable conversations“- bad idea, the words “deep and vulnerable conversations” are already associated in his brain with something negative. This opening is likely to cause him to feel defensive right away, as in: oh oh, she is blaming me again for not having those d*** deep and vulnerable conversations.

    2) “I enjoy having deeper and vulnerable conversations with people, but mostly my partner because it helps me feel closer to them…”- bad idea, for the same reason I mentioned above. He is likely to feel attacked/ distressed/ uncomfortable/ annoyed- not the right state of mind and heart for anything deep and vulnerable.

    3) “I just think there’s a lot more to you that I don’t know and want to learn more about you”- not a bad idea, but not a good idea either because it is too open and too vague, especially for someone who is not in the habit of diving into.. the open. He may feel that you are setting a trap for him, presenting this very open topic, and that if he says the wrong thing, he will be in trouble with you. He needs a more specific, concrete invitation.

    4) “I’m excited to spend Christmas with you and your family, it means a lot that you would bring me”- that’s something positive to say, it couldn’t hinder a deep and vulnerable exchange, but I don’t see it as an invitation for such an exchange. I imagine he will smile back at you and say something short and positive in return.

    Here is what I suggest: watch a movie with him, one that depicts a relationship. It doesn’t need to be Bridges in Madison County, a movie that many men consider.. not manly. It can be a movie that includes in-part a relationship (either between a parent and a child, or between two friends, or between romantic partners) and talk about that movie, tell him/ ask him: what do you think about this person’s motivation or that person’s reaction?

    This context is more likely to make him feel comfortable because it is not about him or about your relationship, not directly anyway. It is about.. other people, someone else’s story. And it is based on a specific depictions and events- it is not too open. I think that this is your best chance to dive into something deep and vulnerable. If you take on my advice, make sure to not turn the conversation back to you and him, not anytime soon- keep it about the movie.

    * Something I want to add, related to your previous thread: keep in mind that you have a tendency to look for things to be wrong in a relationship (“Part of me wonder if I’m just looking for things to be wrong, because I have a tendency to do that in relationships”). When you notice that you are critical of your boyfriend, remind yourself of this tendency, and that no one can be just what you wish them to be.

    Also, keep in mind your past reaction of feeling turned off to guys who were interested in you (“if a guy was interested in me, I would immediately be turned off”)- this  may mean that if your boyfriend does open up to you a bit, in deep and vulnerable ways, that.. it will turn you off.

    anita

    #370816
    WestCoastGal
    Participant

    Thanks Anita! That’s very helpful, and you’re right in all of that.   I can see how he would maybe get defensive or uncomfortable.  I do want to have open and honest conversations with him though, but maybe that just means me asking him ‘softer’ questions about his past, and his thoughts on relationships, rather than it coming across as though he is doing something wrong.

    #370824
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear WestCoastGal:

    You are welcome, I am glad you find my reply helpful. I hope your softer questions approach with him is successful. Post again anytime if you want more of my input.

    anita

    #371101
    Kylee
    Participant

    Dear WestCoast Gal,

    I have gone through this same exact thing with my current boyfriend! About 6 months in, I started feeling there might be some things I didn’t know about him. At this point, we had just barely became “official”, and so I felt like it was plausible to deepen the relationship a bit. When I would bring this up to him though, he said he felt bad because he believed he had been deep with me and that he thought I knew him pretty well. I reflected back on myself and why I had been feeling this way, and I chalked it up to the fact that in all my past relationships, I had gotten super close super fast. This relationship was different because we had taken the time to go on dates, only see each other a couple times a week, and allow the connection to bloom on its own. So once I was actually his girlfriend, I had felt confused because in my past relationships, 6 months in, I knew all of their trauma and they knew all of mine. I realized that me not knowing absolutely everything about him in 6 months wasn’t a loss and that I should do what I had been doing up until that point: letting the relationship bloom on its own. And it worked! A year later we are best of best friends. In the last year, I gained so much knowledge about him, but in a less controlled way. Either he’d openly come to me about something, or I’d randomly ask a question that lead him to open up.

    Obviously, my situation could be a lot different than yours, but I just thought I’d mention it in case you had a similar past to mine. All in all, I think most men have a hard time opening up and it’s not always necessarily because they don’t want to. It could be because they just don’t really think about things like that. As women, we will offer information about ourselves because we want to be understood, but most times men truly could care less about how people perceive them. I’d just try asking things you want to know, after a while, he’ll probably feel comfortable enough just telling you outright. If he has a hard time answering the questions you want to know, and depending on what the question is, that’s when I would begin to feel iffy.

     

    #371699
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Merry Christmas, WestCoastGal!

    anita

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