Forum Replies Created
December 29, 2020 at 1:18 pm #371886
Thank you Kristy this means a lot! Just knowing that there are other women in my shoes who make it possible is very reassuring. I do worry that time goes by so fast, that I’ll miss my chance, but I will stay positive and know that what’s meant to happen will. Thanks again and congrats on your baby boy! 🙂December 9, 2020 at 4:10 pm #370816
Thanks Anita! That’s very helpful, and you’re right in all of that. I can see how he would maybe get defensive or uncomfortable. I do want to have open and honest conversations with him though, but maybe that just means me asking him ‘softer’ questions about his past, and his thoughts on relationships, rather than it coming across as though he is doing something wrong.December 1, 2020 at 9:41 am #370309
Thanks Anita, to answer your questions, I had a bit of a rocky childhood. My parents separated when I was 7 for a year, and got back together again. Five years later they split again, as my dad came home one day and told us he was becoming a johova’s witness. My mom didn’t want anything to do with that, so he basically chose his religion over his family. Since then, I haven’t had a relationship at all with him. So I didn’t have a male figure growing up, basically since the age of 12 to present. I have tried to mend the relationship with him but he gets very defensive, and doesn’t want to hear how much he hurt me. As soon as I say that, he will block me on all types of platforms.
My mom has been married and engaged three times, and doesn’t have the best attitude towards men. She turned into an alcoholic, but has been there for me at least.
I was remembering the other night, trying to go back to see what my pattern was with men, and I remember when I was quite young and if a guy was interested in me, I would immediately be turned off. In my adult years, I’ve tended to chase men that aren’t ready for a relationship, have issues, or just aren’t interested. So I can see my pattern.
My friends have said that I self-sabotage, but I’m trying to still listen to my needs, ie. should I settle for someone who doesn’t speak the same love language, someone who I’m not that attracted to? Or do I try and break my pattern, and learn to love?November 30, 2020 at 5:46 pm #370256
So I had a few days to think about this and think I’m ok with being patient. However, now I can’t get out of my head that now, I’m realizing I’m not that physically attracted to him.
Its a horrible feeling in my stomach and I feel awful for having these feelings and I don’t know what to do about it. Part of me wonder if I’m just looking for things to be wrong, because I have a tendency to do that in relationships.
I’m not getting the firework, butterfly feelings around him, or when I think about him. I never actually really had those feelings from the beginning. When I think back of guys I’ve dated in the past, it was like an infatuation, and I was incredibly attracted to some of them. I’m not getting that with him, but maybe that’s a good thing? I’m really confused how to get over all of this.November 27, 2020 at 11:06 am #370034
To give you a bit of background and to answer your questions, he is the youngest of 4 kids, his other siblings are all girls. His parents divorced when he was about 3, and also has 3 step brothers.
He has opened up a little about his relationship with his parents, and mostly his dad. They don’t have much of a relationship, and rarely talk. He saw him a couple months ago, but before then it had been a few years. I actually met him in passing as well, and it was a quick handshake, and hello, but he didn’t engage in any conversation, or ask me any questions. My boyfriend said that was to be expected though.
I believe he was fairly close to his step dad, but I’m not sure how his family dealt with their emotions. Maybe because he was one of many siblings, he didn’t feel safe to share his feelings and be vulnerable?
He doesn’t have the best past with relationships. He said he has been with many women, but only because he never thought he would get married and have kids. I questioned him about this a little more, asking if that was because he didn’t want to get married and have kids, and he said that wasn’t the case, that it just wasn’t happening for him, and wasn’t meeting anyone.
I know he dated a girl on and off for a couple of years, but I’m not exactly sure why they broke up. He moved in with her (moved to a different city about 10 hours away), and said right away that they just fought all the time, and it was miserable. Another girl he dated wasn’t local either, and he went to visit her once, bought her a bunch of winter clothing etc. because she didn’t have much money etc. As soon as he got back home from that visit, she called him and broke things off. I think that soured him, and made him angry.
When we first started dating, right away he said he was gunshy about labels, and didn’t normally use them until a couple years or so (!). I said I wasn’t ok with that, and he asked me what my time frame usually is, which I said at least within the first three months. So right then, he said he knew we would be together at that point, and wanted to call me his girlfriend.
I know he verbalizes his hesitancy about relationships and stuff, but I have met his family and friends (pretty early on), he called me his gf when he normally waits a long time, so maybe he just feels better with me? He also said he doesnt say the L word until at least a year….which I haven’t heard yet, but I’m waiting for.
I just don’t want to be stuck in another relationship where I’m waiting to move forward, as my past boyfriends I was with for years, and never got to the point of discussing marriage. I’m 38 and still would like to have kids if possible, along with marriage. I do see him as that in the future, I just don’t want to wait forever, and given his past, it makes me a little nervous.
Sorry if this is all over the place, but hope this gives you a little more insight!