Dear lil.lily:

First I will summarize, with quotes, what you shared in your previous threads: the first seven were posted before I became a member here (May 2015).

In March and April 2014 (first thread), at 22 years old, you shared that you are “very out-going and friendly”, had a three years relationship with a man you were engaged to before the relationship ended. You were “broken hearted and depressed.. fell rock bottom”, but realized that he did not treat you well. Later, you studied abroad in the University of Amsterdam for 6 months and “gained a lot of European friends”, “met a lot of European men”, and enjoyed your  life in Europe. Four months into your stay in Amsterdam, you met a 26 year old Dutch guy, “and things got heated.. we became in love… never had this feeling with anyone.. It was very intimate”. When it was time for you to leave Amsterdam, he told you that you should stay longer, but you left in January 2014, telling each other that you will “keep in touch and see each other soon”. Back in the California, the two of you talked, skyped and planned to see each other in the summer of 2014, but by Spring of 2014, he seemed to have lost interest. Still, you were planning to fly back to Amsterdam in June 2014, stay there for a month, visit him and the friends you made there. You felt strongly at the time that Amsterdam is your home.  You wrote regarding the Dutch guy: “the feeling that I shared with him is special. I met him for a reason.. and that’s why I have to follow my heart. and show him that I do love him”.

In August 2014 (second thread), you shared that you did visit Amsterdam again, only not in June but in May. During the four weeks of your visit, the two of you “ended up getting back together and getting the love groove on”. Before you returned to California, you suggested to “keep an open relationship”, and he agreed. At the time you were working part-time, volunteering in a non-profit organization, active with friends and “a lot of extra activities”, and almost done with school, expecting to get your BA degree at the end of the year.

But then, something happened in regard to the Dutch guy: “I freaked out on him, and had a meltdown.. he hasn’t spoken a word to me… I think I might have scared him off.. I have apologized, called and messaged.. nothing.. he never answers”, and yet, you were planning on visiting Amsterdam again at the end of 2014. Later, you wrote that you lost your patience and hope and were done contacting him.

On the same month, August 2014 (third thread), you shared that you spoke to an ex-boyfriend online, that you don’t love him anymore, that he is a liar who emotionally abused you. You were angry at him.

In August and September 2014 (fourth thread), you shared that for some time, you “have been feeling anxiety and depression”, that you lost the Dutch guy, that you were still an undergraduate student, expecting your BA degree in Human Development at the end of the year, that you are a president of an association, of a project, and volunteering, as well as working part-time as a hostess; you hang out with friends, go to the beach, paint, work out, being “very active”, and even though you are so very active, living in a beautiful place (San Diego),  having  visited 16 countries, you feel “depressed all the time.. so stuck between the past, and the future.. I wake up. and feel like crap… Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, and I have everything that most people do not have”, you asked.

You wrote that  life feels mundane, that you “feel incredibly lonely”, and you “want more of life”, “to have an adventurous life, where my life doesn’t feel mundane”, “like life is such a routine.. feeling so robotic in this routine life”, you thought about doing your masters “in a different country, maybe back in Europe again and feel that incredible happiness”; you wanted to “feel happy and wake up loving life all the time”.

In October 2014 (your fifth thread), you shared that you are an Asian American 22 year old, undergrad student, expecting to get your BA degree by Spring of 2015, that a lot of the time, you cannot keep your mind still, that you are “always over thinking.. ahead of myself. Always dealing with the past and the future”. You shred that after you get your degree, you plan on studying the GRE (Graduate Record Examination, a standardized test which is an admission requirement for many graduate schools in the United States and Canada), and get into a Public Health Program, then some time later, move back to Europe, where you “feel home”. You wrote: “I feel so lonely.. Love isn’t working out for my position. I want it so badly but I don’t see it coming my way. I then think.. is there something wrong with me?” You shared that you had an internship in Wash DC Jan-May 2015, and that you were “excited to get away from California and have a new experience”, and you added: “I am scared to be alone.. I just have to learn to be patient and not cry so much about it”.

In December 2014 (your sixth thread), you shared that you just graduated with a BA in Human Development and a minor in political science, and that you “feel so alone…. I currently live in San Diego.. and I feel so lonely here.. so lonely.. so overwhelmed and alone. Most of the time, I ask myself.. why can’t I just be content, why can’t I find love?.. why does it feel so lonely”, that “being done with undergrad is such a scary thing” , that you planned to visit Amsterdam before going to Wash .C., and that after your internship in Wash D.C., you were planning to find an entry-level job there, and that you were planning to apply to school for a maser’s program, then back to Europe.

In April 2015 (your seventh thread), you shared that you were in Wash D.C., an intern at the Capitol, and that the Dutch guy broke up with you. In Wash D.C., you met a man two years younger than you: “We clicked immediately, and we are very intimate with one another.. and suddenly we were seeing each other more frequently, and he showed his eagerness by texting and coming to see me”, and too soon after, he told you that he can’t see you anymore.

In May 2015 (your eighth thread), you shared that your internship program in Wash D.C. ended and that you were still there, having applied to “soo many jobs, and networked here and there”, planning on working for a temp agency until you find a full-time job,  and you shared that you “also want to work for Development and work in the field for a developing country”, planning on going to Jamaica for a five days vacation, and feeling “alone all the time.. I go on dates, and meet people.. but I don’t feel fulfilled.. I feel like sh**…  I am so high strung, my back hurts, I am frustrated and all I want to do is cry… I am depressed.. I just want to sleep all day”.

In July 2015 (your ninth thread), you shared that at the time, you were a part-time and unpaid development intern for a mental health organization, that you were studying to take the GRE in August, that you were waiting tables so to be able to travel to Japan and Brazil in Dec, that you went to three job interviews, still trying to get an entry-level job in your field,  that you wanted to join the MPH (Master in Public Health) program with the Peace Corps, that for that purpose, you went to a Grad Fair at GWU (George Washington University in Wash D.C.) for MPH, and to a Peace Corps Reception, and you wrote: “I have been feeling this dark energy, the dark soul with me. Its when I feel so angry, sad, emotional.. I can’t get out of it. I have felt this way before many times.. the past days I was content, and then I am back to this feeling… I feel lonely… Love.. is something that I could never conquer.. I want love”.

I replied to you on that thread, addressing you: “Dear lil.lily.. When your hope for happiness is in LATER, some OTHER place, some OTHER time, when this happens or that, obviously you are left with dark energy. When the light is ELSEWHERE, then the darkness is where you are”.

In December 2015 (your tenth thread), you shared that your family is in California, Manila and Tokyo, that you are a “California Native.. half Japanese/ Filipino American”, that you were working at the time “full time as a medical secretary”, volunteering once a week, and “attend church as a new Christian believer”, that you are “young, creative, outgoing, full  of energy, traveler, thriller-seeker”, that you “think too much… overwhelmed and sleepless”, that you “seek too much pleasure.. shows, traveling, sex, men, drinking, smoking etc etc”, that you’ve been hooking up with a friend “once a week for 3 months”, and feeling “so aggravated over the fact that.. I cannot establish anything with him. He shows passion only when he wants to have sex. Most of the time, men think of me as a sexual  object.. I just want a companion.. and every time I had that, it always seem to dwindle”, about life in Wash D.C., you wrote: “Everyone works hard here… but there is no.. motion, no warmth. No compassion.. Sometimes, I think.. that the desire for a companion is out of sight… I do not ask for that much, but someone who I can just spend time with, and share my experiences with.. what if.. I could never find a companion”.

In that thread, I wrote to you: “Dear lil.lily.. When you wrote: ‘no.. motion, no warmth. No compassion’ (in Wash DC) I think there was no warmth or compassion for YOU in the home of your childhood.. Do you think that your childhood was lonely..?”. You replied to me another member, but you did not address what I wrote to you, nor did you answer my question. I posted you again, asking you if you addressed your childhood, and you answered me: “I was very observant when I was a child. I clearly remember a lot of things about my childhood. I am not too sure what you are asking me Anita.. I had quite a lot of tantrums as a child, but very observant”- you did not elaborate on what you observed when you were a child, on what you remember about your childhood, or about those tantrums.

Next, I asked you: “as a child, did you feel overall liked, approved of, accepted, safe? When you were troubled, did you have a person to reach out to and receive the understanding, empathy and comfort that you needed..?”- but you did not reply to me further.

In February 2016 (your eleventh thread), you shared that your interpretation of a good life is a life aimed at the following: (1) to “Live and cherish every moment.. Vivre du moment.. each moment is unique and different”,(2) “to give love every where you go… To give love, is a special thing”,(3) to “Help out others in small ways”,(4) to “Create and produce something for humanity and for the world… as an artist, I feel the need to produce art, whether it’s painting or photography, or cooking a simple meal. My creative mind keeps me going… if I can’t create, then I don’t feel human. Art.. keeps me sane”,(5) to “travel and experience new surroundings, culture, and people.. for as long as I live.. Observe people’s behaviors. And.. learn about myself, and get inspired (artist way of thinking)”,(6) to “Learn, keep learning, but use knowledge as a tool to understand and be open-minded”,(7) to “Stay humble.. to let go of anger and stay content.. I was very angry and very tempered for a very long time. Now.. I take a step back and say..gotta stay humble.. content, at ease, and at peace”, (8) to “Acknowledge people and learn from them”, (9) to “Stay true to Myself.. and understand who I am”.

In September 2016 (your 12th thread), you quoted two proverbs: “Fortune and misfortune are two buckets in the same well”, and “Good fortune and evil fortune come to all things in this world of time”, and you asked for help in “trying to find deeper meanings to these two proverbs in relation t chance, and luck”.

In June 2020 (your 13th thread), you shared for the first time that you suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder),that you live in Chicago, and that you “met a guy, PhD candidate in the midst of this Covid19 pandemic”, both just out of relationships. “But, he is angrier. I learned to stop being angry because it has afflicted my past relationships”. At first, the two of you chatted every day and saw each other a few times a week, then “Suddenly, we only saw each other once a week”. When he lashed out on you, you withdrew, “let it cool off”. At times he told you that he loved you, then “it changes so quickly”, and he criticized you, judged you and made fun of you. One day you worked from home a this place and he was making kits for protests (during the summer U.S. civil unrest). At one point, he expressed anger/ jealously over you having male friends, and at another point, he raised his voice and told you: “you know what, get out of here”. Your response: “I silently picked up my things and tried to give  him a hug and thanked him for dinner. His response: “He goes, ‘no, don’t touch me'”, and as you took a Lyft, he ended the relationship with you, saying: “We are not meant for each other.. we’re incompatible”. You wrote: he gives me such mixed emotions.. I lost him, and I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What did I do?… I’m just open, approachable, and friendly. Did he take it the wrong way?”

In December 2020, (your 14th thread), you shared that you are a full-time nursing student and working part time. You wrote: “I did it again. I ruined a friendship with a friend because I lashed out. Every time I get too close to someone, I become vulnerable, and my anxious attachment style bleeds out”.

You shared that you met a man on online dating, hung out for two months last year, in May 2020, he reached out to you. You moved to a new apartment and he offered to help you move. The two  of you hung out once a week, “At first, I didn’t have any feelings for him. He would do whatever I wanted to do. We rode our bikes.. played chess.. I had other men in my life and never closely looked at him in that way”, but there were sleepovers, and it “became more intimate”. He told you that he was worried about you because you were “always stressed out”, “I am known to be high-strung and stressed out”.

“We spoke about our mental disorders (anxiety, depression) I told him about my BPD… Suddenly, I began to get upset with him.. We argued.. Another time.. I asked him about our status. He said he didn’t see me as a romantic type.. I asked him if he had feelings for me. He said, ‘not as strong feelings that you have.’..

“After Thanksgiving, I freaked out on him. I felt that he felt distant.. My fury started, I couldn’t control it… I said, ‘I hated him, f** you, etc..’ I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out of control, biting, spitting out slurs… I felt that he used me.. I just felt unvalued”.

Later, you apologized, “I told him that this was not me, the BPD isn’t me.. I’ve been hurting myself (crying and drinking).. I ruined it, he probably thinks I’m crazy… why couldn’t I just be okay with what we had, casually?.. I feel used, played, betrayed, hurt.. I want to.. wish him good luck, and give his x-mas present… I do therapy, but I’m not sure if it’s benefiting me yet. I always ruin my relationships, because I get needy. I don’t understand. How do I stop ruining my relationships, why does it have to be a cycle?”

*** The second part of my input will include my best understanding of what you shared. I re-told what you shared (above) because it helps me process information when I do that, a process that took me more than four hours today.

I will be able to work on this second part tomorrow morning. For now, I want to let you know that I was diagnosed with BPD myself in 2011, and suspected long before that I indeed fit that diagnosis. I no longer fit it-  to my surprise, I found out from my personal experience, that a personality disorder does not have to last a lifetime.

I will be back to your thread in about 17 hours from now.

anita

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