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BPD again, ruined a relationship, what should I do learn from this

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  • December 9, 2020 at 3:59 pm #370809
    lil.lily
    Participant

    I did it again. I ruined a friendship with a friend because I lashed out. Every time I get too close to someone, I become vulnerable, and my anxious attachment style bleeds out.

    I began seeing an acquaintance, who I met online dating. We hung out for 2 months last year, I ended with him because he wasn’t opening up to me and that there was no substance. In May of this year, he reached out to me. I thought maybe, he wanted to hang out because people get lonely during the pandemic. I moved to my own apartment for the first time and he offered to help me with the move. We began to hang out once a week. I got to know him. At first, I didn’t have any feelings for him. He would do whatever I wanted to do. We rode our bikes in the summer by the lake, went out for a swim, played chess and a game of tennis, watched movies, go out to a bar. I had other men in my life and never closely looked at him in that way.

    Weekly visits from him and sleepovers, and me (making dinner for him) became more intimate. He once offered to buy me groceries because I was exposed to COVID. Once, he said he was “worried” about me because I was always stressed out. I’m known to be high-strung and stressed out (I am also a full-time nursing student, working part-time, trying to make ends meet, living in a city, far from my family). Then, I told him my future worries. That opened a can of worms. I have feelings for him. We spoke about our mental disorders (anxiety, depression) I told him about my BPD. He thinks he’s neurodiverse.

    Suddenly, I began to get upset with him. He was always very abrupt when leaving, and never said “Thank you.” He said, saying thank you was not a common gesture in his circle of friends and family. We argued over that.

    Another time is when I started to realize that I had feelings. I asked him about our status. He said he didn’t see me as a romantic type. I didn’t understand, but I told him I didn’t see him in that way. Maybe we should just be platonic. I asked him if he had feelings for me. He said, “not as strong feelings that you have.” I thought maybe he does have feelings for me. We resumed our hangouts anyway.

    Every week, I’d make him dinner. He would also get some of the ingredients that I needed. 3 weeks ago, he invited me over to his place. Picked me up, cleaned his room (bc it’s always messy), and made me dinner. His actions paralyzed me bc does he feel the same? Why would he clean up his room for me? Why would he pick me up? Why would he make me a coffee? Why would he act on these if he didn’t have feelings for me?

    After thanksgiving, I freaked out on him. I felt that he felt distant. Or because I hate the holidays, it reminds me of how lonely, how far I am from my close friends and family, especially covid stay at home orders made it harder. He celebrated Thanksgiving with his roommates.

    My fury started, I couldn’t control it. I started asking him if he felt the same way. I said, “I hated him, f** you, etc, he’s a coldhearted person.” I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out control, biting, spitting out slurs. He said “friends are more important than romantic type.” I felt undervalued as a friend, if he cared so much, why would he just let me feel this way? I felt that he used me. He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He said it was the “sex” that caused me to feel this way.

    I knew he was sensitive. He also tends to hold grudges. I just felt unvalued. I called him, we spoke on a video. I told him I was hurt and apologized. He couldn’t really look at me. All he said, that it was unacceptable, that he wasn’t sure he could be friends with me. He said to me that “I have a lot of friends anyway.”

    Another friend (whom I dated, who has BPD traits) told me that I should not let anyone validate me, I should think I’m interesting for myself, not for anyone to think I’m interesting and have a routine.

    I tried to talk to him. I didn’t speak to him for 4 days, then I asked him if we can talk in person. I apologized, and I thought he understood me. I told him that this was not me, the BDP isn’t me. He said yes last Friday. But I had work. We agreed to talk after he finishes his defense presentation a few days ago. I also greeted him saying good luck. No response. Nothing.

    I’ve been hurting myself (crying and drinking) not physically. I ruined it, he probably thinks I’m crazy. It’s not the romantic part that I lost, is the friendship, I care more about. He’s supposed to go to Berlin for his postdoc in January. I also need closure from this so I can let it go. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me. I hate myself for wanting to know more, why couldn’t I just be okay with what we had, casually? He probably doesn’t care. I thought he cared about our friendship. I feel used, played, betrayed, hurt. I want to address it before he goes, wish him good luck, and give his x-mas present.

    I am so afraid to open up because that is when I start developing feelings, and the BPD manifests. I do therapy, but I’m not sure if it’s benefiting me yet. I always ruin my relationships, because I get needy. I don’t understand. How do I stop ruining my relationships, why does it have to be a cycle?

     

    December 9, 2020 at 7:30 pm #370825
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    December 10, 2020 at 12:45 pm #370845
    lil.lily
    Participant

    thank you

    December 10, 2020 at 12:55 pm #370846
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    First I will summarize, with quotes, what you shared in your previous threads: the first seven were posted before I became a member here (May 2015).

    In March and April 2014 (first thread), at 22 years old, you shared that you are “very out-going and friendly”, had a three years relationship with a man you were engaged to before the relationship ended. You were “broken hearted and depressed.. fell rock bottom”, but realized that he did not treat you well. Later, you studied abroad in the University of Amsterdam for 6 months and “gained a lot of European friends”, “met a lot of European men”, and enjoyed your  life in Europe. Four months into your stay in Amsterdam, you met a 26 year old Dutch guy, “and things got heated.. we became in love… never had this feeling with anyone.. It was very intimate”. When it was time for you to leave Amsterdam, he told you that you should stay longer, but you left in January 2014, telling each other that you will “keep in touch and see each other soon”. Back in the California, the two of you talked, skyped and planned to see each other in the summer of 2014, but by Spring of 2014, he seemed to have lost interest. Still, you were planning to fly back to Amsterdam in June 2014, stay there for a month, visit him and the friends you made there. You felt strongly at the time that Amsterdam is your home.  You wrote regarding the Dutch guy: “the feeling that I shared with him is special. I met him for a reason.. and that’s why I have to follow my heart. and show him that I do love him”.

    In August 2014 (second thread), you shared that you did visit Amsterdam again, only not in June but in May. During the four weeks of your visit, the two of you “ended up getting back together and getting the love groove on”. Before you returned to California, you suggested to “keep an open relationship”, and he agreed. At the time you were working part-time, volunteering in a non-profit organization, active with friends and “a lot of extra activities”, and almost done with school, expecting to get your BA degree at the end of the year.

    But then, something happened in regard to the Dutch guy: “I freaked out on him, and had a meltdown.. he hasn’t spoken a word to me… I think I might have scared him off.. I have apologized, called and messaged.. nothing.. he never answers”, and yet, you were planning on visiting Amsterdam again at the end of 2014. Later, you wrote that you lost your patience and hope and were done contacting him.

    On the same month, August 2014 (third thread), you shared that you spoke to an ex-boyfriend online, that you don’t love him anymore, that he is a liar who emotionally abused you. You were angry at him.

    In August and September 2014 (fourth thread), you shared that for some time, you “have been feeling anxiety and depression”, that you lost the Dutch guy, that you were still an undergraduate student, expecting your BA degree in Human Development at the end of the year, that you are a president of an association, of a project, and volunteering, as well as working part-time as a hostess; you hang out with friends, go to the beach, paint, work out, being “very active”, and even though you are so very active, living in a beautiful place (San Diego),  having  visited 16 countries, you feel “depressed all the time.. so stuck between the past, and the future.. I wake up. and feel like crap… Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, and I have everything that most people do not have”, you asked.

    You wrote that  life feels mundane, that you “feel incredibly lonely”, and you “want more of life”, “to have an adventurous life, where my life doesn’t feel mundane”, “like life is such a routine.. feeling so robotic in this routine life”, you thought about doing your masters “in a different country, maybe back in Europe again and feel that incredible happiness”; you wanted to “feel happy and wake up loving life all the time”.

    In October 2014 (your fifth thread), you shared that you are an Asian American 22 year old, undergrad student, expecting to get your BA degree by Spring of 2015, that a lot of the time, you cannot keep your mind still, that you are “always over thinking.. ahead of myself. Always dealing with the past and the future”. You shred that after you get your degree, you plan on studying the GRE (Graduate Record Examination, a standardized test which is an admission requirement for many graduate schools in the United States and Canada), and get into a Public Health Program, then some time later, move back to Europe, where you “feel home”. You wrote: “I feel so lonely.. Love isn’t working out for my position. I want it so badly but I don’t see it coming my way. I then think.. is there something wrong with me?” You shared that you had an internship in Wash DC Jan-May 2015, and that you were “excited to get away from California and have a new experience”, and you added: “I am scared to be alone.. I just have to learn to be patient and not cry so much about it”.

    In December 2014 (your sixth thread), you shared that you just graduated with a BA in Human Development and a minor in political science, and that you “feel so alone…. I currently live in San Diego.. and I feel so lonely here.. so lonely.. so overwhelmed and alone. Most of the time, I ask myself.. why can’t I just be content, why can’t I find love?.. why does it feel so lonely”, that “being done with undergrad is such a scary thing” , that you planned to visit Amsterdam before going to Wash .C., and that after your internship in Wash D.C., you were planning to find an entry-level job there, and that you were planning to apply to school for a maser’s program, then back to Europe.

    In April 2015 (your seventh thread), you shared that you were in Wash D.C., an intern at the Capitol, and that the Dutch guy broke up with you. In Wash D.C., you met a man two years younger than you: “We clicked immediately, and we are very intimate with one another.. and suddenly we were seeing each other more frequently, and he showed his eagerness by texting and coming to see me”, and too soon after, he told you that he can’t see you anymore.

    In May 2015 (your eighth thread), you shared that your internship program in Wash D.C. ended and that you were still there, having applied to “soo many jobs, and networked here and there”, planning on working for a temp agency until you find a full-time job,  and you shared that you “also want to work for Development and work in the field for a developing country”, planning on going to Jamaica for a five days vacation, and feeling “alone all the time.. I go on dates, and meet people.. but I don’t feel fulfilled.. I feel like sh**…  I am so high strung, my back hurts, I am frustrated and all I want to do is cry… I am depressed.. I just want to sleep all day”.

    In July 2015 (your ninth thread), you shared that at the time, you were a part-time and unpaid development intern for a mental health organization, that you were studying to take the GRE in August, that you were waiting tables so to be able to travel to Japan and Brazil in Dec, that you went to three job interviews, still trying to get an entry-level job in your field,  that you wanted to join the MPH (Master in Public Health) program with the Peace Corps, that for that purpose, you went to a Grad Fair at GWU (George Washington University in Wash D.C.) for MPH, and to a Peace Corps Reception, and you wrote: “I have been feeling this dark energy, the dark soul with me. Its when I feel so angry, sad, emotional.. I can’t get out of it. I have felt this way before many times.. the past days I was content, and then I am back to this feeling… I feel lonely… Love.. is something that I could never conquer.. I want love”.

    I replied to you on that thread, addressing you: “Dear lil.lily.. When your hope for happiness is in LATER, some OTHER place, some OTHER time, when this happens or that, obviously you are left with dark energy. When the light is ELSEWHERE, then the darkness is where you are”.

    In December 2015 (your tenth thread), you shared that your family is in California, Manila and Tokyo, that you are a “California Native.. half Japanese/ Filipino American”, that you were working at the time “full time as a medical secretary”, volunteering once a week, and “attend church as a new Christian believer”, that you are “young, creative, outgoing, full  of energy, traveler, thriller-seeker”, that you “think too much… overwhelmed and sleepless”, that you “seek too much pleasure.. shows, traveling, sex, men, drinking, smoking etc etc”, that you’ve been hooking up with a friend “once a week for 3 months”, and feeling “so aggravated over the fact that.. I cannot establish anything with him. He shows passion only when he wants to have sex. Most of the time, men think of me as a sexual  object.. I just want a companion.. and every time I had that, it always seem to dwindle”, about life in Wash D.C., you wrote: “Everyone works hard here… but there is no.. motion, no warmth. No compassion.. Sometimes, I think.. that the desire for a companion is out of sight… I do not ask for that much, but someone who I can just spend time with, and share my experiences with.. what if.. I could never find a companion”.

    In that thread, I wrote to you: “Dear lil.lily.. When you wrote: ‘no.. motion, no warmth. No compassion’ (in Wash DC) I think there was no warmth or compassion for YOU in the home of your childhood.. Do you think that your childhood was lonely..?”. You replied to me another member, but you did not address what I wrote to you, nor did you answer my question. I posted you again, asking you if you addressed your childhood, and you answered me: “I was very observant when I was a child. I clearly remember a lot of things about my childhood. I am not too sure what you are asking me Anita.. I had quite a lot of tantrums as a child, but very observant”- you did not elaborate on what you observed when you were a child, on what you remember about your childhood, or about those tantrums.

    Next, I asked you: “as a child, did you feel overall liked, approved of, accepted, safe? When you were troubled, did you have a person to reach out to and receive the understanding, empathy and comfort that you needed..?”- but you did not reply to me further.

    In February 2016 (your eleventh thread), you shared that your interpretation of a good life is a life aimed at the following: (1) to “Live and cherish every moment.. Vivre du moment.. each moment is unique and different”,(2) “to give love every where you go… To give love, is a special thing”,(3) to “Help out others in small ways”,(4) to “Create and produce something for humanity and for the world… as an artist, I feel the need to produce art, whether it’s painting or photography, or cooking a simple meal. My creative mind keeps me going… if I can’t create, then I don’t feel human. Art.. keeps me sane”,(5) to “travel and experience new surroundings, culture, and people.. for as long as I live.. Observe people’s behaviors. And.. learn about myself, and get inspired (artist way of thinking)”,(6) to “Learn, keep learning, but use knowledge as a tool to understand and be open-minded”,(7) to “Stay humble.. to let go of anger and stay content.. I was very angry and very tempered for a very long time. Now.. I take a step back and say..gotta stay humble.. content, at ease, and at peace”, (8) to “Acknowledge people and learn from them”, (9) to “Stay true to Myself.. and understand who I am”.

    In September 2016 (your 12th thread), you quoted two proverbs: “Fortune and misfortune are two buckets in the same well”, and “Good fortune and evil fortune come to all things in this world of time”, and you asked for help in “trying to find deeper meanings to these two proverbs in relation t chance, and luck”.

    In June 2020 (your 13th thread), you shared for the first time that you suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder),that you live in Chicago, and that you “met a guy, PhD candidate in the midst of this Covid19 pandemic”, both just out of relationships. “But, he is angrier. I learned to stop being angry because it has afflicted my past relationships”. At first, the two of you chatted every day and saw each other a few times a week, then “Suddenly, we only saw each other once a week”. When he lashed out on you, you withdrew, “let it cool off”. At times he told you that he loved you, then “it changes so quickly”, and he criticized you, judged you and made fun of you. One day you worked from home a this place and he was making kits for protests (during the summer U.S. civil unrest). At one point, he expressed anger/ jealously over you having male friends, and at another point, he raised his voice and told you: “you know what, get out of here”. Your response: “I silently picked up my things and tried to give  him a hug and thanked him for dinner. His response: “He goes, ‘no, don’t touch me'”, and as you took a Lyft, he ended the relationship with you, saying: “We are not meant for each other.. we’re incompatible”. You wrote: he gives me such mixed emotions.. I lost him, and I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What did I do?… I’m just open, approachable, and friendly. Did he take it the wrong way?”

    In December 2020, (your 14th thread), you shared that you are a full-time nursing student and working part time. You wrote: “I did it again. I ruined a friendship with a friend because I lashed out. Every time I get too close to someone, I become vulnerable, and my anxious attachment style bleeds out”.

    You shared that you met a man on online dating, hung out for two months last year, in May 2020, he reached out to you. You moved to a new apartment and he offered to help you move. The two  of you hung out once a week, “At first, I didn’t have any feelings for him. He would do whatever I wanted to do. We rode our bikes.. played chess.. I had other men in my life and never closely looked at him in that way”, but there were sleepovers, and it “became more intimate”. He told you that he was worried about you because you were “always stressed out”, “I am known to be high-strung and stressed out”.

    “We spoke about our mental disorders (anxiety, depression) I told him about my BPD… Suddenly, I began to get upset with him.. We argued.. Another time.. I asked him about our status. He said he didn’t see me as a romantic type.. I asked him if he had feelings for me. He said, ‘not as strong feelings that you have.’..

    “After Thanksgiving, I freaked out on him. I felt that he felt distant.. My fury started, I couldn’t control it… I said, ‘I hated him, f** you, etc..’ I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out of control, biting, spitting out slurs… I felt that he used me.. I just felt unvalued”.

    Later, you apologized, “I told him that this was not me, the BPD isn’t me.. I’ve been hurting myself (crying and drinking).. I ruined it, he probably thinks I’m crazy… why couldn’t I just be okay with what we had, casually?.. I feel used, played, betrayed, hurt.. I want to.. wish him good luck, and give his x-mas present… I do therapy, but I’m not sure if it’s benefiting me yet. I always ruin my relationships, because I get needy. I don’t understand. How do I stop ruining my relationships, why does it have to be a cycle?”

    *** The second part of my input will include my best understanding of what you shared. I re-told what you shared (above) because it helps me process information when I do that, a process that took me more than four hours today.

    I will be able to work on this second part tomorrow morning. For now, I want to let you know that I was diagnosed with BPD myself in 2011, and suspected long before that I indeed fit that diagnosis. I no longer fit it-  to my surprise, I found out from my personal experience, that a personality disorder does not have to last a lifetime.

    I will be back to your thread in about 17 hours from now.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by .
    December 10, 2020 at 9:47 pm #370884
    lil.lily
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I was diagnosed by my former therapist a year ago with BDP traits. I had a 4 year on and off relationship with a significant other. We broke up the second time because I found out he replaced me with another girl. This resulted in depression and a verbal fight in the car with my mother. I jumped out of the car because she kept telling me to just “get over it.” I still have a relationship with this person, but more like friends, not so much romantic.

    My parents separated when I was around 5-6 years old. My mom left to work in the US when I was living in a different country. My dad lived in Japan. I lived with my aunt till I was 9. I didn’t know till recently, a year ago that it made an impact in my life.

    My mom worked a lot. My dad lives in a different country (see him once a year, he’s a womanizer) I was left alone, met a lot of friends, was very social. I had to do that in order to build a social circle bc my family was always apart or working. I have an older brother (living in CA, my mom and gma lives there too)

    So my BDP manifests every time when I get triggered (abandonment, betrayal, feeling uncared) the black and white thinking. I would always ask myself “Why would they do that?”

    The pain is there and I am trying to figure out how to let it go. My therapist tells me to meditate. I work out, I paint, study, read, watch tv, talk to friends, etc. I used to write. Gonna start again.

    There is this empty feeling that comes back and forth, esp with relationships, holidays. Gonna purchase some BPD coping books so I can get more insights

    December 11, 2020 at 11:05 am #370902
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    You added yesterday that your former therapist diagnosed you a year ago “with BPD traits”- my comment: this means to me that she did not diagnose you with the disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD) because although you fit some of what is required to make this diagnosis, you didn’t fit all the requirements for this diagnosis. This makes sense to me because after reading your 14 threads yesterday, I didn’t see evidence that you suffer from BPD.  I will keep in mind that you suffer from traits of the disorder, but not from all the necessary traits that are required to make the diagnosis.

    About your childhood, you shared that when you were 5 or 6, your parents separated and your mother moved to the U.S. to work, leaving you behind with your aunt until you were 9. My comment on this piece of information is that a young child being left by her mother for three or four years- without being provided with a lot of emotional support to substitute for the mother being gone- would severely traumatize any child.

    You wrote about this traumatic happening in your young life: “I didn’t know till recently, a year ago that it made an impact in my life”. A year ago (2019), at 27 or 28,  you had no idea that you were impacted by the separation from your mother. It will take time and work for you to become more and more aware of the undeniable fact that you were indeed impacted, and in what ways you were impacted.

    Your father has been living in a different country and has not been part of your life. On the other hand, you were reunited with your mother at 9 years old (?), but “mom worked a lot… I was left alone, met a lot of friends, was very social… my family was always apart or working”.

    You wrote: “So my BDP manifests every time I get triggered (abandoned, betrayal, feeling uncared) the black and white thinking. I would always ask myself ‘Why would they do that?… There is this empty feeling that comes back and forth”- I assume it was a typo and you meant BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not BDP-

    – this quote suggests to me that as a child, having been left behind by your mother, and your father being out of your life, at five or six, all the way to nine- you felt abandoned, betrayed and uncared for; you felt a chronic painful emptiness: a chronic unsatisfied need to be reunited with your mother, to be cared for.

    The child that you were asked herself again and again: why did they leave me behind, why would they do that to me???

    And when you were re-united with your mother, the chronic emptiness remained because she worked a lot and therefore.. you were still left behind, alone. Being “very social” as a child and onward did not fill in that chronic emptiness.

    You mentioned a more recent event involving your mother: “a verbal fight in the car with my mother. I jumped out of the car because she kept telling me to just ‘get over it'”- maybe, just maybe this was her attitude when you reunited with her at 9: just get over the last 3-4 years and act like those years (years that feel like an eternity in a young child’s experience) never happened.

    I will now read my summary from yesterday, incorporating what you shared most recently into parts of the summary and continue to add my comments:

    In your first thread, March-April 2014, you were 22. At the time you were not aware that having been left behind by your mother for what seemed like eternity had any effect on your mind and heart. You viewed yourself as very outgoing and friendly. It is now clear to me that this outgoing and friendly girl/ woman is chronically empty: you are friendly, having a normal, healthy need to connect to other people, but your overly active social efforts have been fueled by the fear of being alone, and feeling so dreadfully empty and lonely, by you wanting to not feel that dreadful, chronic emptiness.

    Regarding the Dutch man you were involved with, you “never had this feeling with anyone.. It was very intimate”- you did not feel that emptiness with him temporarily.

    You felt strongly that Amsterdam was your home.. because San Diego, living with or around your mother- was/ is not home; it is not where you feel connected, safe and warm.

    In August 2014- Sept 2014,  still unaware that having been left behind by your mother, for what felt like eternity, had any effect on your mind and heart, you shared that you’ve been anxious and depressed, “I wake up and feel like crap”- when we have crappy childhoods, as adults-we keep experiencing the same crappy emotional experience. Biochemically, this happens as a result of the brain secreting the same chemicals as it did in childhood, having formed a chemical habit that produces these crappy feelings.

    You asked at the time: “Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, and I have everything that most people do not have?”- my answer today is that you feel this way because your life was not good when you were a child, that when you were a child you did not have a mother to love you and make you feel cared for, safe and connected. Your brain operates now in the ways it was formed during those formative years of childhood.

    You shared: “I feel incredibly lonely.. want more of life.. where my life doesn’t feel mundane.. such a routine.. feeling so robotic in this routine life”- a human is a social animal, without adequate connections with others, we don’t feel humans; we feel robotic, like a machine. It is the connecting with others that makes us alive. It is the same with other social animals.

    A month later, in Oct 2014, still 22, you shared that you are “always over thinking.. ahead of myself”- that’s you rushing ahead of that chronic emptiness, afraid of feeling it, not wanting to feel it, eager to feel something else.

    You were “excited to get away from California and have a new experience” in Wash DC- similar to being excited about Amsterdam and Europe otherwise- wanting to get away from that emptiness with your mother, an emptiness that was within you ever since she left you behind at 5 or 6. But the chronic emptiness persists wherever you go, being relieved only temporarily, at times.

    “I am scared to be alone”, you wrote in October 2014. Two months later, Dec 2014, you wrote: “I feel so alone.. I currently live in San Diego.. and I feel so lonely here.. so overwhelmed and alone”- this is how you felt living with/ around your mother, same as you felt from the time she left you behind 16 or 17 years earlier. You asked: “why does it feel so lonely?”- my answer: because that’s how you felt for 16-17 years, and your brain got in the chemical habit of feeling so lonely.

    Four months later, in April 2015, you shared that you were living in Wash D.C. and met a man there, clicked immediately, were “very intimate with one another”, and then he broke up with you. A month later, May 2015, you shared that you felt “alone all the time.. not fulfilled.. feel like sh**.. depressed”, even though you “go on dates, and meet people”- you were meeting people but the chronic emptiness did not go away. At times, temporarily you got a break from it, but it’s been within you ever since childhood.

    Three months later, in July 2015, you shared that you felt “this dark energy, the dark soul with me”- that’s the chronic emptiness, the chronic loneliness. “the past days I was content, and then I am back to this feeling.. lonely”- the feeling is always there, it’s just that sometimes you get a break from being aware of it.

    Five months later, Dec 2015, you described yourself as a “young, creative, outgoing, full of energy, traveler, thriller-seeker” who thinks too much and is “overwhelmed and sleepless”, seeking “too much pleasure.. shows, traveling, sex,  men, drinking, smoking, etc. etc.”- what all this indicates to me is that you being outgoing and very active socially is about escaping that chronic emptiness, not wanting to feel it, seeking thrills so to.. sort of overcome the emptiness, kill it with excitement, newness and thrill.

    Two months later, Feb 2016, at about 24, you shared that you interpret a good life to be one where you “live and cherish every moment.. each moment is unique and different”- when stuck in a crappy childhood, a person cannot experience anything for long but that crappy childhood. To experience something new, a person has to heal from that crappy childhood.

    You interpreted a good life as one where you learn about yourself, “keep learning.. use knowledge as a tool to understand and be open-minded… understand who I am”- learning about that chronic emptiness, how it came about, will help you in the process of healing from it. Emotional healing and learning about yourself/ understanding who you are are synonymous terms.

    About your experience in Wash D.C., you wrote: “there is no.. motion, no warmth. No compassion”= your experience as a child, left behind, it felt robotic, mundane= no motion; it felt cold= no warmth; you felt no compassion from your aunt (?), all alone.

    More than four years later, June 2020, at 28, you shared that you live in Chicago, and you shared for the first time that you suffer from BPD (traits).

    Six months later, December 2020, you shared that you lashed out at a friend, ruining a friendship yet again, that you have an anxious attachment style that bleeds out whenever you “get too close to someone”.

    More of my thoughts and comments: you mentioned emptiness and I repeatedly mentioned chronic emptiness, which is a core characteristic of  BPD. What I mean by  chronic emptiness born in childhood is that in that lack of the most needed experience of being attended to with love and care- a most powerful longing is born, a craving so strong, so lasting. This craving is sometimes quiet but too often it is like a noisy, powerful hurricane, destroying the inside and the outside in its desire to find love, and its anger at not finding it.

    Six  months ago, June 2020, you described yourself this way: “I’m just open, approachable, and friendly”- when the storm is quiet, I imagine.

    But when you get angry, the storm is on: “My fury started, I couldn’t control it.. I said, ‘I hate him, f** you, etc.. I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out of control, biting, spitting out slurs”. Later, you apologized to him, telling him: “this was not me, the BPD isn’t me”-

    – But the anger is yours. Your anger is not a bad emotion, as no emotion is bad. Your anger is valid and it carries a valid message: that you should not have been left behind by your mother, and by your father; that one of them, or both, should have been there for you, attending t you with love and care.

    Healing will take attending to your anger with respect, and in so doing, mindfully and on an ongoing basis, containing it so that it does not develop into a destructive hurricane, taking you (and others) by surprise. Learning and practicing assertive skills will be part of this containment.

    Healing will also take choosing responsibly who you get involved with. Just because you suffer from your own internal hurricane does not mean that other people, men you meet, do not have their own hurricanes that can destroy you.

    Because you believe still (?) that “most of the time, men think of me as a sexual object”, to heal, you will need to see to  it that you do not get involved with a man sexually unless you know that the man values you as a person, as a whole human being;  not as an object.

    anita

    December 11, 2020 at 2:52 pm #370926
    lil.lily
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That was really helpful. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your analysis and insights. You stated that you also suffer from BPD but it no longer lingers you. How do you did you manage to get it out? I couldn’t understand why I felt this way for such a long time until my former therapist told me so. I want to be satisfied with life, but yet I don’t.

    I have high expectations for myself (probably influenced by my parents, mother esp) I understand my inner-child yearns for more, yearns to feel “complete.” How do I heal this pain? I suffer from it. I believe that to be true.

    I don’t want it to take over me for the rest of my life. What are your strategies? What are your coping mechanisms?

    I have built good relationships with friends, peers, colleagues over time.

    I know, I will soon finish another master’s program, and I will have a professional degree in nursing (helping others) and I don’t want this pain to manifest. I know that I am empathetic bc of my upbringing. I chose this profession to alleviate the suffering experienced by others and to make sure they are not abandoned. I am scared that it will manifest and also that I can’t have a secure romantic relationship. I don’t want to be cursed. I want to heal.

    I appreciate you so much, Anita.

     

    December 11, 2020 at 2:55 pm #370927
    lil.lily
    Participant

    I also tend to see the goodness of people. So, when I feel betrayed, then my anger lashes out. It’s the same for friends or with men in general.

    December 11, 2020 at 2:55 pm #370928
    lil.lily
    Participant

    It’s the black and white perception

    December 11, 2020 at 3:28 pm #370930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    You are very welcome. I will  be able to read and reply to your recent posts (and any that you may add before I return) in a about 16 hours from now.

    anita

    December 12, 2020 at 9:29 am #370963
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    1. “I have high expectations for myself”- do you believe that if you achieve enough (educational degrees, career accomplishments, etc.), then you will be worthy of the love you need so desperately, and you will finally receive it?

    2. “I also tend to see the goodness in people. So, when I feel betrayed, then my anger lashes out”- is it that you quickly see the good in people/place a friend/ man on a pedestal as a very good person because you need to believe that he is capable giving you the love you need so desperately-

    -And then, when he disappoints you, betraying your expectations, betraying the high position you put him on (falling off that pedestal), you get very angry with him?

    “I understand my inner-child years for more.. How do I heal this pain?”- quality psychotherapy.

    “How.. did you manage to get (BPD) out?.. What are your strategies? What are your coping mechanisms?”- my healing process started with my first experience of quality psychotherapy in 2011 (2011-2013). My therapist at the time diagnosed me with BPD and put together a treatment plan for me, giving me a printout of his plan, including goals, strategies and expectations. Over time he adjusted the plan. After each session, he emailed me a homework assignment to prepare before the next session. His approach was scientific and professional. He attended to me not only within sessions, but in between sessions, seeing that there is an ongoing process of healing that is available to me.

    He is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) who applied a heavy dose of Mindfulness to his work with me. Lots of the homework in between session was to listen to guided meditations (Mark William’s series of Mindfulness series of guided meditations). Some of the homework was CBT exercises aimed at correcting distorted thinking such as the “black and white perception” that you mentioned.

    He also applied the therapy that was specifically developed to treat BPD, and that is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Are you familiar with these therapies? There is plenty of information online on these therapies and on Mindfulness: Wikipedia is usually the source I go to for such information. There are books on CBT and DBT as well, where you can find exercises, strategies and coping mechanisms.

    anita

     

     

    December 12, 2020 at 8:05 pm #370983
    lil.lily
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you. I gave the piece of advice to my therapist. I will look into the guided meditations that you recommended. I hope to heal and have let this inner-child come to the past, yet I am afraid it will continue to manifest. I appreciate your help and time in my experience. I truly do.

    Yuri

    December 12, 2020 at 8:30 pm #370984
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily/ Yuri

    You are welcome. Post again anytime, and I will be glad to read from you and reply further.

    anita

    February 21, 2022 at 4:44 pm #393348
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.lily:

    A year and 2 months later, are you reading this, by any chance? If you do, how are you???

    anita

    February 24, 2022 at 10:50 am #393647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lil.Lily/ Reader:

    Your threads March 2014 (age 22)- December 2020 (age 28) are a great opportunity to follow your life experience over a period of 6 years. In June 2020 you revealed for the first time that you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and in December 2020, you shared that you were diagnosed with BPD the year before, I suppose sometime in later 2019 perhaps.

    Wikipedia: “borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions…. Symptoms of BPD may be triggered by events considered normal to others. BPD typically begins by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations. Substance use disorders, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD…

    “A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability, which generally manifests as unusually intense emotional responses to environmental triggers, with a slower return to a baseline emotional state… People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving, but may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.

    “BPD is believed to be the one psychiatric disorder that produces the most intense psychological pain and distress in those who suffer with this condition. Studies have shown that borderline patients experience chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony… While people with BPD feel euphoria (ephemeral or occasional intense joy), they are especially prone to dysphoria (a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction), depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress…

    “People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard for people and great disappointment in them. Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment….

    “Impulsive behavior is common, including substance use disorders (e.g., alcohol use disorder), eating in excess, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners… A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain”.

    Now, let’s see what you shared in 2014-2015, years before you received the diagnosis, and what you shared in 2020, after you received your diagnosis. Notice the perfect fit of what you shared since 2014 with the Wikipedia entry quote above:

    March 2014: “I was broken hearted and depressed. I fell rock bottom… I traveled… I met a lot of European men. I enjoyed my life in Europe… (met) a 26-year-old Dutch guy…we became in love… I left in January, and it’s been 4 months now that we are apart… Lately…. he does not speak to me anymore”.

    April 2014: “I decided to follow my heart. I am going to visit Amsterdam for a month”.

    August 2014: “We ended up getting back together and getting the love groove on… I am (back) in California… I am an independent woman…but I know I love this guy. I have never been so intimate with someone. I talked to him almost once a week. but I get so stressed… I freaked out on him and had a meltdown it’s been a week now. And he hasn’t spoken a word to me…  I have apologized, nothing… messages or call, he never answers”, “I found out that he is going to University of Hawaii…  he’s a liar… He hurt me a lot, I mean emotionally abused me… I do not think it’s fair that he gets to go out of state and study when he has been such a bad person…

    “For some time now, I have been feeling anxiety and depression… I live in San Diego, a beautiful city in CA but I feel so depressed. I am crying as we speak… Lost the guy (who lives in Europe) who I thought was meant for me… Lost him because of my “anxiety” and “depressive” behavior. I thought he could understand me…  I’m in CA. I feel depressed all the time. I miss my life there (in Europe) …  I want to live in Europe. When I lived there, I woke up, felt so happy. here. I wake up (in California) and feel like crap. Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, that I have everything that most people do not have? I am always crying, I feel so weak, like a baby”.

    September 2014: “I just love loving, you know? I love to love all the time, I love people, and I love learning, music, art … etc., But I want to feel happy and wake up loving life all the time. I am just daydreaming all the time, and I feel like life is such a routine where I currently live… maybe soon, I will be back in Europe again….  lately I have been feeling so lost, feeling so robotic in this routine life”.

    October 2014: “I get caught up and drive myself to insanity because I feel so lonely… I am scared to be alone”.

    December 2014: “I have just graduated with a degree in Human Development and a minor in political science…  I feel so alone…  I am going to Washington D.C. for an internship, working for a Congressman from California Before that. I am going to Amsterdam… and see this guy who means so much to me… I feel anxious, all these feelings… I am excited to go yet I feel overwhelmed. I currently live in San Diego, and I feel so lonely here…. Sometimes I tell myself to not go so crazy with emotions… I feel so overwhelmed and alone”.

    April 2015: “Today, my boyfriend/companion broke up with me…  I am so upset….  We clicked immediately, and we are very intimate with one another…  Today, he came and saw me after church and told me he could not see me anymore… How many times do I have to go through? Why is it so easy for them to just leave… all I want is a companion who I can feel secure, laugh, and cuddle with, and kiss forever. Why is it so difficult”?

    May 2015: “I almost feel alone all the time… I go on dates and meet people. but I don’t feel fulfilled. Back in CA, I have a lot of friends and family….  I feel like shit. I feel frustrated…  I had a lover, my best friend and companion who I met here, he broke up with me, but he still spends time with me. I go to church and pray a lot. I am depressed… I just want to sleep all day… I am going to Jamaica this Friday for 5 days, and hopefully I clear my head… This is my quarter life crisis”.

    July 2015: “I have been feeling this dark energy, the dark soul with me. It’s when I feel so angry, sad, emotional, I can’t get out of it. I have felt this way before many times, the past days I was content, and then I am back to this feeling… Yesterday, I went for a run, I painted, listen to music, stretched, biked…all feel-good actions. Things that I love to do. Yet, I still felt angry….  Love is something that I could never conquer…. I want love, a companion. I feel alone…. I’ve been praying and thanking the Lord, yet I still feel this darkness”.

    December 2015: “I am 23, and I moved to DC almost a year ago… I volunteer once a week, and attend church as a new Christian believe… The other part of me, I seek too much pleasure, shows, traveling, sex, men, drinking, smoking etc., etc. I meet a lot of people… and I have been meeting a friend, who I have been hooking up with once a week for 3 months now…and I am starting to feel so aggravated over the fact that I cannot establish anything with him. He shows passion only when he wants to have sex. Most of the time, men think of me as a sexual object”.

    June 2020: “I also suffer from BDP. My therapist said… I met a guy…  We also live in Chicago…. I did not yell. I simply just said that. Then he raised his voice and said, ‘you know what, get out of here.’…  I left. Took a lyft. He called me at the lyft. Ending it with me. Saying ‘We are not meant for each other, that we’re incompatible’ A week and a half ago, he was telling me how great I was, that he misses me. Idk what changed? I haven’t done anything… I lost him, and I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What do I do? I hate losing a friend”.

    December 2020: “I did it again. I ruined a friendship with a friend because I lashed out. Every time I get too close to someone, I become vulnerable, and my anxious attachment style bleeds out…. We began to hang out once a week…  I had other men in my life and never closely looked at him in that way. Weekly visits from him and sleepovers, and me (making dinner for him) became more intimate…. We spoke about our mental disorders (anxiety, depression) I told him about my BPD… Suddenly, I began to get upset with him…. We argued…

    “After thanksgiving, I freaked out on him. I felt that he felt distant. Or because I hate the holidays, it reminds me of how lonely…  My fury started; I couldn’t control it. I started asking him if he felt the same way. I said, ‘I hated him, f** you, etc., he’s a coldhearted person.’ I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out control, biting, spitting out slurs…  I felt undervalued as a friend, if he cared so much, why would he just let me feel this way? I felt that he used me. He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He said it was the ‘sex’ that caused me to feel this way…. I apologized, and I thought he understood me. I told him that this was not me, the BDP isn’t me… I ruined it; he probably thinks I’m crazy… I feel used, played, betrayed, hurt. I want to address it before he goes, wish him good luck, and give his x-mas present…

    “I do therapy, but I’m not sure if it’s benefiting me yet. I always ruin my relationships, because I get needy. I don’t understand. How do I stop ruining my relationships, why does it have to be a cycle?”

    In a reply to me, Dec 2020: “I was diagnosed by my former therapist a year ago with BDP…  My parents separated when I was around 5-6 years old. My mom left to work in the US when I was living in a different country. My dad lived in Japan. I lived with my aunt till I was 9. I didn’t know till recently, a year ago that it made an impact in my life. My mom worked a lot. My dad lives in a different country…  I was left alone…  So, my BDP manifests every time when I get triggered (abandonment, betrayal, feeling uncared) the black and white thinking. I would always ask myself ‘Why would they do that?’… There is this empty feeling that comes back and forth, esp. with relationships, holidays… I also tend to see the goodness of people. So, when I feel betrayed, then my anger lashes out. It’s the same for friends or with men in general”.

    Next post (perhaps tomorrow) will be about my experiences with BPD, and similarities with lil.lily’s experiences.

    anita

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