Dear Unloveable:

You shared that you may be suffering from OCD, not diagnosed yet, that you’ve been obsessively regretting mistakes you made in the beginning of your now 1.5 years relationship. You’ve been so distressed over this that you went on antidepressants.

You met your boyfriend in 2017, when you were 17. After your first date with him, his ex messaged you saying that “he was still messaging her telling her he was still  in love with her”. You then argued with him and the two of you didn’t speak until 2018. He then ghosted you because he was “struggling with his mental health pretty badly”. In the start of 2019, he messaged you, apologising, you forgave him and the two of you started a relationship.

During the start of 2019, when your relationship with him was just beginning, before you and your boyfriend were official, you communicated with another guy you knew before, sending him (naked, I assume) pictures of yourself. After you and your boyfriend became official, that other guy messaged you, flirting with you, asking if you “wanted to see a picture of his.. you know”, and you answered that you “kinda miss (his.. you know)”.

Three months later, you met a guy at work who you found attractive. One day, you and that guy “ended up speaking all day at work”. This guy told you sexual jokes,  you “haha-d” his jokes and told a friend at the time that this guy made you horny. Your boyfriend knew of this guy and was jealous. You accused him of being overly jealous and had a huge argument with him.

Over a year later, currently, you are “filled with serious regret over this”, and you hate yourself (“I hate myself so much for everything I did”). You confessed to “most of this” to your boyfriend and he said “it was all fine and it was so long ago”, but that made you feel worse because you feel that he should hate you.

You asked: “How can I overcome this?

My answer: I suggest that you confess- not to your  boyfriend- but to yourself: that indeed you were not faithful to your boyfriend back in 2019, that you really did cheat on him.

When you deny and/ or minimize cheating on him, you prolong our own pain and end up  obsessing, regretting and hating yourself. If you accept that you did, you have the opportunity to mourn your misbehavior, to feel sad about it for a while, and then- let it go, move on, seeing to it that you no longer cheat on him again.

Can you do that: admit it to yourself (here on your anonymous thread, if you want) that you indeed cheated on him back in 2019?

anita

Dear Unloveable:

You made mistakes, yes, and you will make more mistakes in the future: we all do, we can’t be perfect, but we can try to become better and better people.

You made your mistakes but your  boyfriend made his mistakes. It is about learning from our mistakes, and doing our imperfect best to not repeat. When we do these two things- we earn self-forgiveness.

When you notice next that your boyfriend made a mistake, you can help him to learn what he can learn from his mistake and then help him forgive himself- you will be able to help him this way because you will have the practice. So please, practice what I just suggested to you.

anita

Dear Unloveable:

You are most welcome, Loveable (!) Interesting, you mentioned Zoloft- that’s what I was prescribed for my diagnosed OCD and it helped me a lot: it cut off the obsessive thoughts like a pair of scissors, is how I described it at the time.

anita

Dear Unloveable:

Thank you. It don’t remember how long I took it before I noticed a big difference, within a couple of weeks. The famous placebo effect could have played a part in how soon it felt to me that it was working. I wish I had quality psychotherapy to go with the medication, at the time.

anita

Dear Unloveable:

I will be back to your thread to reply further Sat morning, in about  15 hours from now. Feel free to post again before I return.

anita

Dear Unloveable:

My OCD does not exist anymore. I used to have strong OCD for decades, strongest during my teenage years: Obsessions and Compulsions. The anxiety that fueled my OCD (it fuels anyone’s OCD) is much lower now. When you experience less anxiety, there is less fuel available for a variety of disorders.

I still suffer from elevated anxiety at times, which still fuels another disorder: Tourette Syndrome (also,  most severe during my teenage years, but severe enough  all through my 20s and 30s). Currently, it expresses itself in a few facial and shoulder tics- tics that are fueled by anxiety but also produce anxiety, every tic comes with added anxiety in the movement itself, plus more anxiety about being seen tic-ing.

I had my first quality psychotherapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a heavy touch of Mindfulness) in 2011 and ever since, I’ve been dedicated- and increasingly more dedicated in recent years- to what I call my Healing Process. I stopped taking any and all prescribed medications, such as Zoloft, in 2013 and didn’t take any since. As time goes on I am healing more and more: I aim at it every day and I make it happen, bit by bit. Healing, really, is a very powerful force in nature: everything that gets hurt- if it does not die- it starts healing right away; therefore, it is possible for me too, and for you, to tap into this natural force, using our ability to cognitively understand things, to form goals and plans, and live intentional lives- to heal from anxiety and the many disorders that it fuels.

Regarding Zoloft, you suggested that it might not work for you. There are other drugs in the family of Zoloft, the SSRI family, that may fit you better. Psychiatrists approach this in an experimental, hit and miss fashion (try this, does it work? If it doesn’t work, try that, etc.).

anita