Dear Timepasseges2070:

You shared that you’ve been “good, but casual” friends with a woman for twenty years, getting together for coffee a few times a year. A few years ago, she informed you that she has been living with her husband as roommates for a couple of years by that time, and that she decided to ask him for a divorce. Later, you shared with her about your marriage that has been declining for years.

A year and a half ago, and for over a year, the two of you became “a lot closer”, being each other’s “main confidantes”, “never went more than a week without talking, or texting”, she “literally could not go more than a few days without texting or calling me for over a year.. would go on social media if I didn’t respond to a text, or voicemail, fast enough”, and the two of you got together more frequently than before. You became “pretty dependent on her over the past year”.

About four months ago, she “was starting to distance” from the friendship. You emailed her asking if everything was okay, with a low-key attitude, and her response was that “she was tired of chasing friends around and people not being responsive to her texts… she needed space from everyone”. You responded with a “freak out” email, and in response, she “asked for a break in our friendship”. You reached out to her, but “crickets”.

You wrote: “The last email exchange involved her telling me that he had not reconciled with her husband and that nothing had changed. But she did say she didn’t want to tick my wife off… I am really baffled.. my gut feeling tells me she still wants me in her life… but at the same time it almost feels like she is trying to keep me, and our friendship, at bay for some reason she doesn’t want to say. I am 90% sure it’s not because she is reconciling with her husband… But ultimately I truly miss having her in my life… part of me wonders if the issue is that she had feelings and just felt we had nowhere else to go without crossing a line. Or maybe she is afraid she is going to make my marriage worse”-

– My thoughts:

1. You came up with a few possibilities to explain the change in her behavior about 4 months ago. Here is a possibility that crossed my mind when I read: “The last email exchange involved her telling me… she didn’t want to tick my wife off”- maybe your wife approached her and confronted her, and that is why she backed off from you. I imagine you don’t think it possible, because you would have listed this as a possibility otherwise (?)

2. Another possibility that crossed my mind when I read that the two of you “never went more than a week without texting”, and that she “literally could not go more than a few days without texting or calling me for over a year… would go on social media if I didn’t respond to a text or voicemail, fast enough”- is that what you considered not fast enough, she considered too long: for a lot of people (maybe more so for women), going more than a day without texting with a close friend is too long, but for other people going three days without texting is not a big deal. The fact that she went on social media so to get your attention when you didn’t respond to her text or voicemail, indicates to me that she waited and waited for your response, getting distressed waiting. Eventually, she got tired or repeatedly waiting and distanced herself from you. This possibility fits with what she told you, that “she was tired of chasing friends around and people not being responsive to her texts”.

3. Regarding “part of me wonders if the issue is that she had feelings and just felt we had nowhere else to go without crossing the line”- a possibility crossed my mind that maybe she wanted to cross the line and was waiting for you to initiate such crossing. After some time that you didn’t cross the line, she withdrew (?)

You asked for advice regarding “just shooting her a casual text like I used to about some random thing”- I don’t know if this is a good idea, but if you offer me your thoughts about the possibilities I brought up, I will have more information and may be able to advise you.

anita