Thanks so much for your insights because they have caused me to do a bit more reflection and come to some conclusions.

First, I think, for the time being at least, I need to let go, back away, and let The Universe take control for a while. The fact is that my friend is not going anywhere and I don’t believe our journey together is over.  We have been in each other’s lives for twenty years and I believe there is a reason for that. I just think that perhaps some actual “emotional distance” on my part in which I truly let go of this situation will help me. Secondly, I think that I should have been honest with myself, and with her, about my true feelings.

While I didn’t intend for things to go this direction as I got closer to her, and let my guard down, I started to have feelings for her that were much stronger that friendship. I can’t say that I started to fall in love with her but I do know that my internal feelings were crossing boundaries. I think perhaps she had some feelings too but regardless it probably would have been helpful when I felt things  starting to go in a certain direction to just stop, reflect, and have an honest discussion with each other. If she had chosen to walk away from me, or we had mutually chosen to back away from the friend for a time, that would have been better than  months of limbo. And finally, I need to forgive her.

Yes, I know there are issues on my side, and I certainly could have handled things better, but my anger, which you picked up on, comes from the fact that instead of just having an honest conversation with me as to what was really going on with her she chose to “gas light”  me by pretending we hadn’t gotten close and all of things that she said, and did, over the past year never happened.

This was extremely hurtful and it made me feel like she used me like an appliance of some sort she  until she got bored, or a better situation came along,  and she decided to just put me back up on the shelf until she needed me again.  And this is not how friendships work unless you’re someone with some pretty severe narcissistic tendencies.  In addition, if she viewed me as a bit more than a friend so when something else started happening in her life she felt compelled to change the dynamic of our friendship she should have been willing to just openly discuss so I am not sitting out here feeling like I got broken up with when I wasn’t even aware I was in that type of relationship.

The fact is she had no problem telling me intimate details of not only what happened in her marriage but what was currently happening on a day to day basis so she should have had no problem discussing other things she may have had going on. The only reason she would  have withheld information from me is if she wasn’t viewing me 100% as a friend and she thought if she disclosed certain things to she wouldn’t have gotten the same level of attention from me which would not have been the case. I told her dozens of times I just wanted her to find happiness in her life which I sincerely meant.

But, regardless of what’s going on with her, and what her reasons were, the best thing I can do is find peace within myself. I need to assume she is doing the best she can and that she never intended to hurt me, and ultimately forgive her. I think the time for me to reach out to her will be when I have reached true peace with this situation and I have let go of any anger, resentment and hurt, surrounding this situation.