Dear Riya:

I will first retell your story my way, using quotes from what you shared, and then I will offer you my thoughts and answers to your questions:

You (early 30s, woman with a “bad relation prior”) had a “best guy friend” (early 30s, a divorced man who had “a very abusive marriage for 4 years”, a different religion from yours, which is a big deal where you live). As best friends the two of you were “always so close to each other & everything”, everything included sexual activity. Last week on a weekend getaway, the two of you “almost had sex”. You then told him that you are not comfortable “doing it then”, he backed off “in the middle of it”, and held you close the entire night, “it was very intimate”. That experience led you to feel confident that the indeed liked you “more than a friend”. And so, you told him that you “want to give it a shot”.

His response: I cannot think of a relationship with you or any other girl ever again!  His reasons: his abusive marriage and the difference in religion. He added that you “are always his best friend & will always be”.

You accepted his rejection, told him that you need some time to feel better, he said take as much time as you need, and “to come back to him as his best friend”.

Four days later, confused and heartbroken, you wrote: “I never expected him to reject me. And to add to that, I got friend-zoned. It doesn’t make any sense to me, what was he thinking when he  made love to his best friend (He knew I am not someone who is into casual flings)… I have lost my best friend as well as the person I love… I am already missing him so badly.. he made me believe in love again”.

My thoughts and answers at this point:

You mentioned four different kinds of relations, in parentheses are my definitions to each, which I  believe match your definitions: (1) casual fling, a time-limited sexual relation without societal recognition, and without the expectation that it will develop into a relationship or marriage. (2) friendship/ best-friend (a relation that does not include any sexual activity, romance, or an expectation that it will lead to a relationship/ marriage, (3) “more than a friend” (a relation that started as friendship, gained elements of a relationship- romantic and/ or sexual elements- and may turn to a relationship),  (4) a relationship (a romantic and sexual relationship that is official; recognized by society, and which may lead to marriage).

In your mind, the relation with him was never #1. It was at first #2, then it turned to #3. You felt very intimate with him, believed he felt the same, and offered him to move the relation all the way from #3 to #4. He strongly rejected the offer and you are heart broken.

In his mind, the relation was never #3: he knew all along that it will not become a relationship. To him, the relation was a combination of #1 and #2. He had a casual fling with a woman he truly liked as a friend.

You asked: “did he ever love me or was he just using me”?- if he initiated sexual activity with you knowing that you had romantic feelings toward him, and that you were hoping for a relationship, then yes, he used you.

“If he doesn’t have any feelings, then why did I feel such a strong connection that night”?- he has or had feelings for you, that’s why you felt such a strong connection with him. Problem for you is that his feelings for you were limited to the combination/ category of friendship + casual fling.

In your mind, “more than a friend”, or more than friendship,  meant a friendship (with elements of a relationship) that will move forward and become a relationship. You thought that the relation with him was in between friendship and a relationship. In his mind, he was not in between, he was fine with the relation being just this: a friendship + a casual fling.

“Was I just another casual fling for him?”- if he had casual flings with other women with whom he was not friends, then you were more than another casual fling, you were a casual fling + a friend.

“Will he ever miss me when I’m out of his life”?- I am guessing he will miss you but it doesn’t look like that missing you will lead to him change his mind. I am sorry for your heart break and I hope you feel better very soon. Feel free to post here anytime you want to, and I will reply further.

anita