January 9, 2021 at 3:13 pm #372474
I told my best guy friend that I would like us to be in a relationship & he rejected me.
We were always so close to each other & everything. Also, the attraction is always so evident. It was more like a relationship only, our friends too felt the same. So last week, we had a weekend getaway & we almost had sex. But when I said I’m not comfortable with us doing it then, he respected that & backed off in the middle of it. The entire night he held me close even while asleep & it was very intimate. Even though I have felt it many times before, that day I was positive that he likes me more than a friend.
But when I told him that I want us to give it a shot, he said he cannot think of a relationship with me or any other girl ever again [We both are in our early 30’s & he is a divorcee & has had a very abusive marriage for 4yrs]. Also, we are from different religious backgrounds, so here in our place, it is a big deal. So that also he has mentioned. Then comes the confusing part, he told me I am always his best friend & will always be. I felt so heartbroken coz I never expected him to reject me. And to add to that, I got friend-zoned. It doesn’t even make any sense to me, what was he thinking when he made love to his best friend. [He knew I am not someone who is into casual flings]
Anyway, I accepted it & told him it is okay, that I need some time to feel better. He said its fine, to take as much as time I need & to come back to him as his best friend. I am not sure if I could ever do that, coz I really love this guy.
So I have lost my best friend as well as the person I love. It’s been 4 days since we are in out of touch [The only exception is he sent me a text today asking how am I & I replied better..and tats it] & I am already missing him so badly. I had a bad relation prior so after that, I completely gave up on dating & relationships. Then he came into the picture and made me believe in love again. And it ended up this way. What bothers me the most is did he ever love me or was he just using me. If he doesn’t have any feelings, then why did I feel such a strong connection that night. Was I just another casual fling for him? All these thoughts bother me. Will he ever miss me when I’m out of his life.
Sorry for the lengthy text. But I just dunno how to make me feel better. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.January 9, 2021 at 6:40 pm #372540
I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 9, 2021 at 11:37 pm #372543
Thank you anita..January 10, 2021 at 7:57 am #372546
I will first retell your story my way, using quotes from what you shared, and then I will offer you my thoughts and answers to your questions:
You (early 30s, woman with a “bad relation prior”) had a “best guy friend” (early 30s, a divorced man who had “a very abusive marriage for 4 years”, a different religion from yours, which is a big deal where you live). As best friends the two of you were “always so close to each other & everything”, everything included sexual activity. Last week on a weekend getaway, the two of you “almost had sex”. You then told him that you are not comfortable “doing it then”, he backed off “in the middle of it”, and held you close the entire night, “it was very intimate”. That experience led you to feel confident that the indeed liked you “more than a friend”. And so, you told him that you “want to give it a shot”.
His response: I cannot think of a relationship with you or any other girl ever again! His reasons: his abusive marriage and the difference in religion. He added that you “are always his best friend & will always be”.
You accepted his rejection, told him that you need some time to feel better, he said take as much time as you need, and “to come back to him as his best friend”.
Four days later, confused and heartbroken, you wrote: “I never expected him to reject me. And to add to that, I got friend-zoned. It doesn’t make any sense to me, what was he thinking when he made love to his best friend (He knew I am not someone who is into casual flings)… I have lost my best friend as well as the person I love… I am already missing him so badly.. he made me believe in love again”.
My thoughts and answers at this point:
You mentioned four different kinds of relations, in parentheses are my definitions to each, which I believe match your definitions: (1) casual fling, a time-limited sexual relation without societal recognition, and without the expectation that it will develop into a relationship or marriage. (2) friendship/ best-friend (a relation that does not include any sexual activity, romance, or an expectation that it will lead to a relationship/ marriage, (3) “more than a friend” (a relation that started as friendship, gained elements of a relationship- romantic and/ or sexual elements- and may turn to a relationship), (4) a relationship (a romantic and sexual relationship that is official; recognized by society, and which may lead to marriage).
In your mind, the relation with him was never #1. It was at first #2, then it turned to #3. You felt very intimate with him, believed he felt the same, and offered him to move the relation all the way from #3 to #4. He strongly rejected the offer and you are heart broken.
In his mind, the relation was never #3: he knew all along that it will not become a relationship. To him, the relation was a combination of #1 and #2. He had a casual fling with a woman he truly liked as a friend.
You asked: “did he ever love me or was he just using me”?- if he initiated sexual activity with you knowing that you had romantic feelings toward him, and that you were hoping for a relationship, then yes, he used you.
“If he doesn’t have any feelings, then why did I feel such a strong connection that night”?- he has or had feelings for you, that’s why you felt such a strong connection with him. Problem for you is that his feelings for you were limited to the combination/ category of friendship + casual fling.
In your mind, “more than a friend”, or more than friendship, meant a friendship (with elements of a relationship) that will move forward and become a relationship. You thought that the relation with him was in between friendship and a relationship. In his mind, he was not in between, he was fine with the relation being just this: a friendship + a casual fling.
“Was I just another casual fling for him?”- if he had casual flings with other women with whom he was not friends, then you were more than another casual fling, you were a casual fling + a friend.
“Will he ever miss me when I’m out of his life”?- I am guessing he will miss you but it doesn’t look like that missing you will lead to him change his mind. I am sorry for your heart break and I hope you feel better very soon. Feel free to post here anytime you want to, and I will reply further.
anitaJanuary 10, 2021 at 11:38 am #372550
Thanks, anita, for the hard truth.. I really do appreciate that you took time to explain things with clarity. I very much needed that. Deep down, I guess I know it already but just needed someone to say it out to me that it is done.
I’m trying to keep completely out of touch but he tried contacting me today. I dint pick up so he sent me a voice note saying he likes me but he is too scared to go into another relationship. Plus even if we go ahead there will be a lot of issues coz of religion & parental pressure, that he is not ready to go through it. He said he had married once against his parents’ wishes, and cannot do it one more time. After all of this, let’s say, if it didn’t work out between us, he will lose me as well. Also said that he cannot hurt me & can’t afford to lose me.
I don’t understand why does he think this relationship will fail, even before it starts. Anyway, I’m trying to refrain myself from responding but this is very hard for me. I know there is nothing I could do here to make things work, I know there is no future, still, I keep hoping that we could be together. When I say that, even I know it is so stupid to think like that, but I just cannot help it.
He has always been there for me, has supported me in many ways when it was really needed. So I feel guilty in a way to cut contact. I don’t know why, but I keep feeling bad for him also. I just wish things would get better for both of us.January 10, 2021 at 11:51 am #372551
“I don’t understand why does he think this relationship will fail, even before it starts”-
– he answered your question: “there will be a lot of issues coz of religion & parental pressure… he had married once against his parents’ wishes, and cannot do it one more time”. It means that he suffered a lot from his parents’ disapproval of his first marriage, and knowing that his parents will disapprove of a marriage to you, he does not want to suffer from their disapproval of a second marriage.
Doesn’t his answer make sense to you?
anitaJanuary 10, 2021 at 12:43 pm #372554
I know I am venting out things, which would not even make sense. So thank you for listening, anita 🙂
Yes, it does. Also, I know I cannot do anything about it. Still, couldn’t help but feel a bit bad. I mean yes, religion is a huge problem here, but I know his parents if they think this is important for him, they will support him. That’s what I have always felt about them. He is simply thinking it will fail anyway, so he doesn’t even want to try. If someone really wants something, they usually at least try whatever they can, for it, isn’t it.. So that gets to me. It’s okay though, I will gradually accept that it is not going to happen 🙁January 10, 2021 at 1:04 pm #372555
I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 7 hours from now, or in about 17 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 11, 2021 at 8:00 am #372587
You are welcome. “I am venting out things, which would not even make sense”- it is okay to vent your feelings here, and feelings often don’t make sense.
“Still, couldn’t help but feel a bit bad. I mean yes, religion is a huge problem here, but I know his parents if they think this is important for him, they will support him. That’s what I have always felt about them”- even though it is okay for any one of us to vent our feelings (in ways that don’t hurt others), it is very unwise to let our feelings do our thinking.
Our thinking should be guided by logic and reason, not overtaken by our feelings. You know that religion is a huge problem, and yet, you “know” that his parents would have approved him marrying someone of a different religion. You “know” because you want/ desire (=feelings) them to approve.
“If someone really wants something, they usually at least try whatever they can”- he told you that his parents disapproved of his first marriage, meaning he already tried to marry a woman who was disapproved by his parents, and he married her, and it didn’t work out.
anitaJanuary 11, 2021 at 8:28 am #372589
yeah well, I don’t even know what to say. Maybe you are right. I just hope I could feel better soon..January 11, 2021 at 9:03 am #372591
You want to feel better soon, and I want you to feel better soon. How can that be accomplished: is there something you can do now, or today, so to feel better, anything from taking a hot bath while listening to your favorite music, to watching a movie.. to taking a walk outside or exercise.. writing a poem.. anything?