Dear Bun:

At the end of your original post yesterday, you asked: “Does anyone have any idea why I feel this way and how I should move forward?”- to answer this question, I will put together some (not all) of what you shared over the years, with quotes, so to get a better picture in my mind of your situation today:

In May 2017, you (20 or 21) shared about your first heartbreak, a guy you met while in high school who you felt used you for sex: “We would only hook up late at night. He never invited me out, never communicated about anything other than sex”. Years later: “We hook up if we happen to be in the same city”.

In December 2017, you (21) shared that you were moving around a lot and lost all of your clothing. You were going through depressive states because of all the moving/ relocating, the roommate/ apartment situations, not working/ not making money, and when working- you loathed your job even though it made you a lot of money. You shared that you never had a boyfriend, and that most of your encounters with guys have been physically jumping the gun too soon: “I express my like for them in that way, and if I like someone it’s hard not to want that close, enjoyable experience”.

In March 2018, you shared: “So my life was going relatively fine. I mean, I had a problem with feeling depressed but for the most part was hopeful of my wants/ needs. All of a sudden, after one bad event, it seems I was plagued with bad luck”.

In April 2018, you (21) shared: “I don’t really have a support system in my life. I don’t have close family… I don’t have parents or colleagues or anyone close to ask for advice”, most of your time was spent “entirely alone”, and when it came to making the bigger decisions in life, you often felt alone and confused, “navigating through life alone feels hard”. You also shared that you were working in a club in which you were free to come in whenever you wanted, and that five months prior, when you were “super depressed”, you met a guy and clung to him, but “still am sad”.

In May 2018, you shared that your family was dysfunctional, “basically had no parents”, that you were the youngest of your siblings, and none of your siblings talked to your parents. Of your siblings you were the most successful and the one your siblings turned for money. You wrote: “I am torn between the love I feel for family, even if they don’t love me. I want to help so so so much, always.. It’s hard for me to turn my back even if I’m being abused. It takes until I am totally broken to say, okay I actually cannot go on any longer”.

In October 2018, you shared that of your siblings, you were “the most responsible”, that they turn to you for help; that your sister “has always been depressed and angry”, that she couldn’t pay her rent, and you paid part of it. There was absolutely no one else in your family to rescue her.

In November 2018, you shared that you “wanted friends badly”, that your job was lucrative and flexible but solitary, and very incongruent with your personality, so much so that it made you depressed, and your life was a daily battle.

More than a year later, in December 2019, you shared that your former job caused you stress and you decided to be a yoga teacher. You shared that you were “a highly sensitive introvert”, that you “feel the moods/ energy of others deeply and find it draining to be in a room of people as I am picking up on their energy”. In the yoga school you attended, being “mixed with black and that is quite obvious.. the only black one here”, you were drained by their conversations, undertone of judgment and racist comments.

In May 2020, you shared that after some hectic months, you decided to move quickly for your health, having moved into an apartment complex while your applicating was still being processed. You did not feel comfortable there.

In January 2021, yesterday, you(24) shared that you and E were friends since you were 12, that you moved in with her family when you were 15 because of your troubled life at home, that at 16 you moved back home, then a year later back to E’s home. Then, when you were 18, you had an argument with E’s mother in regard to her mother complaining that a friend of yours and E’s  who had a troubled life in her home, was spending too much time in E’s house. You felt upset with E’s mother. a pastor’s wife, for not being compassionate with your friend, arguing with her for the first time, angrily saying to her: “I am closer to god than you are..”! She then kicked you and the friend out of the house.

Fast forward, you moved to Los Angeles, then flew to E’s state for her birthday but she wasn’t there at the airport to welcome you because she slept in. Years later, in 2020, you moved back to her state, excited to see her on your birthday, “jumping for joy”, but as she stepped out of her car, she  looked dissatisfied, unhappy, and said she was on Adderall (Central Nervous Systems stimulants, used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder) and had only 2 hours of sleep. She spent three days with you sleeping until later in the afternoons and having a bad attitude, complaining to you that she is walking on eggshells and can’t be herself around you. You then “ended the friendship for over a year”.

You also shared that in January 2020, your housing plans in LA didn’t materialize, so you moved abruptly with your half sister in LA, knowing you can’t stay there long because she had a roommate. The tension there rose while it took months for you to find a place. You finally moved to the apartment complex mentioned earlier- that didn’t work out, so you stayed with a guy friend from high school, but felt uncomfortable there. Following an argument with him, you moved to your half brother’s house. It was stressful there, so you flew to New York to stay with an older man you didn’t know well. Following him hosting an orgy in the living room, you freaked out, called your mother, she called the police, and you were escorted to the airport so to fly and stay with your mother’s.

At the airport, you decided to fly to E’s place, to “stay and work” and this is where you are currently staying, with E and her brother, having no other friends there and no car. The conflicts since the last time you saw her have not been resolved, and what you observe about her- you don’t like: “I honestly started to feel so tense around her… (she is) quick to judge.. she even makes fun of small physical details of her current partner.. he’s fat and ugly. And I think- if she is capable and allows these kind of judgment to her partner- how does she judge her friends?… it feels draining to be around (her)… I have never seen her take accountability in our entire friendship for any problem even outside our friendship.. We have different lifestyles. I like to prioritize health and well-being, being in nature… she.. late nights, drinking, other kind of drugs. To keep peace on certain days.. (I) just DRINK and hangout… I feel if I start yoga I will be getting death stares”.

The plan was for you to live in E’s place (with her brother living there too) and work in a restaurant. Problem is that you are experiencing a lot of distress living there, and you can’t sleep well at night because E and her brother are up and about, making noise. You feel “so exhausted from this each day.. body feels weak at this point.. like being in some torture house.. confused and exhausted”. You are thinking about moving to your mother’s place (different city, same state), where your brother and occasionally his family also live, but you remember well that she “can often lash out for no reason- lots of memories in childhood and why  only 2/4 of her children are talking to her”.

Back to your current question: “Does anyone have any idea why I feel this way and how I should move forward?”-

a. Why you feel this way- best I understand, you feel exhausted because you are in a bad situation: it would be exhausting for anyone to live with E and her brother, to not be able to sleep at night because they are out and about making noise. It would feel exhausting for anyone to live with a person who is quick to judge, being passive-aggressive and mentally unwell (with the exception of a person who needs to sleep at the same time they sleep for as long as they sleep, and/ or someone who is very unwell  mentally, and/ or on drugs unaware of what’s going on).

b. How you should move forward- my suggestions:

(1) Move out of E’s home as soon as possible, and never move back with her.

(2) Do not move in with your mother. Or with any one of your siblings. Or with any one of the friends you mentioned, with whom you had bad experiences.

(3) If you have any savings, if you have any income (unemployment or whatnot)- do not give any of it to any of your siblings or to other family members. It is time for you to no longer be their monetary helper. Instead, use all your money for your benefit.

(4) Control/ manage your impulsivity- thoroughly think before you act: make thoughtful choices.

(5) Do not allow anyone to use you for sex or for money.

(6) As you consider interacting with people you already know and with new people in your life (as friends or roommates or boyfriends or whatnot), ask yourself- and find out the answers before committing to any living arrangement with that person: * Is this person honest and respectful.. or not?  *Is this person assertive or aggressive/ passive-aggressive? * What is this person’s lifestyle and does it fit mine? *Is this person on drugs, and if so- what kinds of drugs and what are the side effects.. does this person sleep at night? Etc.

(7) There are lots and lots of people who are mentally unwell (I was unwell for many years)- you have to be careful as to who you interact with and in what context: many people will take you down with them. Choose the exceptional people who will pick you up and help you, as you help them.

anita