Dear Jenny:

I am fine, thank you, welcome back to your thread.

“After one of your early posts about how I’d also been argumentative and abusive towards my ex which fueled his abuse, I was very disturbed for a while”- I had never posted to you that you were abusive toward your ex. That’s what you said to yourself, hearing your own words over mine.

Sept 3 2020, you wrote: “self doubt.. is at the bottom of it. Over the years, I’ve constantly fed to myself and he’d told me too that his behavior is my causing”- his very rude behaviors are not your causing, but the belief that you caused his rude behaviors has been tormenting you for a long time.

Fast forward, Jan 27 2021, you wrote: “I was very disturbed.. micro-analysing everything I ever did to instigate him. Sometimes I’d think all night”, and you followed with a list of allegedly wrong emotions and behaviors on your part that are allegedly responsible for his rude and cruel behaviors: you were “clingy, needy and smothering.. didn’t give him space but was anxious and resentful.. a mess”, etc.

You wrote today: “he definitely behaved in ways that.. were inconsiderate and very rude towards me.. but (he) did not make me into a crying, begging woman. At max he triggered the tendencies that were already very much present inside my brain due to childhood”- it is true that your parents formed you when you were a child, and that because of your childhood, you kept him in your life, instead of removing him from your life.

You present the situation as if a person who is abused should take the abuse like a champ- never cry or beg, never complain, do nothing wrong..  be a perfect victim.

I agree with you that indeed you did not cause his rudeness/ abuse, that you “didn’t put those tendencies in him, like he always claimed. They were already present.. (and) those tendencies would have still come out when he’d go through unpleasant times” with another woman. I agree with: “the abuse is his problem. Not mine”- I agree that you didn’t cause his abuse of you, and that indeed, his abuse is not your problem (for as long as you don’t have him in your life).

“I am now focused on my growth Anita because I do have issues.. there are behavioural patterns that I have to change or they’ll come up even with the best of guys. Does this make sense?”-

– Yes, it does make sense, you do have issues and they need to be worked on and resolved. But notice this: you wrote that our issues will come up “with the best of guys”->

-> part of your growth will be developing your ability to evaluate men and thoughtfully choose the next man in your life, so that you do indeed have “the best”, and not someone who is disrespectful, inconsiderate and rude. Your growth will also include becoming the best for your future partner.

anita