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Don’t WANT to completely let go the ex.

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  • #365987
    jenny
    Participant

    Please Help.
    5 years long distance relationship, been 1 year to the breakup. He dumped me for the 4th time last year and this time I decided to not let him back in ever. A part of me though still wished he would contact, even tho I’ll not go back to him, maybe it was my bruised ego, maybe the hurt. And that happened. One month after the breakup, he began contacting me and contacted me for 9 months straight since then insinuating, tho not directly stating, that he wanted me back; a couple times a month. I spoke a little with him, picked around 1 out of every 7-8 calls, mainly telling him to stop contacting which was met with anger. Meanwhile, I did a fair bit of reading and figured out that he has narcissistic straits. I want to resist thinking of him as an out and out narcissist but I’m convinced that he is on the higher spectrum of selfishness and lack of empathy. A month ago I finally told him to just stop because i figured he’s still just the same, he started calling me names in response and I believe he’s now gone, for good. However, I still cant stop thinking of him 24/7. I have realized he’s wrong for me, his post-breakup behavior has shown he hasn’t changed one bit, and I know i cannot have a future with him. But I’m just not able to completely let go. When i tried introspecting why, i realized that its because i don’t WANT to. I feel like I loved him, this was a very important relation to me, my first and if i let go completely, i will be invalidating it in some way, as if it doesn’t matter. I keep convincing myself that it is already over, what is left, do i want to see him moving on one day and then feel worse but its as if a part of me still wants to carry a part of the relationship. Its like i don’t want to completely bounce back, i don’t want to be completely happy because it would mean the relation is no longer relevant and important and is meaningless. how crazy that sounds even while i’m writing it. It’s a mental block i have. I feel if i completely move on, i won’t be respecting my past, it’ll be as if the relation didn’t mean anything, as if the last 5 years meant nothing, as if if i look back years later, i’ll find no thread to it, I’m scared that I’ll forget about him, a part of me wants to carry it in my heart, wants to hold it special, but my mind knows that i should heal and move completely specially since now i know he’s wrong for me. What do i do? How do i break though this mental block?

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    #365994
    Peter
    Participant

    The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have – Kierkegaard.

    It may be a error to think that ‘letting go’ means forgetting. The reality of life is that it is a cycle of letting go, a cycle of birth, death and rebirth, the reality of each breath we take.

    We ‘Let Go’ as we detach our ego from the moment to better learn from it. the ego will attempt to cling, blame, control and identify the moment as being the self. So we detach (this is not indifference) the ego to get perspective.

    No experience is lost when we take what we learn forward.  Looking boldly at the best and worse our experiences the path forward become clearer.
    Love given and received is never lost. Sometimes love means a relationship ends but it remains Love. The ping pong nature of your relationship born out of love is not the love you need in this moment.

    How do you breath through this mental block? We work for that which no work is required. The thoughts that you have are a real as only you make them.

     

     

     

    #365995
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jenny:

    You shared that you had a 5 year long distance relationship with a man who broke up with you, or in your word, dumped you last year for the 4th time. A month later he contacted you and kept contacting you for 9 months while you “picked 1 out of every 7-8 calls”, telling him to stop contacting you.

    You’ve done some reading and you are “convinced that he is on the higher spectrum of selfishness and lack of empathy”. When you told him, again, a month ago to stop contacting you, he called you names. You “believe he’s now gone, for good”. Problem is that even though you know that he is wrong for you and that you cannot have a future with him, you are thinking about him 24/7.

    You wrote: “When I tried introspecting why, I realized that it’s because I don’t WANT to… a part of me still wants to carry a part of the relationship.. I don’t want to be completely happy because it would mean the relation is no longer relevant and important and is meaningless. How crazy that sounds… I’m scared that I’ll forget about him, a part of me wants to carry it in my heart”.

    This is how I understand what sounds crazy but is not at all crazy or bizarre- in your heart there is a strong emotional attachment= Love. Think of your Love as a bird, and your heart as a tree. In the tree there is a five year old nest-for-two. For five years, when the bird needs to rest, that where she goes- to that nest for two. It is not the greatest of nests, it is not smooth and it pokes the bird’s skin, causing her to bleed a little, here and there,  but that’s where the bird is used to sit; she is not aware of any other nest on the tree. She is not aware that she can build a new nest, a better nest, elsewhere in the tree.

    Your Love is attached to a team-of-two: you + him. I think that you are afraid that if the team (nest-for-two, you and him) is gone, your Love will be gone too (the bird will die). You don’t want your Love gone, so you don’t want to lose that nest.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #365997
    jenny
    Participant

    Thanks a lot Peter. “No experience is lost when we take what we learn forward”, I’m sure this line will make me see letting go and moving on in a more wholesome way. I just have one question though, is it possible to reach a place where i feel nothing for my ex-bf? Sometimes i also feel that maybe I’m putting too unrealistic an expectation on me, thinking that i should just never think or miss him or feel even a tad bit of nostalgia. So with my mind telling me that i should detach every emotion from him and my heart not really wanting to let go, I think I get too stuck. Maybe I need a more realistic, middle ground. Do let me know what you think and if you can help me see what that middle ground should be.

    #365998
    jenny
    Participant

    Thanks a lot Anita, yes that makes sense but the way I’m thinking just seems crazy to me. I mean its not like I want him back, he came back, I then refused to take him back, a fact that very frankly I’m very proud of. Some days when I feel low, the only thing that makes me feel good is that for the first time in 5 years I put my self-value and self-love and respect above my love and want for him. So its not exactly that I want the nest to be there. I am also open to building another nest, my mind’s open to the idea at least, but its like I also don’t want to forget that nest, end that nest’s sanctity. But then i fear that this will just make me miserable, hanging between the past and present like this.

    I think I just need to accept that that nest is gone and completely open my heart and mind to building a new nest without wanting to hold a piece of the old nest within me and that is what I’m having a problem with. I mean sometimes I feel angry, angry with myself over wanting to remember fondly a man who only hurt me. I don’t know if this makes sense, maybe I’ll think a little more about your perspective, sleep over it and get back to you. Thank you so much for taking out the time, it’s like i was just fighting with myself all this while and I now I have a few people who can help me do this better.

    #365999
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jenny:

    You are welcome. I will let you sleep over it and get back to me, like you said you want to do. For now, I have a comment about what you wrote in your second post (and I hope Peter will get back to you regarding your questions):

    “Is it possible to reach a place where I feel nothing for my ex-bf?”- yes, but not any time  soon, maybe in months from now, I am guessing.

    “Sometimes I also feel that maybe I’m putting too unrealistic an expectation on me, thinking that I should just never think or miss him.. that I should detach every emotion from him.. I get too stuck”- these are unrealistic expectations, wishful thinking: humans cannot make emotional attachment disappear/ be gone, and the more you try the impossible, the more stuck you get.

    “Maybe I need a more realistic, middle ground”- I agree. Don’t fight your emotional attachment to him; don’t fight any of your feelings; the more you fight them, the stronger they get, and longer they last. Don’t be harsh on yourself for feeling anything that you feel, relax, let yourself be.

    anita

     

    #366013
    jenny
    Participant

    I thought about it Anita. I think it’s not just not wanting to move on, there are a lot of things, conflicting thoughts rather that are going in my head. Maybe because usually i discuss or vent with my girlfriends, but he’s just left so many times that now I don’t even feel comfortable bothering my closed ones with the same things about the same man so maybe all the pent up thoughts keep messing with my head. I’ll try and put it out to the best of my abilities and it’ll be great if you could help me find a solution.

    1. I’ve read up all that I could on narcissism and he showed and continues to show many traits. He never apologized, even in the last months that he contacted, his way of talking was rude and gas lighting, questioning me for not begging him to stay again. Even when we were together, he was emotionally unavailable, said things like ‘I’m like this only, but you are sensible, you should know better’ in every conflict, would switch off his phone for hours when I would break down in a fight, by the end of it even if i expressed a mere polite displeasure over the way he spoke to me or something trivial, he’d say I’m fighting and avoid me etc. So, in my head I am convinced but then again, since I haven’t seen him with another girl ever since, a small voice in my head also sometimes thinks what if just something works with the other girl and he has the happily ever after with someone that I emotionally invested towards for 5 years. What if he is not narcissistic or just changes or something on the same lines. It’s twisted really, a part of me wants him to be happy wherever he is but then again I can’t help thinking about him being better to another girl.  I feel really evil for even having this thought but believing that he will be the same narcissistic way he was with me with even his next gf or wife, makes me feel better.

    2. I’m just very hurt by the post-breakup interaction between us, its like I’ve accepted the narcissism but seeing it unfold is hurting. When it’d ended, I’d literally begged him for a week for even an explanation for he’d just randomly said he’s going amid an argument, he’d blocked me from every contact and even up till now, he hasn’t once apologized. Every time that I have answered his calls, he’s only talked rudely and called me childish and stupid for not answering each of his calls and for not wanting to speak to him. The  last conversation, where i told him that I don’t want to speak to him because it hurts me and I don’t want anymore hurt and then wished him well for his life ahead, he began calling me names and ended with saying that he also has no interest in speaking to me now and that I will always be a stupid and immature girl and hung up saying ‘get lost’. I mean I know i should have expected it by now but I’m still appalled. Here i was thinking that maybe 1% regret, maybe something, maybe he realized something, maybe at least he’ll ask me how have I been holding up but no, it seemed that all he was interested in was to just get me to say that I’m glad that he called and initiate getting back together from my side only. It’s making me feel as if these 5 years were a lie, as if it meant nothing to him, as if he’s not the man at all that i fell in love with and I hate that feeling. My head keeps questioning that did he never love me at all, does he really think that bad of me, and i feel angry that he after leaving me so brutally on a phone call, he has the audacity to still turn it around at me.

    3. The last thing is that despite it all, I keep thinking of him, sometimes with anger, sometimes with all the what-ifs, I’m 28 so I was thinking of marriage with him, he also would in words at least talk about marriage and now to think I would have to have all that with someone else and this relation will just get lost in obscurity is a bad feeling. its that case, like you know, when a close one dies, some of us mourn and learn to move on and just be happy, while some of us mourn and then get on with life but always carry them and remember them almost daily, as if keeping them alive within them. I think I’m the second kind of mourner by default but i just don’t want to because he clearly doesn’t care and i need to stop caring about maintaining the sanctity and respect of my past. I think I’m not scared that the love will be lost, the bird will die if the nest is lost, I know in my head that i will love any person that i end up with totally, i know there are good men out there, but the end of all my dreams with this particular person and the thought of us in particular never having anything in life anymore ever, is something that makes me feel bad and thus, i feel i tend to hold on.

    I think that is all. Gosh, I actually feel better by even writing it all down.

    #366014
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jenny:

    As far as # 1: “I feel really evil for even having this thought but believing that he will be the same narcissistic way he was with me with even his next gf or wife, makes me feel better”-

    – whatever thoughts occur to you,  and whatever feeling you experience- that’s between you and .. you. What I mean by it is that your thoughts and feelings do not exit your brain/ body; they stays in you unless you put them into words and actions that you communicate to others. It is your words and actions that can make you good or bad, not your thoughts and feelings. So you are not evil because you think what you think.

    Regarding #2 and what you shared elsewhere about this man: if the behaviors you described on his part are not his emotional reactions to you abusing him or harassing him (ex. calling him names, threatening him, calling him non-stop, etc.), then regardless whether he could be diagnosed by a professional with Narcissitic Personality Disorder or not, he is a very rude and cruel person, not one I would want any woman to get involved with. A man who is this rude and cruel does not change to a gentle and kind man with new woman, not long term.

    Regarding #3: if you are the “second kind of mourner” who “get on with life but always carry them and remember them almost daily, as if keeping them alive within them”- do you think that you will be carrying the good times you had with him (did you???), or also the rudeness and cruelty that you described?

    I am glad you feel better just by writing it all down.

    anita

    #366046
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Jenny

    Is it possible to reach a place where i feel nothing for my ex-bf?

    I suppose it’s possible however that would be along the lines of ‘letting go’ by forgetting or more problematic repressing the experience and what we might learn about ourselves through them.

    There is a time for everything including a time of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a ‘longing for home’ and can teach us a great deal about ourselves. What it is that leaves us feeling safe, loved, content, at home in our own skin. That said it’s easy to get stuck in our nostalgia if we project this feeling of ‘being at home’ onto others or what we do instead of looking for these things within ourselves.

    Its possible your missing the mark with regards the Art of Detachment when you say “my mind telling me that i should detach every emotion”. That may be a kind of repression that could lead to indifference to our feelings and experience. To learn and grow from our experiences its important that we feel what we feel.

    Detachment is the art of feeling what we feel without attaching our sense of self to them. We have emotions we are not our emotions, I earn a living doing this or that job, ‘I’ am not my job… When we find ourselves attaching our sense of self to a emotion, job, person… it is often as indication that the ego it attempting to cling and or control which often comes from a place of fear.

    Asking the ego to “let go’  when we have attached our sense of self to the ego, will feel like dying to the ego.  Which in a way, metaphorically, it is. As we let go we detach our sense of self from the ego. The ego no longer in the driver seat, its going to resist that ‘dying’. .. Who am I if not what I do or what I feel?  Who I am without this other person? Scary stuff.

    Detaching ourselves from this fearful ego might start with seeing the ego as the bridge between the subconscious and conscious. It is through the ego that we communicate and become conscious or ourselves. The ego is an important a part of the whole that is the Self, it is not us.

    Nothing like a brake up for providing the opportunity to discover and awaken to our true selves. If were brave and honest.

    I wish you well on the journey of discovery, be brave.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Peter.
    #366062
    jenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Regarding #2 and what you shared elsewhere about this man: if the behaviors you described on his part are not his emotional reactions to you abusing him or harassing him (ex. calling him names, threatening him, calling him non-stop, etc.), then regardless whether he could be diagnosed by a professional with Narcissitic Personality Disorder or not, he is a very rude and cruel person, not one I would want any woman to get involved with. A man who is this rude and cruel does not change to a gentle and kind man with new woman, not long term.
    The first thing i felt upon reading this and still do is self-doubt. That I think is at the bottom of all of it. Over the years, I’ve constantly fed to myself and he’d told me too that his behavior is my causing and while I have, tried to the best of my abilities, to see things for what they are instead of putting it all on myself but I still keep having doubts. I think that is also a major reason why I’m unable to let go. I see myself at fault in more places than i think i should.
    I have never called him any names, never threatened however I do admit that there have been times when I’ve called him more times in a row than I feel i should’ve. The reason that I know in my head is this, even though i keep doubting it: since it was a long distance relation, calls and skypes were literally all we had. Now things would be good for a while, specially after a reconciliation (as i said, he’s left multiple times and come back), we’d talk regularly (a couple texts here and there during the day like gm texts and generally one 20-30 minutes phone conversation mostly at the end of the day) but then suddenly he’ll be like I’m busy, people are over, I’m with my parents etc etc every single day for weeks. Amid all this, he’ll be going out with his friends but would be busy for me. I would understand for a while but would generally lose my calm when i would see that he’s going about his day all fine and having time for everything except me. He wouldn’t even have one proper conversation for me to even address this. It would be at these times that one day I would just lose my calm and call him repeatedly. When he would finally talk to me very reluctantly saying hurry up I’ve to go here go there, I would literally break down and then he’d start shouting calling me non-understanding and a cry-baby. I don’t know if this information is relevant but knowing that maybe not calling again and again would have been a more mature thing to do, I can’t sometimes help my self-doubt overshadowing my reason.

    Regarding the 3rd point as what part of it do i want to or feel i would carry with me, I don’t really know Anita. I think I already have little clarity from yesterday after reading your and Peter’s perspective and i think I’m feeling a little prepared to at least try letting go this obsessive want to hold on to anything related to him. But yes, I don’t want to have rose-tinted glasses and remember only the good parts while forgetting the hurt and cruelty, definitely not that.

    #366063
    jenny
    Participant

    Dear Peter,

    There’s so much gold in those thoughts. Thank you so much. I definitely attached my sense of self and identity to him and my feelings towards him, no doubt about that and you’re right that my true detachment would be discovering my true self independent of him as well as my ego and not repressing this experience. You’re right and that seems like one uphill task. But I’ll surely get on to that now that i have a little direction. Maybe in discovering my independent self, I’ll automatically let go the want of holding on to him. The day I actually reach there would be one nice day. Thanks so much.

    #366075
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jenny:

    Did you ever meet him in person, or was the whole relationship long distance (online and on the phone)?

    I understand you having self doubts regarding his accusations that you caused his behavior. People who are abusive use a very old and effective tactic: the abusive person behaves abusively (calling names, yelling, hitting, etc.) but blames the victim for his/ her abusive behavior. The victim is confused and doubts herself, and therefore she accepts  more and more of the abuse. The abuser gains power and stays in power by repeatedly blaming his victim.

    There are situations where the two parties in the relationship abuse each other regularly: sometimes one initiates the abuse and the other reacts; at other times the other person initiates the abuse.

    You shared that you never called him names or threatened him (“I have never called him any names, never threatened him”), but that you may have been wrong to him by calling him too many times (“I’ve called him more times in a row than I feel I should’ve”)-

    – calling him too often when it does not include you yelling at him, calling him names, threatening him (that is, calling him without being aggressive toward him),  is not abuse. And therefore when he reacted by calling you names, it is he who was abusive toward you, not the other way around.

    You shared that you doubt yourself, that you considered that maybe you said this wrong, or did that wrong-

    – If he never doubted himself, if he never expressed to you that he may have said or done something that was wrong- this is a strong indication that he is indeed dishonestly manipulative, and that he has used the abusive tactic of blaming you so to keep you self-doubting and confused.

    anita

    #366115
    jenny
    Participant

    We met Anita. We were a part of the same circle though there wasn’t much interaction. i had been told by common friends tho that he likes me. Then around 6 years ago, we just happened to start talking and it escalated pretty quickly, in 4 months he’d asked me out and 2 months after that he’d to move for his work (his shift had been finalized before we got together and we were sure that we’ll see through it).
    I just remember that before we began talking regularly, I used to think of him as very rude, based on his way of talking. His friends also always teased him that he’s very rude to people in general but can do anything for those he loves. I definitely chose to see the latter part of it.
    I don’t know Anita, I never really felt too loved by him, like there were moments of sheer ecstasy and times when his words and actions made me feel really loved but they were extremely far and few in between and almost non-existent once the honeymoon phases after every reconciliation ended. Most often than not, his words and actions just did not match, he’d be like you’re my everything, my no. 1 and then regularly cancel dates with me to have drinks with friends whom he would anyways regularly meet. I feel that he liked me and so initiated a conversation with me but then I ended up falling far more for him and he’s just loved me enough to want to keep me around but never enough to make me even one of his priorities, at least sometimes.

    Like very early on in the relation, when we had one of out first arguments on the phone, he just randomly switched off his phone and went off to sleep, and only switched it on next morning and said a sorry but continued switching off the phone after every argument. I just wish I’d taken a stand then. Later, When we were together, he would just walk away amid arguments or just shout at me and ask me to shut up. I told him that small arguments that can be sorted turn up into big ones because we don’t talk about them. He just leaves midway and when he comes back, he just says leave it I’m sorry and asks me not to start again, making me feel as if i’m dragging the issue and so I let it be until the same issue comes up again.  We fought about the same thing Anita, about him not having time for me and by the end of it i ended up feeling so inferior that even up till now I feel I’m the argumentative one. By the end of it, I felt like I couldn’t express my displeasure without him saying ‘again you go’, the moment i would say something that he didn’t like, he would just snap at me and ask me to shut up. I didn’t realize how inferior I’d begun feeling until when my mother came to stay with me for 6 months towards the end of the relation. She literally told me that all i see you do is cry and plead with him in an argument, you don’t even talk at an equal level or take a stand.
    I never really felt pampered by him Anita, like obviously I don’t want to be put on a pedestal or be treated like a princess but I never felt like he was my safe place or someone on whom i could let my vulnerability flow. It was like I have to always be prim and proper, always stay happy and keep smiling and say yes to all he says because if I’m low or felt bad about something, either he’ll leave me alone to deal with it or just snap at me. he didn’t even let me in during his issues. If he were dealing with professional or personal problem, I would check in on him and tell him that I’m here and try whatever I knew to comfort him but he’d just shut me out. I’d be like okay, he wants his alone time, Maybe that was his way of dealing with it but then i’d see he would still be talking to and going out with his friends and family but would shut me out, not even speak properly and ask me to just understand. If i would say you can tell me, we’re in this together, why are you shutting only me out, he would be like you don’t understand anything and I’d feel like such a failure.  Basically as long as my life is perfect, his is perfect, and there are no issues between us, everything was good but if any of these had problems, he would just shut me out and I would just feel so alone. And how long can everything be perfect, so mostly, I would feel like just someone that he likes talking to in his free and happy times and likes being physically close with. That’s it.  I didn’t feel like his partner. When i tried explaining all this to me, he just said that it is the other way round,  i don’t understand anything and I’m never there for him and when I’d tell him that I’m literally sitting here for you, waiting for you to ever need me for anything, he’d be like Really? and would mock me and then leave the room. Plus it was like he always saw the negative things about me in the smallest of things. If we’re eating in  a plate and i end up pouring more sauce than he’d like, he’ll just be what is this and get annoyed, once I’d planned something for his birthday and i was driving him to that place at 12 and got a little lost with the GPS and he began lecturing me that when you’re with me, everything should be planned, you should have done this properly or not done it at all and i felt so hurt anita that he can’t see that i’m doing something for his happiness but can only see the negative in even this, if we’re about to leave a restaurant and i want to use the washroom, he’d be like no lets go, we’ll reach my place in a few minutes because he doesn’t want to wait, when he’d ever tell me to book a cab and its happening a little slowly, he’ll get irritated, even if he’s lovingly asked me to button up his shirt and i’m doing it not as fast as he wants, he’ll get irritated and start doing it himself. It was like I was just never good enough and all i did wrong was all he saw.

    I don’t know Anita. One time I discussed it with a friend, he told me that not all of us are the same. He was like not all of us can be emotional support to others and not all of us have the same definition of a love relationship. He said that maybe my partner’s definition of a relationship is more casual and easy breezy while mine is about emotional bonding. That he wants a partner who he can have fun with but then lead his independent life without having to be there emotionally for her. Sometimes I question if i am too emotionally needy. I know I am a little, I know I am more emotional than the average and so maybe need more love in relations but then the fact is that I have not felt emotionally starved in any other relation of mine. I don’t feel emotionally starved by my parents, siblings or friends. I know they all love me immensely and i know that if i need them, they all will be there and they all have been and they all acknowledge how loved i also make them feel so then am i really emotionally clingy? One thing that I have figured as something that I have to work on is definitely my emotional attachment, why did i need that time from him, why was i so dependent on him that i needed him to talk to me, why could i not be like okay, he doesn’t want to talk, let me go and have my own fun, that is how i should have been right, I should have not been that attached to him, hurting myself and maybe also burdening him in the process.

    As for the last part about him never doubting him, yes i don’t think he ever genuinely did because his actions never changed or were never even a tad bit more considerate, they only worsened over time. In fact, and I haven’t shared this with anyone, in the last year of our relationship, he had begun verbally abusing me really bad. So if its an argument, apart from shouting, he’ll start hurling all kinds of abuses at me. the first time it happened, i was shocked Anita, i literally couldn’t say anything more, half of the abuses were so bad i hadn’t even heard of them nor have i heard anyone in my circle say those things and nor did i ever think in my wildest dreams also that he could say those because he always said how he hates people who use abuses. I thought maybe i angered him to that extent but then i was like what if he had angered me, would i ever abuse my partner like this even if i’m utterly angered, even if i consider that he got really enraged, does that justify abusing. we are young now with lesser issues, There will be more trying times in life when a person will be utterly frustrated but then does that justify abusing. what if he hits tomorrow in the name of anger? My parents also had few fights, a couple of them did become pretty nasty but not once did my father abuse my mother or vice versa in any way. Sorry i digressed. Coming back to your point, no i don’t think he ever truly doubted his actions, he would say sorry but frankly after a time they felt like words thrown at me to just shut me up than actual apologizing because he’ll be like ‘sorry sorry now lets leave this’ and never follow it up in actions. Plus, he would always be like ‘I know I’m bad but I’m like this only but you are the sensible one, you should know better’ as if its all my responsibility. He’d be like ‘you know its all in your hands, everything about the relation is in your hands’ and at that time for some weird reason i’d be like yes i can handle it but now I’m like this is total shirking of responsibility.

    I’ve never written all this out and now writing this I’m literally questioning why was i in this and can’t believe that a part of me still feels for this person. I definitely have to work on my self-esteem.
    That’s all it was Anita. Thank you so much for caring to ask, I know, I’ve written a lot of extra stuff but it feels so much lighter to have it all out

    #366126
    jenny
    Participant

    Just to add here, Anita, since I’ve already said so much, despite everything that was wrong, I believed he loved me and stayed because a) there were few good moments which made me hopeful that only if we sort things out, every moment can be like that, b) he said that he loved me a lot, the actions didn’t match sure but the fact that he said such nice stuff, and really nice things Anita, that i believed that they meant something and c) every time that he left, he came back in a month or two. Now I know that it could well be for selfish reasons or what is called as narcissistic hoovering but back then I thought it was his love for me that he couldn’t just leave me d) I really loved him and had very strong feelings.
    So yes, I guess that is all that I feel and think about it. Do let me know what do you think about it, would be very helpful.

    #366127
    Marie
    Participant

    This is so heartfelt and deep… I can sympathize. I love someone very much and I’m torn on what to do. So I know exactly how you feel.🙏

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