Hello Anita,

Hope you had a good weekend! Thank you once again for taking the time to reply back to me, understand my thinking through my writing and also thank you for sharing such personal details about yourself. I know it might not be so easy.

I do not find anything written here difficult to read or process at all. It rarely scares me to look deep into my mind and dive into my own or others’ psyche, as well past or conditioning.

I read the article you were referring to, it is very interesting, thanks for sharing. What you shared about the girl I tried to befriend is very true and I recognised the fact that she has a “victim” complex about 2 months ago. I also re-acknowledged it again about 2 weeks ago. Why did i continue my involvement with her? Well, firstly, I was arrogant enough to think I wouldn’t fall into her trap. Secondly, I thought I could handle her.

From all this affair, what I didn’t want to accept is that she manipulated me into feeling sorry for her, feeling guilty for what i said or did. Didn’t want to accept the fact that she used me to offload her mental and emotional issues. It made me feel very bad and disturbed that I was  spending time with my family who I haven’t seen for half a year during the holiday season and she was sending me  these difficult messages to read about herself. She didn’t seem to want to understand that it is not ok to load someone like this especially when they tell you they are spending some quality time with their family members.

Other thoughts that ran through my head in relation to this- “why did  I feel like she used me? Who is being a victim now ? Why am I sensitive to being used? Why did I have to feel used? ”

I thought about why I didn’t want to accept this fact. The fact that I felt used, and the answer is that it is my issue, not hers. I am certain she is doing what she did to me to most people, the fact that she is not deliberately manipulating people, doesn’t mean she is not causing harm, but does make it easier to feel compassionate towards her… And this is not me saying people are all good deep down, and believing into the goodness of everyone’s hearts- God NO. Most people most times are evil and selfish, including myself.

The fact is she did manipulate me knowingly or unknowingly doesn’t matter, but why did I have to feel used and manipulated? Why am I so sensitive to it? Why am I so impacted? This is whats interesting and once I fully understand why i will be able to close my involvement with people who have victim complexes. Obviously, as you might have guessed by now, she is not the only person who did this me. I was in a very difficult marriage with a true psychopath who manipulated and used me left, right center without feeling any compassion or regret whatsoever. Luckily, I was able to recover from all the mental harm he caused and forgave him.

On a different note, I am almost certain I have guilt complex myself. I am a kind of person who feels a lot of sorrow and guilt. And this may be one of the reasons why i easily fall into the trap of people with martyr complex. I thought about why would someone feel so much sorrow and guilt? And I think there is a connection between Anger, Sorrow and Guilt. Anger is often a reaction to something which we didn’t understand fully, or losing control over something. Sorrow and Guilt are almost inseparable for me. And it must be the way i am somehow programmed/conditioned. The way I learnt how to react to what happened in life.

So I thought “when was the first time I felt a lot of sorrow and guilt in my life?”- It was when my grandmother passed away and i was a 10yr old kid who didn’t understand what happened. She was living with us suffering greatly from diabetes, was blind and lost both her legs. I stayed alone with her at home during the day, she would ask me to make her tea or help her out, but I didn’t care to help. She was begging me sometimes to help and I was this cruel kid who often didn’t care to help. So this is the source of my sorrow and guilt. When my grandmother passed away, I locked myself up in a bathroom and cried a lot feeling a lot of sorrow and guilt. I think I never forgave myself for how I treated her. And I know I was just a kid, but I could never forgive myself. So it almost feels like this same feelings of sorrow and guilt for what I did followed me throughout my life in almost all of my relationships….

On the Mother topic-

I am sorry you were so scared of your mother. And that she was verbally and physically violent. It is insane how much our mothers shape us  to be in the ways that we are. Both my sister and I were scared of my mom too. She was harsh, but she doesn’t have a martyr complex. Her issues are different. She never made us feel like she sacrificed something for our sake, or was verbally violent at all.

In fact the opposite. She is a very successful woman career-wise and in all her other aspects of life and never told us we owe her anything. My parents gave too much to us and really overprotected and spoiled us in a way. Why do I know? Because I left when i was 17 and my sister remained with my parents.  She is a 30 years old mother now, and up to this day she doesn’t fully comprehend how much our parents have helped us in life financially and morally. I think it ruined us as well but in different ways, we are both too spoiled and don’t want to work too hard for things in life. Overprotection is really unhealthy . It is all about finding that right balance I think. Kids must feel protected, but never overprotected.

I think I understood where my unhealthy attachment issues are coming from though and it is related to my mother. I already mentioned she was strict with us too never verbally, she was physical only very few times-i wouldn’t call it abuse. but what she did and still does -she gives us “silent treatment” and withdrawal. Which is just as bad I think. She would get upset about something and stop talking to us. Thats been her way of punishment. And you are right, kids especially those who are very sensitive like me and my sister were, don’t process such behaviour well. I know it made me feel detached and i was looking for any way to feel “loved” again by my mother. So here comes the connection to feeling sorrow and guilt again. Also the connection to maybe why i can be clingy or easily feel deprived of love and attention… seek right attachment, but end up with unhealthy attachments.

My deep compassion for my mother wasn’t always there. Up to I was 26 years old, i didn’t have much compassion for her at all. It came much later when i was able to see why she was so strict with us, and yes sometimes she did us wrong with her strictness or withdrawal, but she also did much more goodness than harm.

Our parents/ childhood/certain events later on in life do shape us to be a certain way, but life is often about being able to understand how it all happened and forgive those who hurt us. And looking into why we got hurt, i think is often a good way to start. It is within us to heal. We can break away from our pasts, and we can only stop living in the prison of our childhood or adulthood or even in the prison of any event, only when we fully understand and process what happened. Until there is no full understanding, there can be no compassion or love.

I hope you were able to forgive your mother who hurt you.