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Nar

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  • #382547
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    So good to hear from you 🙂 I am well! How are you?? 

    I have been in London for the last 1 month, mainly packing up my stuff and saying my goodbyes to this city. I spent half of my life here and now onto the next chapter 🙂

    So interesting that you wrote right before my CBT started. You must have had some feeling for it. I had my first session with my therapist and she is a really nice woman. We are scheduled to start CBT from 20th of July. And at the moment I am on my way to a 10day meditation course.

    How is life going for you?

     

    Thanks for checking on me again 🙂

    #379891
    Nar
    Participant

    Other than than, I hope you are both doing well! And wishing you lots of positive emotions and happy times 🙂 Enjoy the summer!

    #379890
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear TeaK and Anita,

    I wanted to thank you both for writing to me and your very helpful and compassionate posts. I took a break from posting, as had a lot to “digest”.

    My anxiety issues haven’t stopped, but interestingly enough, intrusive images have stopped…i have no idea why. Unfortunately, free therapy I signed up for still didn’t start, I’m still on their waitlist. Hopefully soon! 🙂

    I have thought a lot about these issues we discussed, about my childhood, about any person’s childhood really and I realised this problem is extremely deep. It definitely doesn’t stop with our parents. Although we all acknowledge our parents were hurt in one way or another by their own parents and that’s why they were hurting us, I think we are still playing the blaming game. I realised this problem is so deep and goes so far back, that healing through loving an inner child and cutting out a parent that hurt that child is only a partial healing ….because our parents are not to blame, we are all to blame. We as humanity.

    Whole families, generations, societies, cultures, whole humanity is to blame that we keep re-creating this suffering. I suffered at the hands of my parents, but I understand why they thought what they did was a good thing to do. I know very few parents actually purposefully hurt their children, they say even serious drug addicts say they love their children.

    We need to cut out toxic people who want to harm us and end these relationships, but the way out of this darkness is somewhere else.  I don’t know where this journey takes me, but I’m exploring to see possibilities

    #379889
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I haven’t been posting much to this forum lately but I read most of your posts as I received them on my inbox. I understand the contrast you feel between the USSR kind of upbringing and striving to be someone in a capitalist world.

    I was born in the USSR too although grew up a little later, in “perestroyka” times, which were very difficult for everyone.  I know what you mean about the comparison as I moved to London at 17 and struggled a lot to deal with that culture.  Harshness is something very familiar to most people from the Soviet Union. And what I see in your posts is how extremely critical and harsh you are with yourself.  Almost as if there is a part of you which hates yourself and thinks deserves to be punished. I can be like that too. And I realise I am the result of the environment I grew up in. and harshness, criticism were very common traits shared among all of us. If you feel this way, have you ever thought it is just a certain pattern you acquired and which later became your habit or personality? It is just a pattern…and patterns can be broken!

    I don’t think there is any perfect political or social system and we as humanity keep re-organising ourselves thinking we are progressing or getting better. At the core of it, we are the same as we were 10.000 years ago. Be it in communism or capitalism or any other system. I see the same greed and same problems in both sides. Yes, there are some differences, but there are superficial. Communism didn’t work, neither does capitalism. No other political system will ever work if the aim is to end human misery. Psychologically we are exactly where we were before…  That’s the truth of it. When one actually sees this, it becomes pointless trying to fit with the system’s values. Or giving such importance to them.

    To live in this world and earn a living, we all need to have a speciality.  Your inquiry into how to earn a living and not sell your soul is something that troubled most of us, I am sure when we understand ourselves better, the answer will be there for each one of us. I wish you to have a quiet mind and some peace.

    #376903
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you for your reply. I read recently 90% of the world’s population were beaten as kids.  I don’t know why it is so difficult to accept that we were abused as children, why instead of facing to what happened, we just accept it as love and keep reliving or reenacting what happened in the past, making others (next generations, our partners) or our health pay the price. Most likely, both.

    I guess part of it is because we still want to cling to that love that all children really need to survive. We can’t let go of the illusion that we were not always loved or that we were not loved at all in extreme cases…

    The reason why I knew the way I was treated wasn’t respectful or “right” is because I know it deep down, my whole being, every cell in my body knows what was wrong. And I promised to myself i would never hit my own children no matter what they do.

    But mistreatments and abuse are way beyond and much more complicated than just physical harm caused to children. Silent treatments, emotional blackmail, power control, withdrawals, judgements, demands.. Why are children brought up this way? Why do we damage the most innocent beings in such cruel ways and they just turn a blind eye to everything and want to be loved by anyone…It is all very sad but also incredibly awakening for me as I am not a parent yet luckily and I absolutely understand the full moral responsibility of being one now. I know I must work out through my own traumas and issues, so I pass none of that onto my children. So I never live in the past. So I can respond to all challenges in life with my present needs and emotions, and not past reactions. so I don’t ever hurt another human being, because I have unresolved issues from my childhood/past/ early life conditioning and traumas.

    I genuinely want to break free from my past. The work on myself is constant and part of me wishes there was a way to end all the problems in one go.

    All emotions whether it is anger or forgiving a person (if it comes from a place of compassion and not self-illusion) have a place in our psyche and relationships. I guess the trick is to develop that emotional competence and foster it in our children.

    #376902
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Yes, thank you, I did quite well. I moved to Hungary now and learning Hungarian, very interesting and intuitive language. I enjoy it 🙂

    You were really right about drawing a comparison between the girl I met and myself. What you said that the reason why I was drawn to her was because through her much worse and extreme disturbances I felt comfortable to look into my own. See, she was beaten since she was a little kid until her teens, and I was for maybe 6-7 times when I was 13 or 14. It is definitely true the times my mother hit me, that was no loving and the fact that I was trying to brush it off as something insignificant only showed my own insecurities about accepting this fact that I wasn’t always loved. There can never be love, where there is abuse. It doesn’t matter how I tried to lie to myself and for whatever reasons to justify my parents behaviour.

    I cannot judge whether the girl I tried to befriend was loved by her mother or not, but only recently I understood what her biggest illusion is in life. I think she has many illusions and I was able to look into them because she shared so much about herself and her life with me  ( and i am saying it in the most non-judgemental way, only truly enlightened people have no illusions). Her biggest illusion is what she is absolutely unconscious of, the person who she really idealises and loves and imprinted her childhood self on- her father- didn’t always love her either. She knew as a kid her mother abused her so much, so she gave all her love to her father who she still deeply admires but this man watched her being beaten as a kid and did nothing about it. How can that be called being a loving father? …She is conscious of her hatred towards her mother and still can’t break away from her, but she is absolutely unconscious of her hatred towards her father…but I can’t just dispel this illusion for her. Firstly, because I guess i am not compassionate enough and don’t want to be involved with her any more. She has a very negative impact on me, secondly, i don’t think she would ever listen to what I have to say. So i haven’t talked to her since January and have no intention of ever talking to her…

    Thank you for sharing your experience with your mother and so kind of you to warn me about projecting it onto me.

    Unfortunately, I can’t relate as I think I was only held, kissed or touched kindly only as a toddler and then a kid. I don’t remember any physical affection being shown to me ever…so i don’t know when it stopped… I can see from my childhood pictures my mother definitely kissed and held me as a toddler. but it must have stopped after the age of 5 or 6 or maybe earlier as I cant remember any of it.

    I am sorry there was no other way other than cutting contact with your mother altogether. If this was necessary for you to heal , then it had to happen. I wonder if you talked to her about how you feel or did you try to make her see how much she hurt you? change your relationship ? did she ever apologise and act on making you feel good? Did she ever offer to change?

    I understand now there are 3 parents in my head or life. My childhood parents who are completely different to my current actual parents now, and also my internalised (illusionary) parents. My goal is to work through the past by relying on facts only, what happened in the past is a fact. And I need to be able to differentiate a fact from my illusions. Maybe then I can close the gap between my illusionary parents, actual childhood parents and my actual parents now. Also I need to see if my actual parents now are able to accept that they did hurt me and my sister and were not always supporting and loving and apologise for it, so both of us can heal.

    I have also been suffering with nightmares often and in my nightmares I often try to wake up and I shout. I call for my mother when I shout and try to wake up. I think there is definitely some infant fear left in me towards my parents but some of my dreams also suggest it was possible I was scared for my mother and wanted to protect her as well as was fearful of her. I am still quite confused about this and trying to work out my childhood fears.

    #376527
    Nar
    Participant

    Hi Felix,

    Good to hear from you and that you had breakthrough moments.

    I can see your current conflict is that you are seeking to change your current situation in life and wish for strength to be able to do that. From what I understand, you feel lonely romantically and you are not giving up.

    I can write to you all sorts of motivational and encouraging messages here but I think it is all rather silly and futile. Instead I’d like to ask:

    -You are saying your friends are happy travelling and having family lives You see yourself in a worse situation than some other people around you. I guess you are aware that you compare yourself a lot to others who are “happy, successful, healthy, etc.etc.” Why do you think you do this? Why do you think anyone would do this?

    -Have you looked into what emotional issues might have triggered cancer in you? Cancer is always related to strongly repressed emotions and it is a way our body is trying to wake us to the truth of it. It is a body’s extreme signal to wake one up…

    -About loneliness, it is absolutely natural and normal to feel lonely in a sense of lacking human contact and intimacy, especially in our times.Is the loneliness you feel is the desire for human contact or something more and deeper?…what is your loneliness made of? can you describe it in more details?

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Nar.
    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Nar.
    #376524
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I hope you have been ok? And thank you for your honest answers and insights regarding your current relationship with your mother.

    I understand the need why you had to put this physical distance between yourself and your mother, and I think if the relationship (with anyone) is so toxic that it makes you feel this bad, it is absolutely necessary to put this distance. Of-course it is much more difficult when it is with a parent.

    On anger, i think it is a very genuine emotion and there is so much to learn from anger. It is much better to feel angry than to “forgive and let go”. Its frustrating when people preach letting go as if it is something that can just happen so easily or forced. About forgiveness, i understood, there is no need to forgive if the person(be it a mother or a friend) is not worth it. It is thanks to Alice Miller I understood this whole concept of forgiveness is just usually a false pretense. She talks very strongly about how important it is not to “forgive” and the damaging effects these forgiveness can bring about in the body or mind.

    I personally think forgiveness or letting go is something that if it happens, it happens naturally. But no feeling or emotion should be forced upon oneself in the name of morality or culture. Anger, on the other hand, is a beautiful and genuine emotion. I learnt a lot from that thing that I call anger. It is not harmful or dangerous at all. and i don’t think we should stop it if we feel it.

    #376523
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thanks for checking on me.  I am good! I hope you are well too 🙂 Sorry for late reply, I had language exams to prepare for.

    Also, I have been looking into childhood traumas myself, I read Alice Miller’s “The body never lies” and was just trying to dig into my own childhood.

    I think I understand better now what you were telling me about “how I felt as a child” by my parent’s actions or inactions and obviously how some of these feelings are now suppressed/repressed or I choose to disassociate myself from them because it is painful to look into, also painful to let of my illusions. I was definitely deluding myself thinking that the fact that my mother hit me when I was a teen was something that I came to terms with. Deluding myself thinking that her authoritarian upbringing is something which didn’t harm me that much. I thought a lot about the source of my anger and rebellious nature. And why this is the reaction I have to most uncomfortable situations/relationships in life. I am sure it was because my parents forced me to be the way they wanted me to be. To behave well, study hard, be a good kid, make them proud,  be clean, etc.etc. I was a very shy, timid and confused kid. They  drilled obedience into me.

    Later, as a teen with hormonal changes in my body, I could no longer take these demands and expectations. I refused to eat. For one year, I stopped eating much. As a teen, I was convinced I wanted to lose weight to look better for boys, but now i know the reason why I stopped eating was because I could no longer take being forced to live up to my parents’ expectations and “culture”.  I was trapped and I had no way out.

    It is very interesting how these feeling “trapped” is something that followed me throughout my life. Whenever I find myself in difficult situations now, I feel trapped and dying to escape and run away. Just like I felt back then when i was a kid who just wanted to leave her family. So because I had nowhere to go and could no longer accept the fact that nobody understands me or wants to listen to me, all I could do was rebel. This is when my mother starting beating me. When she would try to force feed me food “for my own good” and I wouldn’t eat. She thought by attacking me with a broom and hitting me, I will stop rebelling. She never understood how much I suffered from the lack of understanding, genuine contact and just human respect and what she did was unacceptable or damaged me further. I felt very humiliated and damaged. All I wanted was to escape. And I remember a few times I even ran away from home….

    So what I am trying to say, you are right, things were not AT ALL rose-tinted, pretty and loving about my parents as I was presenting it to myself and to everyone else. I was a victim of my parents and their culture and mentality related expectations.

    When I did leave my family home at 17 and started living alone, suddenly I was all free, and this seemed like what i always wanted. but i still couldn’t be happy. I was very depressed and sad and I hated myself. I started having serious acne problems. I am pretty sure it was my body showing my self-hatred on my skin. These problems only stopped after I became more or less happy being in a new country and having a new life. but it took 6 years minimum to adapt.

    The lack of genuine communication and understanding is also something which I have been seeking my whole life. I am drawn to people who are misunderstood, mistreated and sad, be it artists, poets or just people I meet. I share their pain. And I no longer want to lie to myself that I had a happy childhood.

    My teenage years including my first sexual experiences were an absolute disaster as well. The reason being nobody ever talked to me to explain the actual changes my body is going through, nobody explained to me anything and it really frustrated me. I had to obey my “culture and mentality” and be a good girl. i wasn’t even allowed to be seen with any boy at 17, let alone date any. It was absolutely insane, but my parents expected me to be a virgin when i get married. How is this ok? I always knew it was not ok, but I never looked into all the pain and conflict it caused in my psyche and body. Even though, luckily after many years, probably 10 years or so, I was able to break away from this “mentality”, and asserted my own feeling about the subject to my parents,  I still have certain feelings of “shame and guilt” feelings that were drilled into me to everything relating to sex.

    I spent a long time adjusting myself in all of my relationships when I was misunderstood out of the fear of abandonment to the point where I no longer knew what it was that I actually wanted. Luckily this has changed. In my current relationship, I have a space to talk about my feelings and thoughts. Even though when I fell in love with the man I am with, I also liked the fact that my mother would approve of him, but I do not love him because of this reason now.

    It is also interesting about my OCD, intrusive imagine I had before was violent in nature, and it was usually always the same image. Whoever was sitting very close to me, this image would pop in my head that there was a knife in their throat and they were bleeding. it bothered me very much. But now this image changed. Now I see myself being attacked and feel the actual fear. Either someone pushing me, or strangling me or hitting or killing me.  This is strange, but I feel like these intrusive image change signifies some kind of improvement and means i am approaching my fears closer.

    I know these images are just symbols that mean something and I am no longer ashamed of them. I also know for a fact it is related to my childhood fears. Fear is something I am looking into now very deeply. It will probably be a long journey…I realised I have been running away from looking into my fears for a long time. Fear is like sorrow or pain. I am much more familiar with sorrow and pain than fear as I have actually been in life situations where there was no escape and I had to live with physical as well as mental pain. Then I saw it wasn’t as bad as I thought…and it changed me. But fear…i was never ready to face it. Now I am. And I think maybe when I get to the bottom of it, my OCDs might improve too. Unfortunately, at the moment i have to do all work by myself, as the therapy I signed up for is free of charge and i am still on their waitlist. If my therapist can’t help me, I am not too bothered. I know it is extremely difficult to find a reliable and open minded therapist these days who are not the victims to conventional morality and brainwashing themselves.

     

    #375539
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I know what you are talking about. All I can say I really don’t trust my memories. I am not sure they are a reliable source to go by. I can’t even remember when it all started…I know only few things for a fact and it is that when i was a kid, i actually did feel very protected by my mother. My dad was working very hard and had little role in our upbringing, so both my sister and I were so attached to our mother, often beyond reason and to the point that she would go to toilet and we would both cry that she left us. And she was actually very responsive to our cries and falls and showered us with attention. i never felt helpless as a kid.

    So I have absolutely no memory of when “silent treatments” started. I only noticed it as an adult. I also know I have serious anxiety over separation, withdrawal, being ignored or given silent treatments. I see your point here that it must be connected to my childhood. But what if i cant remember when exactly it started? My memory is very hazy, as I mentioned i only noticed it as an adult.

    I also remember when I was a kid i was concerned with washing my hands and i was kind of a kid who’d ask the same question many many times. Like i remember we’d drive somewhere and I’d ask my dad every 5 mins if we have already arrived. Or if i wanted him to buy me chocolate, i’d remind him about it soo soo many times. not that i didn’t get that chocolate, but i had a need to remind all the time. I regarded these as early signs of OCD. I am not sure if i’m right or this was me just being a child.

    I just know i am extremely sensitive to being ignored. i’ll give you an example. I was with my partner in a park and i saw a mother of 3 boys, who left her 3 year old kid on the street shouting and crying calling “mom”, “mom”, she just ignored him and walked on. I can’t explain how this hurt me. i told my partner how crazy it is whats she’s doing, my partner said, well “you don’t know what that kid might have done” to suggest that i shouldn’t judge without seeing the full picture and maybe this is her punishment method. But my heart was just bleeding and i couldn’t look at it. And note my partner is the kindest person I’ve met in my life, so I was shocked he could say such a thing. I knew immediately what this woman is doing to a 3 year old no matter how naughty he had been is unacceptable and heartbreaking to watch to say the least.

    Then another example, there must be a reason why I get anxious when for example i am chatting with friends and they suddenly stop writing and forget to respond or get busy or etc. This makes me very anxious and fuels obsessive thinking sometimes. What is worse in the past, i was actually drawn to guys who used to ignore me and not be interested in me. The fact that they were less responsive made me vulnerable and eager to get their attention…THANK GOD my partner is not that kind of person. But this was pure luck that he turned out to be a decent person who’d never hurt me or ignore me in any way. But all men I was interested in previously emotionally somehow ignored me…

    What i am trying to say i am going to take some time to look into these issues and hopefully bring the puzzle pieces together, and if i have any new understandings or any memories I can rely on, i will share it here.

    Thank you so much for all your help, Anita! Have a lovely weekend! 🙂

     

    #375538
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

    To be honest, sometimes I blame myself and obsess over it, other times, I just plainly obsess about the pleasant conversation i had with a friend etc. I think obsessive thinking is my reactions with regard to processing pleasure and pain/discomfort. If its something simple, i don’t obsess about it, the only connection i see is that i am chasing something with these thoughts. I am still at the early stages of getting comfortable with my own mind and not sure where it will take me, but I am ready 🙂

    I am so happy to hear that you are healed from your biggest traumas and developed self-esteem and  self-worth. Do you have any residue of anger left towards your mother? Would you say you have forgiven her completely?

     

    #375537
    Nar
    Participant

    Hi Boris,

    Many things caught my attention in your posts,  loving vs loving the image and “perceiving things as they are”.

    I, too, have thought a lot about these two topics and can tell from my experiences and observations I think unfortunately it is very rare to love “not the image”. I am not even sure if it is possible as long as we are our conditioned selves. You see, the longer we know the person, the stronger the image built about that person. You must have heard about “beginner’s mind” term. I don’t want to call it a term, it is an actuality. Basically being able to see something as if for the first time.  And how can we do it with someone who we have known our whole lives or 2 years? So we just continue living with images we built about that person. And we add and subtract from those images, thinking something changes… and here is a marriage of many decades where two people claim they “know” each other, in reality do they know each other? can you ever know someone? Did you ever look at that person leaving behind all the past memories of pleasure and pain? did you see beyond the image? And that person you think you know had an image about you too. So two people say they are in a relationship, but in reality its their images which are in a relationship. This is the main source of conflict in all relationships. Relationship is a movement, image is static, and what’s static contradicts and causes conflict with whats in a movement.

    I was able to understand and see these points with the help of J Krishnamurti. He explains this point very well and i am trying to apply it to my daily life.

    And back to love. What is love? Love in relation to people is when they can be on the same intensity at the same time with full understanding. it is a movement as well. It is a state. It’s an energy. Its not towards a person or an object. It’s not a product of our minds. It is not a fantasy. love is not that romantic ideas that go on in our heads either.  An idea is born out of memory, to put it simply, you think that you love, you don’t actually love…

    Perceiving things as they are is the ultimate art of life. Not only perceiving physical objects as they are, such as looking at a tree or a bird without trying to identify what it is, what colour it has and etc. etc. but also perceiving ourselves, our psyche, our thoughts and feelings as they are, which is ofcourse much more difficult… I really like Haiku poems and I usually go for a walk and write 1 or 2 a day. i find it really helps me calm my mind and bring me back to reality.

    #375451
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I was referring to psychological harm ofcourse, not physical. I know for a fact many times I am consciously not aware at the point when I use hurtful language towards my partner or my family. Maybe subconsciously i am aware, but i don’t see it at the point of doing it…

    To be fair i don’t remember any of the personal problems of the girl i was, other than liking a certain food or not liking. I am not sure relying on my memories of what happened would be accurate in my case….

    On a different note, I had a couple of insights into my OCD issues and would love to hear your thoughts on it.

    -You wrote in another post about separation anxiety (Tony’s post) and it caught my attention because I can really relate to Tony’s fears as my deepest psychological fear is losing people I love too. I have actually gone very deeply into the nature of death and I think i understand death a bit more intimately now. I certainly experienced separation anxiety as well multiple times in my life. Firstly, it was when I left my home at 17 and moved to a foreign country. I was still a kid living unfiltered raw emotions and only much later in my life i got to understand i was actually quite depressed and sad. also very anxious. this makes sense why my OCD started or became apparent after 20. I think i had it as a kid but the separation anxiety just exacerbated it.

    I also had a sudden realisation to my recent obsessive thinking patterns (about the girl at the retreat and then the other new friend), I think i was obsessively thinking about these problems to avoid dealing with the actual problem that is bothering me very very deeply at the moment-with my partner in my current relationship…so my question is-what is your experience-Could it be that obsessive thinking is actually an escape? Escape from dealing with the painful situation or the actual problem? So the mind finds other things to keep itself busy…

     

    #375389
    Nar
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Firstly, I am sorry your relationship with your mother is so difficult. It sounds like it was so toxic that you had no other option but keep this distance. It is truly sad when a parent does this to their own kid, and then “loses hope” or “gives up”. It is a control issue, in my view. When someone, anyone, be it a parent or a partner wants you to change, it is a way to control. If one is truly concerned about another person, they dont ask them to change to please them, but talk about their concerns and observations in a logical and reasonable way.

    I really don’t know what my anxiety and OCD is tied to… I know when I see my childhood pictures, I look sad and serious on all of them. I know my country and my family went through very difficult times when I was growing up and for sure it impacted me as well.

    Its so interesting you talk about the collective trauma “because the children are brought up in unhealthy ways. This results in collective anger and hate, which then can cause war…” This is exactly what happened last year in my country. and 1000s of more people died because of hate and anger. Then the government called them “heroes” and talked about how nobel their deaths were…I know my nieces’s generation will be affected in a whole new and more complex ways that mine was. It is just unfolding in front of my eyes how shes being impacted collectively and within family, so it makes me understand my childhood wasn’t easy or pleasant times either. My anxiety became much more apparent after 17, I think I moved to a foreign country too early and the change was too much for me to handle. The extreme cultural differences, weather, strong individualism i couldn’t cope with. I started having all sorts of problems that i didn’t understand or process because I was still a kid.

    About feeling worthy, I guess I wasn’t comfortable using that word because it implies a bit of arrogance for me. “I am enough”sounds better to me 🙂

    I asked this question to Anita, I’d like to ask you too. Would you say you are healed from your traumas? And what helped you?

    #375388
    Nar
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thanks for your insights. About the Anger preceding aggression-of-course I know this. I am very familiar how violence happens as I know I am not delusional about my own violence inside me too and I know how many subtle forms it takes.

    The only thing I am not sure about, and I say this from my observations of myself- at that very moment, when one is truly angry and then becomes violent, one is not usually aware of what is happening. I know this, because I have been fighting for a long time with my own anger. And I wish I knew I was causing damage when it is actually happening, and not afterwards when my brain processes or analyses what happened… Unfortunately, most people cause harm without being fully aware of it at the point they do it. It is true, they become aware later and acknowledge what happened…but why does this not stop one from repeating that pattern? I guess this is the art of life to master.

    About childhood traumas, I know ofcourse as a child, what we experience in life is unfiltered, “raw” as you called it. Then the analytical mind slowly develops, and if there is a residue of a certain experience with its pain or pleasure,it becomes a lifelong reaction to what happens everyday.

    So we don’t ever fully live the life as it is, but just react from those unprocessed, misunderstood experiences which are now our memories, which is now “me”.  We carry this residue with us our whole lives adding and extracting from it, thinking it is a change. My analytical mind understands this process, but analytical understanding is not enough.

    I agree it is important to understand what happened in order to heal. You mentioned “there is a way to retrieve those emotions- I have and it’s been a result of an intentional and long healing process”. Could you elaborate a little bit on this please? Do you think everyone can retrieve these emotions?

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