Dear miyoid:

Regarding your boyfriend- seems to me that he is a decent,  good person but very troubled. I think that he got more troubled after he moved in with you than he was before moving in with you. He has been repeatedly feeling guilty for hurting/ upsetting you, and that guilt has been harming his mental health for about a year.

Regarding the ultimatum of him losing you if he doesn’t get therapy- I don’t think that he is in any danger of losing you because of your severe separation anxiety: no  matter what he does or does not do,  you will choose to be with him.

Your severe separation anxiety has been hurting not only you, but it has been hurting him too: it’s been keeping him a prisoner of guilt, wanting to move out but afraid you will be too upset living without him.

“this upsets me, because he’s willing to do all these kinds of stuff, including having some financial problems as well to give me a break”- he wants to give you a break from being hurt and upset, and he wants to give himself a  break from feeling guilty for upsetting you. He prefers to pay more money to live elsewhere and/ or to be “uncomfortable at some sofa he doesn’t like”- because guilt is very painful and  freedom from guilt is a breath of fresh air!

Regarding your mother- you spent a lot of time in front of the computer when your mother worked long hours because the computer was a distraction for you, a way to not feel so terribly lonely and anxious. You feel guilty for your mother going out and bringing you a pastry while you were at the computer, “I had my own legs”, you wrote- yes, you had legs, but you also had severe anxiety that required the distraction that the computer provided.

“I was actually feeling guilty towards all the things she had to go through alone”- you were very much alone yourself, terribly alone. Have empathy for yourself for having been alone and anxious for so long.

“I had my own selfish moments as well”- as a child, you would have done anything and everything for your mother, but she (and other adults) severely neglected/ abandoned you, so you did your best to not care, to emotionally withdraw from your mother- so to not feel even more hurt every time she left you alone.

She bought you things, pastry, food, a computer, furniture.. she was financially generous to you, but she didn’t give you what you desperately needed way more than any material item and all material items put together- her time, her loving attention, the feeling of safety being with her.

anita