Dear Michelle:

It’s a pleasure reading your recent post here and your reply on another member’s thread: I wasn’t feeling great this morning and I just realized that after reading your update I am feeling pretty good, so thank you!

I re-read your 2020 Jan 6 and Jan 27 posts. Jan 6, before the breakup, you wrote: “We are exclusive.. with some probing, he has said he is on board with a relationship with me, and is not interested in dating anyone else.. but he is not vocal about declaring exactly what he wants, nor about how he feels. He is most demonstrative in action and consistency… I quite surely have an anxious attachment style”.

On Jan 27, you wrote: “My boyfriend of 5 months and I just broke up yesterday.. He came over to my apartment.. somehow got on the topic of marriage and how he doesn’t see it for himself.  He thinks his parents have an unhappy marriage..”

The breakup was on Jan 26 2020, and it seems like it took Jan 26 2020 – Feb 15 2021 for the two of you to get back to where you were on Jan 25 2020. The reason I bring this up is that I am concerned in regard to what you referred to as your anxious attachment style. I know that you learned a lot this year, and it shows in your writing, but I never underestimate anxiety.

Even though you learned a lot and succeeded- if you are not mindful of your attachment anxiety every day, the anxiety can take over one day- when you are very tired or are especially upset- and undo your success. It may be that let’s say you and him move in together and because you live together, the anxiety rears its ugly head, motivating him to probe him, to question him, to.. demand that he will be different from who he is.

He is probably the same person he was on Feb 6 2020: “not vocal about declaring exactly what he wants, nor about how he feels”- let him be this way, be very easy on the probing (“with some probing”), and repeat to yourself that for as long as he is “demonstrative in action and consistency”- that’s good enough for you!

Keep posting here for as long as it helps. When you feel the anxiety intensifying, post here instead of seeking reassurance from him. Again, glad to read your posts today!

anita