Matt,

Thank you for your reply. It sincerely touched my heart. Your words couldn’t be more true.

I still find it hard to understand how one person can feel such a strong connection with someone and they feel nothing. Seems so cruel. For whatever ever reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I’m working on coming to grips with it. I guess maybe I do have a “romantic spirit” . I’ve never thought of myself in that way. I do “find joy in deeply connecting with” others.

You’re right that building a wall is not the answer and that I already had a wall. I shielded myself from feelings and connecting with others for several years. Right now all I can think of is never feeling this way again, not being vulnerable. Maybe at least until I can be smarter, make wiser choices, and treat myself better. I’m getting there. Some things I have learned in this whole process over the past year and half, is I have to forgive myself for allowing me to stay in a toxic situation with my ex for so long. I’m coming to realize that he didn’t do those things because I deserved it. He did those things because of who he is. Work in progress.

Definitely, I’m stuck in what we could’ve been. My dream world crashed violently and without care against reality… right on top of me. He has so many qualities that I admire and am attracted to. He’s very different from my ex. He also lacks some that I need in a companion, like sensitivity, compassion, and empathy. This is where the fantasy world sets in of what we could’ve been had he took down his wall and he let me in. Would these qualities had surfaced. The thoughts of what could’ve been, of how it will never be torture me. I think facing this reality is one of the hardest and painful parts of this process. This is why I stayed in a situation longer than I should have, trying to fool myself… I didn’t want to face this pain. Kept putting it off. I became a chameleon.

I’m ready to start healing, I’m ready to start living and not just existing. I’m wanting to get to a place where I’m loving me and welcoming love without reservation.