- This topic has 20 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.
June 27, 2013 at 6:04 pm #37531AnonymousInactive
I’ve been in a fwb situation for a little over a year and a half. It ended a week ago by him, because of me, ‘for my sake’.
Background: I met my ex when I was 14. I was married to my first love/lover at the age of 18. Through the years he was abusive verbally and physically. Quick tempered and condescending. Very controlling and a cheater. Never had time for me, but plenty of time for “hanging with the boys”. He’s threatened my life, the life of our daughter, the lives of my parents, and murder-suicide. I left for good 18 years into the marriage. Never regretted leaving, never looked back. By the time I left I hadn’t any love left. I focused on raising our now 19 yr old daughter (she’s my positive out of that negative) Unfortunately, she does not have a relationship with her dad. His doing. I remained abstinent and didn’t date for 7 years.
Five years into the 7 years I met my friend at work. He was hired into the same department. He caught my interest immediately. We quickly became friends. I’m an introvert, he’s an extrovert. From day one I felt comfortable around him. I think he could see my walls and hardness as a facade. We remained only friends for about two years. Then he asked me out. I was flattered. . He said he was feeling me and felt I was feeling him. I was. I was already “crushing” on him like a school girl at the age of 43, but had kept it to myself so I thought. From there things moved quickly, I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel again. He soon became my 2nd lover. I fell like a rock.
Early on I told him I feel things deeply, I don’t like to share, and this has to be more than just sex. I don’t have sex, I make love.
Early on he told me was he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He didn’t have the time available to give what a relationship deserves.(dedicated father to his children from a divorce, school, work, etc). He’s very focused on achieving his goals. He sees other women. I convinced myself that I could handle it. I couldn’t. Out of all things this was the hardest for me. It’s the foundation for all my concerns. The thought of him being with others haunts me, eats away at me. I try to shake it off. It always comes back, plaguing my thoughts. I love him, so I lied to myself so I could be with him.
He’d see me getting attached and wanting more, he’d remind me of his position.
My feelings would get overwhelming, I’d approach him, we’d talk, again he’d re-emphasize he position, I’d cry, then insist I understood and I could handle it…for the sake of keeping him (even though he wasn’t mine to have).
He knows I detest being lied to (one of my many scars from my marriage). One thing I could count on, he’s honest, sometimes brutally honest.
My heart is crushed, it hurts so bad. My pain is self inflicted. I did this. I’m not hook up material. I’m about realness and I desire substance. Deep down I’ve known this all along.
I was ok being alone before him. I was blissful in my ignorance. Damn him for making me feel and damn me for opening my heart and allowing it!
I don’t NEED to be loved, I want to be loved. I don’t have to have companionship, I want it. I don’t need validation, I desire it. I want his love and companionship. I love loving him. I will continue to have love for him. He was my friend first.
I’m sure I’ve ruined any chance of a real relationship with him and having his love in the future when he is in a position to do so. I’d wait if I knew there was a chance. I’m good at waiting.
I feel so bad for my selfishness. I’m so sorry for dragging him and myself through this. I’m sorry for letting my guard down. I’m sorry for being vulnerable.
Now I have to see him at work and be reminded daily of what I love and can’t have. I have to put on a front at work and be professional while feeling broken inside. I’m not doing a good job at hiding my pain.
I want to keep his friendship. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I have to find a way. I’ve always been a strong woman, why have I been so weak? I keep asking myself, “What’s is wrong with me? Why did I do this?” I’m a fool. It was a joke that I played on myself and I was the punchline. Look at what I’ve done to myself.
I think I’m going to reclose my heart. Close for repairs and rebuild that wall. I never want to feel this pain again.
My life has been full of bad choices. Bad choices reap bad consequences. Maybe I deserve this pain. I knew better.June 27, 2013 at 6:25 pm #37532JadeParticipant
Lara, my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you some magical piece of advice that will make the pain go away but the truth is there isn’t, not when it comes to loving and losing. I’ve been there.
Years ago, I fell in love with my best friend after a year of us being inseparable. When I finally worked up the courage to tell him, he told me kindly but plainly that he was flattered but did not feel the same way. I was shattered, I had been convinced our friendship full of trust and laughter and shared values would translate to something more. What was worse, he was one of my housemates, so I had to see him every day, it was horrible to be in that “look but don’t touch” position. What got me through those tough times was a quote:
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it does not, be content it grew in yours.
Every cloud has its silver lining. Even our failures and stumbles and catastrophes bring us closer to understanding ourselves and what we want from life. I now look back on that love with fondness even though it wasn’t meant to be. Loving him brought me closer to who I really am and I wouldn’t trade the hours of heartache and crying for knowing what I know now.June 27, 2013 at 9:18 pm #37534AnonymousInactive
Thank you Jade for your kind words and sharing your experience. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Love can be cruel. How can you love someone so much and feel such a strong connection and feel nothing at all. I really like the quote. I printed it of so I can read it over as I need.
I know time don’t stop and wait for pain. Pain does fade away in time. I just wish time would pass quickly. He goes around work like he doesn’t have a care. He doesn’t understand why I’m hurting. He asked me today why I’m sad. Seriously? He’s not even concerned for me and we’re supposed to be friends. I think I want to feel that I meant more than a hook up more than some nobody, but it’s time for me to give up that fight. I can’t make him care for me. I have to try to start
caring for me. I’m tired of being a victim. I’m tired of crying. This wound is deep, but I’m ready to start healing. I’m just not sure how to start.June 28, 2013 at 6:18 am #37549
You ask such a great question! How can we love those who do not seem to return our love, and instead, they seem to ignore that we are weeping inside. A fwb relationship is even more painful for a romantic spirit, because we find joy in deeply connecting with one another.
So, your pertinent question of “how do I heal this wound” remains. From my own path of healing, I have found a few ideas that I hope connect with your situation.
First, it doesn’t seem like building a wall will work… rather, the wall is there already and the pain you’re feeling is the chunks of wall melting. Said differently, as you take each step, each breath, you are figuring out what you’re looking for in a relationship. You realized you don’t want an abusive relationship and left. Then, as you began to ache for something more, you connected to your friend in such a way that it provided some relief from your feeling of isolation. However, the man who has your attentions in this moment doesn’t seem to share the same attention on you, and it remains painful.
But where is that pain really coming from? For me, the pain has always seemed to arise from the difference between who he is and who I dream him to be. I’ll explain.
When we love, and especially when we love loving, we can create a fantasy about how good things would be if only. If only he said this, if only he did that… then our connection would be what we want. If he committed to us, we could live out the romantic dream we know in our heart we are capable of sharing.
Then, as the truth of where they are becomes more clear (with time and more connecting) the reality crashes up against the dream and we feel a lot of sorrow, like we are missing out. We begin to imagine ways of changing ourselves, the situation, or him, so that the dream and reality will match. Our yearning heart crashes against the truth of what’s around us, and we suffer from the loss of the dream. Does that sound right?
The solution is actually quite simple, but it is difficult. We have to let go of the dream. In our mind, he is a good fit, if only he were like the image we have in our mind! He walks by us at work, and what do we see? Do we see him or the dream? We feel hurt by his lack of understanding, but how could he understand us when we’re split between reality and dreaming?
Instead, we can grow unconditional love for ourselves and others. As we are looking at people and events, we ask: are we seeing what’s there? Are we really looking at who is there? Do we accept them for who they are and where they are? What is in us that wishes to control them? What is preventing our peace of mind? Then we breathe deep, on the inbreath thinking “I see what is here in me and there in them” and on the outbreath “I wish to let my love flow into the truth of what is here.” After we do that for a few dozen breaths, our pain turns back into love and we release the dream, allowing our heart to accept and open to the reality around us. As we do this, we actually attract the healing we need and become available to partners that do fit the rhythms of our heart.
Pia Mellody wrote a book Facing Codependence which might help also. Often when we have remained in unhealthy relationships, our low self esteem can land us in cycles of control, unequal sharing, and fantasies.
MattJune 30, 2013 at 9:34 am #37650AnonymousInactive
Thank you for your reply. It sincerely touched my heart. Your words couldn’t be more true.
I still find it hard to understand how one person can feel such a strong connection with someone and they feel nothing. Seems so cruel. For whatever ever reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I’m working on coming to grips with it. I guess maybe I do have a “romantic spirit” . I’ve never thought of myself in that way. I do “find joy in deeply connecting with” others.
You’re right that building a wall is not the answer and that I already had a wall. I shielded myself from feelings and connecting with others for several years. Right now all I can think of is never feeling this way again, not being vulnerable. Maybe at least until I can be smarter, make wiser choices, and treat myself better. I’m getting there. Some things I have learned in this whole process over the past year and half, is I have to forgive myself for allowing me to stay in a toxic situation with my ex for so long. I’m coming to realize that he didn’t do those things because I deserved it. He did those things because of who he is. Work in progress.
Definitely, I’m stuck in what we could’ve been. My dream world crashed violently and without care against reality… right on top of me. He has so many qualities that I admire and am attracted to. He’s very different from my ex. He also lacks some that I need in a companion, like sensitivity, compassion, and empathy. This is where the fantasy world sets in of what we could’ve been had he took down his wall and he let me in. Would these qualities had surfaced. The thoughts of what could’ve been, of how it will never be torture me. I think facing this reality is one of the hardest and painful parts of this process. This is why I stayed in a situation longer than I should have, trying to fool myself… I didn’t want to face this pain. Kept putting it off. I became a chameleon.
I’m ready to start healing, I’m ready to start living and not just existing. I’m wanting to get to a place where I’m loving me and welcoming love without reservation.June 30, 2013 at 7:17 pm #37659JerryParticipant
Lara, Matt, Jade,
Thank you for sharing this. I validate Matt’s approach. Breaking up was her idea and I had pushed all of my chips in, kind of like you did Lara. Even thought that the fwb might work, But no. It hurt a lot. Breathing through it, conscious suffering, staying with the hurt, going through it with awareness changed me.
I see her now, still want to be with her, still feel the warmth in my chest for her, but know that it will never be. This way of dealing with the hurt is new for me. Breathing through it was how I surrendered the hurt and the healing is the Divinity at work in my life.
So yeah it is possible. Instead of walls my heart is open and I know that another wiill come along at some point. I like being a hopeless romantic and the hurt from a broken heart is real, but it is worth the risk. So you are not alone. And facing the pain as you say is the way to start loving yourself and welcoming love without reservation. Well said.
So thanks for your willingness to lay this out here, your willingness to be vulnerable. Peace to you.
JerryJuly 1, 2013 at 7:33 am #37683
It is a sad but necessary lesson to learn. Jack Johnson sings a song Sitting Waiting Wishing, and in it says “I aint the Lord, no I’m just a fool, learning loving somebody don’t make them love you.” People have walls until they have the courage to drop them. There is nothing we can do to break those walls for them, we have to wait for them to step up.
The good news is you can turn that romantic spirit inward and dream a dream for yourself. Forgiving yourself, keeping your heart open, finding peace… those desires inside are genuine and can guide you into a relationship that becomes the love of your life… with yourself! From developing self love, we are content alone. Then a lover or husband is icing on the cake, rather than filling the hole.
In regards to the wall, don’t be afraid of it! We can think of it as armor, where years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse helped us become resilient and strong. Yet, you have the courage to set down the armor and bear your heart and flesh when you know you’re safe. You’re not “damaged and broken”, rather “strong and courageous”.
The question to ask ourselves is “how long do I keep doing things that I see only hurt myself”… we think it is our destiny to have to push through something thick and terrible in order to be happy. However, happiness is only a few breaths away… whether it is 10,000 breaths or 10 depends on how stubbornly we are set in the old way.
Consider that you might be afraid to trust your heart, because look where it landed you in the past! But your heart is learning to stop loving the dream of the other and looking clearer at what is there. Your heart knows, and wouldn’t lead you back into an abusive situation. Your mind might, saying “this is better than being alone” or “maybe they will change” but then your heart is too busy loving the dream to advise you to move on. We dream, we crash, we learn and hopefully move on wiser and more in tune with our inner beauty.
In Buddhism it is said that a breakdown plus awareness is breakthrough. Said differently, when we decide we will look at our side of things and how we are creating or maintaining the conditions for our painful experiences, we blossom. Remember, the wall is only armor, and it is a fine thing to put it on when we are in a difficult environment. We just don’t keep it on when there is no need, because the armor feels icky and isolating compared to the genuine connection we share with other open people (such as trusted friends, spiritual community and so forth)
MattJuly 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm #37709AnonymousInactive
Thiis is something I wrote over the weekend. I am no writer by any means. I just put some thoughts down and it turned into this…
I guarded my heart
We’ve been through so much
She’s was my precious cargo
I surrounded her with a strong wall, protecting her against intruders.
Then one glorious, now dreadful day, I looked into his eyes
My heart fluttered
My friend found a weak spot and the wall began to crumble.
I felt his persuasive lips on mine.
More falls, faster, relentlessly, almost willingly.
The remainder of my once impermeable wall, melts under his skin.
My heart was now defenseless, vulnerable to the elements
Fantasy became my reality
Self mutilation, my story
Denial, my truth
He warns, his heart is not up for offer, but let’s see where this goes
Hope takes hold
We can be “friends”
I don’t mind, my actions say
My heart debates otherwise
She knows me best
Boundaries are broken
There are others
They don’t care
Everyone is doing it
What is exclusivity?
Realness, what’s that?
Relationships are now taboo
I can be cool too
My love has taken root
My heart is worried, she expresses her concern
“Why won’t you stop this before it’s too late?”
“You’ll be alright,” I say
“We’re so strong”
I close my eyes in ecstasy, basking in my dream
I take my precious heart in both hands and hand her over
Take care she’s fragile
Won’t you please accept my heart
She’ll gives freely without expecting anything in return
She gives until there’s no more left and then she’ll give some more
She tremors in fear, but goes reluctantly
Did she have a choice?
I’m scared too
He tosses her around in a game of keep away
I play along
I cry out in silence as she begins crack
I don’t like this, please don’t stop
She is still recognizable
The thoughts of him with others begin to haunt my dreams
The nightmares begin to infest my every thoughts
I can handle it, I lie to us all
She begs me to stop, but I don’t listen
“Why would you allow this?”
She pleads with me.
Her cries sound like a love song
I’m now sobbing while smiling
I’m getting scared
I close my eyes tighter and dive in deeper
The nightmares get louder
“I got this,” I say softly under my breath
The lies I tell flow like bitter honey
I lay my head on his chest
He strokes my back
I can hear his heart
So strong, so intact
His love envelopes me
No wait, that’s mine
I can feel my heart breaking under the pressure
“He wouldn’t hurt you,” I assure her,
“But you will,” she weeps
I see the good in him
The nightmares persists
I hold him tighter, look at me
Can’t you see me?
His wall is too tall
It prevents him from seeing
It’s solid, I can’t break through
Can’t you feel me?
His barriers keep me from reaching
My fears devour me
Nightmares now manifesting daily while I’m wide awake
In them I see another walk by
Skin of silk
Freer than I
Her smile catches his attention
He winks at her, “I see you, Ms So-and-So”
“Do you remember my name?”
“I don’t have time” is his reply,
“I never lied to you”
“You had a choice”
“I know” I whisper
He places my heart on the ledge without looking
She teeters and reaches out for me
“Don’t be scared! Toughen up!” I yell at her,
Annoyed with her whining
“You’re going to chase him away for good!”
There’s no one there to catch her, not even I
He does not take notice
He does not skip a beat
She cries out as she falls
She has nothing to grab onto
I move in slow motion
All I can do is watch
She shatters with the force of impact
He steps on her broken pieces
“No more, save yourself”, he says
I can’t breath
It hurts with every breath
I feel life escaping us
I reach her
No longer recognizing her
“I’m okay! I’m just fine!” She gasps, angry I neglected her
Hurt I abandoned her
I pick up her mangled pieces
She wrenches in pain
She detests me
I detest me
He cares, right? Tell me you care
I can’t hide it anymore
The agony shows on my face
I don’t understand
I hold her
I cradle her
I beg him to help me save her
“What’s the matter?” He asks
Don’t you know?
No remorse from him
“I haven’t changed,” He then laughs, “You knew better”
I sit alone on the ground in a puddle with her in my arms
Where did he go?
We cry together like a child in need of love
My eyes are swollen
Should’ves, would’ves, and could’ves show up
False memories prevail
How dare he not love me back!
Why, am I not worthy?
I deserved this
I shake my head to clear my thoughts
Hindsight sets in
My tears become glue as I begin to mend her
My hands shake as I handle the sharp fragmented pieces
They cut my hands as I put them in place
Streams of blood flow down my wrist
“You did this!” She whales
Yes I agree
I repeat to myself over and over, Never again
Hours, days, weeks, months pass
The pain is so deep
I’m so tired
Bits of her perished in the fall, some in the aftermath.
There are gaps
Scars from previous breaks have hardened parts of her making repair a difficult long process, at times I thought impossible
I continued regardless
Pictures hang of a day during her untouched youth when she was whole, vibrant
She looked so happy
All pieces that could be saved are in place
She has lost some feeling – nerve damage
She has calluses – trauma
I stand up still cradling her in both hands
I lift my head and hold it high
The sun shines on my face
I can see him now in the distance
A tug at my heart
My chest tightens
A longing arises
I miss him
“Does he miss me?”
You didn’t matter
Your feelings were irrelevant
I take a few deep breaths
I hold my head up higher
“We’ll be okay,” I assure her
She’s starting to trust me again
More healing, we’re becoming whole again
Her color returns
Some scars are fading
Some never will
She beats with life again
Getting stronger with every breath
Never again, I promise
The new wall is almost complete
Stronger this time
I hang the last strand of barb wire
A sign at its entrance reads “No trespassing”
I give her a tender kiss
Please forgive me
She smiles back
You’re safe now
Never again will I give you up so recklessly without concern for us
Words come to mind, ” Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”
Maybe one day another will be entrusted with my heart
Maybe one day I will remove the sign
Maybe one day I will know what it feels like to be loved
Never againJuly 1, 2013 at 2:45 pm #37722
Beautiful and potent! Pema Chodron has a book entitled “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.” It addresses the yearning and fear directly, in a very compassionate and well presented language.
MattJuly 5, 2013 at 9:15 pm #38041AnonymousInactive
Thank you again Matt. I will have to get the book.
I’m really having a hard time with this. I’m disappointed with myself. I should be moving forward by now and I feel stuck in my sadness. A day has not passed that I don’t cry. I’m struggling getting him off my mind and out of my dreams. The rational side of me knows it will get better. I knows there is a light at the end of this. I just don’t know how to shake this. I’m supposed to be strong. I’ve been so weak through all this. I feel like such a fool. I feel I was disposable and I and my feelings were irrelevant.
I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t like being negative. I’ve never been a depressed person. Trying to think positive. Part of me says to not dismiss the pain. That I need to feel the full impact of it so I can remember it and never do this to myself again. Part of the problem might be I have to keep it all inside. I don’t really have anybody to talk to. I appreciate this sight for giving me a voice and an avenue to vent, whine and feel.
I have been practicing the breathing. I’m staying busy and continue doing the things I love like cycling and dancing. I want to choose to be happy.July 6, 2013 at 5:51 am #38056
Remember to be gentle with yourself! When we experience pain, sometimes we are angry with ourselves over our decisions, and that anger wishes that we were hard. There is no need for self-criticism. You are a romantic, and so you courageously jumped. That won’t change no matter how much you beat yourself up.
Its like trying to stop the rain by throwing water at the sky. Consider that it wasnt the jump that generated the pain, it wasn’t your love. Rather, you kept your eyes closed as you jumped. Next time of course you’ll jump, just keep your eyes open!
For now, perhaps try to let go of the habit of calling yourself names. That’s just pain. You have a powerful heart, and that will never change. It doesn’t make you weak, it is something sacred and special about you!
MattJuly 6, 2013 at 9:56 am #38064AnonymousInactive
You words are like seasoning!
I’ve always been my biggest critic, but not my biggest advocate. It’s been my motivator to improve myself. I don’t think it’s a self confidence issue. I could be wrong. I’m hard on myself. I don’t take compliments well either. Been working on that. I think it derives from being taught to be humble. I don’t like to ask for help. Not because of pride. I don’t want to be a bother. I need to learn to be kinder to myself, more patient with my setbacks, applaud my efforts, and stop throwing water to stop the rain.
LaraJuly 6, 2013 at 11:14 am #38069
Thanks for the kind words! I respect that wish not to be a bother, because we see so many people suffering that we don’t wish to add to their burden.
Part of authentic humility is recognizing that our injuries are a soreness for all of the world. Said differently, everything icky in this world arrives from our collective injuries. Asking for help not only allows you to heal more quickly, it is the best way to honor the suffering of others. When we are whole, our hearts and minds unite and bring light for the darkness. Or seasoning for the meal. 🙂 When we ask for help, we are helping to heal the rifts in intimacy… both in having the courage to open, as well as giving others the opportunity to open back.
The problem is the small part of our mind thinks “I shouldn’t be this way”. This makes me laugh, because how else could we be? We are or we are not, there is no should. “Should” just means pride or shame is there clouding our humility. In its absence, we are like a rose opening to the world around us as we are nourished by our friends, perceptions, thoughts and actions. That’s enough! Where does it get so complex?
MattJuly 9, 2013 at 9:19 pm #38313AnonymousInactive
Today’s the last day I make a fool of myself. Sorry Matt, don’t know any other way of wording it.
These last 2weeks at work have been hell. I dread going to work every day. It would be so much easier if he was how he use to be with me. Not in the intimate sense, but in the friend sense.
I’ve always hated the feeling of somebody being mad at me. If I made an error I have no problem apologizing for it. I have to fix it.
I felt like he was mad at me for how everything went down when he ended it for “my sake”. I’ve apologized to him for my part in it. He said I have nothing to apologize for and that he was not mad. He said we would always be friends. His actions have said otherwise. I feel like he’s been avoiding me, barely saying two words to me. Doesn’t hardly say good morning and if he does its more formal now. Leaves before lunch. We use to do lunch a lot. Etc.
I’ve been sick since last week and today I stayed home from work. Before, he would always check on me if I didn’t come in. Today not a word from him. Such a small thing, but it hurt. Especially since I already felt tension. Earlier today, before lunch, I sent him a text to first see if he was at work. An hour later he replied that he was. Again, I tell him I’m sorry if I made him angry and I tried to joke with him. We always joked a lot. That’s one thing I enjoyed about him. He’s silly and makes me laugh. About an hour later from that one he replied with “???” I replied that I missed him and I hate this. I asked him why he was being distant and cold with me and is this the way it’s going to be between us. No reply.
(I miss his friendship, I miss laughing with him, I miss the lunches we took a couple times a week, and yes, I miss his touch, his hugs, and his kisses, I miss even flirting with him- & I could really use a hug right now)
I value him as my friend and wanted to keep that. We were friends first, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I treated him like he mattered cause he did/does. I offered him my love, he rejected me. I was there so many times when he needed me and he can treat me like this? I never made him feel like he was bothering me or that he was wasting my time. I don’t deserve this. I’m better than this. If he thinks it’s ok then maybe, as much as it hurts, his friendship is one I don’t need. No more. I can’t do it anymore. What am I fighting for? I think I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and looking for him to show he cares so I will know I was not just an option to him. A notch on his belt.
I’m conflicted. I know I shouldn’t apply value to myself by the value others place on me. I also feel that we as humans need validation from others. Not from everyone, but from those that you place value on. Those that count in your life. I valued him and his opinion.
Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
If he wants to be friends ok I’m there, but I can’t fight for it anymore. I feel like I’m trying to force the square block into the circle hole. I’m exhausted. Time to stand up and begin living again. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying vWill this be easy, not at all. It hasn’t been yet. Will there be more tears, most likely.
With help from this site and it’s fantastic support system I’ll make it. I love this site. So many insightful, helpful people. Gives me a venue to have a voice, shed some tears, vent and receive feedback.
A few things about me that might work in my favor is: I’m stubborn. I’m not a quiter. I’m determined. So I’m too stubborn to fold and crumble, I won’t quit on myself, and I’m determined to be ok.
Maya Angelou also said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”
Smart woman.July 10, 2013 at 5:55 am #38327
I agree that you acted like a fool, but perhaps not in the way you meant it. In tarot, the cultivation of wisdom is described by the journey of the fool in the major arcana. The fool is willing to follow their heart right off the side of a cliff. There is a loving innocence about them, and they see a possibility and jump. So congratulations, you acted on your feelings and are learning some lessons! I’m sorry it was painful, but sometimes we are stubborn and try the same patterns over and over until we learn.
It sounds to me pretty much what happened, but this time you kept your eyes open while you jumped, which is a great thing. Osho said that a breakdown plus awareness produces a breakthrough. Do you see how you lost control, gave in to craving him, and felt a tremendous pain from the actions that resulted? Its enough just to see it, there is no need for regret!
Consider that when we are craving, the inner “slobbering dog” comes out of us, and we sniff and lick all around trying to find some satisfaction from the world around us. When we are rejected, we feel almost like we were struck in the nose! The resulting feeling of icky isolation, if conditions are just so, can help us see that we are the light in this world. He can’t and won’t fix that for you, its something your heart has to embrace.
Perhaps next time when you are feeling “oh I miss him so much, and feel the need to satisfy my heart with trying to connect to him” you will see that you are already the peace and divinity, the love and warmth… and you can turn inward instead of to him. Said differently, what we are really seeking in those moments is peace and love, which is actually our nature and birthright.
I am really impressed by how potent your emotions are… its a very great thing! I know it seems more like a curse right now, but as you grow your wisdom you’ll see what I mean. Those emotions teach and guide us, make our dumb decisions painful, and our wise decisions sparkly. Consider that they are like a divine radio, where our body tells us of the harmonies and disharmonies that surround our decisions. Said differently, please don’t give up and try to harden your heart, it is full of wisdom.