Dear nycartist:

The very insightful teaK asked an excellent question and made an excellent suggestion: “what do you feel you need from those people..? identify what it is that you need from them, I believe it would help you process it and move on”-

Your answer to her question, paraphrased, with a quote, is that you need the following from these two individuals: (1) to adopt your pacifist belief that “the world needs peace, and everyone should learn to get along”,  (2) to make it possible for you to be a successful peacekeeper , (2) In regard to your uncle- to make it possible for you to experience less awkwardness when interacting with his wife (your aunt) and with his children (your cousins).

Here is my answer to the same question: you are very scared when people are angry at you, and what you need from these two individuals is that they will no longer be angry at you.

My answer is based on what you shared Dec 3 last year: “I am so afraid of making someone angry.. this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me… The idea that someone is going to think ill of me is almost unbearable.. it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me”.

Everyone is afraid of others’ anger, but your fear is more intense than others’. A clue as to why is that when you were a child, your mother had “some really horrific boyfriends”, including one about whom you wrote this: “one jerk used to light matches in my face and terrify me!”

Angry people can do horrible things when angry, and you experienced it in ways that understandably scared you a whole lot, leading you to be intensely afraid of anyone being angry at you to any extent and for any length of time.

In your original post here, you asked regarding your uncle and former friend: “Are they truly something I need? Or is it just the thought of someone being displeased with me.. gnawing away at some part of me?”- I believe it’s the second: the possibility of someone displeased/ angry at you is gnawing away at the scared little girl in you.

anita