Hi Teak,

First, please understand that I didn’t brush anything off. If I didn’t reply to something, it’s only by accident. I’ve been busy interviewing and studying a lot the last month. I am just exhausted mentally and emotionally. In terms of brushing things off, I did not. You’re right, I do know how to reach out for help, but I don’t know how to accept help. I am not sure if it’s because I don’t want to feel weak or it’s because of low self esteem (feeling that I am not deserving of help), but it’s a problem. When it comes to work, I don’t shy away from reaching out to my team and asking for help, but when it comes to life, I simply don’t know. The good side of who I am, that’s my grandparents. They raised me and gave me love. The bad side and the broken side, that’s my parents, my absent stepdad, my materialistic and superficial mom. My grandparents are gone so I have no one to turn to. There are all these great groups and activities on Meetup.com and other mediums, but I am ashamed and embarrassed to join most of these activities. It’s not me brushing them off and anyone here, it’s me not knowing what to do next. I am not shy and this is not introversion. I am not shy to talk to girls or random strangers. It’s my low self esteem and low self worth. It’s affecting my interviewing process, it’s affecting my friendships, it’s affecting every aspect of my life. I am not shy, I am not rude, I am not dismissive and I always appreciate help. I am simply not feeling good enough. I feel strange when people do something for me because I feel like they are wasting their valuable time on me and I am not worth it. This goes to the root of my post. I am stressed to the breaking point because I know what I am doing (looking for work, studying, eating healthy etc), but I also need help and I don’t know where to get it and when I know where to get it, I don’t know how. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow and self-esteem\self-worth will be our primary subject of discussion. I’ve let go of most things and attachments. I am free as hell and happy about that, but I am also empty. We have to love ourselves or everything else is going to crash. And I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know what that feels like. I never got the love a child deserved from his parents, how do I now at 43 start loving myself? It’s probably why my marriage failed. She loved me, but I didn’t know what that meant. I know know how to love, not how to be loved.