Apologies for late response. It’s been a hell of a week.
Dear Teak. You’re right about my quick responses, but it’s not out of anything other than me being me. It’s nothing personal. I feel like I am doing the best I can being where I am right now. It’s a really tough situation and I don’t feel well. I have an analytical mind that think logically and like a computer it spits out answers based on that logic. But I am going to try to slow down and let things cook for a bit before responding. I am not talking about here, but more in general. I’ve already done a lot of that in every day life and it has helped me with staying more calm and centered. And I do listen to advice, but if I don’t know how to love myself then no advice can help until I learn how to love myself. Right now, I am trying to love myself, but there is too much loathing instead. I don’t truly hate myself, but because of my current situation in life, I just want to shrivel up and disappear. I feel pretty sad. The Sun is out, nature is beautiful, my dog is with me, I have good friends, but I feel sick and empty.

Just when I was giving praise to my family, they showed their true colors. It was my sister’s birthday this week. We have the same mom, but different dads. I don’t consider her to my half-sister. I love her like a sister and I love her very much. We were celebrating at this restaurant on a patio and without going into every detail, out of nowhere she turned to me and said, “STFU you idiot”. I was floored, then just got up and quietly walked away and left. She apologized the next day, my parents tried calling me, but at this point I don’t want to speak with them or have anything to do with these people. Family was one of the few things I had left to hold on to during these complicated times and they really let me down. I am not mad at them. I see them as primitive beings who are operating on a lower level of consciousness.  I truly feel sorry for them, but I can’t allow them to treat me like this ever again. I give them all I can, all my love and support, I come to help at the drop of a pin, but in return I get nothing. No love, no support, no positive emotions, nothing. In any other situation, almost any other person with more or less normal parents would be able to talk to them, but I am dealing with people who simply not very intelligent. I love them and will always love them, but I don’t like them and this was the breaking point. I am done with them. It hurts because I already haven’t spoken to my real dad and sister for many years. They don’t seem to care. And now I am done with my mom, stepdad, and sister. It makes feel sad and scared because now I am truly alone. And that’s OK, but it hurts no matter how you spin it.

Everyone tells me that I should love myself. I get it. I just don’t know how to love myself when even my own family doesn’t. Those who did love me are either no longer alive or are too old to know the difference. I haven’t been this broken inside my whole entire life. But I am not giving up. I am working on fixing things, but it’s hard work and there is lots of pain.