Good evening Teak and thank you so very much for helping me out with this.

I am really sorry I have to answer to you so late but I was working until very late at night all week and now I just got the time to sit down relax and contemplate. Chance got me thinking and I decided to go down to Memory Lane as far back as I can go and really understand who I was back then.
my main expectation as a child was to learn foreign languages which I did. Other than that I never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to study in the University. Nevertheless I do love the fact that I studied theology and that I work as a secretary right now. But I cannot say is that I had a dream or a passion as many people say. And to be true I always found it really annoying when people ask me what my passion is or what my goal is or what I wanted to do when I grew up because I had no idea. And I think that’s okay I turned out really good.
I think my confusion starts with my parents and my sisters criticism of when I wanted to do something and they didn’t like it, be it wanting to dye my hair another color, having a particular taste or way of life and when I grew up and became financially independent discontinued on to the point where now when I want to make a decision their voices are in my head and they affect the of said decision. I am always afraid of what they’re going to say because I’m afraid I’ll get really angry and nervous and stress and I don’t want to have those emotions because they really know when to shut up. Don’t speak they give me looks and they have a certain way of communicating their disappointment.
Currently my with getting married by 30 years old or why I haven’t already or my fear that I am going to end up alone in this world without any children may stem from the fact that my parents were always telling us to get married soon and have kids early on in life. My dad would be very stressed about that and I think I got it from him. Now I can see he was intimidating us even though he didn’t want to. For him the worst thing that can happen is regret and shame. That I also have sadly. Secondly I think is the societal pressure that women have to get married before the age of thirty because after that we become old and undesirable and no one will want us and we will die alone. It’s also the annoying people on social media parading their relationships and weddings annoying way practically shaming other people for not being so successful as them. The third reason I think is what makes me stressed about marriage is of when I was wrongly diagnosed with a disease at 24 years old. At that time I thought I was going to die and I wanted to hurry before that happened. I still believe. I have unresolved trauma because of that. As far as me being submissive, that has changed utterly. I think it was a phase of me trying to figure out my sexuality and personality, I don’t like being like that anymore, and maybe my birth situation has affected it for a little while, but I worked with my therapist, and I know I’m completely not like that. I stand up for myself and I make known what I want and what I need. I no longer settle for less.
I’m really, really thankful for your help, and if you find that, you can’t say anything more, please do because it really changed my understanding, for the better, have a lovely evening many thanks again. ❤