Dear Sofioula,

I am very happy that what I said made sense and resonated with you.

One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

What you told your ex was not really your true desire, but the expectations of your parents speaking through you. Even if it were your own desire, we have the right to change our minds. A year ago you were thinking one thing, and now, with an expanded understanding, you believe something else. That’s how we grow and evolve – nothing bad about it.

What makes it bad is when you believe that changing your mind or making a mistake is a bad thing – something that your father taught you to believe. He made you a bad person for making a mistake (although changing your mind isn’t even a mistake), and you believe it. You’d need to tell yourself it’s your father’s programming, and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or making a mistake. You can tell yourself a little mantra: “I have the right to make mistakes”. Or “I have the right to change my mind.” And “I am not a bad person because of it”.

Regarding therapy, CBT does have its limits. What helped me was body-oriented, somatic therapy, which works with the body and emotions too, not just with the mind. Because we can understand everything on the rational level, and yet be unable to truly change our behavior and our reactions in day-to-day life. Working with the inner child is super helpful because our inner child holds those subconscious beliefs and emotional wounding. Once we get in touch with our inner child and get a corrective emotional experience in therapy, that’s when we can truly heal and it shows in our everyday life too.

Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

It’s okay that you feel anger, it can be healing. You said in previous threads that your father used to yell at you if you’d accidentally drop food on the floor, or such little things. It’s almost like he needed every excuse so he can vent his anger. He was full of anger, but it wasn’t your fault, it was his personality. He might have been angry at his controlling mother, who knows, but he was never allowed to express it to her, and he never saw the need to deal with it in therapy, so he vented whenever possible. It’s easiest to vent at children because they’re weak and subordinate. My mother used to yell at me too, for tiniest things. It’s how they manage stress. But it’s terribly damaging for the child…

Also, the need for control. My mother used to control me too, I think because of 2 things: 1) she feared for me – she was/is a person based on fear, and 2) she didn’t trust that I can take care of myself, or that I can make good decisions for myself. She brought me up with lots of criticism and condemnation, lots of scolding, yelling, telling me how wrong I was in this or that way. If you’re constantly told you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you, then the child stops believing in oneself and its inner voice. The internal compass gets messed up… and eventually, we really might start making foolish decisions and act in weird ways, but it’s the result of our upbringing, not because there’s something inherently wrong with us – as our parents would want us to believe.

Your father’s anger and the need for control are the result of his own unresolved issues, and also of lack of basic understanding that the child isn’t his ownership, his “project” that he can mold into an obedient soldier, or a doll, as you said. The child has its own unique personality, its own desires, its own temperament. It needs to be treated as an individual, not as the parent’s ownership.

My mother treated me like her ownership, and I believe your father did that with you too. There was no place for your unique individuality, for your desires, for your goals and dreams – you need to fulfill what he wants and thinks is best for you. That’s the epitome of an authoritative parent. If you don’t obey him, he believes you don’t love him.

So the above would roughly be the answer to your question of why he has to control you, patronize you, worry about your potential failures, and tell you “I told you so”. He probably won’t change, at least not spontaneously, but the good thing is that you can change, in a way that you aren’t susceptible any more to his fears and attempts to control you, but can be your own person and choose your own life and destiny. It’s not easy to do, but it’s possible, step by step, to reclaim the real, authentic you <3

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.