Dear Melanie:

You shared that you (29) were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because you grew up with “a very emotionally stunted, codependent mother”, had a 1.5 years relationship with a man (32) who was sexually abused by a female babysitter early in his life.  As a result of these and other experiences, he at times “could get very, very angry”, and you were severely depressed and rarely helped around the house when the two of you lived together for a year.

The relationship “could be very volatile”, and at its worst, the two of you argued in the middle of the night, he mocked you, you felt demeaned and slapped him. In December 2020, while you were studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination),  he seemed depressed, wanted your attention, and broke up with you in mid-January this year, telling you that he deserved someone who will do more than show up half way for him, that you were sensitive and that he thought that you going to graduate school was a pipe dream.

3.5 months later, you “feel dead inside”, that you can’t live without him, the love of your life, as you referred to him,  that you want him back so badly and “would do anything to hold him one last time”.

My input today: (1) Congratulations for taking the GRE and getting “a really good score”! You must have had a plan of how to use your GRE, remind yourself of that plan and give it some attention,

(2) You mentioned that you were seeing a therapist and attending a 12-step program- to see your therapist soon and more frequently, and attend the 12-step program daily, increasing your participation and involvement in the program,

(3) Seems to me that you are remembering the connection you felt for him (“I felt so connected when I was with him”) as way stronger and more consistent than what it actually was. If your felt connection to him was very strong and ongoing, you wouldn’t have been severely depressed much of the time you lived with him. I am guessing that you felt strongly connected to him at times, but often, not much connected, or not at all connected. But now, you remember it differently. Am I correct?

anita