May 1, 2021 at 11:39 am #379013MelanieParticipant
I am in serious crisis mode and new to this forum, so forgive me for just “jumping right in”. I was dumped in mid-January by my boyfriend of a year and a half. He’s 32, I’m 29, we both loved each other with everything we had, we had fun together, we laughed a lot, went on trips, took care of our cats, and actually lived together for a whole year of our relationship during the pandemic. Of course, no fantastic relationships come to an end in the way they did.
Both him and I had intimacy issues. He had sexual trauma from a female babysitter–he got therapy and went to sex addicts anonymous for porn addiction for 2-3 years. Though he worked through a lot, he still became very defensive at any sign of conflict, had a need to be right, and could get very, very angry. I was diagnosed with BPD — I have trauma from growing up with a very emotionally stunted, codependent mother who left me in our car in the parking lot of a bar one night so she could go drink. As a result, our mix could be very volatile. At times, I yearned for closeness and he got defensive when I wanted to spend time with him (sometimes I didn’t use the best language, either). Ultimately, I feel like I messed up way more in the relationship. I was severely depressed, had issues getting on a sleep routine, rarely helped around the house, and lived in his house and he didn’t charge me rent. I know. I sound like a moocher–the person you imagine when you hear “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” Well, I did help with chores when I wasn’t depressed, and I always told him I felt guilty about the lack of balance in our relationship. But he assured me he loved my companionship, and that I was enough for him. So, I believed it, took it for granted he was telling me the truth and moved on.
<p class=”_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM”>He definitely wasn’t perfect (he could be very arrogant, childish, and very angry — though I can’t say his anger wasn’t merited, I definitely am not easy). At its worst, when we argued in the middle of the night, he mocked my sobbing really close to my face and I slapped him. I later regretted it, but felt very demeaned. But I’m trying to be honest in this forum because I don’t want to blame just him. I had a lot of insecurities, I looked for validation and reassurances. But I knew that self-confidence had to come from me, so I separated this from the relationship and tried to work on it on my own, knowing that any unhappiness I had was coming from me.
I’m crying typing this because I really did my best, and it was just shit. I loved him so much, and couldn’t show him that or treat him how he deserved. He did so much for me. I loved his enthusiasm and his spirit. He was such a sweet and funny person. I felt so connected when I was with him, like I connection I’ve never felt in my life, and I now feel like I can’t live without it.
The relationship ended SO suddenly. I told him a month before our breakup he really needed help with his anger. He needed a therapist (I had one, and I was going to 12-step meetings). He got one, and a few weeks after he started acting really different. Like, I was preparing for my GRE, and he was seeking attention from me right at that moment (of all moments to pick), and I couldn’t give it to him. I got a really good score on the GRE and he just.. I don’t know. He just seemed really depressed. The day after he told me he had doubts about our relationship, and broke it off the day after that. As for reasons… he mentioned how sensitive I was, that he deserved more than someone who showed up half way, and that he thought me going to grad school was a pipe dream.
A lot of people think I should consider this a bullet avoided. It is 4 months after and I am breaking down in tears about him still. I want him back so bad, I would do anything to hold him one last time. I hate how things ended, I don’t even know how to make sense of all this, nothing on the internet is making me feel better. He was the love of my life. Life just isn’t worth it beyond this. I feel dead inside. Every single moment is heartbreaking. I feel totally discarded… would he ever take me back? Was I that bad? I want to make everything right. Everyone tells me someone else will come–but no matter how many funny attractive men throw themselves at me, I want him. He was my love. And I hate that I’m carrying a torch, but every time I put it down I pick it right back up. Someone please help.May 1, 2021 at 12:28 pm #379036TeaKParticipant
I am sorry you’re feeling so devastated. When I read this:
I feel dead inside. Every single moment is heartbreaking. I feel totally discarded… would he ever take me back? Was I that bad? I want to make everything right.
it sounds like something you’d say to your mother. When she left you alone in the car in the night so she could go drink, you felt totally discarded and heart-broken (and horrified). The child always blames themselves for being mistreated by the parents, so you’d ask her: “Was I that bad? I want to make everything right.” You took the blame for being mistreated, you felt there was something wrong with you.
Your immense pain now is the same as when you were a child, abandoned by your unpredictable mother. You felt helpless and scared because you never knew what she would do next.
Does this resonate with you? Where was your father? Was he in the picture?
May 1, 2021 at 12:34 pm #379038anitaParticipant
- This reply was modified 5 days, 10 hours ago by TeaK.
You shared that you (29) were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because you grew up with “a very emotionally stunted, codependent mother”, had a 1.5 years relationship with a man (32) who was sexually abused by a female babysitter early in his life. As a result of these and other experiences, he at times “could get very, very angry”, and you were severely depressed and rarely helped around the house when the two of you lived together for a year.
The relationship “could be very volatile”, and at its worst, the two of you argued in the middle of the night, he mocked you, you felt demeaned and slapped him. In December 2020, while you were studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination), he seemed depressed, wanted your attention, and broke up with you in mid-January this year, telling you that he deserved someone who will do more than show up half way for him, that you were sensitive and that he thought that you going to graduate school was a pipe dream.
3.5 months later, you “feel dead inside”, that you can’t live without him, the love of your life, as you referred to him, that you want him back so badly and “would do anything to hold him one last time”.
My input today: (1) Congratulations for taking the GRE and getting “a really good score”! You must have had a plan of how to use your GRE, remind yourself of that plan and give it some attention,
(2) You mentioned that you were seeing a therapist and attending a 12-step program- to see your therapist soon and more frequently, and attend the 12-step program daily, increasing your participation and involvement in the program,
(3) Seems to me that you are remembering the connection you felt for him (“I felt so connected when I was with him”) as way stronger and more consistent than what it actually was. If your felt connection to him was very strong and ongoing, you wouldn’t have been severely depressed much of the time you lived with him. I am guessing that you felt strongly connected to him at times, but often, not much connected, or not at all connected. But now, you remember it differently. Am I correct?
anitaMay 1, 2021 at 6:01 pm #379045MelanieParticipant
It does resonate with me. I have been having traumatic reactions to situations in my life for years and my ex breaking my heart is about as .much as I can take. He was my only best friend for a while year, discarded me and forgot me, and now won’t even talk to me even during a panic attack.May 1, 2021 at 7:39 pm #379046anitaParticipant
I can see that you are hurting a lot, that you are feeling hurt and anger, loneliness and despair. And I know that you will feel better soon enough. Try to relax, best you can, listen to your favorite music, something calming, take a hot bath, and post again. (I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now).
anitaMay 2, 2021 at 12:17 am #379051TeaKParticipant
I have been having traumatic reactions to situations in my life for years
that means your childhood trauma still hasn’t been healed, but if you keep working with a proper therapist, it can be and will be healed. Have you tried dialectical behavior therapy? It’s proven successful in treating BPD. Are you working with a therapist currently?
He was my only best friend for a while year, discarded me and forgot me, and now won’t even talk to me even during a panic attack.
You have developed a strong bond with him during that one year, and that’s normal in a relationship. The problem is that the wounded child in you believes it won’t survive without him, the same what you believed as a child in the relationship with your mother. Only now, you are able to survive without him, you’re not a helpless child left alone in a car park. You’ve got ambitions and you did your GRE exams successfully. You are now more than a helpless child, although the child in you is still there and still horribly scared and panicked.
But there’s another part of you – the adult, who can take care of your child and lead it from the car park into safety. Your life and wellbeing aren’t threatened any more, even though your boyfriend left you. Try to keep that in mind, feel the safety and integrity of your body, know that you’re physically safe. Emotionally, you still have some work to do, in therapy, but you’ll get there eventually, help is available.
You can do this, Melanie!