I am in serious crisis mode and new to this forum, so forgive me for just “jumping right in”. I was dumped in mid-January by my boyfriend of a year and a half. He’s 32, I’m 29, we both loved each other with everything we had, we had fun together, we laughed a lot, went on trips, took care of our cats, and actually lived together for a whole year of our relationship during the pandemic. Of course, no fantastic relationships come to an end in the way they did.

Both him and I had intimacy issues. He had sexual trauma from a female babysitter–he got therapy and went to sex addicts anonymous for porn addiction for 2-3 years. Though he worked through a lot, he still became very defensive at any sign of conflict, had a need to be right, and could get very, very angry. I was diagnosed with BPD — I have trauma from growing up with a very emotionally stunted, codependent mother who left me in our car in the parking lot of a bar one night so she could go drink. As a result, our mix could be very volatile. At times, I yearned for closeness and he got defensive when I wanted to spend time with him (sometimes I didn’t use the best language, either). Ultimately, I feel like I messed up way more in the relationship. I was severely depressed, had issues getting on a sleep routine, rarely helped around the house, and lived in his house and he didn’t charge me rent. I know. I sound like a moocher–the person you imagine when you hear “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” Well, I did help with chores when I wasn’t depressed, and I always told him I felt guilty about the lack of balance in our relationship. But he assured me he loved my companionship, and that I was enough for him. So, I believed it, took it for granted he was telling me the truth and moved on.

He definitely wasn’t perfect (he could be very arrogant, childish, and very angry — though I can’t say his anger wasn’t merited, I definitely am not easy). At its worst, when we argued in the middle of the night, he mocked my sobbing really close to my face and I slapped him. I later regretted it, but felt very demeaned. But I’m trying to be honest in this forum because I don’t want to blame just him. I had a lot of insecurities, I looked for validation and reassurances. But I knew that self-confidence had to come from me, so I separated this from the relationship and tried to work on it on my own, knowing that any unhappiness I had was coming from me.

I’m crying typing this because I really did my best, and it was just shit. I loved him so much, and couldn’t show him that or treat him how he deserved. He did so much for me. I loved his enthusiasm and his spirit. He was such a sweet and funny person. I felt so connected when I was with him, like I connection I’ve never felt in my life, and I now feel like I can’t live without it.

The relationship ended SO suddenly. I told him a month before our breakup he really needed help with his anger. He needed a therapist (I had one, and I was going to 12-step meetings). He got one, and a few weeks after he started acting really different. Like, I was preparing for my GRE, and he was seeking attention from me right at that moment (of all moments to pick), and I couldn’t give it to him. I got a really good score on the GRE and he just.. I don’t know. He just seemed really depressed. The day after he told me he had doubts about our relationship, and broke it off the day after that. As for reasons… he mentioned how sensitive I was, that he deserved more than someone who showed up half way, and that he thought me going to grad school was a pipe dream.

A lot of people think I should consider this a bullet avoided. It is 4 months after and I am breaking down in tears about him still. I want him back so bad, I would do anything to hold him one last time. I hate how things ended, I don’t even know how to make sense of all this, nothing on the internet is making me feel better. He was the love of my life. Life just isn’t worth it beyond this. I feel dead inside. Every single moment is heartbreaking. I feel totally discarded… would he ever take me back? Was I that bad? I want to make everything right. Everyone tells me someone else will come–but no matter how many funny attractive men throw themselves at me, I want him. He was my love. And I hate that I’m carrying a torch, but every time I put it down I pick it right back up. Someone please help.