Dear TeaK,

Yes, Japan was definitely a time where I felt connected, not all the time, but for most of the time. This probably made it such a great experience and the distance of friendships made originally in Japan, so sad. I even cried upon returning back to my home country, despite my little cousin happily rushing towards me at the airport.

The popularity part is not accurate. Popularity was kind of “strange” in the international school in Cuba. I might not have been in the “social inner ranks”, but I still knew everyone and they knew me because I participated in many activities. I was known as a great basketball player (the only girl playing with the guys at an early age), fun to be within many other sports activities, the manga girl, in academics I helped many people, I was open to meet new people and I did share many laughs with several people. Several social inner rank people trusted me with what is on their hearts. In fact, many people did that, including strangers. Although this is something I have been experiencing since I was very young.

It was a small school. I loved the bonding trips and class trips because there, whatever “popularity” was going on, did not matter; we were pretty much close with each other in my eyes. Maybe because of the absurd housing and weather conditions we put up with and joining creative forces to make the best of the situation.

The school in Cuba is the only place, which I would say that school is family, despite everything I went through. It could also be due to the fact that I am aware that families do not imply necessarily being happy and functional all time. I mean my family is a bit broken itself, there is a sense that you have each other backs… given one has the energy and mental space.

So, although many people trusted me I did not trust others, especially because these people come to me saying they cannot trust this information with other people. But the lack of trust must have been ingrained in my subconscious probably already earlier.

There is some truth to your words, “Perhaps you wanted to be more approachable and more similar to them if you drop your performance.”

When I entered a university in my home country, I was happy to not be at the top. I was having a hard time with my mother tongue. I am fluent, but for academic purposes, I truly prefer English and find it a lot easier, given since grade 3 up to grade 12 my courses were taught in English; I went to international schools. I thought, now I would be like everybody else, but that was completely wrong. This is the place where I learned what it is like to be of my skin color in my home country and that people here were a lot less open-minded. It was kind of understandable given that most never lived abroad or have much international background. After the year abroad, I did see more changes towards more open-mindedness, at least in my eyes.

Yes, at that school-age I was already rationalizing.

It got me thinking a lot when you brought that up. I was thinking about when I actually started rationalizing and where I got that from.

I identify with being an empath, and definitively as a highly sensitive person. I have clear memories starting from the age of 2, which left even my family members wondering how I am able to remember such things. The earliest memory is me comforting my mother; she was crying and sitting on the kitchen step. I got to see “those tears” again in Cuba. This is when I told her that I remember her crying like this; as if it was the same problem back then when I was 2 years old. I described the scene to her and she was astounded how I was able to remember such a thing.

Then there is also the thing about people sharing what is one their heart to me since a young age. I would also get to hear stories from both sides, or hear the story from a friend and see what it is like in their family. I also would remember certain reactions from others by things I said or others have said. For example, in grade one, my closest female friend did not want to talk about the show we both liked in front of others. I found it strange the look she gave me until she later explained she was embarrassed by it.

I have several things that I notice or pick up and seem to store in my mind. Although I find that I have many memories, I cannot locate the exact first time I was rationalizing or which words or situations taught me to do that. The only thing I am very sure of is that from very early on I learned there is always a story behind someone’s actions.

Around middle school is when I started saying to myself, it is like if I feel people’s feelings (those that were close to me). I was a great supporter and cheered up many people. It isn’t after like last year that I actually heard about highly sensitive people and empaths. In fact, my dad recommended me a site that I should read and say whether I resonate.

I have learned quite a lot about energy, empath, sensitivities in the last year from books, blogs, people, etc.

I think that is why I had problems back in school self claiming my pain as actual real pain on an emotional level; I was rationalizing too much. I have repressed emotions and I have been in denial. I easily blamed myself instead of others. I tried to please, but not to the point where I would do anything. I was high on fairness and justice, tried to stick to all rules given. I simply wanted to keep the peace and make sure everyone is happy. Fights did not make much sense, because I would notice that people cared about each other; I either felt it or heard both sides of the story. I want to note, I already felt so before coming across the terminology listed above.

I hope it is making sense to what I am saying.

Anyway, this week I thought about whether I was rationalizing again some of my emotions. Probably yes, I was doing some rationalizing.

I would also like to talk about the new activity that I have been engaged in. It is reading webtoons, which is like reading manga.  There are top comments written by people who read the webtoon. The comments about the webtoon being the only thing that people look forward to each week, sparked curiosity.

That notion, plus thinking about rationalizing and wondering why I used to like the manga so much brought me one day to an epiphany. I was coming back from groceries that day. When I was thinking about my experiences in Cuba, I suddenly called it home. I was near tears and found it a bit hard to grasp what I just told myself. I once had such thought earlier on in March, but disregarded it. However, this time I clearly called it home several times. Soon after, it hit me that Japan was my escape; technically mangas and animes were my escape and I think, it extended to the interest of Japan. Then I partially called home also my experiences in Japan, and even Germany, my birth country.

The reason, why this is so big, is because I used to say I am (emotionally) homeless. That changed to there are parts of me to every place I’ve been to after some healing. But now, I actually can say “home.” Already in the first paragraph in this reply, I said “home country” instead of birth country.

I started feeling extremely grateful for every person I met in my life, every single one of them. I also felt like I understood support a lot better than I used to. That right now I am being supported every step of the way, even if there is no one here. I smile a lot; there are tears sometimes, but they are “sweet tears.”

I do not know how it all comes down to this, or what exactly happened, but I feel really peaceful at the moment.

I got into my thesis, and the idea was interesting according to my advisor. I plotted down short story ideas and am starting to share more of my writings. I also came up with an account name for where my short stories will be released.

Something big shifted again, and I do think reading your replies on this site helped in the process.

And yes, I do express anger in short quick bursts, like kicking in the air or put it into sports. Maybe there is still some healing to do on that wound; I do not know, but with what happened this week I am very content with the outcomes and state of mind I have taken on.

Kibou