April 17, 2021 at 8:28 am #377911
I have difficulties with the feelings of abandonment, which is getting bigger; I feel the feeling of abandoment more often, and it is slowly starting to influence my days in unhelpful ways.
I’ve been through lots of healing this past year. I am smiling right now because I can say that so many traumatic events have lost their emotional charge. Some of them I can even laugh about. My connection to animals is back, I feel connected with my family again, I feel connected to people when interacting throughout the interaction, I’ve learned to assertively say no (although there were not many opportunities to use it), I am not burning anymore as compared to my first post, I am slowly getting back a proper constant sleep cycle, I am more present in the world, I feel safe, my trust has grown and I am now truthfully speaking out my feelings, I am attracted to more happy things and more. It is amazing 😀 And when I remind myself of these things or write them down I am smiling; I am incredibly proud of the progress I have made.
As grateful as I am for my progress, my core wound of emotional abandonment has been “hit” again many times and it hurts. The closest two friends, which have encouraged me the most to open up to the idea of friends, kind of just left. I do know though, that they are also friends with lots of wounds and most probably also have a core wound of abandonment. This time I shared my feelings.
One of them told me that they have lots on their shoulder and apologized that they were not there for me during my good and bad times. They said I am their sparkle in their life that they needed, the most caring, loving & supportive friend they know, and that I deserve all the love I need. I am touched and they did message me two more times like what we used to and I heard nothing. It’s been 3 months now. That’s the longest I haven’t heard from them. I did send sometimes a couple of messages and pictures. Also saying that I am there if they need me.
The other friend, it was quite a bumpy road to get to some honesty from their side, as to why I am being “ghosted” so often, and some other stuff that was hurting me. I told them that I would send fewer messages I felt like I am over-giving and in a one-sided friendship. The friend let me know that I am a friend with many great memories, that they think I am thoughtful, fun to hang out with, and diligent. I still hear from them from time to time, with the same “ghosting” trend and they did inform me though that they’d be happy to follow my Instagram project once I create it. So I am assuming on both ends there still is some desire to stay in touch. (I read their posts on Fb and sometimes send something they might like).
I am saying these things because it is important to me to let others know that they are not bad people or narcissistic. They are amazing people who mean a lot to me and I love them. We trust each other, but we all have isolating trends (I’ve opened up and one friend is slowly opening up). I know that there are mental health challenges involved. My guess is that they are unemotionally unavailable and I used to be so too. I am becoming more emotionally available, although I am sure I still have things to work on. As beautiful as these things are my abandonment wound still has been hit by them and others, but from them, it hurts the most as I’ve opened up first to them and trusted them first.
I also have been “ghosted” by others; some of them again some of them are starting to show such trends. One notable thing with all friendships is that they all said they liked the memories and fun we had together. They all said I am cheerful or am supportive and caring. By many, I also know that there are some mental health issues, which might be causing such responses; for example, social anxiety. I logically understand that covid is not making things easier for people, but for me, the hurt is the same as all the other times before covid. This is something I really wanted to share, even though I see how this could be a “hurtful” and “lack of understanding” statement for others. I understand that I might not be in the same energy vibration as others like I used to after lots of healing. That I might also have been attracting unemotionally available friends so far. No one is to blame.
So yeah, I wanted to share these feelings. The wound of abandonment has not been fully healed and it might never will. However, I will keep getting stronger and find other things to laugh about. I know that I will always have my family, so that alone makes me feel that I’ve healed certain aspects of that wound. In regard to friendship, it is still a quite painful wound. I want to add that I have lived a quiet nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young. I believe this also plays a factor.
I can say with confidence that I have spring, summer, and autumn friends, but right now, for a long while, there have been no winter friends. There have always been very few in my life, but with those friends, beautiful memories were made, that I still carry in my heart. It is like these memories are tainted with blue, similar to the Disney movie “Inside Out.” Griefing and sadness are also important to see just how valuable people and moments are. I think it’s safe to say, that I am still grieving a bit.
And the last thing I want to say is that I have lost many interests and I have little vision; I have very few goals, my motivation and passions also lay flat. I still have moments of joy or happiness, but in general, it is “dull” when I do something. I cannot answer the question “what do I want to do after I finish my bachelor’s or even later in life” In fact, writing my thesis is as slow as a snail and I might even be a bit behind. I used to be very ambitious and have tons of goals. I can say though that many of those “whys” I was having were not fully only my why’s. Living for myself and what that means is still hard to grapple with.
I exercise, eat healthily, have been doing breathwork and meditation for a couple of weeks, I journal (not regularly), I write poetry/stories, read, have weekly video calls with my mum (usually I’ll also hear from my siblings or dad than), I try to do something. The activities mentioned I am doing because I do believe they are helping me and sometimes I do find myself lost in them for a short while.
Thanks for reading 🙂April 17, 2021 at 9:09 am #377913
Welcome back and congratulations again, for all the healing you accomplished last year, starting in March 2020!
October 2020, you wrote: “I am okay and not okay is the best way I can describe it. The okay part referring to all the progress I have made.. The not okay part, is the pain I feel.. it still takes me lots of energy to do anything… many simple things like getting dressed take lots of energy”.
Six months later, April 2021, you wrote: “I have lost many interests and I have little vision; I have very few goals, my motivation and passions also lay flat. I still have moments of joy or happiness, but in general, it is ‘dull’ when I do something”-
– reads like you suffered from depression in October 2020 and still.
You wrote today that because of your healing journey, “many traumatic events have lost their emotional charge”-
– reads like your whole experience of life has lost its emotional charge, and therefore you feel “flat” and “dull”.
You shared that your “wound of abandonment” has not fully healed, that your feelings of abandonment have been growing lately, and that there has been a trend where you are being ghosted by friends.
“I know that I will always have my family”- I am guessing that your family was not always there for you, and that is where your abandonment wound originated.
anitaApril 22, 2021 at 1:58 pm #378524
Thanks for reading and replying to my thread.
Yeah, I still have a mild depression lingering around, but it is nothing compared to what I have been through before. In October 2020 it was the starting point of going into complete utter darkness, to the point where I can say I was spiritually dead; I was just sitting and staring into the void most of the time. So I know that I am definitively better than before and what haunted me back then no longer is.
And yeah, I am aware of the wound of abandonment originating from my family. I talked about it with them. When I learned that I had stored resentment towards my mum, through theta healing, I shared that news also with her and we could talk about it. I have gotten a lot closer to my family and am very happy about it.
Maybe I explained it a bit wrong. I still enjoy things; external things like the weekly video call with my mum, or the sun on my skin, or delicious homecooked food once I eat it. I also can still get lost (as in something like a state flow) in some activities for a short time like dancing, writing something creative, reading.
It is more like, all the passions/interests I used to have just seemed to somehow be gone or barely present. For example, today when I went to an Asian grocery store is when I started thinking in Japanese again and thinking about the language. I used to study it for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated. This is pretty much gone, except for that moment I was in the store or that one moment I was browsing through homes in Okinawa on a Japanese site.
Or I used to be head over heels into nutrition and liked unraveling myths and lies and learning to understand the big picture, which is why I joined distance learning for becoming nutrition guidance. But I am pretty much like a snail in my studies for nutrition and my former flame and passion has almost died out. I still share information here and there, but the array of different opinions on what is healthy and what is not, in addition to the “fight” between different diet culture and trying to share information and guidance knowing that a quick solution is wanted although it is not the way it works is just kind of insignificant because all sorts of division and separation are just concepts of the mind. There is no right thing nor is there really good or bad; what makes something good or bad is up to what a person believes it to be. Giving guidance on anything, seems somehow very weird to me now, as what a person needs is so individual and most of the time what a person truly needs is something they are more likely going to find by looking in themselves.
But yeah, one could say “how about going back to Japan” to rekindle the passion, but I know from experience as a nomad that coming back to your birth country or country you have lived in is different than the first time you have been there. People have changed, the place has changed and you as a person itself have changed. I never used to think much of it and keep trying again, some people will stay longer in your life, but now it seems every relationship seems to be meant to last only short and sometimes you hear from someone every couple of months or years. That’s a thought that visits me quite frequently, but at the same time, there is still a part of me that believes “some people will stay a lot longer in your life, you just have to wait and see” + “if I can make myself my own best friend and love to sit with my own company then anything else around you won’t be of much matter to me.” I am trying to work on the latter concept.
As for nutrition and I think for passions in general, the fact that I am doing them for myself as myself is still strange for me. I actually asked myself last year, what is it like to live for yourself? I’ve been helping and giving so much, and now I am turning it inwards to myself (at least I am trying my best to), but it is kind of unknown territory for me.
I do not know if this made more sense, or if it made any sense at all.
I’m going to read the article by Chris Wilson “How I Moved from Depression to a Deep and Meaningful Life.” Maybe I find a new nugget of wisdom or clarity in there. This site has provided lots of helpful and beautiful content. Thank you.
Also sorry for the late reply, I thought a notification would pop up in my email, like last time.
KibouApril 22, 2021 at 2:05 pm #378525
It is not a problem that you replied a few days after my post, any time you reply is a good time. I will read and answer your recent post in a few hours, or as long as in 16 hours from now.
anitaApril 23, 2021 at 5:28 am #378548
It appears you became much more self-aware in the past year and went through some serious transformation. It’s great that you’re much more able to be with your own pain, it doesn’t “burn” so much anymore, and you’re able to better regulate your moods, without falling into serious depression.
There’s a few things that caught my attention as I was reading your posts. First – about Japan:
I used to study [Japanese] for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated.
What was it about learning Japanese and thinking about Japan that made you happy and motivated?
Then, your nomadic lifestyle:
I want to add that I have lived a quiet nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young. I believe this also plays a factor.
Could you say a little more about that phase of your life? How come you lived a nomadic lifestyle? Was your family moving a lot?
You say that a part of the reason you lost your passion is that some of the goals you were pursuing earlier weren’t even yours:
I can say though that many of those “whys” I was having were not fully only my why’s.
Could you talk a little about that – about your parents’ expectations, and in general how you felt while growing up?April 23, 2021 at 8:16 am #378553
In your October 2020 thread you described the different phases of your “interesting journey of self-discovery and healing”. Your descriptions of your journey are almost entirely descriptions of how you felt during the different phases. There is very little and very vague descriptions of the nature of your thoughts and actions, and of what actually took place during your journey or earlier in life. I will do my best to separate the phases. I understand that I will not be accurate in separating the phases, but I will do my best with what you shared:
In March 2020, you felt “really down”. This is when your journey started. Phase 1: you felt good. Phase 2: you felt “too good in fact, especially considering the fact that it was lockdown time”, and your routine “seemed to be too perfect”. Phase 3: you “tried to bring some chaos” into your life. Phase 4: You were “pretty much running on autopilot”. Phase 5: most of the time, you felt “really happy and had immense confidence”, having moments of feeling “really painful or sad”. Phase 6: you felt a “kind of positive shock but still confused”. Phase 7: you started writing a book. Phase 8: Writing one of the chapters was “a journey for itself”, a journey of “self-discovering.. and healing”. Phase 9: You “opened up more and started speaking out” about what troubled and worried you, memories unlocked and you could see more clearly, having “‘great’ realizations”. You realized that you you “did not just build walls of protection, but a whole fortress with no entrances, and there was moat and a barricade”. You concluded that chapter in September 2020. Phase 10 was a “phase of suppressed tears” began. You also smiled many times, and “lived pain just as I have lived happiness”, learning to “connect more to people and learning to trust others”.
Phase 11 started in October: “This phase is where I was able to see just how much I was burning. It is like ALL painful emotions” that “were suppressed or locked away” came up, “I am in pain but I am not suffering.. I am okay and not okay is the best way I can describe it… reconnecting with people and telling them what had happened”, including having told “loved ones just how much their actions or words have hurt me”. You still felt pain, you had trouble falling asleep, and you were physically exhausted, it took you a lot of energy to do anything, like doing the laundry, washing dishes and getting dressed. But you managed to smile and enjoy dancing sometimes, and you were looking for a topic for your bachelor thesis.
In your current April 2021 thread, you shared that “so many traumatic events have lost their emotional charge”, that you your connection to animals and to family is back, that you learned to assertively say no, that you eat healthily, exercise and your sleep pattern has improved, that you feel safe, “not burning anymore compared to my first post” (the post of six months earlier, Oct 2020).
But you have more frequent “feelings of abandonment”, two friends “kind of just left… I am being ‘ghosted’ so often.. the same ‘ghosting’ trend.. also have been ‘ghosted’ by others”, you “lost many interests and ..have little vision.. very few goals.. motivation and passions also lay flat.. dull”, writing your bachelor thesis is progressing as slow as a snail. You referred to this experience as “mild depression lingering around, but it is nothing compared to.. October 2020.. of going into complete utter darkness… sitting and staring into the void most of the time”.
You mentioned having had resentment toward your mother, that you talked to her about it, and “gotten a lot closer to my family and am very happy about it”, and that you have weekly video calls with your mother. You shared your past interests and passions for learning Japanese and nutrition, and that you lived a nomad lifestyle (“I have lived a quite nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young”, Oct 2020).
My input today: like I wrote to you at the start of this post, what you shared is almost entirely limited to your feelings. There is very little sharing about what happened in your life so far, particularly, what happened in your earlier life: how did it come about that you’ve lived a nomadic lifestyle ever since you were very young, did you move around a lot with your parents, away from your parents.. did you have two parents living with you at any time, and so forth. For me to respond further, I need some solid information to stand on, otherwise, I am floating in the air, so to speak. Feelings alone are not enough of a basis for useful communication.
anitaApril 25, 2021 at 2:16 pm #378725
Dear TeaK and Anita
Thanks for your replies and kind words.
My passion for Japan sparked at roughly the age of 5 when watching anime. I learned to draw manga from my cousin, then read manga and included manga/anime in as many school projects as possible. I’ve made a Japanese friend at the beginning of middle school during my time in Cuba, and there came the introduction of Japanese food and the culture. So my passion for the Japanese culture/language and Japan, in general, has grown since I was a kid. These moments were shared with people dear to me, which with all I grew more apart with my constant moving and lack of communication.
I started learning the Japanese language in order to understand anime in Japanese without subtitles, and in the hope to read Japanese mangas. When I became friends with the Japanese friend I’d hope to speak with her in Japanese one day. I guess these were my motivations and I did accomplish these things. As to why they made me happy I can’t fully explain because I do not know. I liked manga and anime; the fantasy worlds created and getting lost in them.
As for my nomadic lifestyle, I moved with my parents and as an individual a lot. It wasn’t until I began uni that I moved without my parents. I’ve lived in several different cities in my birth country and lived for 7 years in Cuba, 1 year in Japan, and my family (parents and siblings) currently live in Indonesia for a couple of years, where I have visited them twice. As a family, we moved a lot due to my dad’s work (and they still move a lot); we also traveled a lot to different countries. However, my parent’s life has always included moving and traveling since they were children. Staying put in one place seems odder to me than moving constantly. This is my 6 months in the same location. The last time I have been to one location only was 20 years ago. I am 23, that being said I am aware of how I view the world, and how relationships come and go might not be so common (at least not in my environment of people that I know; the people that share the closest understanding of constant moving are diplomat children, which were many of the people at school during my time in Cuba).
In terms of friendships and staying in touch, I am always on the side that writes last or has been ghosted. I though at first that is just part of life, and you make new friends, when I return back to my birth country/city my friends and I would be fine and we’d hang out again. However, on my return/vistis back to my birth country I’ve experienced the opposite. I had people pretend they did know me, or avoided me or neglect me upon returning; that is one of the things that left scars behind. This was especially hard when returning back to the same school I went to in grade 3. It had been 7 years (my time in Cuba), because instead of just being some individuals, I faced a whole class of previous friends, especially during a time where I really was looking forward to some familiar faces again. I did say I’d return always to that school, it just turned out to be 4 years later than originally planned. Now I have found a stories for each drifting apart and value for each friendship I made. It still hurts those kind of experiences but those scars have healed if that makes sense.
In regard to my why’s, many of my why’s turned out to be the want of my dad’s approval of him being proud of me. I did talk about that with my dad, and last year I finally heard the words how incredibly proud he is off me; my dad is not the one give praise freely and talk about emotions. Furthermore there was lots of comparing to others, depsite me being already often class best and excelling at many things. It’s a longer story, but since I worked through it I do not feel the need to explain more. My mum said a couple of times that we have to prove ourselves, due to our skin color. Some other expectations come from peers; when excelling at things, it is harder to keep up the good work. I used to not mind if I were to drop my performance, but after laughter, jealousy and pressure received from peers it did feel very hard to slack off. I never blamed anyone for their behaviour, since I knew where they were coming from (many people share what’s on their heart with me and I do ask sometimes for clarification.) How to express I am hurting from other’s behaviour, while knowing their story has been hard for me; they are not bad people, they are hurt people who are more prone to hurt others and need time and healing themselves to change not so pleasant behaviour.
Other why’s where to get back some control, like my weight or getting good grades; these things are at least in my control. Some of my life experiences include several things which are out of my control, like the time my mum got unwell and I took over many responsibilites, fleeing, loss of pets, or trying to be as strong as possible as elder’s trauma arises as they kept in many of their pain inside. These things came especially at wrong timing because before all the responsibilites I was suddenly holding, I was already depressed with suicidal thoughts. I never really got a chance to process one thing, as it felt constantly the next thing was thrown unto me. All these things don’t really matter; it’s a lot and did lot of that work with my counselor. And I went through each single “story” and talking with people and sharing how I felt or to clear the situations. I now accept these events and am proud for the resilience they gave me.
Anita, I understand that you are floating in the air, since I am speaking mostly about feelings. The summary was also very good. I think I really just needed someone to share my feelings. I tend to understand and empathise with others and logically understand how others weren’t possible to be emotionally there for me. So I dealt with many things on my own mostly, especially my emotions. It was unhealthy at first, since I repressed and denied many of them to get me through everything. So when I did start sharing with other, all my emotions and feelings were bursting out, which is all you mostly heard from me so far. It is hard to give all the information, because I was dealing with several things which mostly covered over 10 years of my life.
I needed someone to be there for me, and this time I was very willing to share my feelings and everything; I was ready, yet I found that my most trusted friend weren’t there for me – once again a very familiar situation for me. Hence why I mentioned those friends and why the hurt is still sometimes there; they are the ones I trusted first again and knew some of my past. While going through a time of healing through traumatic event and reliving it, that was like a dagger in my heart. Not only was I reliving events in my mind, but some again in real life. I might be strong, but even I have limits to how much pain I can hold.
During the darkest time of last year, I wished there was somebody who would put me first, who would prioritize my needs first, but at the same time I knew that is not love (not meant in a romantic way).
The quote “Only the broken will offer a piece of their soul to you, for they know, what it feels like being shattered into pieces” resonated a lot to me. There is a man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him, giving a puzzle piece to another man, who only has one puzzle piece missing. I resonated with the man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him. However, I knew that was not good; if you have many holes in you sole due to pain and scars endured, then you are giving from an empty place. The circle of giving and recieving love is disrupted, it is not flowing properly. Yet when you give from a place of abundance then it flows naturally. After the last theta healing session I did, I finally saw how I and my inner child were starting to paint in the holes. This was the image I was creating in my head.
This is a bit far fetched and I hope you all can follow; there are many holes that deal with the scars of abandonment. Although I am painting them in, I sometime find another hole or some of paint is not “thick enough” to fully get rid of the traces that there was a hole. Those moments hurt, but I know I am on the right track and it will take time. Sometimes, I have to get more paint (use some of the coping skills I’ve learned).
I know from experience, that sharing my feelings with someone else helps me, especially if they have something to say back. It reminds me to look back at my strengths or accomplishment, because I still lack to do so on my own sometimes, even when I journal. It helps me see a different perspective again, in case I might be hitting back into a more gloomy perspective.Also, it is a lot easier when the person has some former record fo what I have being feeling or going through. I’ve noticed that the tinybuddha forums use past records when replying to a thread, so maybe that is why I chose to share my feelings here.
It did help sharing and releasing those feelings. I have found one activity, where I lose myself in; somewhere where I feel fully engaged and excited to keep going.
I hope my reply was not too disorganized, but I did not really know how to organize this reply. Honestly speaking, some of the things I wrote in this reply, were simply done because of the things inquired in your replies. I do not mind sharing, but I also do not know as to how they matter to have been mentioned.
KibouApril 25, 2021 at 3:18 pm #378732
You are welcome. You shared about your love for Japanese, anime and manga, these “fantasy worlds created and getting lost in them”.
You shared that because of your father’s work, you traveled with your family to many countries and moved a lot since you were 3 years old, if not earlier, moving within your birth country and outside your birth country: living 7 years in Cuba and 1 year in Japan. You have moved away from your family for Uni and currently living in the same place for the last six months, longer than you lived in one place since you were 3. Your parents live in Indonesia for the last two years, and you visited them there twice.
Your father “is not the one (to) give praise freely and talk about emotions”. He compared you unfavorably to others even when you were the best student and excelled in many things. Last year you “finally heard the words how incredibly proud he is” of you.
You wrote: “My mum said a couple of times that we have to prove ourselves due to our skin color”. You mentioned that after you were “depressed with suicidal thoughts”, your mother became unwell and you took over many responsibilities, which was the wrong timing for you, but you were “trying to be as strong as possible”, trying to “process one thing, as .. the next thing was thrown” at you.
“I dealt with many things on my own mostly, especially my emotions.. I repressed and denied many of them to get through everything. So when I did start sharing with others, all my emotions were bursting out”.
You resonate with the quote: “Only the broken will offer a piece of their soul to you, for they know what it feels like being shattered into pieces”, and with the figurative image of “a man with many puzzle pieces missing inside of him”. After a healing session (perhaps the theta healing you mentioned elsewhere), you had the image of your inner child painting in the holes (the missing puzzle pieces). You wrote that many of the missing puzzle pieces/ holes “deal with the scars of abandonment”. As you figuratively fill in these holes with paint (which means using your coping skills), sometimes you find another hole you did not see before, or the paint is not thick enough, and it hurts, and sometimes you need to get more paint.
In a reply to another thread 10 minutes ago, you wrote to another member: “I do resonate with your feelings of loneliness. I am prone to loneliness”.
I understand you better now, Kibou. What jumps out from the page for me more than anything is that you experienced a lifetime of too much alone-ness and loneliness. I think that the ongoing, painful, immense loneliness created your figurative holes/ missing puzzle pieces.
anitaApril 26, 2021 at 10:39 am #378759
thank you for sharing some more about your life.
Honestly speaking, some of the things I wrote in this reply, were simply done because of the things inquired in your replies. I do not mind sharing, but I also do not know as to how they matter to have been mentioned.
The reason I asked you about Japan is to try to understand what makes you happy. You said that thinking of Japan makes you smile, and now I understand that it’s related to Japanese cartoons that you liked very much as a child, and also to a Japanese friend you met while living in Cuba, whom you remember fondly, but lost connection with (These moments were shared with people dear to me, which with all I grew more apart with my constant moving and lack of communication.)
I guess Japan brings back pleasant memories of having a good friendship, feeling connected to someone, perhaps feeling like you belong. That’s something you rarely felt, since you and your family moved a lot. You shared how after you returned to your birth country, after 7 years in Cuba, your old school mates hardly wanted to associate with you, and that was very painful. (I had people pretend they did know me, or avoided me or neglect me upon returning; that is one of the things that left scars behind.)
You’ve also mentioned that you always excelled at school but didn’t really care if your performance dropped. However, when your peers started to laugh at you when you didn’t perform at your usual level, you stopped slacking off. Perhaps you wanted to be more approachable and more similar to them if you drop your performance, but it didn’t really bring you popularity, on the contrary, it brought you their judgment. Am I guessing this right?
You said something interesting about that experience:
I never blamed anyone for their behaviour, since I knew where they were coming from (many people share what’s on their heart with me and I do ask sometimes for clarification.) How to express I am hurting from other’s behaviour, while knowing their story has been hard for me; they are not bad people, they are hurt people who are more prone to hurt others and need time and healing themselves to change not so pleasant behaviour.
You’re saying that already at that age, as a school girl, you understood that they behave in hurtful ways because they are hurt people, and so it was difficult for you to be hurt about their behavior. That’s a pretty mature understanding for a teenager. I don’t know if yourself came up with that explanation, or you were told to be understanding towards people who hurt you because “they are hurt too”.
But what you did there was a rationalization: “I shouldn’t be hurt, offended or angry because these people themselves are hurt. I need to understand them and perhaps even forgive them”. Is this what you were taught by your parents, or how did this thinking formed in you while you were still quite young?
You also say you’ve healed the hurt from those betrayals:
Now I have found a stories for each drifting apart and value for each friendship I made. It still hurts those kind of experiences but those scars have healed if that makes sense.
Since you’re still suffering from a sense of abandonment, and loneliness, I wonder if you truly healed those wounds or have in part rationalized it?
You also say:
I tend to understand and empathise with others and logically understand how others weren’t possible to be emotionally there for me.
It is the same kind of thinking you displayed as a school girl: you understood your friends logically, but that doesn’t mean your wound isn’t still there. The wound happened when you were a child, and the inner child in us feels hurt and angry and betrayed. It’s still inside of you, but now covered up with layers of compassion and understanding. I’m not saying you haven’t done a lot of healing – because you have, obviously – just that there might be still some work to be done around healing the wound of abandonment, betrayal etc. And I guess this wound didn’t start with your school friends, but earlier.
You said something really important:
During the darkest time of last year, I wished there was somebody who would put me first, who would prioritize my needs first, but at the same time I knew that is not love (not meant in a romantic way).
This is the inner child in you speaking: “I wish there is somebody who would put me first, who would prioritize my needs”. It’s a legitimate need of a child, and I believe this need wasn’t met by your parents properly. So you’d need to heal your inner child and give it love and attention, and also allow it to express anger and disappointment at those who didn’t meet her needs properly. You cannot heal the abandonment wound without first getting angry (in a safe, therapeutic context) at those who abandoned you.April 27, 2021 at 3:06 pm #378846
Dear Anita and TeaK
Thank you for your replies. I’ll reply on the weekend.
KibouApril 27, 2021 at 3:07 pm #378847
You are welcome, Kibou, and thank you for your note.
anitaMay 1, 2021 at 1:04 pm #379042
Yes, I think that is well put; I have experienced a lifetime of too much aloneness and loneliness. I do, however, want to grow to be comfortable with myself most of the time (like this week).
For the whole week now, I have not had any feeling of abandonment, I had rather experienced epiphanies, which I will get to in the reply for TeaK.
I did not change much of my activities except for longer walks outside for groceries. I also danced a bit more, so maybe the increased sports did do me a favor, however, more notable were the epiphanies/realizations.
I am happy to say though, that after the grand realization, I was able to get to my thesis with confidence and ease.
KibouMay 1, 2021 at 1:37 pm #379043
You wrote on Tuesday that you will reply on the weekend and you did, you remembered and did what you said you will, I am impressed when that happens. I am glad to read that you approached your thesis with confidence and ease, and I am looking forward to read about your epiphanies.
anitaMay 1, 2021 at 3:51 pm #379044
Yes, Japan was definitely a time where I felt connected, not all the time, but for most of the time. This probably made it such a great experience and the distance of friendships made originally in Japan, so sad. I even cried upon returning back to my home country, despite my little cousin happily rushing towards me at the airport.
The popularity part is not accurate. Popularity was kind of “strange” in the international school in Cuba. I might not have been in the “social inner ranks”, but I still knew everyone and they knew me because I participated in many activities. I was known as a great basketball player (the only girl playing with the guys at an early age), fun to be within many other sports activities, the manga girl, in academics I helped many people, I was open to meet new people and I did share many laughs with several people. Several social inner rank people trusted me with what is on their hearts. In fact, many people did that, including strangers. Although this is something I have been experiencing since I was very young.
It was a small school. I loved the bonding trips and class trips because there, whatever “popularity” was going on, did not matter; we were pretty much close with each other in my eyes. Maybe because of the absurd housing and weather conditions we put up with and joining creative forces to make the best of the situation.
The school in Cuba is the only place, which I would say that school is family, despite everything I went through. It could also be due to the fact that I am aware that families do not imply necessarily being happy and functional all time. I mean my family is a bit broken itself, there is a sense that you have each other backs… given one has the energy and mental space.
So, although many people trusted me I did not trust others, especially because these people come to me saying they cannot trust this information with other people. But the lack of trust must have been ingrained in my subconscious probably already earlier.
There is some truth to your words, “Perhaps you wanted to be more approachable and more similar to them if you drop your performance.”
When I entered a university in my home country, I was happy to not be at the top. I was having a hard time with my mother tongue. I am fluent, but for academic purposes, I truly prefer English and find it a lot easier, given since grade 3 up to grade 12 my courses were taught in English; I went to international schools. I thought, now I would be like everybody else, but that was completely wrong. This is the place where I learned what it is like to be of my skin color in my home country and that people here were a lot less open-minded. It was kind of understandable given that most never lived abroad or have much international background. After the year abroad, I did see more changes towards more open-mindedness, at least in my eyes.
Yes, at that school-age I was already rationalizing.
It got me thinking a lot when you brought that up. I was thinking about when I actually started rationalizing and where I got that from.
I identify with being an empath, and definitively as a highly sensitive person. I have clear memories starting from the age of 2, which left even my family members wondering how I am able to remember such things. The earliest memory is me comforting my mother; she was crying and sitting on the kitchen step. I got to see “those tears” again in Cuba. This is when I told her that I remember her crying like this; as if it was the same problem back then when I was 2 years old. I described the scene to her and she was astounded how I was able to remember such a thing.
Then there is also the thing about people sharing what is one their heart to me since a young age. I would also get to hear stories from both sides, or hear the story from a friend and see what it is like in their family. I also would remember certain reactions from others by things I said or others have said. For example, in grade one, my closest female friend did not want to talk about the show we both liked in front of others. I found it strange the look she gave me until she later explained she was embarrassed by it.
I have several things that I notice or pick up and seem to store in my mind. Although I find that I have many memories, I cannot locate the exact first time I was rationalizing or which words or situations taught me to do that. The only thing I am very sure of is that from very early on I learned there is always a story behind someone’s actions.
Around middle school is when I started saying to myself, it is like if I feel people’s feelings (those that were close to me). I was a great supporter and cheered up many people. It isn’t after like last year that I actually heard about highly sensitive people and empaths. In fact, my dad recommended me a site that I should read and say whether I resonate.
I have learned quite a lot about energy, empath, sensitivities in the last year from books, blogs, people, etc.
I think that is why I had problems back in school self claiming my pain as actual real pain on an emotional level; I was rationalizing too much. I have repressed emotions and I have been in denial. I easily blamed myself instead of others. I tried to please, but not to the point where I would do anything. I was high on fairness and justice, tried to stick to all rules given. I simply wanted to keep the peace and make sure everyone is happy. Fights did not make much sense, because I would notice that people cared about each other; I either felt it or heard both sides of the story. I want to note, I already felt so before coming across the terminology listed above.
I hope it is making sense to what I am saying.
Anyway, this week I thought about whether I was rationalizing again some of my emotions. Probably yes, I was doing some rationalizing.
I would also like to talk about the new activity that I have been engaged in. It is reading webtoons, which is like reading manga. There are top comments written by people who read the webtoon. The comments about the webtoon being the only thing that people look forward to each week, sparked curiosity.
That notion, plus thinking about rationalizing and wondering why I used to like the manga so much brought me one day to an epiphany. I was coming back from groceries that day. When I was thinking about my experiences in Cuba, I suddenly called it home. I was near tears and found it a bit hard to grasp what I just told myself. I once had such thought earlier on in March, but disregarded it. However, this time I clearly called it home several times. Soon after, it hit me that Japan was my escape; technically mangas and animes were my escape and I think, it extended to the interest of Japan. Then I partially called home also my experiences in Japan, and even Germany, my birth country.
The reason, why this is so big, is because I used to say I am (emotionally) homeless. That changed to there are parts of me to every place I’ve been to after some healing. But now, I actually can say “home.” Already in the first paragraph in this reply, I said “home country” instead of birth country.
I started feeling extremely grateful for every person I met in my life, every single one of them. I also felt like I understood support a lot better than I used to. That right now I am being supported every step of the way, even if there is no one here. I smile a lot; there are tears sometimes, but they are “sweet tears.”
I do not know how it all comes down to this, or what exactly happened, but I feel really peaceful at the moment.
I got into my thesis, and the idea was interesting according to my advisor. I plotted down short story ideas and am starting to share more of my writings. I also came up with an account name for where my short stories will be released.
Something big shifted again, and I do think reading your replies on this site helped in the process.
And yes, I do express anger in short quick bursts, like kicking in the air or put it into sports. Maybe there is still some healing to do on that wound; I do not know, but with what happened this week I am very content with the outcomes and state of mind I have taken on.
KibouMay 2, 2021 at 7:20 am #379059
I am happy you’re feeling good at the moment, that you’ve made progress with your thesis, and also that you feel peaceful and supported. You have more clarity, it seems, and are feeling more enthusiastic about your studies and prospects for the future. And you’re planning to write and publish some short stories. Sounds awesome!
Reading some more of what you’ve written, I get the impression that you were the person who always took care of other people’s needs, but perhaps they couldn’t take care of your needs properly. Here I primarily mean your parents. You said you vividly remember comforting your mother when you were only 2 years old, as she was crying on the kitchen step. In one of your earlier posts, you said:
Some of my life experiences include several things which are out of my control, like the time my mum got unwell and I took over many responsibilites, fleeing, loss of pets, or trying to be as strong as possible as elder’s trauma arises as they kept in many of their pain inside. These things came especially at wrong timing because before all the responsibilites I was suddenly holding, I was already depressed with suicidal thoughts. I never really got a chance to process one thing, as it felt constantly the next thing was thrown unto me.
Your mother got unwell at some point and you had to take over a lot of responsibilities – I guess taking care of your siblings? You had been already depressed with suicidal thoughts before, but then when your mother got unwell, you needed to sort of block that pain and focus on helping your siblings and your family instead. You had to forget about your own pain and your own emotional needs, and focus on others. There was also fleeing involved, loss of pets and elder’s trauma. You said you worked through all of that with your therapist, but you can still share a bit more here, if you feel comfortable.
In any case, it appears you needed to suppress your own emotional needs from an early age, and perhaps even be an emotional care-taker for your mother and other family members. This made you into an empath. You were highly attuned to other people’s needs and were there for them, to provide comfort and understanding. It continued throughout your school time, with your friends who all confided in you and shared their secrets with you. You were emotional care-giver to many people, you were there for them, but how many of them were there for you?
In the beginning of this thread you talked about two of your friends, who ghosted you recently. When you asked them what’s up, seeking explanation, they both had only words of praise for you, but after a while they stopped communicating again. You think it’s maybe because they have some mental health issues, like suffering from social anxiety, and that’s why they have trouble staying in touch. This could be true, but it also could be that they’re busy with their own lives and don’t have the need to communicate frequently.
But you do have the need to stay connected, even if it’s just you being a shoulder to cry on for them. You actually told them that you’re there if they need you. It seems to me that by being an empath and care-taker you actually get some of your emotional needs met. Even if you don’t talk about your own needs, or you even suppress your own pain (one of the friends told you you were always cheerful, the other that you were a sparkle), at least you remain connected to people, the bonding is there, so it feels good. I can imagine it was like that with your mother – even if she didn’t meet your emotional needs, you were there for her, so the bonding was there.
Does this make sense to you? Do you feel this is what’s been going on?
Something big shifted again, and I do think reading your replies on this site helped in the process.
Maybe it’s because I constantly talk about the inner child 🙂 and that’s where the healing lies. You said you’ve already worked with your inner child in therapy. Perhaps there’s some more work to do, around meeting the emotional needs of your wounded inner child?