May 25, 2021 at 12:42 am #380385
you’re welcome, I am glad you felt heard. Sure, I’ll wait for your reply to anita.May 25, 2021 at 10:01 am #380399DonParticipant
In reading your post, if you don’t mind, I’d like to know how old you are? In your first post you stated a number of situations that you repeat several times and this is why I’m wondering your age. In a nut shell, you seem wise enough to recognize you situation, however with the repetitiveness, I’m wondering why you feel the way you do. People will always come and go in life as I’d assume you’ve “gone” from others in your life. Try to see life as a tree. It has many leaves and as time moves on, some of the leaves fall from the tree, however, it is still a thriving tree.May 30, 2021 at 5:18 pm #380736
Dear anita and TeaK,
I am going to take a while (maybe another week) before I reply.
KibouMay 30, 2021 at 5:19 pm #380737
Thank you for your reply. I do not mind you reading, however, it will take a while before I reply to you. I will first focus on the replies to anita and TeaK.
KibouMay 30, 2021 at 11:01 pm #380744
thanks for your note – sure, take your time. I wish you a nice week!June 6, 2021 at 2:44 pm #381126
Thank you for your replies and patience.
This reply is going to be a bit different from the rest. So too will the other replies be for the other participants on this forum?
What you shared with me about communication helped me a lot and try to change some of my communication ways. At least for when I am expressing my emotions. . At first, I thought, this kind of contradicts the saying “be who you are.” Because I have to change again in order for people to better understand me and see things from my side.
If I ground my emotions in “reality of actions and events” I feel like I need to write a lot to explain the complextiy. I might be defending people in my stories, especially my mom, but that is because the story is more complex. I don’t want people to get the wrong impressions of these people, since they do affect how people view others. Also, I do not know how much to share of their stories, because it is not my story to tell.
anita, everything you mention starting from
“Also, many readers simplify what they read according to the distorted thinking known as black and white thinking, and so, they miss on the complexity of what is presented. I make mistakes too, of course, and am still working on thinking more accurately and seeing the complexity in situations.”
and onwards made me feel understood because I was thinking about these things but did not know how to express them in words. I reflect on such things when I share emotional information with others, including participants on this forum.
Also, thanks for your help and understanding.
I could continue to explain further my situation or past, but I do not think there any need anymore. I am happy that people got to see that because of circumstances my situation is complex and that there is no one to blame. Instead, I will give a summary of the things I learned.
I was heard by the people I needed to hear me most. I received help in areas I can improve to better explain myself. Thanks to the help of others, I got to see how I actually have had many deep connections with others. But because I used to compare them to others and those portrayed in media, I thought I had very little to no close friends. I learned to receive support better. I learned that all of my feelings were valid and justified. I learned to accept that people (physically) leave your life. I learned to feel all of my emotions by going through each repressed emotion. I learned to name the emotions I am feeling. I was able to see all of my strengths and other good traits, and not hide what I have to share in fear of hurting someone. I learned a lot more about psychology, holistic alternatives, and energy. I learned to take a break (it is a lot harder than people think). I learned to see that I am part of a reason for why people smile or have been inspired and made changes for the better. I learned to voice my needs (still practicing a lot). I learned to reach out for help. I learned to say no. I learned that I was over-giving and hence the love I gave was not always “authentic.” (Sometimes it was more for my needs than others). I learned that I have a pet peeve for unreplied messages, but also am getting more patient. It turns out some people do come back in your life. I learned to let go (still can need a lot of improvement). Basically, I learned a lot.
Last but not least, I no longer feel abandoned, nor has the wound been coming up for a long time. It does not mean that I never get sad about sad memories, but I no longer have a negative thought running in my mind that says “I feel abandoned.” 😊
KibouJune 6, 2021 at 2:45 pm #381127
Thanks for your reply and patience.
As for anita’s reply, this reply will be different than usual. Your reply will be a lot shorter than usual, but I hope by reading the reply for anita you’ll see some more of my information.
Yes, my mom is a loving and caring mother. When she got unwell there were times she saw my pain, but she would also “forget” again as she was going through her own pain. Those moments, when it seemed like she was back to her usual self I cherished a lot. So, there were happy memories even while she was unwell. They probably also gave me hope that things will get better in the future eventually. They did and still are, it just took/takes a lot of time.
It is a possibility that she was not able to give me full emotional support before she got unwell. But that will only be because of her past and not being able to receive the support and help she needed. Like I said once before, their lives were not easy, and we all did move a lot. Like for me, for my parents counts because of circumstances it was impossible not to be affected by it.
I believe generational trauma plays a role in my family. It takes a lot of strength but also resources to get the proper help. Sometimes, you cannot get them. I am glad that I am able to receive it, and as more and more emotions are being said and communicated better, you can see the more positive changes in the family. Everyone is willing to change and that matters a lot.
Thanks for your help and understanding.
KibouJune 6, 2021 at 3:00 pm #381128
Thanks for your patience.
I am 23. I hope from the previous messages on this forum you are able to see the complexity and the several challenges I was facing. I don’t think the problem for me was recognizing my situation, but accepting my situation. I also think the number of repressed/suppressed emotions that I had for the extended parts of my life (it does cover a decade of me isolating myself, but I was not aware I was doing it until last year) made it hard for me to accept things. But hey, we all continue to learn new things 🙂
Yes, I have “gone” from others’ life too, but because I was always on the ending side of writing the last letter, email, or message it felt predominantly that people are leaving me.
I think I can see life as a tree better now. Although I’ve been moving/traveling a lot for the past 20 years it still was one of the hardest things to accept. I do not if you can relate and now I am specifically talking in the context of moving/traveling. I used to feel “homeless” and feel little that I belonged anywhere. It was more like I am from “between countries/cultures.” As of the end of last year, the belonging part updated to “I feel like I belong everywhere, but thus nowhere.” Now, I say that “home is within me; it is all the places, people, and memories I have made across the world.”
KibouJune 6, 2021 at 3:02 pm #381129
there is a smiling face missing after “thanks for your help and understanding” sentence in the reply for you.
So here it is. 🙂
KibouJune 6, 2021 at 3:57 pm #381132
You are very welcome and thank you for being the kind, gracious responsible young woman that you are, quite exceptional, if I may say so. I think highly of you and appreciate who you are. I want to offer you my few thoughts about your most recent posts at a later time.
anitaJune 7, 2021 at 9:50 am #381148
I patiently read your recent posts this morning. You have gone far in your “interesting journey of self-discovery and healing” (Oct 19, 2020), a journey that started during the March lockdown of 2020, fifteen months ago. You are exceptional in your ability to hold the complexity of the human experience in your awareness. Many people hold an over- simplified version (and because it lacks adequate complexity, it is distorted).
You wrote: “I could continue to explain further my situation or past, but I do not think there any need anymore”- to me this sentence makes it clear that you do not want or wish to further explain your situation or past, and that includes explaining your mother and your relationship with her. I respect your wish.
You wrote: “I was heard… I received help.. I actually have had many deep connections with others… I learned that all of my feelings were valid and justified… I learned to feel all of my emotions by going through each repressed emotion… to name the emotions.. I was able to see all of my strengths… I learned to voice my needs (still practicing a lot). I learned to reach out for help. I learned to say no… I learned to let go… Basically, I learned a lot. Last but not least, I no longer feel abandoned”-
– You are doing very well, Kibou. Congratulations for having gone this far in your journey of self-discovery and healing, and thank you for increasing my awareness of the complexity of the human experience, and the need to hold this awareness in mind when I communicate with members.
anitaJune 7, 2021 at 3:54 pm #381171
Thank your reply, help/support, and kind words throughout this journey. 🙂
Thanks also for respecting my wish.
KibouJune 7, 2021 at 4:24 pm #381173
You are very welcome, Kibou!
anitaJune 8, 2021 at 12:39 am #381182
I am happy to read about your progress and lessons learned, and most of all, that you don’t suffer from the wound of abandonment, that you suffered from at the beginning of this thread. One of the topics we were discussing here was your tendency to rationalize pain and negative emotions. That’s why I am glad that you learned to approach your emotions differently:
I learned that all of my feelings were valid and justified.
I learned to name the emotions I am feeling.
I was able to see all of my strengths and other good traits, and not hide what I have to share in fear of hurting someone.
I learned to voice my needs (still practicing a lot). I learned to reach out for help.
I learned to say no. I learned that I was over-giving and hence the love I gave was not always “authentic.” (Sometimes it was more for my needs than others).
This is amazing. It seems to me that you’re healing not only your own trauma but also the trans-generational trauma. For example, you became aware of the pattern that you mother exhibited: over-giving, sometimes giving from the place of scarcity rather than abundance. Thanks to that, there’s less chance that you’ll be continuing this pattern in your own life and transfer it unconsciously onto your own children, should you have them.
I am really happy for you Kibou. I believe you’re a beautiful, gentle soul, with so much love and compassion for others. Now that you understand yourself better and are able to voice your emotions and needs better – I see how you can make so much good in the world, fighting in a balanced manner, from a place of abundance, for causes that are dear to your heart. I see a great potential in you, and a big, open heart, coupled with a big, bright smile 🙂
I truly wish you all the best, Kibou, on your journey ahead <3June 8, 2021 at 1:15 am #381183
And I think this is so beautiful and a testament to your healing:
Now, I say that “home is within me; it is all the places, people, and memories I have made across the world.”
You can now see it from a different perspective, appreciating what you had and the deep connections you’ve made, rather than mourning what you’ve “lost”. Truly precious…