Dear Teak and Anita,

Sorry for the late reply; although I am not quite sure what qualifies as a late reply and what does not. In adavance, I can say that when it comes to the replies received from tinybuddha, it can sometimes take me 1-2 days processing/reflecting time. Sometimes, I also simply cannot get straight to replying. Other than that, I will try to announce earlier that I’ll reply on a later day, as I have before.

Also, I hope you both don’t mind the joined reply again. For me it seems that things overlap and can be adressed to both of you.

The impression “that you were the person who always took care of other people’s needs, but perhaps they couldn’t take care of your needs properly” sums it up good.

Yes I took care of my siblings, and I forgot or may not even have considered my own emotional needs at all. Also, the thought of people being there for me when I needed them is very rare, and only for specific instances. For example I would still do much of the work on my own or deal with much of my own emotions, and only asking for small favors whilst having backup plans prepared. It is habit I grew into given my experiences. I do not feel the need to share much of things that happened at the moment, but thanks for offering 🙂

Some of these events I did share with friends, or with people that I met in a pilot study for a platform development focused on raising the collective awareness. I was both in a career and spirutality group. Each of them lasted 2 months, and had weekly group calls. So, I did continue to share and open up and get help/support, although at first I saw these people as “temporary” since they were all called in for a pilot study or test trial; there wasn’t much belief that we would stay in touch.

Never the less we all shared vunerable stories and struggles we were facing. I was sharing often with a smile on my face and trying not to be too much of a burden. Back then I still felt somehow like a burden, but there were aha moments where these people showed me or got me to realize that we are holding an organic authentic conversation, despite sharing our struggles, or blindspots that we have.

It is also through these groups that I met the theta healer. I met her in the pilot study and she offered me a healing session in September 2020. I did not get back to it, as my mental state was going down the slope at that time. Then when we met again this year in February, she said it was totaly fine, and said it is okay to come back when I feel ready. At the end of the test study, we both knew, we both were ready for that theta healing session; she just had begun her practice in August 2020 and still was filing on her skills. These people helped me along the way to ask for help, or better said, kept saying it is fine to ask for help or share something if I need a reflecting board. I did eventually in the process.

From some of them it is that I learned things about HSPs, empaths and energy as well. So I did not only look at books and blogs. Since I did not share much of the human interaction that I had, I can see how it could be misunderstood that I am lacking “human interaction aha moments.” I did have those as well, but for some reason the biggest aha moments I have are after the interactions on my own, or random moments where I am usually also alone. I am probably just processing information.

Also, I do think it might have taken me a while to see or grasp the form of support that comes along the way. Me being used to taking of other people’s needs and little of my own or receiving it, had to kind of first learn again what it is like to receive support. In fact this came up in the theta healing session; I know that there are people I can go to for support to, but I won’t allow to receive it. So I was setting myself up for self sabotaging throughout my life.

However, I think I am doing a better job at asking for help. Last week I asked people which title name they would find more compelling and which image that creates in their head. I was surprised how many people replied, especially the speed at which they replied. I am aware that this sort of question is “lighter” in its nature. I do not think every one is open for “deep” conversations or discussing “heavy” or “sensitive” topics.

The reason why I put these words in quotation marks, is because to me, I did not find many of these topics to be so heavy/deep/philosophical. Since I am used people being vunerbale towards me I’ve heard stories from loss of a parent, divorce, child loss, finacial struggles, the so called “dark” sides of people; altough I found them to be rather human these things. Maybe I was rationalizing again and empathisizing.

Maybe that is just what we all fear – being considered good or bad. This does not exactly exist since it is a construction we have created in our mind that cease to to exist when we believe in them; as our actions and behaviours are judged in our own minds by our own set of morals. Before I rant on, what I want to convey, is that I think for many of us it is hard to talk about our emotions, needs and desires so it might be trickier for people to hold such conversations or listen to them.

Yeah, people can also just be busy with their own lives and don’t feel the need to communicate that often. I had to let that sink in for me as well and acept it together with the life changes we are all going through. Some of the friends used to wonder why people no longer stay in touch, or kept saying they are looking forward to emails and messages, or wrote on the social pages how they are waiting for replies and guess that they have to be patient before a reply comes, so that confused me. It is like two contradictory statements. From what I heard/read it seems that many people prefer to stay in touch with people with who they share more face to face interactions. As a nomad, that is hard to keep up with but I can understand; after all I also prefer physical face to face interaction when possible.

From one of these friends I hear kind of. It is a sporadious ghosting I would call it, but with what they have shared with me, I am guessing they are doing the best they can and impriving their own behaviours. (they told me that directly). What I found, to be an appropiate way of responding is sending less messages and when I do, they are more simple in nature.

Also, I found myself expecting less replies from people. When I do receive them I am happy, but I keep in mind that I also do not have to be there at the instance for others and can look out for my own needs. I can openly share that I will get back to them later or a couple of days later. I no longer say “it is okay” when I do not think it was, but instead reply to other content of the message that both people can enjoy. That way I am not unconsciously teaching people it is okay to treat me like an option, but also that way the messages sound kinder or possible feelings/residue of guilt deminish; I used to feel a bit guilty when I would reply late, starting with a day late.

I understand better now that when life is busy and people are under stress people are more forgetfull. Maybe they really did mean to be there for me anytime I call or message, although were hardly ever. And if I do have something urgent, I  do not mind sending out messages again or calling them without scheduling for a call after not having received any reply. Seems like a good way to cope with it, for me.

TeaK, I think you are correct; I did have some of my needs met. It may not be to way I imagine, but I am staying connected somehow to people and bonding was there. I cannot deny that. And I think, I have more strong bonds shared with several people than I think I have. Not saying that these people were there for me, as I would have liked, or that I became best pals with most, but the moment(s) were strong/vunerable itself.

I have a question. What are healthy ways to release emotions like anger, sadness, depression to avoid the the risk of rationalization. By now, I feel like I can call out my emotions. I do breathing exercises when I notice I am detecting anger, or I go for a walk. I dance it out, sometimes I write it out. I talk about things with my mum or sister. Are these all different ways, or is there more to it? I am asking out of curiosity.

Kibou

Dear Anita,

Thanks for the two replies and I think I understand what you said in the first reply.

I can not fully reply.

It is true that I have anger in me.

I am angry and I am sad right now.

The more I thought about it, the more sadness I had, my anger increased as well.

It is in my head, and it got bigger in my head.

But I can not write down what I thought.

I know that anger hurts people.

I know that anger distances people.

I remember how my mum cried when I was angry at her for not letting me play before completing my homework first in grade one.

I remember how I felt bad for having hurt her. I was at first stubborn and isolated myself. Our family wanted me to apologize to my mum first before I go outside.

It was unfair. I wanted to play and not do the homework first, I could have done it afterward. Why would I have to apologize to such non sense.

But I also was sad and angry at myself for making my mum cry. The thought came up again.

I apologized and cried when apologizing because I had hurt my mom.

I am angry at the amount of lies that exist in the world.

1. People want fairness but we are not fair. So many times have I been treated unfair because of being different; different skin color, different likes, different ideas, different background.

2. People want authenticity but only to their liking.

3. People say you should be yourself, but if you are yourself and it is not to people’s liking than that is a lie.

4. People say they want kindness but are skeptical of it.

5. There are so many things that contradict each other so there is no right or wrong, but people say something is right or wrong.

6. Working is fun or full-filling, that is a lie. Most people I have met so far are sad or angry when they come back from work. There are two exceptions. I met one man once who was always happy. He was the first to notice my sadness in Cuba. When I was ready to talk to him I soon found out he died of cancer. He was a really happy man. I wish I could live life as happy and to it’s fullest as he did.

I hate to admit it and but I am smart and people are jealous of smart people – that is unfair. I feel lonley for being smart.

I feel lonely for being so open-minded and I am mad when people are not trying to be open-minded. At the same time we want to be accepted for who we are, that itself is kind of a lie or hypocrasy.

What I am most sad and angry about is that I want someone to make me their first priority. But I would dislike myself if anyone were to lose themselves by putting me first before they do their own.  Yes the inner child is not fully wound.  And I know a child would not speak this way; there are words and expressions a child would not say, but it is as much I can do for now. I guess a child would say, “I am sad and angry because no one truly cares about me.”

I just had to think of memory; when I was a teenager I asked my mom whether my mom only loves me because I am her child. If I had been swapped by birth, would she have not loved her swapped child as she did to me and if she did not know I was her true child she would not love me unconditionally? My mum went silent. But many people go silent when I question something that people probably do not want to think about. I am good at discussions, debates, presentations. I do not like being good at discussions or debates. I can get the audience to explode in laughter or to go silent. I prefer the former, but the latter has a lesson to be learned. I know the silence cannot be because my presentation was boring or bad since I get very good grades on it. A professor at uni once told me that she found my presentation amazing but I have to be careful how I address humanity’s role in such “difficult” topics. I was presenting about forest set on flames in Indonesia because of actions caused by humans. I knew she was right and could already get a hunch that she would say that when she said “but…” I recognize such silence in an instance.

Sometimes it is silence created because I thoroughly looked at both sides of an argument. During my year abroad I took part at the northeast Asian student round table club because I wanted to improve my Japanese; the club activities were held in Japanese, but the conference was held in English. I was in the LGBTQ community; we were randomly selected into the communities. I was happy to be drawn into that one though because it was a topic that it is more positive and friendly to discuss at an international university and the more international community – people mostly say they are pro LGBTQ rights in North-East Asia (even if that is not truly the case; they do not want to stick out from what the mainstream say though). The other topics had a higher risk of causing heated discussions. Environment protection and something about security and America’s role in security for northeast Asian countries. The last topic I found boring to research; cultural preservation. I am getting off-topic. But it calmed me down ranting about other topics.

This time, I did not spell-check. I am tired and my eyes are slightly burning, but I want to add the rest of the reply.

These friends did not see my face, apart from the videos/pictures I have sent them. They loved my smile. People called out on my radiant smile. In the groups that I was in for the platform development, at first, my smile was not radiant, but they did not say, they said they sensed sadness and depression. As the groups continued they would say my smile getting more radiant and at the end said I showed the biggest cheer up and commitment. In other workshops, the person offering the workshop said he loved my smile and that I am so bright, then again I did these workshops in March/April. When I walk on the streets and I send people a smile on the street they smile back. It feels genuine, so I would have a hard time believing my smile gives away hidden anger, and to be honest, I took a picture of me smiling. When I look at it, I have to smile too.  If anything, then my anger probably shows through my writing, as you saw it, Anita. Does that make sense?

I hope I did not hurt anyone. Thanks for allowing me to express myself, even if it is not always direct. I will try again at the writing like a child another time. I do think, it is a good exercise.

Kibou

Dear anita,

This week I was busy with the deadline for my thesis application, and still needed to discuss things with my advisor and prepare a new framework for my thesis. That did take up much of energy.

However, replying to two individuals at the same time with topics that are lengthy is overwhelming, but it has given me helpful insights. Thank you for your thoughtfulness though. I do want to reply to your and TeaK’s replies.

Still, it would be kind of you, if you could reply after I have replied to TeaK as well. Also, I have finished your reply, but given that it did take much of my energy I have to go over it again later in the day to check whether it is comprehensible.

Kibou

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Kibou.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Kibou.