Thank you, both.

As far as signals that might have been missed… nothing I could directly see or hear.  More in the nature if things being really one-sided.  I feel most comfortable in emails and texts, where I can take the time I need to be sure I’m saying what I want to say, and she was a F2F or phone kind of girl.  Any response I did get seemed straightforward enough, nothing that would cause me to wonder if there was more there than was being said.  She’d ‘drop out’ for weeks at a time, with no replies to anything, then suddenly be ‘back’ and we’d be sending things back and forth, then it’d get quiet for a long time again.  I’d always wonder if I had said something to offend her, or crossed some line – – frequently asked her to let me know if anything was making her uncomfortable so I could knock it off… no, no problems, she said.  What contact there was was good… in-person at meetings was good… but she was always a little late in the door, and very quick to leave afterwards  – – no “meeting before the meeting” or “meeting after the meeting,” except rarely.  No spending time with me.  I guess maybe her actual behavior was at odds with what she was saying… “mixed signals” I believe it’s called… so I kept trying, and eventually she just left the area altogether.  Long stretch of no contact, and I was already mourning the loss, and one evening I sent a text just to bump her name back up to the top of the list in my phone, where it had been for so long.  Absolutely was not expecting an answer… but I got one anyway!  Back and forth a few more times, and then her sponsor texted me with the “cease and desist” request, which I have honored.  I may be slow, and not be able to make sense of what I’m seeing all the time, but *that* came through loud and clear.

I feel really bad about all of it now.  I started out just wanting to offer support and friendship, as she was getting none at home (he was being a real SOB about it), and I got the distinct impression that she didn’t have many friends.  It was about her, and wanting to help her.  Somewhere along the way, it shifted and became about me, and my feelings, and what I wanted.  And then it went bad.  Funny… even entering into things, I had this ‘small still voice’ that seemed to be saying that she’d be gone at some point, that this wouldn’t last… so I saved all her emails and texts, feeling that one day they’d be all I’d have left of her.  I brood over whether to preserve them, or just delete them all and ‘move on.’  I just hate closing a door that there’s the chance might open again… goes against my nature.  I’m not a bridge-burner, never have been.  I’m loyal to a fault to people, places, and things; sheesh, I got teary over getting rid of an electric hand-mixer for a newer one, because it had fed our family for so many years, and it actually still worked… like throwing away a friend.

No, no anger at her loss – – I blame myself entirely for it.  Nothing there but sadness and regret.  Not her fault if I wasn’t ‘the one,’ or even anyone.  I will certainly take your suggestion that I be more open and direct in my feelings, should I develop any.  I’m not really looking… it found me, not the reverse.  But should lightning strike twice…  And that IS a good way to put it: I was ‘projecting’ my hopes and desires ‘onto’ her… entirely one-sided.  Seeing what I wanted to see, and sweeping under the rug anything that was uncomfortable or just didn’t fit my little fantasy.

Can’t really work up much anger at the VA, either; I can understand why they want local patients to stay local – – imagine the nightmare logistics trying to keep track of who’s seeing who, across States and time zones and all.  Plus, it would make billing a nightmare, I imagine (probably the main reason…)  Again, just a huge feeling of loss.  I hope I can continue to build on the foundation we created.  He seemed to think I’d be fine if I continued on as I have been, and he was right far more often than he was wrong, so I’ll just keep going.

I know, I do know that; nobody can save anybody else (something else I was trying to do for her… and trying to love her into loving herself…)  Only I can do what needs doing.  Others can only point the way, offer viewpoints from an outside view, not emotionally involved, and suggestions as to what might help… but putting it into practice is entirely up to me.  The old, “You can lead a horse to water…” I have to do the searching and examining and questioning – – nobody else can.

For the first time… I have chosen to sit with these difficult emotions, and let them run their course.  Sometimes I feel like I can see why I worked to hard to choke off all emotions… but emotions have something to say.  Killing the messenger and ignoring the message is not a very productive way to go through life, is it?  I worked through much of this with my therapist before he left, and what’s left is basically ‘cleaning up’ from the initial mess, and focusing on inner child work.  I didn’t link the feeling of being stalled with these consecutive losses (and the association with childhood losses).  I’m glad you showed me that… it will help going forward.

Again, my sincere thanks to you both!