Dear TeaK,

Thank you once again for you reply and thoughts on this issue,

Yeah as a i child i didnt feel compassion and understanding from my mother as she always blames me for making her stress due to not being able to eat… but she did try bringing me to a psychiatrist but it didnt work either. Until one day the school owner in my school try to help me as she has a degree in psychology. At that time i’m only eating porridge, but she try to persuade me to eat rice, with a baby spoon so i can swallow little by little… i tried and it’s taking too long for me to finish eating that time… until i saw a bottle of water there and try to swallow it with the water so i can hurry up. At that moment, i knew that it helped me swallow, then i try taking many spoons into my mouth and try swallowing it with water… and it worked. After that i tell my parents about it… and they feel really happy… idk how it happened, like as a 7 year old child i found myself a way with that water… i feel that if i dont found that method, maybe i’ll be more screwed up now… and i feel emotional typing this. As i bet no one on earth has encounter this kind of issue. Yeah but till now that swallowing issue still exists, but i still can survive eating anything as long as i have water for every spoon i take.

I think the problem of me struggling with my height is due to that my mother always force me to have good grades as a child… as she saw i have weakness in eating and i have to be better at something. And since then, i really dont wanna be left behind. And due to short height, i feel like i’m left behind with “people that i should be in front on”.

Also right now, as i’ve graduated… what i’m doing right now is helping my parents business… and i cant do anything to make people look highly of me. They just look at me as a person who works as “helper of his parents”.
Exactly like what u mentioned in the previous thread:

”Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.”

= And at the same time as people look at me as nothing special. which is someone who works as “helper of his parents business, my parents also treats me as a child and never gives me any important task, and due to that i feel less confident… i feel afraid that one day when i have to take a hard task in that business i’ll screw up. Actually i understand why they didnt give me any hard task, it’s because there is “employee” who do that task for our business, and if i take that task i’ll take his role and ruin his job. I’m really stuck in this situation…. as i really want my “future partner” later on to look up at me as a dependable man for her. As no one ever looked at me as dependable.. even my parents (because i cant eat properly since a child). But sometimes im also lazy… i think i should be more diligent. As sometimes my parents criticize me for being lazy, and its true

and also you said:

“Due to this trauma, you’re not eating properly and have a small, thin body. This makes you additionally ashamed of yourself, because it exacerbates your short height. You don’t want to workout either, I guess because it all seems pointless, so you’re staying in a vicious cycle of pitying yourself and blaming God for putting this misery upon you. And it makes things even worse when you hear some rather insensitive people say things like “you should eat a lot to have bigger body”. They don’t understand that you can’t eat more, because you have a problem with swallowing…”

= Yes, what you said is absolutely true i feel all seems pointless and im stuck in this cycle of pitying and blaming myself, especially when people who makes comments when they dont understand that i have a swallowing problem… i really want to find a solution to calm my brain about this issue, just like how i found the solution to help my swallowing… which is by drinking water.

and you also said:
“In those moments you hurt a lot, because it all seems so unfair, and no one understands how hard it is for you. But please know that I understand, and also, there are people out there – therapists and counselors – who’d understand too. Also, try to understand it yourself and have compassion for yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and it’s not your fault that you cannot solve it on your own. But there is help and you aren’t doomed.“

= Yes it’s so true… it all seems unfair and no one understands how hard is it for me… my parents always said that i should feel lucky that im born not struggling with money.. as our family economy is good. But i believe that not everything is viewed that way, they didnt know that i feel so much pain being short.

And yeah what you said is true… i bet psychologist will understand this issue and thanks for saying that it’s not my fault and i cant solve it on my own… but i still dont know who can help me with this. I really hope i can step by step solve this issue and feel happier day by day. Even though i also feel pessimistic as this is an irreversible issue (height) and also im a hard headed person…. but i always believe in hope.

Actually i feel that if i found a girl who loves me, i can feel a little better, because in the past when there is a girl who love me i seldom have any thoughts about this height issue…Because i feel that someone is loving me and wants to know me better regardless all my weaknesses.

Sorry if my explanations is so scrambled and confusing…

And what you’ve written above.. mostly are true i feel that you really read everything i said.. and you really understand how i felt. Thank you so much.