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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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  • #378635
    Felix
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi everyone,</p>
    So im going to need some advice regarding my height again. I know i’ve been posting lots of threads in here regarding my height.
    I’m really tired of my height, sometimes i can distract myself from thinking about it. But recently i went to the mall and saw people who’s younger than me (who used be shorter than me) are now taller than me… all my distraction of me in not thinking my height all this time is gone again.

    I’m so frustrated right… i know most people would say that i need to love myself, there are other things that i can show and height doesnt define who i am…. yeah i know.. i understand. But im the one who understands myself and i can say that i cant accept my height forever.. i can only distract it… as i go anywhere with always using thick soles sandals and shoes. But its just so frustrating to see that those younger people are now taller. It’s looks like i’ll always be inferior in “height” with most people.. and it’s irreversible.. it’s just so frustrating.
    Like everytime i see boys trying clothes in a clothing store.. as they have an average height-above… they’ll look good… whereas me.. i never feel happy buying clothes because of my short torso and legs.. i just buy clothes only for formality (because as a human i need them). This irreversible short height is just so frustrating. I just hate that i get this short height.. and its not my mistake to start with.

    I even feel like, if god really wants to make me disappear now. Im fine with it.

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Felix.
    #378641
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    in another thread you said you’re 5’5. Did you know that Dustin Hoffman is also 5’5, and Rob Schneider is 5’3? There are other famous actors who’re pretty short too, and it doesn’t stop them from thriving.

    I know your problems are of deeper nature, and you have a hard time accepting yourself and the life circumstances you’re in. Not being able to accept your height is just one aspect of that overall rejection of your life circumstances. So I don’t expect you’ll be satisfied or comforted by this piece of information about Dustin Hoffman…

     

    #378719
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you for replying and im grateful for ur advice.

    Yeah you’re right, im having a hard time accepting myself… like why do i have to feel jealousy everytime i see boys younger than me would grow up to be taller than me… i feel like it isnt my fault at all that im short like this.
    Like you can say for example, if older people dont work hard they can be surpassed easily by the younger ones.. and it could be their fault because they didnt work harder

    But in this height case, it’s not my fault at all.. and i can never reach those younger boys’ height, no effort can change that. I know that i can still be happy regardless my height, but i can never get that “good looking body in outfits”… i really cant… and its not my fault… so frustrating.

    I can never feel happy buying clothes in the mall… i bet no one understands how i feel.

    And what u said is true, those actors you mentioned doesnt let their heights from thriving… but my circumstances and surroundings are different than them…

    I even dont feel like touching my social media.. as sometimes i accidentally saw those young boys pic… and puberty hit them well…

    I know this sounds weird but i’d be okay if god let me disappear right now…

    #378724
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    it appears you were rejected as a child, and as a result, you’re now rejecting yourself and want to be taller, when it’s physically impossible. You’re in so much pain that you don’t even want to live. If you’d like, please describe a little bit what was the most painful about your childhood and in what ways you felt rejected.

    It also seems you feel injustice about the whole situation – so were there any instances where you were judged unfairly, while someone else in your family, perhaps a sibling, had it much easier without really deserving it?

    I am asking you this because this kind of self-rejection could be caused by a childhood wound, and if so, it’s crucial that you become aware of that wound…

    #378841
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for your reply, im very grateful.

    You said that it appears im rejecting myself, because i was rejected as a child. Well im not really sure if that’s the reason.
    Well as a child, i have a swallowing trauma which affects me till now, and i’m a person who dont likes to eat. I go on with my life with this swallowing trauma, as i cant swallow hard or many stuffs in my mouth without drinking water. As the water flushes it in to my throat (if u get what i mean). So everytime i take a bite/spoon into my mouth, i’ll need to drink water… i can swallow it without water, but it will took me a lot of time… as im afraid of swallowing. This happens to me as a child till now. And also i have a low sense of eating, i dont like to eat…

    Maybe this cause my short height? But still i dont think it’s my fault if i get a short height due to this. I didnt ask for this trauma, which maybe affects my nutrients to develop.

    And i’m a person who likes to show/brag to people if i’m good at something… that’s why i feel to frustrated in height as i cant brag about my height… as i cant show im wearing good outfits (as im short). No matter how good my outfit is, the length of that outfit will be short. It’s not wrong right for me to want to look good, as most humans do that… And this shorts height destroys everything regarding me looking good. Like i feel as a human being, i lost my option to look good..
    I always hope miracles could exist and my height suddenly grow 1-2 inch. But i know its impossible.

    I also always feel like i wont mind disappearing, as i feel inequality…

    #378842
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    you’re welcome. You say you’ve had trouble swallowing since you were a child. Do you remember (or have your parents told you) when it started happening first? Is it related to one specific incident, or it has developed gradually?

    It’s understandable you don’t like to eat, since it causes you problems with swallowing. But I don’t think it has any effect on your height. Your height was probably caused by your genes. How is it in your family? Are your parents/grandparents/siblings also of a smaller height?

    If you like to brag about things and show people how good you are, it indicates there’s an insecurity in you, a lack of self-esteem, and you need other people to affirm that indeed you’re good and worthy. If you were more sure of yourself, you wouldn’t need so much outer approval. It doesn’t make you a bad person, not in the least. It just means that in your childhood, you didn’t receive enough validation and appreciation, and that’s how your insecurity developed. I still think there must have happened some kind of rejection, even if ever so slight.

    For you, it’s painful and unbearable that you cannot brag about your height. Somehow you associate your worth with your height. Short height – low worth. Have you been teased a lot about your height? Or you saw that some taller guys have more success with girls, or something like that?

    You know how some girls attach their self-esteem to how thin they are? Well, it seems you’ve attached your self-esteem to your height. It’s pretty unfortunate because you can’t do much do become taller, a miracle won’t happen. So you’re stuck. However, if you could attach your self-esteem to something else rather than your height – you’d suddenly have a number of possibilities how to feel better about yourself. Your situation wouldn’t seem so hopeless any more.

    If you could say to yourself: I am good enough and lovable and amazing and special – just the way I am – life could be so much better.

    #378961
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying me and giving me ur thoughts.

    The swallowing problem started when i was a child, as a child i was lazy to eat.. and one day my maid who spoon feeds me forces me to eat and swallow, then i vomit.. which leads me to have swallowing problems till now. After than incident, i used to eat only porridge… until at age of 7 i found a way to aid me swallowing, which is by drinking water in every time i need to swallow.

    My dad is slightly taller than me, like only 3cm and my mother is short.. she’s 5 feet only. But still there are my friends who has shorter parents than mine… ended being taller than me… it doesnt make sense… if everything is fair i should be taller than them.

    And recently i feel so frustrated again, i meet a boy who’s still in junior highschool.. he used to be short and now he’s taller than me… which leads my brain to that frustrated thoughts again (why am i left behind, why do i being surpassed again… and i cant do anything about it). I remember this boys’ father is shorter than my dad.

    And yeah you’re right i have insecurities… but back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came… it develops till now… right now i feel so afraid going to anyone’s house as i have to walk barefoot, as i cant fake my height.. because when i go out i always wear sandals/shoes which has thick soles

    Yeah you’re right, i attached my self esteem with height. I would do anything to grow 5cm… like really anything. I wish i can show my feelings to people, as this height makes me feel so terrible. I just wish that i have anything in average, like average height, average looks…

    I know this sounds weird but, if i was born with this height, why didnt god make me a women, as this height is average for women…

     

    You said this:

    “However, if you could attach your self-esteem to something else rather than your height – you’d suddenly have a number of possibilities how to feel better about yourself. Your situation wouldn’t seem so hopeless any more.

    If you could say to yourself: I am good enough and lovable and amazing and special – just the way I am – life could be so much better.“

    =yeah i’ve been trying to solve this issue for years but i still cant solve it, i only can distract it… but the distraction will always fail.

    The part that makes this issue difficult to solve for me is because it’s “irreversible”.

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 17 hours ago by Felix.
    #378976
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    thanks for sharing some more about your life. It’s unfortunate that your baby sitter forcefully fed you, leading to a traumatic experience. May I ask how your parents reacted to this incident – did they have compassion for you? When you later refused or were unable to eat solid food, how did they react? Were they understanding of you?

    Good that you found a way to still help yourself, by drinking water. I think this kind of trauma could even be solved permanently, e.g. by using EMDR or EFT (tapping) techniques. You may look into it…

    About your insecurities, you say:

    back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came

    I believe your insecurities were present before too, but in a smaller measure, and they didn’t affect you too much. You perhaps weren’t even aware of them. They came out into the light in high school, when you entered puberty and other boys started growing faster than you. You remaining shorter than your peers was a trigger that activated your insecurity.

    But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

    Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

    This tells me you might have been criticized as a child and given the message that somehow you’re not capable enough, or in general not good enough. If a child is criticized a lot, they fail to develop self-confidence and many other skills, and they may indeed seem incapable later as adults. But it’s not really their fault, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. It’s just the conditioning and the message that they aren’t good enough that they internalize and start believing about themselves.

     

    #378994
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for your reply and thoughts.

    I dont really remember about that incident, as i think at that time im still 3 years old. What i can remember is that my mother use to get mad at me a lot for not being able to eat as it causes her a lot of stress and she’s worried of my future

    As for the technique you mentioned which might solve the trauma permanently, i’ll check it out. And also regarding this trauma issue of mine… do u think girls might reject me regarding this issue? As i’m different than normal people.

     

    You said:

    But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

    = Yeah i do get criticize a lot as a child for not being able to eat… but i dont think it causes my insecurities of height.

    I think it’s because i dont like how people have first impression on me due to this height. Like the first time most people look at me they’ll describe me as “short”… and i feel it’s a flaw.

    Like i remember one of my friends’ dad said to me when im eating at my friend’s house.. you should eat a lot to have bigger body… as you have a small built body.. like how can he said that to me? He didnt know my issue of having trauma and also i have very low appetite of eating… and he didnt need to remind me i have a small body. Also everytime i talk to my friend’s that im chasing this girl, there is a friend of mine saying this way “ohh she’s pretty, is she shorter than you?” Like why did he need to say that?
    Now i have low confidence in chasing girls, like i’m still try thinking a way to fake my height when i enter someone house later on… as i need to go barefoot…. but there isnt any way to fake it…

    I also remember everytime my parents introduce me to some of their acquaintances, they’ll have that first impression look that i really hate, it’s like they are judging my height.

    I really just want people to have first impression on me as “an average boy” not the “short boy”.

    But i always felt that if i finally found myself a girl who loves me, i can feel better on this height self esteem… as i will have thoughts that she has accepted me… that’s why right now im so desperately looking for a girl (but unfortunately i never had a girlfriend).

    You also said:

    Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

    = Yeah i feel they treat me like a child, due to i used to have difficulties in eating… especially my mother…

    And regarding my father who criticize me, my mother used to say he did that because im a guy and needs to be a responsible man. But i still dont think being strict like that is a good way, as it leads to have communications problem with the children. Due to that i used to not talk to my dad.
    But right now my relationship with my dad is getting better, it occurs after both of us argue on that day… i cried on that day while arguing with him and my mother stood up for me that day and talk to my dad he shouldnt criticize me a lot…and after that argument i use to talk to him daily now like he suddenly changed his behaviour on me, like right now i talk with him about tips regarding working.. but i still cant have like dad and son bond with him as it feels weird.

    Sorry for the long explanation… i feel like talking about everything that i can think of regarding this matter.

    #379014
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    What i can remember is that my mother use to get mad at me a lot for not being able to eat as it causes her a lot of stress and she’s worried of my future

    This means you didn’t feel compassion and understanding from your mother, but instead she was angry at you and condemned you for not being able to eat properly. She didn’t realize that a trauma caused it, and blamed you for behaving in a way that causes her stress and worry. So she blamed you for causing her stress and worry – and that’s a pretty big burden for a child to carry.

    And since you couldn’t help yourself – the fear of swallowing was bigger – you felt helpless and also you felt it’s unfair because it’s not your fault. Later you had those same thoughts about your height – you feel it’s unfair that you’re short because it’s not your fault. It seems like you forgot the original trauma, which originally caused your misery, and blamed it all on your height.

    Your mother could have sought the help of a child psychologist to help you with your trauma, but instead she just kept blaming you. Later, at the age of 7, you learned how to help yourself by drinking water with your food, but the discomfort and the fear of swallowing is still there.

    I believe this trauma could be worked with, you’re not helpless and it doesn’t need to stay like that forever. But the first thing you’d need to do is to have compassion for that 3-year old boy who was forcefully fed, and probably felt he was choking and then threw up. You’d need to have compassion for that same boy who was later accused by his mother for behaving stupidly and causing her stress and worry. Try to understand that it wasn’t your fault, you were simply a little child who got really scared that you’d choke to death, and this fear and trauma was never properly treated. That’s why it’s been haunting you till this day…

    Due to this trauma, you’re not eating properly and have a small, thin body. This makes you additionally ashamed of yourself, because it exacerbates your short height. You don’t want to workout either, I guess because it all seems pointless, so you’re staying in a vicious cycle of pitying yourself and blaming God for putting this misery upon you. And it makes things even worse when you hear some rather insensitive people say things like “you should eat a lot to have bigger body”. They don’t understand that you can’t eat more, because you have a problem with swallowing…

    In those moments you hurt a lot, because it all seems so unfair, and no one understands how hard it is for you. But please know that I understand, and also, there are people out there – therapists and counselors – who’d understand too. Also, try to understand it yourself and have compassion for yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and it’s not your fault that you cannot solve it on your own. But there is help and you aren’t doomed.

    How do you feel about what I’ve just written? Does it seem true to you?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 20 hours ago by TeaK.
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