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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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  • #378635
    Felix
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi everyone,</p>
    So im going to need some advice regarding my height again. I know i’ve been posting lots of threads in here regarding my height.
    I’m really tired of my height, sometimes i can distract myself from thinking about it. But recently i went to the mall and saw people who’s younger than me (who used be shorter than me) are now taller than me… all my distraction of me in not thinking my height all this time is gone again.

    I’m so frustrated right… i know most people would say that i need to love myself, there are other things that i can show and height doesnt define who i am…. yeah i know.. i understand. But im the one who understands myself and i can say that i cant accept my height forever.. i can only distract it… as i go anywhere with always using thick soles sandals and shoes. But its just so frustrating to see that those younger people are now taller. It’s looks like i’ll always be inferior in “height” with most people.. and it’s irreversible.. it’s just so frustrating.
    Like everytime i see boys trying clothes in a clothing store.. as they have an average height-above… they’ll look good… whereas me.. i never feel happy buying clothes because of my short torso and legs.. i just buy clothes only for formality (because as a human i need them). This irreversible short height is just so frustrating. I just hate that i get this short height.. and its not my mistake to start with.

    I even feel like, if god really wants to make me disappear now. Im fine with it.

    • This topic was modified 3 months ago by Felix.
    #378641
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    in another thread you said you’re 5’5. Did you know that Dustin Hoffman is also 5’5, and Rob Schneider is 5’3? There are other famous actors who’re pretty short too, and it doesn’t stop them from thriving.

    I know your problems are of deeper nature, and you have a hard time accepting yourself and the life circumstances you’re in. Not being able to accept your height is just one aspect of that overall rejection of your life circumstances. So I don’t expect you’ll be satisfied or comforted by this piece of information about Dustin Hoffman…

     

    #378719
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you for replying and im grateful for ur advice.

    Yeah you’re right, im having a hard time accepting myself… like why do i have to feel jealousy everytime i see boys younger than me would grow up to be taller than me… i feel like it isnt my fault at all that im short like this.
    Like you can say for example, if older people dont work hard they can be surpassed easily by the younger ones.. and it could be their fault because they didnt work harder

    But in this height case, it’s not my fault at all.. and i can never reach those younger boys’ height, no effort can change that. I know that i can still be happy regardless my height, but i can never get that “good looking body in outfits”… i really cant… and its not my fault… so frustrating.

    I can never feel happy buying clothes in the mall… i bet no one understands how i feel.

    And what u said is true, those actors you mentioned doesnt let their heights from thriving… but my circumstances and surroundings are different than them…

    I even dont feel like touching my social media.. as sometimes i accidentally saw those young boys pic… and puberty hit them well…

    I know this sounds weird but i’d be okay if god let me disappear right now…

    #378724
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    it appears you were rejected as a child, and as a result, you’re now rejecting yourself and want to be taller, when it’s physically impossible. You’re in so much pain that you don’t even want to live. If you’d like, please describe a little bit what was the most painful about your childhood and in what ways you felt rejected.

    It also seems you feel injustice about the whole situation – so were there any instances where you were judged unfairly, while someone else in your family, perhaps a sibling, had it much easier without really deserving it?

    I am asking you this because this kind of self-rejection could be caused by a childhood wound, and if so, it’s crucial that you become aware of that wound…

    #378841
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for your reply, im very grateful.

    You said that it appears im rejecting myself, because i was rejected as a child. Well im not really sure if that’s the reason.
    Well as a child, i have a swallowing trauma which affects me till now, and i’m a person who dont likes to eat. I go on with my life with this swallowing trauma, as i cant swallow hard or many stuffs in my mouth without drinking water. As the water flushes it in to my throat (if u get what i mean). So everytime i take a bite/spoon into my mouth, i’ll need to drink water… i can swallow it without water, but it will took me a lot of time… as im afraid of swallowing. This happens to me as a child till now. And also i have a low sense of eating, i dont like to eat…

    Maybe this cause my short height? But still i dont think it’s my fault if i get a short height due to this. I didnt ask for this trauma, which maybe affects my nutrients to develop.

    And i’m a person who likes to show/brag to people if i’m good at something… that’s why i feel to frustrated in height as i cant brag about my height… as i cant show im wearing good outfits (as im short). No matter how good my outfit is, the length of that outfit will be short. It’s not wrong right for me to want to look good, as most humans do that… And this shorts height destroys everything regarding me looking good. Like i feel as a human being, i lost my option to look good..
    I always hope miracles could exist and my height suddenly grow 1-2 inch. But i know its impossible.

    I also always feel like i wont mind disappearing, as i feel inequality…

    #378842
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    you’re welcome. You say you’ve had trouble swallowing since you were a child. Do you remember (or have your parents told you) when it started happening first? Is it related to one specific incident, or it has developed gradually?

    It’s understandable you don’t like to eat, since it causes you problems with swallowing. But I don’t think it has any effect on your height. Your height was probably caused by your genes. How is it in your family? Are your parents/grandparents/siblings also of a smaller height?

    If you like to brag about things and show people how good you are, it indicates there’s an insecurity in you, a lack of self-esteem, and you need other people to affirm that indeed you’re good and worthy. If you were more sure of yourself, you wouldn’t need so much outer approval. It doesn’t make you a bad person, not in the least. It just means that in your childhood, you didn’t receive enough validation and appreciation, and that’s how your insecurity developed. I still think there must have happened some kind of rejection, even if ever so slight.

    For you, it’s painful and unbearable that you cannot brag about your height. Somehow you associate your worth with your height. Short height – low worth. Have you been teased a lot about your height? Or you saw that some taller guys have more success with girls, or something like that?

    You know how some girls attach their self-esteem to how thin they are? Well, it seems you’ve attached your self-esteem to your height. It’s pretty unfortunate because you can’t do much do become taller, a miracle won’t happen. So you’re stuck. However, if you could attach your self-esteem to something else rather than your height – you’d suddenly have a number of possibilities how to feel better about yourself. Your situation wouldn’t seem so hopeless any more.

    If you could say to yourself: I am good enough and lovable and amazing and special – just the way I am – life could be so much better.

    #378961
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying me and giving me ur thoughts.

    The swallowing problem started when i was a child, as a child i was lazy to eat.. and one day my maid who spoon feeds me forces me to eat and swallow, then i vomit.. which leads me to have swallowing problems till now. After than incident, i used to eat only porridge… until at age of 7 i found a way to aid me swallowing, which is by drinking water in every time i need to swallow.

    My dad is slightly taller than me, like only 3cm and my mother is short.. she’s 5 feet only. But still there are my friends who has shorter parents than mine… ended being taller than me… it doesnt make sense… if everything is fair i should be taller than them.

    And recently i feel so frustrated again, i meet a boy who’s still in junior highschool.. he used to be short and now he’s taller than me… which leads my brain to that frustrated thoughts again (why am i left behind, why do i being surpassed again… and i cant do anything about it). I remember this boys’ father is shorter than my dad.

    And yeah you’re right i have insecurities… but back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came… it develops till now… right now i feel so afraid going to anyone’s house as i have to walk barefoot, as i cant fake my height.. because when i go out i always wear sandals/shoes which has thick soles

    Yeah you’re right, i attached my self esteem with height. I would do anything to grow 5cm… like really anything. I wish i can show my feelings to people, as this height makes me feel so terrible. I just wish that i have anything in average, like average height, average looks…

    I know this sounds weird but, if i was born with this height, why didnt god make me a women, as this height is average for women…

     

    You said this:

    “However, if you could attach your self-esteem to something else rather than your height – you’d suddenly have a number of possibilities how to feel better about yourself. Your situation wouldn’t seem so hopeless any more.

    If you could say to yourself: I am good enough and lovable and amazing and special – just the way I am – life could be so much better.“

    =yeah i’ve been trying to solve this issue for years but i still cant solve it, i only can distract it… but the distraction will always fail.

    The part that makes this issue difficult to solve for me is because it’s “irreversible”.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Felix.
    #378976
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    thanks for sharing some more about your life. It’s unfortunate that your baby sitter forcefully fed you, leading to a traumatic experience. May I ask how your parents reacted to this incident – did they have compassion for you? When you later refused or were unable to eat solid food, how did they react? Were they understanding of you?

    Good that you found a way to still help yourself, by drinking water. I think this kind of trauma could even be solved permanently, e.g. by using EMDR or EFT (tapping) techniques. You may look into it…

    About your insecurities, you say:

    back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came

    I believe your insecurities were present before too, but in a smaller measure, and they didn’t affect you too much. You perhaps weren’t even aware of them. They came out into the light in high school, when you entered puberty and other boys started growing faster than you. You remaining shorter than your peers was a trigger that activated your insecurity.

    But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

    Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

    This tells me you might have been criticized as a child and given the message that somehow you’re not capable enough, or in general not good enough. If a child is criticized a lot, they fail to develop self-confidence and many other skills, and they may indeed seem incapable later as adults. But it’s not really their fault, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. It’s just the conditioning and the message that they aren’t good enough that they internalize and start believing about themselves.

     

    #378994
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for your reply and thoughts.

    I dont really remember about that incident, as i think at that time im still 3 years old. What i can remember is that my mother use to get mad at me a lot for not being able to eat as it causes her a lot of stress and she’s worried of my future

    As for the technique you mentioned which might solve the trauma permanently, i’ll check it out. And also regarding this trauma issue of mine… do u think girls might reject me regarding this issue? As i’m different than normal people.

     

    You said:

    But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

    = Yeah i do get criticize a lot as a child for not being able to eat… but i dont think it causes my insecurities of height.

    I think it’s because i dont like how people have first impression on me due to this height. Like the first time most people look at me they’ll describe me as “short”… and i feel it’s a flaw.

    Like i remember one of my friends’ dad said to me when im eating at my friend’s house.. you should eat a lot to have bigger body… as you have a small built body.. like how can he said that to me? He didnt know my issue of having trauma and also i have very low appetite of eating… and he didnt need to remind me i have a small body. Also everytime i talk to my friend’s that im chasing this girl, there is a friend of mine saying this way “ohh she’s pretty, is she shorter than you?” Like why did he need to say that?
    Now i have low confidence in chasing girls, like i’m still try thinking a way to fake my height when i enter someone house later on… as i need to go barefoot…. but there isnt any way to fake it…

    I also remember everytime my parents introduce me to some of their acquaintances, they’ll have that first impression look that i really hate, it’s like they are judging my height.

    I really just want people to have first impression on me as “an average boy” not the “short boy”.

    But i always felt that if i finally found myself a girl who loves me, i can feel better on this height self esteem… as i will have thoughts that she has accepted me… that’s why right now im so desperately looking for a girl (but unfortunately i never had a girlfriend).

    You also said:

    Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

    = Yeah i feel they treat me like a child, due to i used to have difficulties in eating… especially my mother…

    And regarding my father who criticize me, my mother used to say he did that because im a guy and needs to be a responsible man. But i still dont think being strict like that is a good way, as it leads to have communications problem with the children. Due to that i used to not talk to my dad.
    But right now my relationship with my dad is getting better, it occurs after both of us argue on that day… i cried on that day while arguing with him and my mother stood up for me that day and talk to my dad he shouldnt criticize me a lot…and after that argument i use to talk to him daily now like he suddenly changed his behaviour on me, like right now i talk with him about tips regarding working.. but i still cant have like dad and son bond with him as it feels weird.

    Sorry for the long explanation… i feel like talking about everything that i can think of regarding this matter.

    #379014
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    What i can remember is that my mother use to get mad at me a lot for not being able to eat as it causes her a lot of stress and she’s worried of my future

    This means you didn’t feel compassion and understanding from your mother, but instead she was angry at you and condemned you for not being able to eat properly. She didn’t realize that a trauma caused it, and blamed you for behaving in a way that causes her stress and worry. So she blamed you for causing her stress and worry – and that’s a pretty big burden for a child to carry.

    And since you couldn’t help yourself – the fear of swallowing was bigger – you felt helpless and also you felt it’s unfair because it’s not your fault. Later you had those same thoughts about your height – you feel it’s unfair that you’re short because it’s not your fault. It seems like you forgot the original trauma, which originally caused your misery, and blamed it all on your height.

    Your mother could have sought the help of a child psychologist to help you with your trauma, but instead she just kept blaming you. Later, at the age of 7, you learned how to help yourself by drinking water with your food, but the discomfort and the fear of swallowing is still there.

    I believe this trauma could be worked with, you’re not helpless and it doesn’t need to stay like that forever. But the first thing you’d need to do is to have compassion for that 3-year old boy who was forcefully fed, and probably felt he was choking and then threw up. You’d need to have compassion for that same boy who was later accused by his mother for behaving stupidly and causing her stress and worry. Try to understand that it wasn’t your fault, you were simply a little child who got really scared that you’d choke to death, and this fear and trauma was never properly treated. That’s why it’s been haunting you till this day…

    Due to this trauma, you’re not eating properly and have a small, thin body. This makes you additionally ashamed of yourself, because it exacerbates your short height. You don’t want to workout either, I guess because it all seems pointless, so you’re staying in a vicious cycle of pitying yourself and blaming God for putting this misery upon you. And it makes things even worse when you hear some rather insensitive people say things like “you should eat a lot to have bigger body”. They don’t understand that you can’t eat more, because you have a problem with swallowing…

    In those moments you hurt a lot, because it all seems so unfair, and no one understands how hard it is for you. But please know that I understand, and also, there are people out there – therapists and counselors – who’d understand too. Also, try to understand it yourself and have compassion for yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and it’s not your fault that you cannot solve it on your own. But there is help and you aren’t doomed.

    How do you feel about what I’ve just written? Does it seem true to you?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #379505
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for you reply and thoughts on this issue,

     

    Yeah as a i child i didnt feel compassion and understanding from my mother as she always blames me for making her stress due to not being able to eat… but she did try bringing me to a psychiatrist but it didnt work either. Until one day the school owner in my school try to help me as she has a degree in psychology. At that time i’m only eating porridge, but she try to persuade me to eat rice, with a baby spoon so i can swallow little by little… i tried and it’s taking too long for me to finish eating that time… until i saw a bottle of water there and try to swallow it with the water so i can hurry up. At that moment, i knew that it helped me swallow, then i try taking many spoons into my mouth and try swallowing it with water… and it worked. After that i tell my parents about it… and they feel really happy… idk how it happened, like as a 7 year old child i found myself a way with that water… i feel that if i dont found that method, maybe i’ll be more screwed up now… and i feel emotional typing this. As i bet no one on earth has encounter this kind of issue. Yeah but till now that swallowing issue still exists, but i still can survive eating anything as long as i have water for every spoon i take.

    I think the problem of me struggling with my height is due to that my mother always force me to have good grades as a child… as she saw i have weakness in eating and i have to be better at something. And since then, i really dont wanna be left behind. And due to short height, i feel like i’m left behind with “people that i should be in front on”.

    Also right now, as i’ve graduated… what i’m doing right now is helping my parents business… and i cant do anything to make people look highly of me. They just look at me as a person who works as “helper of his parents”.
    Exactly like what u mentioned in the previous thread:

    ”Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.”

    = And at the same time as people look at me as nothing special. which is someone who works as “helper of his parents business, my parents also treats me as a child and never gives me any important task, and due to that i feel less confident… i feel afraid that one day when i have to take a hard task in that business i’ll screw up. Actually i understand why they didnt give me any hard task, it’s because there is “employee” who do that task for our business, and if i take that task i’ll take his role and ruin his job. I’m really stuck in this situation…. as i really want my “future partner” later on to look up at me as a dependable man for her. As no one ever looked at me as dependable.. even my parents (because i cant eat properly since a child). But sometimes im also lazy… i think i should be more diligent. As sometimes my parents criticize me for being lazy, and its true

     

    and also you said:

    “Due to this trauma, you’re not eating properly and have a small, thin body. This makes you additionally ashamed of yourself, because it exacerbates your short height. You don’t want to workout either, I guess because it all seems pointless, so you’re staying in a vicious cycle of pitying yourself and blaming God for putting this misery upon you. And it makes things even worse when you hear some rather insensitive people say things like “you should eat a lot to have bigger body”. They don’t understand that you can’t eat more, because you have a problem with swallowing…”

    = Yes, what you said is absolutely true i feel all seems pointless and im stuck in this cycle of pitying and blaming myself, especially when people who makes comments when they dont understand that i have a swallowing problem… i really want to find a solution to calm my brain about this issue, just like how i found the solution to help my swallowing… which is by drinking water.

     

    and you also said:
    “In those moments you hurt a lot, because it all seems so unfair, and no one understands how hard it is for you. But please know that I understand, and also, there are people out there – therapists and counselors – who’d understand too. Also, try to understand it yourself and have compassion for yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and it’s not your fault that you cannot solve it on your own. But there is help and you aren’t doomed.“

    = Yes it’s so true… it all seems unfair and no one understands how hard is it for me… my parents always said that i should feel lucky that im born not struggling with money.. as our family economy is good. But i believe that not everything is viewed that way, they didnt know that i feel so much pain being short.

    And yeah what you said is true… i bet psychologist will understand this issue and thanks for saying that it’s not my fault and i cant solve it on my own… but i still dont know who can help me with this. I really hope i can step by step solve this issue and feel happier day by day. Even though i also feel pessimistic as this is an irreversible issue (height) and also im a hard headed person…. but i always believe in hope.

    Actually i feel that if i found a girl who loves me, i can feel a little better, because in the past when there is a girl who love me i seldom have any thoughts about this height issue…Because i feel that someone is loving me and wants to know me better regardless all my weaknesses.

    Sorry if my explanations is so scrambled and confusing…

    And what you’ve written above.. mostly are true i feel that you really read everything i said.. and you really understand how i felt. Thank you so much.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Felix.
    #379552
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    you’re very welcome, I am glad you feel heard and understood.

    As a 7 year old child i found myself a way with that water… i feel that if i dont found that method, maybe i’ll be more screwed up now… and i feel emotional typing this.

    It shows you were a resourceful and smart kid. You solved your own problem when the adults, including psychologists, couldn’t for full 4 years. Thanks to that, you can now eat almost anything, as long as you drink water with it. That’s not a small success! In the next phase, you can try techniques such as EMDR and EFT (tapping) because they are supposed to work with these types of traumas. Look it up if there’s a therapist who applies EMDR or an EFT practitioner in your area and inquire if they can treat a problem with swallowing.

    Rest assured you’re not the only one in the world with this problem. There are people who can’t swallow either due to physical or psychological issues, and I am sure you could find them online if you’re interested. But you’re definitely not the only one, don’t worry.

    I think the problem of me struggling with my height is due to that my mother always force me to have good grades as a child… as she saw i have weakness in eating and i have to be better at something. And since then, i really dont wanna be left behind. And due to short height, i feel like i’m left behind with “people that i should be in front on”.

    It appears you felt deficient, and your mother treated you as there were something wrong with you. You felt like a failure because you couldn’t meet her expectations about eating. Maybe she was telling you something like “I am so sad about you not eating, I worry about your future. What will become of you? At least you should study well and have good grades. If you had good grades, I wouldn’t worry so much.”

    I imagine she had this aura of disappointment and worry about you (the opposite of eagerness and having faith in you), which can destroy a child’s motivation. A child’s self-confidence. If you’re a disappointment, why bother with anything? Why bother with school, with good grades, when you’ll never be good enough for your mother. That’s how a child is reasoning. Why bother with sports either… and so you become lazy and unmotivated. You become someone you’re not proud of, neither are your parents proud of.

    But it’s the result of how you were seen by your mother. It’s the result of her seeing you like a disappointment and a reason to worry. And then you started seeing yourself like a disappointment too, and behaving like a disappointment too.

    How did you do in school? And later at the university? Did you have good grades, or not so much? What did you study – is it something relevant for your father’s business? Is there a position in your father’s company that interests you the most? I am asking because you could help and work beside the employee who’s currently filling that position, and learn how to do it well, so you can take it over sometime in the future.

    As you’re helping in the company, you may also be noticing what needs improvement, and can suggest ideas for improvement to your father. What I am trying to say is that if you’re interested in continuing your father’s business, you can start thinking about how to improve it, modernize it, expand it, innovate it etc… you could bring your personal stamp and contribution to the business. You might be surprised how resourceful and creative you are – just like that 7-year old kid who saw a bottle of water!

    When you stop seeing yourself as a disappointment, but as full of potential – things will start changing for you. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can get rid of the “I am a disappointment” label, and put another one: “I am smart, creative and resourceful – I am full of great ideas”?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #379631
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you again for your reply on my previous threads,

     

    You said:

    “It shows you were a resourceful and smart kid. You solved your own problem when the adults, including psychologists, couldn’t for full 4 years. Thanks to that, you can now eat almost anything, as long as you drink water with it. That’s not a small success! In the next phase, you can try techniques such as EMDR and EFT (tapping) because they are supposed to work with these types of traumas. Look it up if there’s a therapist who applies EMDR or an EFT practitioner in your area and inquire if they can treat a problem with swallowing.”

    = Thank you for complimenting me as a resourceful kid, although at that time i dont really think about the water… the method just suddenly appeared in my head. And also thanks for sharing regarding the therapy techniques, i’ll try checking it out and research if there’s a suitable therapist.

     

    You said:

    “Rest assured you’re not the only one in the world with this problem. There are people who can’t swallow either due to physical or psychological issues, and I am sure you could find them online if you’re interested. But you’re definitely not the only one, don’t worry.”

    = Yep, i’ve tried finding some on youtube… and yeah there are also people with this issue…

     

    You said”

    “But it’s the result of how you were seen by your mother. It’s the result of her seeing you like a disappointment and a reason to worry. And then you started seeing yourself like a disappointment too, and behaving like a disappointment too.”

    = Yeah she keeps regarding me as “a reason to worry”, tbh because she keeps doing everything for me… you could say that i’m now a “coward”… i have difficulties in being confident. But i didnt blame her, as i know she contributes more on my life than my father.

    My father is so introverted and he’s a disciplined person (most of his employees in the office respected him), but he’s always serious, like no fun and at all, and that he doesn’t took care on child matters in his family …he left it to my mother., well he does talk with me and my little sister, but it’s just that he’s a “no fun dad” like the “strict dad” type… idk if he feels that being strict is a good way to discipline his kids… well you could say he’s doing great on making us discipline… like when we met older people we’d greet with respect but he never tries anything to make his family fun. I feel so irritated everytime i saw my friend’s instagram story on several events such as mothers day/fathers day. Like they posted a video of them laughing with their parents. Well our family do celebrate it but it’s just that we only eat together as a family and that’s it… my dad doesnt even try to make the event fun like giving my mom a cake and then smiled… weird right? Like even if he’s introverted and disciplined.. why can’t he do that? My dad isnt in good terms with his siblings and my mother is an only child… and on chinese new year most families gather… but we don’t… only 4 of us (me, my sister and my parents). Like how lonely can our family be? Only 4 person, and combined with no fun dad at all. Most people look forward in this kind of events, but i can never enjoyed it.

    My father does well in his job and he’s successful, i respected him as the head of my family. But i can never talk deeply regarding my feelings… like it wont happen ever. Tbh i’ll feel “disgusted”… because it feels weird… never talk deeply since i was a kid. So i only talk deep feelings with my mother, because although she feels worried all the time about me.. but i feel closer to her.

     

    You said:

    “How did you do in school? And later at the university? Did you have good grades, or not so much? What did you study – is it something relevant for your father’s business? Is there a position in your father’s company that interests you the most? I am asking because you could help and work beside the employee who’s currently filling that position, and learn how to do it well, so you can take it over sometime in the future.

    As you’re helping in the company, you may also be noticing what needs improvement, and can suggest ideas for improvement to your father. What I am trying to say is that if you’re interested in continuing your father’s business, you can start thinking about how to improve it, modernize it, expand it, innovate it etc… you could bring your personal stamp and contribution to the business. You might be surprised how resourceful and creative you are – just like that 7-year old kid who saw a bottle of water!”

    = As in university, you could say that i’m an average student with an average score. I took business management degree as it’s requested by my parents and also because at that time i couldnt decide what degree i should take. Tbh there isnt any position in his company that i’m interested on as there’s not much roles in the company.

    My father also owns an aquarium and fish shop and is successful, and one day he’ll inherit it to me… but most of the people i know, even many of my acquaintances like to make fun of fish…. and i feel shy to tell anyone i have an aquarium shop… and if i inherit it later on, i need to make sure many people know about that shop right? The shop is successful and i feel lucky that i can inherit it… but it’s that embarassment… i just cant. What if there’s a girl who also make fun of aquarium and fish, will she reject me because of this shop?

     

    You said:

    “When you stop seeing yourself as a disappointment, but as full of potential – things will start changing for you. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can get rid of the “I am a disappointment” label, and put another one: “I am smart, creative and resourceful – I am full of great ideas”?”

    = Yeah i can distract me mind into thinking that “I am smart, creative and resourceful – I am full of great ideas”, but i’m still not sure if i can hold it for long… because all my flaws are inevitable like e.g. my introverted dad and regarding this lonely family every time on events.

    But still i would follow your tips and will try my best to stop thinking myself as a dissapointment… as not many people wanna hear my thoughts.. and you keep giving me solutions on my issue… it’s definitely a mood booster !

     

     

     

     

    #379728
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I am glad that those affirmations lifted your mood, at least for a short while.

    not many people wanna hear my thoughts.

    Actually, I enjoyed reading your last post, where you talked some more about your family, your father’s business, and your own dilemmas and feelings about it. You have valuable thoughts. As you’re accepting the idea that you’re not a lost case and you’re not focused only on one thing which you cannot change, but are open to explore things that you can change, you’re getting more in touch with your true self. And your true self has many valuable things to share and contribute, and you’re already doing it here.

    Yeah she keeps regarding me as “a reason to worry”, tbh because she keeps doing everything for me… you could say that i’m now a “coward”… i have difficulties in being confident. But i didnt blame her, as i know she contributes more on my life than my father.

    I can relate to what you said about your mother. My mother was/is the same: in her eyes I am a reason to worry. She never had faith in me (not because there was anything wrong with me, but because of her own fearful nature), and she brought me up with that notion. If the parent sees us as weak, incapable, “a reason to worry”, they’ll do things instead of us, which will weaken us even further. And we too will start believing we’re weak and incapable.

    Even if your mother was emotionally more open and receptive, and you could talk to her about your issues, she’s made you feel weak and like a disappointment. She didn’t do you a favor by doing things for and instead of you, treating you like a baby. A better favor would have been if she would have encouraged you and told you “I know you can do it, I have faith in you”. But worrying mothers are like that – they worry too much and it makes us even weaker.

    As for your father, it’s hard to grow up with a father who never smiles, never has fun, but to whom it’s all about work, work, work. He has a strong sense of duty and responsibility, and his main motivation seems to be to provide for his family, to enable you and your sister comfortable lives. He even told you you should be lucky not to have money issues, so for him, material security seems to be the top priority.

    Unfortunately he doesn’t understand that children need much more than material comfort. They need their emotional needs met too, and your father couldn’t support you there. No wonder, since he never talks about his emotions, he’s closed off, isn’t in good relations with his family…

    He might not be able or willing to change, but you can change, and perhaps with time, when you don’t feel intimidated by him any more, you might even approach him, talk to him, show interest in him and his garden… i.e. give him what he couldn’t give to you. But it can only happen when you feel good enough with yourself, when you’ve built your self-confidence and self-esteem. You don’t need to force contact with him, but do it only if it feels spontaneous and sincere. And not now, but some day in the future.

    My father also owns an aquarium and fish shop and is successful, and one day he’ll inherit it to me… but most of the people i know, even many of my acquaintances like to make fun of fish…. and i feel shy to tell anyone i have an aquarium shop…

    I think aquariums are so cool – they lift up every space. They can be sold to office buildings, cafeterias, other places where customers come, because they always give such a nice atmosphere. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about aquariums – they’re really a fancy thing, and can be used to enhance many commercial spaces, not just private homes.

    As for the fish shop – well fish is super healthy, the only problem is the smell, but where I live, people appreciate fish, it’s part of a healthy diet. For me, it feels so nutritious to eat fish, much more than meet. I see fish as noble food. I don’t know why your friends make fun of it, but you have all the reasons to be proud of owning a fish shop some day, because fish is good and healthy.

    I don’t know if this helps you look at it differently? When you develop more self-confidence, you’ll be able to feel better about your father’s business too, or about any job you do, provided you do it honestly. It’s the lack of self-esteem that fuels those insecure thoughts and the need of approval – even by some silly acquaintances of yours whom you shouldn’t listen to whatsoever. When you’re self-confident, you can just laugh at them and enjoy the success of your flourishing businesses.

     

    #379738
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you for replying on my thoughts again. I feel so happy you enjoyed reading my last post… because as a person who’s used to lack of attention, i feel so grateful that you enjoyed reading my thoughts. As every time i talk to anyone, i tend to be a “nice person” and hearing their thoughts and i never really able to share my thoughts with most people… because it’ll mostly end up with them “not giving any attention” to my thoughts…. it’s always like that, the topic is always about them but not me (even with my close friends)… but right now im starting to learn to be more assertive.

     

    You said:

    “Even if your mother was emotionally more open and receptive, and you could talk to her about your issues, she’s made you feel weak and like a disappointment. She didn’t do you a favor by doing things for and instead of you, treating you like a baby. A better favor would have been if she would have encouraged you and told you “I know you can do it, I have faith in you”. But worrying mothers are like that – they worry too much and it makes us even weaker.

    = Yes my mom has made me feel weak and unconfident, she even said that when i get married later on i’ll have a room in our new house (the new house is going to built soon). I dont really mind living with them, as i dont have to think about the foods and chores later on…. and also i think if i live alone with my wife later on… with only the two of us, isnt the house going to be so lonely? Do u think with my mother’s personality, could it cause a conflict with my future wife later on? (idk if i’m thinking too far regarding this, as i havent even find myself a girlfriend).

    And also regarding my future wife later on, do u think she could feel bad being with me that my family is so lonely… like my mom has no siblings.. and my father isnt in good relationship with his siblings that he dont come together for reunion with them.

     

     

    You said:

    “Unfortunately he doesn’t understand that children need much more than material comfort. They need their emotional needs met too, and your father couldn’t support you there. No wonder, since he never talks about his emotions, he’s closed off, isn’t in good relations with his family…

    He might not be able or willing to change, but you can change, and perhaps with time, when you don’t feel intimidated by him any more, you might even approach him, talk to him, show interest in him and his garden… i.e. give him what he couldn’t give to you. But it can only happen when you feel good enough with yourself, when you’ve built your self-confidence and self-esteem. You don’t need to force contact with him, but do it only if it feels spontaneous and sincere. And not now, but some day in the future.”

    = Yes i believe it’s also the reason… because he never talks about his emotions that he isnt in good relations with his family… i used to think that most fathers are like this, but i was wrong when i saw most of my friends father are open with their emotions… like they can laugh and crake a joke unlike my father. Due to he never talks about his emotions, i think it affected me that i have a very weak communications skills and im introverted…

    But he can do business successfully  without being communicative because he has a leadership trait and high sense of responsibility… making most people respected him. Whereas i dont have both (the leadership trait and good communication skills)…

     

     

    You said:

    “I think aquariums are so cool – they lift up every space. They can be sold to office buildings, cafeterias, other places where customers come, because they always give such a nice atmosphere. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about aquariums – they’re really a fancy thing, and can be used to enhance many commercial spaces, not just private homes.

    As for the fish shop – well fish is super healthy, the only problem is the smell, but where I live, people appreciate fish, it’s part of a healthy diet. For me, it feels so nutritious to eat fish, much more than meet. I see fish as noble food. I don’t know why your friends make fun of it, but you have all the reasons to be proud of owning a fish shop some day, because fish is good and healthy.”

    = Sorry for saying fish shop, what i mean is an aquarium shop that sells aquarium and fish in aquarium. We didnt sell fish to eat… it’s only an aquarium shop, sorry to confuse you.

    And yeah thanks for saying that aquariums are cool… i never heard my friends saying that… for them it’s a funny thing idk why.. maybe because it’s related to “fish”…. i used to wish that our business is related to building materials, electricity materials, car showroom… because it wont be made fun off. I also think that it’s made fun off because most of my employees wet their hands into the aquariums unlike most shops. Also our shop design isnt as fancy as most aquarium shops… but still our shop manage to do our business well… and i could say it’s the leading aquarium shop in our city.

     

    You said:

    “I don’t know if this helps you look at it differently? When you develop more self-confidence, you’ll be able to feel better about your father’s business too, or about any job you do, provided you do it honestly. It’s the lack of self-esteem that fuels those insecure thoughts and the need of approval – even by some silly acquaintances of yours whom you shouldn’t listen to whatsoever. When you’re self-confident, you can just laugh at them and enjoy the success of your flourishing businesses.”

    = Yeah you’re definitely correct, everything is about that im lacking of self-esteem… like regarding my height, aquarium business, my eating disorder and also due to lack of self esteem… when talking to my friends, it’s only always about them and not me…… I hope that i can find a way to improve my confidence and slowly let go of this lack of self esteem soon.

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