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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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Viewing 7 posts - 31 through 37 (of 37 total)
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  • #381082
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    So do u think i should just let go of the past mistakes (such as showing off to prove that i’m rich, posting something embarrassing on my instagram stories & posting to prove that im wealthy)…. like should i just let everthing about it go without thinking anything? Like completely let go without analyzing anything. Because i still feel uneasy as i still saw it as an unsettled matter. I tried distracting myself by doing something else, but will end up thinking about it when i stop doing the activity.

    I see. You’re not able to let go thinking about it, there’s a thought playing in your mind that keeps you agitated and you can’t focus on anything else. What might be happening is that your obsessive thinking actually has a protective function. It might be protecting you from doing something else, perhaps something productive and constructive, because you believe that should you start doing something productive, it would turn out you’re not good at it, and it would cause you pain.

    If this is true for you, then obsessing about past mistakes and past events is a defense mechanism. It keeps your mind busy and doesn’t allow you to try new things, and potentially embarrass yourself. Do you think this might bee true for you?

    It happens often with people with lack of self-esteem – they often sabotage themselves from trying anything new, because a part of them is afraid that they will prove to be a failure. So they don’t even try.

    If this is behind your overthinking and the inability to let go, you’d need to become aware that one part of you is afraid of failure and sabotages you from trying anything, sabotages you from even wanting to accomplish anything. You’d need to step back from that part, in your mind, and realize that you’re more than just this fearful part. There’s another part of you that wants to advance and develop and thrive, and you want to embrace that part more. If you feel this is applicable to you, we can talk more.

     

    #381152
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts.

     

    You said:

    “I see. You’re not able to let go thinking about it, there’s a thought playing in your mind that keeps you agitated and you can’t focus on anything else. What might be happening is that your obsessive thinking actually has a protective function. It might be protecting you from doing something else, perhaps something productive and constructive, because you believe that should you start doing something productive, it would turn out you’re not good at it, and it would cause you pain.

    If this is true for you, then obsessing about past mistakes and past events is a defense mechanism. It keeps your mind busy and doesn’t allow you to try new things, and potentially embarrass yourself. Do you think this might bee true for you?”

    = I stop thinking of this obsessive thinking when i do activities, but when i have free time i’ll start thinking about it again. Then i tried to not think about the obsessive thoughts at all… and it didnt work but the uneasy feeling is still there….. what i’m afraid of is that if i dont think about that thoughts (the embarassing things i do by posting on my instagram stories)… it’s like i left an unsolved case….like i need to make sure to my mind that the problem is settled… like i need to know that those people didnt view me as embarassing… but it’s not possible… as there are 300 people who viewed my instagram stories, that’s why the case is always unsettled in my head.

    Actually the past mistakes that i’m only thinking right now is about that instagram stories, i used to post stuffs that end up embarrassing myself…. i did that only to attract that girl (the girl who confesses to me but told me not to wait for her)…. and now after failing to get her….. my brain feels that i did something wrong….. that im embarrassing myself to 300 people who viewed my instagram stories only to get her attention…. and in the end, it didnt work out with her. Like i lost on both sides. The only thing i can do right now is by not posting anything on instagram, i even track my record to feel calmer….. i’ve achieved 18 days without posting and every time i see that record i feel very calm.

    At that time i used to post a lot of stuffs on my instagram stories without thinking about how embarrassing i am… because i focus on that girl… and after things didnt work out with her…. i suddenly realized it.

    But yeah, u said it’s always related to self-esteem and it’s very true…. and i try improving it day by day. I even tried learning to draw cartoons on weekends to feel some achievement. And yeah it felt good.

     

    You said:
    “If this is behind your overthinking and the inability to let go, you’d need to become aware that one part of you is afraid of failure and sabotages you from trying anything, sabotages you from even wanting to accomplish anything. You’d need to step back from that part, in your mind, and realize that you’re more than just this fearful part. There’s another part of you that wants to advance and develop and thrive, and you want to embrace that part more. If you feel this is applicable to you, we can talk more.”

    = Yeah that’s true, there are 2 parts of myself… the one who wants to advance and the other one wants me to overthink problems. This overthink problems sometimes could also repeat… like if i have cleared on the “embarrassing instagram stories” problem, i felt that my mind could re think about another problems that are unsettled like e.g. my height. Like what u said it’s true… i guess it’s a defense mechanism as it leads me to clear every of my problems, and also every decision i made could also causes me to feel regret…. like anything i do….. but i’m trying to learn right now to not blame myself for any decision i took… and it’s progressing.

    But yeah, what i want is to embrace the part of me that wants o advance and develop and thrive.

     

     

     

    #381191
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I am glad that you’re aware of the two parts inside of you – one that is overthinking and keeps you stuck in a loop, and the other who wants to make progress and advance.

    I even tried learning to draw cartoons on weekends to feel some achievement. And yeah it felt good.

    That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.

    The only thing i can do right now is by not posting anything on instagram, i even track my record to feel calmer….. i’ve achieved 18 days without posting and every time i see that record i feel very calm.

    Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle 🙂 And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.

    Actually the past mistakes that i’m only thinking right now is about that instagram stories, i used to post stuffs that end up embarrassing myself…. i did that only to attract that girl (the girl who confesses to me but told me not to wait for her)…. and now after failing to get her….. my brain feels that i did something wrong….. that im embarrassing myself to 300 people who viewed my instagram stories only to get her attention…. and in the end, it didnt work out with her. Like i lost on both sides.

    There are two parts activated in you when you reflect upon this story: one is the healthy part who sees that your behavior (bragging) wasn’t the best, since it was motivated by an unmet need for love and approval, specially for being liked by that girl. It’s a self-reflective part, who says “this was inappropriate but I didn’t know better at the time. So I forgive myself. From now on, I’ll try to do better.” This is the part who wants to make progress, learn from his mistakes, and grow as a person. This is also the part who wants to draw cartoons, I believe 🙂

    And then there’s another part, who uses whatever “unsettled problem” you have to keep you stuck in a mental loop, obsessively thinking about it. As I said, I believe this part is protecting you from potential failure, by preventing you from trying anything new. It’s an internal saboteur.

    When you hear its voice, you can notice to yourself: “Ah, this is the protector. He’d like me to stay stuck because he’s afraid I am a failure. He thinks he’s protecting me, but he’s in fact holding me back. When I listen to him, I am paralyzed and unable to move on. I am accusing myself all the time and my thoughts drive me crazy. I don’t want that any more. I want to advance and thrive, I want to try out new things. Therefore I am choosing not to listen to this paralyzing voice at this moment. I am choosing to experience something new. I am making a space in my mind and heart for a new experience. I am open to a new experience.”

    This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…

     

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by TeaK.
    #381217
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Teak

    Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts.

    You said:

    “That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.

    Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle 🙂 And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.”

    = Thanks ! it’s due to your suggestion that i need to feel some achievement to have a better self esteem, and yeah i also believe tracking how many days i havent posted on instagram is a good strategy.

     

    You said:

    ” This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…”

    = Before i try this suggestion, i just found myself into a new “problem”….. so after i draw the cartoon…. well the cartoon that i draw is actually an anime girl. I decided to post it on my instagram “close friend” stories, so in instagram close friend stories i can select how many people who can view it. I didnt think much before posting that time, i feel like i’m proud of my achievment and at least i wanna show it to some people (i didnt twice if i could feel regret later on). The close friend list are 5 people, in which 3 is my male close friend and 2 girls. The 2 girls are the girl that told me not to wait, and the other one is my potential new crush. My 3 male close friends replied to my stories and their replies are all positive. Now regarding the 2 girls, the next day i text the girl who’s “my potential new crush” stating that the drama (we used to talk about this drama a month ago) just released a new episode of the new season…. then idk why she replied me so cold, different than how we text before. Then after a few conversation we stopped chatting…. i dont mind if i lose a new potential crush, as i havent had any much feelings for her…. i just wanna try if she’s compatible with me or not. Then i started thinking again, could it be because of me drawing an anime girl….

    I’m worried that she might view me as a freak, like i know some people tease people who likes anime. And this time i’m drawing anime…. and i’m at the age of an adult… maybe she thinks that i’m still acting like a child. But about this girl, i dont really mind, the real problem is the girl who told me not to wait. Tbh i never expect this girl (the girl who told me not to wait) to reply, and i also didnt text her anything…. i just wanna show her that i can draw now…. but i think it end up backfiring me after i knew that the girl who’s my potential new crush acted that way…. like i’m worried she might think that im a weirdo now, as we havent been texting for 9 months since the separation….. i remember she viewed me as a boy who’s cool and she thinks highly of me, but she could be thinking that im a weirdo now. Im worried, even though we dont text anymore… i dont want her to think me who is her former crush as a weirdo.

    I believe this isnt related to self esteem is it, because im confident enough to show my drawings? It’s just that i feel it was wrong for me to show it to them as im regretting my decision again. Or do u think im overthinking regarding this situation?

    But i’ve decided not to post anything again on my instagram stories after this issue, even on close friend list…. like i cant even handle it anymore….

    Few days ago when i didnt post anything i feel so calm, and then i get distracted into posting again…. like i shouldnt have done it… and now i’m back to square one in healing myself.

    #381237
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    it’s fine that you posted the anime drawing in your close friends group. You were proud of your achievement and wanted to show it to your close friends – nothing wrong about that.

    As for the rest – thinking and obsessing whether you should have done it or not, and whether those girls will think less of you because of it – that’s the internal saboteur. That’s the voice that wants to keep you from growing. And he succeeded for a moment because you immediately started questioning yourself and your drawing, thinking that it may be childish, that the girls won’t like you because of it etc etc… the end result: it took away all your joy and pride about your achievement, and pushed you back to square one, into paralysis and anxiety. Do you see this?

    But you have the antidote for that: try to neutralize the voice of the saboteur and focus on the internal achiever (perhaps this is how we should call the antidote to the saboteur), telling yourself positive affirmations, like I suggested earlier.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 8 hours ago by TeaK.
    #381314
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Teak

    Thank you once again for replying to my thoughts and problems.

    You said:

    “But you have the antidote for that: try to neutralize the voice of the saboteur and focus on the internal achiever (perhaps this is how we should call the antidote to the saboteur), telling yourself positive affirmations, like I suggested earlier.”

    = I tried to contain that voice by telling my mind that i dont want to go back to square one, and i keep reminding myself that i’ve succeeded in not posting for many days and counting and i tell to myself that it’s already and achievement… and i can be a little proud of myself. It did work in containing that voice, although sometimes i get distracted… but i hope as time passes i’ll be able to contain that voice better.

    Tbh sometimes when I’m alone in my room, i feel so happy and calm that i’m not posting anymore on my instagram stories anymore… and when i see most acquaintances of mine still keeps updating their instagram stories…. I feel happier because i feel like people around me will focus more on them… and when im not posting anymore… im getting less pressure and i’m so happy. I think this is actually who i am… a person who likes less pressure and i dont want people to look at me as the center of attention, but due to my fear of losing out… i used to make myself post a lot in my instagram stories… to get attention but mostly will end up making me stressed….
    I can watch movies calmer now…. at one point i even think that the last time i post my instagram stories on my birthday (which cause me so much stress that day, i even cried) really need to happen… like it becomes a turning point for me….
    I even feel grateful that i realized that i still have few friends (although not many) who genuinely wants to be my friend… like i dont need to force myself to crave for attention on instagram. Like i keep thinking that i’m short and they still want to be friends with me… i feel so emotional thinking about this.

    Do you think this is due to me growing up as im getting older? Or could it be due to i’ve experience so many mistakes/pain in the past that i’ve come to this realization?

    But sometimes i still get swayed at looking my acquaintances physical appearance… like i can feel jealousy. I also wanna improve myself to be more attractive….

    What do you think i should do to improve myself to be more attractive? Like attractive in physical point of view… (like not about being successful which can attract, more on the physical side). Like i have this short body.. idk which should i improve…. like should it be my hair? Should i make my shoulders bigger even though im short? Because when covid restrictions are lifted in my city, i really wanna make myself attractive… because as i’m getting less pressure now and with me not posting on instagram anymore… people will less notice me… and i can quietly improve myself.

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 17 hours ago by Felix.
    #381391
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I tried to contain that voice by telling my mind that i dont want to go back to square one, and i keep reminding myself that i’ve succeeded in not posting for many days and counting and i tell to myself that it’s already and achievement… and i can be a little proud of myself. It did work in containing that voice, although sometimes i get distracted… but i hope as time passes i’ll be able to contain that voice better.

    That’s great, Felix, that you’ve managed to contain that voice, and also that you feel much calmer nowadays, not seeking attention on instagram. And also, that you realize you have a few good friends, who like you for who you are, and that you don’t need to do anything to impress them. Those are all valuable insights and I am really happy for you.

    It’s okay if you want to take care of your physical appearance. You may want to do some sports, or lift some weights to develop some musculature, or perhaps jog. Being healthy and fit is important, and a good goal to strive for. As long as it doesn’t put you in a competitive mode – like comparing yourself with other guys, putting yourself down for not being strong and muscular enough, or at the other extreme, bragging about your physique. So as long as it’s just something to keep you happy and healthy, and give you a healthy sense of accomplishment, by all means go for it. I am rooting for you!

     

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