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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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  • #379905
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    thanks for your reply, it was good to read from you again.

    it’s always like that, the topic is always about them but not me (even with my close friends)… but right now im starting to learn to be more assertive.

    Due to he never talks about his emotions, i think it affected me that i have a very weak communications skills and im introverted…i have a very weak communications skills and im introverted…

    Regarding your lack of assertiveness and good communication skills, I think it’s mostly because you’re shy and you fear embarrassment (i.e. you have low self-esteem), that’s why you are reluctant to talk to people. A part of it is due to your mother, who sees you as weak and “a reason to worry”, which is pretty bad for your self-confidence. And a part of it due to your father, who is strict and probably you fear his judgment. If he doesn’t have a sense of humor, if he’s a little like a soldier – very disciplined but never shows emotions and vulnerability – then no wonder you would fear him and afraid to be yourself around him.

    Around your mother you feel more free to be yourself, to show your weaknesses, but around your father, you need to be on guard. You can’t be spontaneous, you have to pretend. All that contributes to your feeling that you’re judged when in company of others, and you can’t relax and be yourself even with your close friends. Is that the case?

    But he can do business successfully without being communicative because he has a leadership trait and high sense of responsibility… making most people respected him.

    He’s probably good at giving commands and telling people what to do. Again, like a soldier, or a commander. His employees respect him because he’s probably a just employer, he gives them fair pay and they don’t feel exploited. However, I don’t think they like him too much. I believe they rather fear him. It’s fear and respect combined.

    Yes my mom has made me feel weak and unconfident, she even said that when i get married later on i’ll have a room in our new house (the new house is going to built soon). I dont really mind living with them, as i dont have to think about the foods and chores later on…. and also i think if i live alone with my wife later on… with only the two of us, isnt the house going to be so lonely? Do u think with my mother’s personality, could it cause a conflict with my future wife later on? (idk if i’m thinking too far regarding this, as i havent even find myself a girlfriend).

    If you want to have a successful relationship, you’d need to first develop self-confidence and self-esteem. That means you’d need to learn to love yourself and have trust in yourself and your own abilities. Your mother has raised you to be weak and dependent on her, to believe that you’re incapable to take care of yourself. She treats you like a baby. You’d first need to separate from that kind of thinking, which you also adopted.  You cannot see yourself as weak and incapable if you want to have a healthy relationship.

    One way to feel more confident about yourself is to take on some duties in your home – perhaps some chores, or work in the garden – something where you can feel useful and which can give you a sense of accomplishment. You’re not a lazy, incompetent kid –  you’re a capable and resourceful smart young man. Try to see yourself like that, and do accordingly.

    Make  yourself useful in some small way, so you can feel that sense of success and accomplishment. Never mind if you’re not perfect immediately – allow yourself to make mistakes. But try it, keep doing it, and with time, you’ll get better at it. It will give you a tremendous boost to your self-confidence.

    I think this is the first step and a precondition for thinking about marriage and starting a family. When you feel more self-confident and stronger, you’ll be in a different space mentally and will be able to make a decision whether to live in your parents’ house or somewhere else. But for now, do everything you can to boost your self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment. This will make you less dependent on your parents too and capable of making your own decisions.

     

    #380263
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you so much for the tips you mentioned above, i’m so grateful. If i feel struggled on those problems above, i’ll re read your tips to feel better.

    So recently i have a new problem, this problem is driving me insane that i even hit my own head with my hand, i know its wrong but i feel so hopeless… i cant control my thoughts. I even have difficulties sleeping due to this problem… i even cried because idk what i should do to stop this thoughts.

    So the problem is that yesterday is my birthday, so one of my best friend’s grandfather has passed away on the same day as my birthday. And that best friend of mine joined with my other friends to send me a birthday cake to my house on my birthday. And i posted that cake pic on my instagram story, tagging all the people who bought it… including my best friend who’s grandfather has passed away. I feel bad, that im posting that cake pic and tagging him, when he’s feeling sad due to his grandfather passed away… and today is his birthday… and i send my wishes to him regarding his birthday and also his grandfather, i texted him on 2am in the morning and he replied me on 5pm, idk if he’s mad at me. I’m afraid that he might think im heartless, like he’s sad on my birthday.. why do i need to post that cake and tag him. And also because the day after my birthday is his birthday.

     

    My second problem is also relating to my birthday yesterday, so one of my friend (girl) posted a pic of me and her… to wish me a happy birthday… and then i repost it. I really regret it, and a girl (this is the girl that i used to mention on my previous threads, she’s 4 years younger than me) whom both of used to like each other… saw that pic. She has send wishes to me before i post any instagram stories… she remembered my birthday even though when dont contact anymore. I believe this girl still has feelings for me but she wont tell me because she is forbidden to have any relationships with her parents, and she might open me a chance when she has graduated later (4 years from now)… but she saw that pic of me and my friend (girl). Idk what she might be thinking.
    Before my birthday, im really sure she will wish me a happy birthday because she still sees me as a special person… and i’m right that she wishes me… but then i post that pic of me and my friend (girl). I really really regret it…. like i feel i might be throwing a chance for me and her to be together in the future… even though if right now isnt the right time.

    And i just found out that she’s entering the same uni as me (i’ve graduated from that uni). And with that news i feel even more worried as i know how that uni works… and she could easily get close with a new male friend…. im afraid she might find a new boy that she likes there.

    You can see my thread about her in my profile for better information, the title is :

    “ I still cant forget about her? Should i really move on this time?“

     

     

    The third problem is that i used to post on my instagram stories regarding my father’s business… i feel so regret that im doing this so people would be jealous of me and notice me. I posted a pic of lots of houses on construction (my father also runs a construction business), like i’ve been posting it for many times…. tbh i do that so people would praise that im rich and wont look down on me too… and also so that girls can see me as a man who has money. But on my birthday yesterday, most of my acquaintances dont text me at all after seeing my birthday posts on my instagram stories. I feel like i did them wrongly showing off like that, like i shouldnt do it… i really really regret it. I feel like throwing my phone if i think about this… as i cant change their thoughts anymore… as they’ve seen me showing off so many times…. tbh i didnt even do anything on that construction business, i just took a pic of it to post it on social media… but i posted it so that girls will look at me as a reliable man… im so so wrong. I feel like i shouldnt be showing off like that, it will only create more enemies… and make lots of people hate me…. i really wish to fix this one, i hate myself

     

    I hope thay my explanation on these three problems doesnt sound confusing…

     

     

    So these three problems cause me a headache till now, i feel so worried right now and also anxiety… idk if this is just me overthinking or not… i’m so sad right now with this regret.. like i cant fix it anymore.

    Why is it so hard being an adult, like problems keep coming on me… i sometimes wish that i was not born at all in this world. If there’s a sign out button in my life… i will press it… im so tired of life.

    I really hope that there’s a fix regarding these 3 problems… as all of it is relating to regret.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by Felix.
    #380282
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    happy birthday to you!

    I am sorry to hear that you’re anxious about your activity on social media. Regarding the 3rd story, you say:

    But on my birthday yesterday, most of my acquaintances dont text me at all after seeing my birthday posts on my instagram stories.

    Did they congratulate you on instagram? Because if they did, probably they didn’t want to do it twice, sending you a text…

    As for posting things to brag about yourself in the past – well,  that’s a consequence of being insecure and having low self-esteem. Because then we have a need to compensate for it, so we brag and seek attention. Try to forgive yourself for that. Don’t judge yourself, you didn’t know better. But now you do know better: you know the solution is to have more self-esteem and confidence. One of the ways to develop self-confidence I mentioned in my previous post:

    “One way to feel more confident about yourself is to take on some duties in your home – perhaps some chores, or work in the garden – something where you can feel useful and which can give you a sense of accomplishment. You’re not a lazy, incompetent kid – you’re a capable and resourceful smart young man. Try to see yourself like that, and do accordingly.”

    Have you started doing something like that, to get a sense of accomplishment? The more accomplished and capable you feel, the less you’ll have the need to brag about yourself.

     

    As for the 2nd story – you re-posting a photo with a female friend, which another girl (that you have a crush on) might have seen. First, it’s your birthday, and it’s a common thing that people congratulate each other by posting their common pictures. There’s no harm in you re-posting it either, since it’s your birthday, and I guess it’s a friendly photo, from which it’s clear that you two aren’t a couple.

    And secondly, the other girl, whom you have a crush on, told you not to wait for her, or hope for a relationship. She left for her studies and started a new life.

    I said that we can text each other everyday like this, but she said she cant… she feels burden and she doesnt want anyone to wait for her.

    She told you it would be a burden for her to keep texting with you every day. She has been texting with you since she was 14, which is super young.  She might have liked you as a teenager, but now that she’s a bit older, she doesn’t see you as a potential husband, and she doesn’t want to relate to you romantically. You’d need to accept that and free both her and yourself from expectations. When you accept that she’s not having romantic feelings for you, you won’t obsess about what photos you post on social media…

     

    The 1st story – about tagging your friend whose grandfather passed away on your birthday. Well, he was among the people who sent you the cake, so in theory, you had a reason to tag him. If you hadn’t tagged him, you might have been worrying now that you were rude for not tagging someone who sent you a cake, as if you’re not appreciating his gift. By tagging him, you showed you appreciated his gift. Perhaps you could have added a remark along the lines of “my condolences to XY (your friend) for losing his grandfather”, or something to that effect. But those are details. It’s important that you expressed your condolences in a text, that’s what counts. I am sure he appreciates it.

    Next time before you post something, try asking yourself “Am I posting this because I want to seek attention, or because I genuinely feel good about myself and want to express myself?” And also, “if I post this, will it offend someone I care about?”

    But don’t exaggerate with being cautious either, because you have a tendency to condemn yourself no matter what you do. You’ll always find some reason to condemn yourself and regret that you have or haven’t posted, and beat yourself up about it. That’s all a consequence of your low self-esteem. Once you develop more self-esteem, you won’t be so judgmental about yourself, you’ll be able to forgive yourself more easily and move on.

    And as a birthday wish, I wish you to be kind on yourself, don’t beat yourself up, forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And in the meanwhile, please take my advice on doing something that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Either at home, or at your father’s company, or you might be lifting some weights, or do any other sports – whatever it is to give you the sense that you’re making progress and accomplishing something.

     

    #380284
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    This is a one time post for you, a one time interruption of your communication with another member. I do not wish to get a reply for this post.

    Nine threads ago, on July 30, 2020, I wrote to you: “Whenever you ask me questions regarding your obsessions with your height and getting a girlfriend- I will not answer because questions can be  answered, but obsessions are never satisfied with answers”.

    Your current obsession with having made potential mistakes, after the fact (your repeated questioning of whether you made a mistake when you did this or that, and the emotional torture you go through with this questioning), like your other obsessions- can not be satisfied with answers.

    As I see it, what you need to do next is to see a medical doctor regarding your obsessive thinking. Your doctor/ psychiatrist may diagnose you with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or not. But in any case, the doctor may prescribe you with a psychiatric medication that will offer you a much needed relief from your obsessive thinking and the torture you are experiencing as a result, one of the SSRI class of medications perhaps, often used to bring relief to people suffering from obsessive thinking.

    When you finally experience a relief from your obsessive thinking, then you will have the mental and emotional capacity to address other challenges in your life.

    anita

    #380465
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you for ur advices and for analyzing my situation. By reading your explanation… and after a few days.. i’m feeling better.

    As what you said here:

    “And as a birthday wish, I wish you to be kind on yourself, don’t beat yourself up, forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And in the meanwhile, please take my advice on doing something that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Either at home, or at your father’s company, or you might be lifting some weights, or do any other sports – whatever it is to give you the sense that you’re making progress and accomplishing something.“

    =Thank you for saying that i shouldnt beat myself up… i guess you are right… i blame myself too much… but it’s just my personality… i keep doing something which i will regret it (like posting on social media). Like if i post it or not.. both choices will make me feel regret.
    I will take ur advice that u said this is the cause of low self esteem… and i will try to do something that will give me a sense of accomplishment.

     

     

    But there is still one issue, i cant take off this regret that i used to brag about myself in the past… as a person who hates pressure.. i shouldnt have done that.. as bragging will lead to more pressure on me. If i didnt post that time i will be feeling no pressure right now. Also i cant analyze how most people who saw me bragging on my insta stories are thinking….

    I really regret making myself stand out, im trying to make myself less stand out now and have people forget about my bragging but i dont think it’s possible.

    And i used to brag like that to impress acquaintances that i’m not close with… its just so so wrong. I feel like i shouldnt impress those kind of people, in which i dont feel comfortable whenever i talk to those kind of people.

    Actually i also do this bragging to impress girls, i thought girls might see a plus point in me even though im short. Then i realized, that before i brag about my wealth, there are few girls who’s attracted to me in the past…. at that moment when i realize, i shake my head with regret… like i shouldnt have done this.

    Right now, im really trying to myself going in the right path… like i dont wanna do it for anybody else or try to impress others by forcing myself to do something that i dont even like.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Felix.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Felix.
    #380508
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    you’re welcome, I am glad you’re feeling a bit better.

    i keep doing something which i will regret it (like posting on social media). Like if i post it or not.. both choices will make me feel regret.

    Yes, as I told you in my previous post:

    “You have a tendency to condemn yourself no matter what you do. You’ll always find some reason to condemn yourself and regret that you have or haven’t posted, and beat yourself up about it.”

    You’re very afraid of other people’s judgment. Your mother judged you for being weak and for making her worry. How do you think your father judges you?

    In any case, you have this belief that no matter what you do, you will be judged. As I said, once you develop more self-esteem, you’ll be able to worry less about what others think and express yourself more freely without fear of their judgment.

    I cant take off this regret that i used to brag about myself in the past…

    I also did stupid things on social media in the past, for which I was embarrassed. But I’ve forgiven myself, because I didn’t know better. We develop (hopefully) and grow over time, we change and become more mature than we were in the past. It’s a positive thing that you’re now aware of some of your past actions, which you did when you didn’t know better. That shows that you’ve grown as a person, and it’s a great thing.

    What you can do if you really feel embarrassed about your past activity on social media is to delete your old account and create a new one. You can even take a pause from social media for a while. This will also signal to people that you’ve changed, that something significantly changed about you.

    How do you feel about that? About taking a break from social media and then re-emerging with a new account, as a new person, with more self-confidence and less need to impress?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by TeaK.
    #380515
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying my thoughts, i really appreciate it.

    You said:

    “What you can do if you really feel embarrassed about your past activity on social media is to delete your old account and create a new one. You can even take a pause from social media for a while. This will also signal to people that you’ve changed, that something significantly changed about you.”

    = Yeah i’ve decrease my time on social media… like i decrease it a lot… and i also dont want to post and more insta stories unless i really have to, because with this personality of mine i will only give myself a headache.

     

     

    Also i wanna explain more regarding my regret, i said in the previous threads that i show off my father’s “construction business” on my insta stories… like i video/photo the construction site to show people that there’s a lot of house (which means lots of income)…. well it’s true that we have construction business… but the truth is that i exaggerate my post… in which actually the income is also shared with other company… Like i try to show people that our family is doing lots of housing but actually it’s shared with other company.

    The truth is our main business is the aquarium store that i mentioned before… but i’m too shy to show it that’s why i keep posting the construction site at that time… as what i mentioned before, people make fun of aquariums and fish….but i’m sure they look at construction as a high standard kind of business….

    but then i realized that i shouldnt have post that construction, like in the end people will find out about my aquarium business….

    After this explanation regarding the construction business, do u think the solution is still the same? Is it still related to low self esteem?

     

     

    I also wanna ask regarding the this, as u said before in the previous threads:

    I said that we can text each other everyday like this, but she said she cant… she feels burden and she doesnt want anyone to wait for her.

    She told you it would be a burden for her to keep texting with you every day. She has been texting with you since she was 14, which is super young.  She might have liked you as a teenager, but now that she’s a bit older, she doesn’t see you as a potential husband, and she doesn’t want to relate to you romantically. You’d need to accept that and free both her and yourself from expectations. When you accept that she’s not having romantic feelings for you, you won’t obsess about what photos you post on social media…”

    = What u said is true… she said it’s a burden to keep texting with my everyday, but it’s not because she doesnt want to relate to me romantically.

    She said that because if we keep chatting everyday she’ll end up liking me more (most people keeps saying that she said this to reject me, but it’s not true… she really said it honestly (if u dont believe my opinion here… let’s just assume it’s true))… it’s because that her parents forbid her to have a relationship now as she’s still young and she’ll be living our city for uni… she said to me that time that we are separated… and if we keep chatting everyday and she is forbid to have relationship it’ll be pointless and she dont want me to wait because it’ll be a burden…

    then at that time i asked her “so u want me to find another girl?”… she said she cant answer it, then i asked her again when u said u love me do u really mean it? and she said yes. She then said again, tbh i really want to be with you but what should i do… i cant be in relationship and i dont want both of us to end up getting hurt due to this situation… She then said to me again I really like you but what can i do in this situation… Then due to this situation, she said that she wants to focus on uni and getting a job… she’ll try to get a job in that city where her uni (my uni too) is. If she fails to get it there, she’ll come back to our city… (her parents told her that she can only live in that city or our city because her parents wont let her go too far… as that city isnt far from our city.. and she’s a person who follows what her parents said).

    Then i said to her that if we’re meant to be with each other then we will be together…. then she said okay…

    Then since sept 2020 we stop contacting each other everyday… we only text each other on our birthdays and that’s it. After that i know that my only hope, if i really want to be with her is only when she has graduated… but it’s gonna take 4 years… and even though i like her so much…. i know that i shouldnt be waiting for her….

    I’ll try finding myself a girl till her graduate …..i’m serious in finding here… not only to distract me of her… if i can really be happy with the girl i find before her graduate then thank god… i’ll definitely forget about her. But till now i havent found a girl yet… so due to that when i have a free time, i’ll have thoughts that what if she gets attracted to boys in her uni…. i really wanna stop my head thinking constantly like that as it’s so tiring…..

    And she did text me on my birthday few days ago. She even text me before i post my birthday stories on my instagram, so she still remembers my birthday.

    After that in instagram, i saw her liking posts stating that she misses someone she used to talk everyday like i find it accidentally while scrolling random feeds (i’ve found her liki…. this is not me being over confident but she hasnt entered uni yet, so im sure it’s me. But this october she’s entering uni.

    I hope that my explanation here regarding that girl isnt confusing…. idk if she says all of that because she’s still too young…

    But as that confession is on september 2020, and it has been half a year… i didnt think about her constantly… i’ll only think about her if i saw her insta stories (like she post a selfie pic of her) and i’ll keep thinking that “what if boys in her uni could took an interest on her”… and also if i have a free time or watching romance movies.. sometimes could get reminded of her….

    Can i have ur tips regarding this?

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Felix.
    #380518
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    you’re very welcome.

    After this explanation regarding the construction business, do u think the solution is still the same? Is it still related to low self esteem?

    Yes, you were bragging or exaggerating to have people like you and think highly of you, and that’s because you lack self-esteem. Once you improve your self-esteem, you can still post about your father’s construction business (even if it’s not your father’s only, but he has a partner). So you can post about it, maybe with the intention to advertise it, or to inform people about some achievement (e.g. new building completed), or to inform people about a new development.

    It’s not a sin to share about your father’s company for advertising purposes (something like: I am proud to present to you this new development, and btw if you know someone who’s interested in buying an apartment in this complex, here’s the info…) A little self-praise and healthy self-esteem is totally okay. But if your posts are driven by an unmet need – by a craving to be praised, and if without the praise of other people you feel worthless – that’s when it’s not healthy.

    As for the aquarium business, I’ve already told you I think it’s cool and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. So if you feel like it, you can advertise that business too. If someone looks down on it, it’s their problem. There will always be people who don’t like the same things that you like – you can’t please everybody. That’s something you need to take into consideration – you can never please everybody. Even the greatest videos on youtube get dislikes. The less you seek approval and praise from others, the better and freer you’ll feel…

    As for the girl you like, there are too many uncertainties and so many things that can change within 4 years. I think you have a good attitude: you’re not waiting for her or expecting that she chooses you. You’re open to finding a good, loving relationship, in which you’ll be happy. You told her something very wise: “If indeed we’re meant to be with each other then we will be together…. then she said okay…

    I think it’s a good attitude. It’s okay if she sometimes pops up in your mind, but you’re not obsessing about her or hoping for something she never promised. So it seems to me you have a good attitude – just keep at it!

    = Yeah i’ve decrease my time on social media… like i decrease it a lot… and i also dont want to post and more insta stories unless i really have to, because with this personality of mine i will only give myself a headache.

    Good you’ve reduced it… When you post, try to ask yourself “what’s my intention?” If it’s “to get praise because I feel bad without it”, then don’t post it. But as I said, if you want to post from a place of feeling good and positive about yourself, or you want to advertise your company, or want to share some achievement, either your personal or your company’s achievement – you can post about it, there’s no harm in it. It can be fun and even useful in terms of business.

     

    #380679
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying my thoughts, some of ur words reassured me.

     

    You said:

    “It’s not a sin to share about your father’s company for advertising purposes (something like: I am proud to present to you this new development, and btw if you know someone who’s interested in buying an apartment in this complex, here’s the info…) A little self-praise and healthy self-esteem is totally okay. But if your posts are driven by an unmet need – by a craving to be praised, and if without the praise of other people you feel worthless – that’s when it’s not healthy.“

    = Even though if im not doing anything to contribute to the development, and posting about that development… is it still not wrong for me to do that?

    When i post about the development on my ig stories, some people replied thinking that im busy taking care of that development… whereas what im actually doing is only posting and do nothing to contribute to that development.

    I feel bad, as i feel that i’ve been lying… and they might hate me if they find out that i do nothing to contribute to that development. Do u think im overthinking things or they could really end up hating me (the people who thought im busy)?

    I apologize if i’ve been asking the same thing, i just wanna make sure my mind is completely settled… and it’s starting to get better day by day.

     

     

    You said:

    ”As for the girl you like, there are too many uncertainties and so many things that can change within 4 years. I think you have a good attitude: you’re not waiting for her or expecting that she chooses you. You’re open to finding a good, loving relationship, in which you’ll be happy. You told her something very wise: “If indeed we’re meant to be with each other then we will be together…. then she said okay…

    I think it’s a good attitude. It’s okay if she sometimes pops up in your mind, but you’re not obsessing about her or hoping for something she never promised. So it seems to me you have a good attitude – just keep at it!”

    = Yes you are right, there are many uncertainties that could happen in 4 years, that’s why i will try to find myself another girl and not try waiting for her.

    But to be honest, i’m still obsessing about her.. idk why… but i keep suppressing myself to stay calm even tho it’s so hard. Like there isnt a day i dont think of her.. but i also try to find a new girl… like there’s 2 minds in my head. Two sides, in which one keeps thinking about her and the other one tries to find a new one.

    Idk why she’s been in my head for a long time… could this be a curse for me? Like it’s been 6 years… and i can say she’s been in my head everyday for 6 straight years.. I always feel that she’s so lucky that there’s a guy who keeps thinking of her like this.. how lucky it is to be her. Sometimes i also thought that this could be a sign that i truly love her…. but due to this circumstances i try not to think about it.

    #380681
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I feel bad, as i feel that i’ve been lying… and they might hate me if they find out that i do nothing to contribute to that development. Do u think im overthinking things or they could really end up hating me (the people who thought im busy)?

    You’re not lying if you simply post about a new development, without saying something deceiving such as “just completed this development – phew, it was a lot of work but we finally did it!” If you simply share the information, that’s fine. You can still be proud of your company’s achievements, even if it’s not your personal achievement.

    If some people think it’s you who worked on it, and they make such comments, you can say “I wasn’t personally involved much in the project, but I am very proud of it, it’s so cool”, or something along those lines. There’s nothing wrong about it. If you would consciously deceive people, making them believe it’s your merit and you worked hard on it, that would be deception and it wouldn’t be okay.

    I apologize if i’ve been asking the same thing, i just wanna make sure my mind is completely settled… and it’s starting to get better day by day.

    I am glad you’re starting to feel better day by day…

    As for the girl, she has been someone you’ve been chatting with for 4 years (or even 6 years?) regularly. This means you had a connection, and she was interested in you. It wasn’t necessarily a romantic interest, but it might have been a friendly interest or an undefined interest. Nevertheless, it meant a lot to you because she was maybe the only one who showed sincere interest in you, and it felt so good. Since you have a low self-esteem, you needed someone who cares about you and appreciates you, because you didn’t care about yourself and had all those negative feelings about yourself. She was someone who didn’t condemn you, like you condemned yourself. That’s why she’s so precious in your mind.

    As you start developing more self-esteem and start appreciating yourself more, you don’t need to depend on her to give you that positive attention. You can give positive attention (e.g. love, self-compassion, understanding) to yourself. It will be easier to stop obsessing about her, because what you need from her you can actually give to yourself.

    I always feel that she’s so lucky that there’s a guy who keeps thinking of her like this.. how lucky it is to be her.

    I think it’s because you feel you would be so lucky if there were someone who thinks like that of you. You haven’t experienced that someone has these positive thoughts about you, since you parents rather had negative, worrying thoughts about you. You crave for someone who would have positive, affirming, appreciating thoughts of you.

    Well, the first person who needs to have such positive thoughts about you is yourself, Felix. And then, you will be much more relaxed and you won’t worry so much if other people have positive thoughts about you or not. You’ll feel warm around your heart because you love yourself. And you won’t obsess about what other people think of you and whether they hate you. So it all starts with yourself and giving yourself those positive thoughts that you crave from others.

     

    #380712
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply and thoughts regarding my problem.

     

    You said:

    “You’re not lying if you simply post about a new development, without saying something deceiving such as “just completed this development – phew, it was a lot of work but we finally did it!” If you simply share the information, that’s fine. You can still be proud of your company’s achievements, even if it’s not your personal achievement.”

    =Well, when i post about the new development that time i did write “on progress” on the story caption…. do u think it’s still okay?

     

    You said:

    ”If some people think it’s you who worked on it, and they make such comments, you can say “I wasn’t personally involved much in the project, but I am very proud of it, it’s so cool”, or something along those lines. There’s nothing wrong about it. If you would consciously deceive people, making them believe it’s your merit and you worked hard on it, that would be deception and it wouldn’t be okay.”

    =When the people who replied to me thinking that i’m busy, that time i tell them “yea after graduating from uni, this is what i do now”. Does this sound deceiving?

     

    You said:

    ”I think it’s because you feel you would be so lucky if there were someone who thinks like that of you. You haven’t experienced that someone has these positive thoughts about you, since you parents rather had negative, worrying thoughts about you. You crave for someone who would have positive, affirming, appreciating thoughts of you.

    Well, the first person who needs to have such positive thoughts about you is yourself, Felix. And then, you will be much more relaxed and you won’t worry so much if other people have positive thoughts about you or not. You’ll feel warm around your heart because you love yourself. And you won’t obsess about what other people think of you and whether they hate you. So it all starts with yourself and giving yourself those positive thoughts that you crave from others.”

    = After reading your thoughts, yeah what u said is true… like it’s because i feel so lucky to have a girl who thinks that way of me, and she has lots of positive thoughts on me… that time she even crave for my attention. And she even said that she gets jealous when i said i get close with a girl. Also i used to also have a crush on another girl, but the move on process is not this hard… like i dont keep obsessing…

    And what u said was right, if i have more self esteem i wont depend and on her, and will less obsessed with her.

    But the truth is that i think the problem doesnt only lies with self esteem, like i also like her physical appearance… like if there’s a day i didnt think about her, then suddenly i saw her insta stories where she posted a selfie pic…. i’d feel down again and also feel sad. Like tbh she’s pretty, and in my opinion she could easily get a boy to like her.

    And also due to i just recently found out that the uni she’s entering is the same as my uni…. and when i really know how that uni works… and how easily people can get to know each other in that uni…. makes my head starts to overthink again, like my head starts to imagine a scenario where she meets lots of people and end up crushing with a boy there…. and in my uni days that time i also spend lots of time chatting with her when she’s in highschool…. and now she’s in the same uni as me.

    Also i feel jealous that she gets to meet lots of new people in uni for the next 4 years, whereas me….. i’m just helping my parents business everyday and i didnt meet anyone new… like even if i met meet anyone new it wont be as many as her…. how lucky she is…

     

    Do u think if i still keep thinking about her in my head (this is an assumption) for the next 4 years…. but i wont text her except for her birthday until she graduates….., Would it be a wrong choice for me? Idk if i’ll end up tiring my head even though i still allow myself to find another girl….. but if i didnt find myself any girls to chase on the next 4 years i’m afraid i’ll think about her for that long.
    Also i still keep a pic of both of us when we’re in our school prom night, i’m sure she still keeps it too. As i dont like deleting pictures (like i only experience it once, why should i delete it)…. although i know most people would delete anything to move on.

    I apologize once again if i keep explaining about this girl, although u have said the problem is related to self esteem…. it’s just that i cant seem to talk to anyone regarding her…. i can only explain about her here, and i feel better after pouring it out.

    I used to tell me close friends regarding her… but i dont think they can understand what i’m experiencing of her.

    #380753
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    =Well, when i post about the new development that time i did write “on progress” on the story caption…. do u think it’s still okay?

    Yes, it’s okay.

    =When the people who replied to me thinking that i’m busy, that time i tell them “yea after graduating from uni, this is what i do now”. Does this sound deceiving?

    Yes, this sounds deceiving because from your reply, they might have concluded that you were busy working on that project when you weren’t. Do you see the difference between being proud of your company’s achievements (which is totally fine) and taking credit for something you haven’t done (which is deceiving)?

    If you see the difference, and you also understand what motivated you to brag and deceive people sometimes (your low self-esteem), you can correct your behavior, and also forgive yourself for your past actions.

     

    that time she even crave for my attention. And she even said that she gets jealous when i said i get close with a girl.

    This girl obviously liked you and at a certain point was even jealous of other girls. But that was in the past, when she was younger. Don’t forget that she was a teenager then and might have felt one thing, but now she feels something else. People change as they mature. Most recent what she told you is not to expect anything in the romantic sense from her, neither to expect that she won’t look at other boys at the university.

    Also i feel jealous that she gets to meet lots of new people in uni for the next 4 years, whereas me….. i’m just helping my parents business everyday and i didnt meet anyone new… like even if i met meet anyone new it wont be as many as her…. how lucky she is…

    Now that covid restrictions are being lifted, you can meet new people too. Perhaps less people than being at the university, but still enough to meet a nice girl whom you like and who likes you back.

    Do u think if i still keep thinking about her in my head (this is an assumption) for the next 4 years…. but i wont text her except for her birthday until she graduates….., Would it be a wrong choice for me?

    Yes, it would be a wrong choice because you’d glue yourself to her, and she’s already told you she moved on, and there’s very little chance that you’d end up together. So it would just be suffering for you. Instead, you can use your time to work on yourself and open yourself to a possibility for true love. But first, work on developing more self-love and self-esteem, because that’s how you’ll be able to meet a girl who truly appreciates you for who you are.

     

    #380881
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for giving ur thoughts on my problem

     

    You said:

    “Yes, this sounds deceiving because from your reply, they might have concluded that you were busy working on that project when you weren’t. Do you see the difference between being proud of your company’s achievements (which is totally fine) and taking credit for something you haven’t done (which is deceiving)?

    If you see the difference, and you also understand what motivated you to brag and deceive people sometimes (your low self-esteem), you can correct your behavior, and also forgive yourself for your past actions.”

    = Now that they might have concluded that im busy working that project when i wasnt, how should i deal with this….. luckily there’s only 2 people who replied asking me that time….. Should i just let go of that mistake, and get over with that regret for deceiving them? As i cant do anything about it…… after i understand that mistake, since then i never posted anything about the development again…. and i feel calmer and no pressure….. i should’ve known this sooner and not get intrigued to show off my family’s business

     

    You said:

    “Now that covid restrictions are being lifted, you can meet new people too. Perhaps less people than being at the university, but still enough to meet a nice girl whom you like and who likes you back.”

    = Here in my place the covid cases keeps increasing…. so what can i do is only do my daily activities…. in which the place i went is only my dad’s office and my home. The people in the office are all my dad employees and are all older than me, so no chance of getting a girl there. My parents also forbade me to go anywhere because the case is rising…. and yes its true….. even my friend’s here are afraid to go out and only go to places that they really have to…. I’m so stressed that i keep thinking that i could waste my time as i feel im already old (im 22)…  but this situation force me this way. Tbh even without the cases i also think it’s hard for me to meet new people…. as i’m an introvert and i enjoy at home… and i only go out on weekend with my friends (my friend who i’ve known for a long time since school days), but i keep pressuring myself that if i dont make a move i wont get myself a girl…. and also to make me move on from that girl…..

    I even thought maybe i should go to uni again, maybe i can meet girls again. But i dont know when covid will end…. as if i go to uni now, it’ll be pointless as it’ll only be an online class and not meeting people for real. But also if i go to uni again…. i’d be wasting my parents money again….. and sometimes i also think it’s so annoying that i have to do assignments again…. I’m so confused now.

     

    You said:

    “Yes, it would be a wrong choice because you’d glue yourself to her, and she’s already told you she moved on, and there’s very little chance that you’d end up together. So it would just be suffering for you. Instead, you can use your time to work on yourself and open yourself to a possibility for true love. But first, work on developing more self-love and self-esteem, because that’s how you’ll be able to meet a girl who truly appreciates you for who you are.”

    = Tbh i look at a girl based on her physical appearance and also she must connect with my personality…. just like the girl who i cant move on… i really like her physical appearance and i think our personality matches that’s why it’s so hard to move on from her….. and everytime i try to find girls on social media i just dont feel most of their physical appearance suits my interest (most of it are pretty in my friends eyes, but i dont seem to have interest in those most girls)….. also due to my height i prefer girls who are shorter…. and there isnt much…. and also im an introvert so i dont like girls who stands out, and also i dont like if girls crave for attention with most guys….. i prefer the calm and innocent type (idk if u get what i mean). But sometimes due to the innocent type, most of those girls are focusing on their studies and not caring about relationships and boys….. whereas the girls who wants relationships are girls who stands out. Do u think im too picky?

     

    #380932
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Now that they might have concluded that im busy working that project when i wasnt, how should i deal with this….. luckily there’s only 2 people who replied asking me that time….. Should i just let go of that mistake, and get over with that regret for deceiving them?

    Yes, simply don’t mention it again, let it go. It was just 2 people, and you’ve learned your lesson, you haven’t posted about it any more. It was a mistake, but no big deal, life goes on. I am glad you feel calmer and with less pressure to post things that will make you feel better about yourself.

    I’m so stressed that i keep thinking that i could waste my time as i feel im already old (im 22)… but this situation force me this way

    I had to chuckle at this. If you were 32, it would still be young, but 22 is very young. You have plenty of time to find a girl who’ll become your wife.

    My advice is to spend the following months (specially since you still can’t go out too much and meet new people) working on yourself in some way, developing some skill, or exercising, or anything that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Try to choose something that you like and enjoy. It will distract you from thinking about finding a girl, and will do wonders for your self-esteem, I guarantee you.

    Is there a skill you’d like to develop? Or some hobby that you enjoy? Because you said you spend your days mostly in your room (when you’re not at work), and I think it would do you good to change that and get more active.

    #381079
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK

    Thank you once again for replying on my problems.

     

    You said:

    “Yes, simply don’t mention it again, let it go. It was just 2 people, and you’ve learned your lesson, you haven’t posted about it any more. It was a mistake, but no big deal, life goes on. I am glad you feel calmer and with less pressure to post things that will make you feel better about yourself.”

    = I feel like i wanna start a new fresh path for me…. after learning from my past mistakes… I wanna be a person who has very little pressure, as i cant handle pressure and it causes me stress, and what i’ve done before gives me pressure because of my own doing. So do u think i should just let go of the past mistakes (such as showing off to prove that i’m rich, posting something embarrassing on my instagram stories & posting to prove that im wealthy)…. like should i just let everthing about it go without thinking anything? Like completely let go without analyzing anything. Because i still feel uneasy as i still saw it as an unsettled matter. I tried distracting myself by doing something else, but will end up thinking about it when i stop doing the activity. So should i just not think about it at all? Like from those past mistakes, what do u think is the worst possible scenario? or actually there isnt any worse scenario at all and im just overthinking things.

     

    You said:

    “My advice is to spend the following months (specially since you still can’t go out too much and meet new people) working on yourself in some way, developing some skill, or exercising, or anything that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Try to choose something that you like and enjoy. It will distract you from thinking about finding a girl, and will do wonders for your self-esteem, I guarantee you.

    Is there a skill you’d like to develop? Or some hobby that you enjoy? Because you said you spend your days mostly in your room (when you’re not at work), and I think it would do you good to change that and get more active.”

    = Tbh there isnt really any hobby that i enjoy…. idk why. What i enjoy is only watching something in my room…. i feel like im like this because my parents never let me do any stuffs…. and also because they want me to continue the business and right now they didnt ask me to do difficult stuffs… like only helping in the office doing easy tasks…. but i dont want to blame them either as im also lazy.

    Most people i know after graduating uni are trying to find themselves a job, whereas i dont need to….. do u think i need to do the same as them? As i feel left behind, why am i different and i feel nothing special (only continuing business, while many of my friends work hard to get a job).

    But sometimes people i know (who is older than me, and working for way longer than me) said that im so lucky that i dont have to work so hard…. im so confused, as people at my age see someone who finds a job by themselves as hard working, as see someone continuing business as nothing special (like dont need effort to get the job)….

    As with my position right now i dont need to find any job and just do easy tasks in the office (i know you’ve said that i should ask my parents to task me something to make me feel accomplished, but i cant just take someone’s roles in the office…. as i’ll be taking their jobs).

    Do u think im still being immature here regarding on how i view jobs and work stuffs? As i wanna learn so i wont make the past mistakes. Also i believe my parents will never lead me to the wrong way, i always believe that they want me to achieve the best… right now it’s just that im confused with my situation.

     

    You said:

    “I had to chuckle at this. If you were 32, it would still be young, but 22 is very young. You have plenty of time to find a girl who’ll become your wife.”

    = Thank you for saying that im still very young, i feel relieved. I’m always worried that im running out of time because i always heard people said that most average boys marry before 30. And it’s just 7 years left, in which for me isnt a long time. Also because many of my friends are in a relationship, so they keep asking me….

    But i guess you are right, even 32 is still considered young…. like i shouldnt force and pressure myself.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Felix.
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