Dear miyoid:

Regarding the current guy/ boyfriend: you had an undefined relationship with him for some time in 2019, then he went to study abroad for six months (the two of you talked every single day during that time), then at the beginning of 2020, he returned to your country and moved in with you. He moved out about a year later, in April 2021.

On July 20, 2020, you wrote: “I (22) have a boyfriend (22), but then again, I’m depressed more than ever and I’m hopeless”- by July 2020, while living with him, you were depressed more than ever.

Today, you wrote regarding the same guy: “with him, I was able to feel safe for one year”-

What I understand about the year when you were “able to feel safe” is that (a) when away from his physical presence, you felt safe when talking to him on the phone, for as long as his words or tone of voice didn’t sound to you like the threat of him disappearing from your life. In between phone calls, you felt okay until a thought occurred to you that he didn’t call you soon enough, or some other thought about him leaving you.

(b) when in his physical presence, you felt safe for as long as his words, tone of voice, facial expressions and actions did not sound/ look to you like a threat that he will leave you. You felt safe when you were up at nights at the computer, knowing he is asleep in the next room. The moment he said something or expressed an emotion or an action that meant that he might leave you, you felt anxious.

All in all, you felt anxious most of the time of this relationship. At times, your anxiety was so high (the breakdowns you mentioned) that reuniting with him felt like a huge relief, the safest feeling ever.

It is also my understanding that your severe separation anxiety started when you were a very young child and existed ever since, no matter who your object of attachment is. This current guy just happened to be the current object of attachment.

He is not healthy emotionally, but no man who is emotionally healthy will be willing to live a life centered around your anxiety, calling you as often as you need him to, talking to you on the phone and otherwise for hours and hours, for as long as you need to, never saying anything that may worry you, never appearing distressed, etc.

It is your severe separation anxiety that has been disrupting your life in very significant ways, putting your life on hold (more than Covid has, more than the economic situation in your country)- it needs to be managed and healing needs to begin.

anita