April 23, 2021 at 8:20 pm #378603anitaParticipant
I read only the beginning of your recent thread, saying that you are okay, good to read that! I will read the rest of your post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.
anitaApril 24, 2021 at 3:09 am #378610TeaKParticipant
it’s good to hear from you! I am sorry you’ve got some doubts again, but it’s also okay you’re probing further, trying to get to know yourself better and better…
I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those, I just love when I create or accomplish something.
I am just doing what people want me to do, and I am in delusion about what I want.
I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that the only time your mother showed interest in you and gave you praise was when you made money from your designs, as a teenager? She was happy about the outcome – more money for both of you – but she wasn’t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I don’t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.
Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment – was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didn’t really appreciate it much?
I guess your father wasn’t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?
About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you. Even now, he disappeared and didn’t reply to your message for half a day. His behavior hasn’t really changed, so if you can’t break up with him, the best strategy is not to expect anything and to be prepared to stop contact whenever he behaves in ways that are hurtful or neglectful. It’s great – and super important – that he doesn’t live with you any more, so whenever you don’t like something, you can retreat to the safety of your own home.April 24, 2021 at 8:01 am #378625anitaParticipant
You are welcome. You shared that your boyfriend moved to another house weeks ago, and both of you adapted well to your new living situations. You sometimes appreciate living on your own, having your own space. You are still in a relationship with him, although it is not a defined relationship. Yesterday, he invited you to dinner for the next day. You figured that you cannot have dinner with him, but would like to send the night with him. You called him but he didn’t answer your call for almost 12 hours, and you figured that the reason is that “He was playing games and he probably slept, if nothing bad happened. Or maybe he is in a depressive state”. You were “not -that- anxious”, but anxious nonetheless, feeling hopeless and alone while other people around you have “some quality bonding with people they care about”. You wrote about yourself: “I am onto nothing, I am just doing what people want me to do”.
Regarding career, you get involved with this and that, but you don’t stay with anything long enough to master it, being “all over the place, not able to decide which paths to take and which fields to invest my time in”. You shared that you suffer from “unstable blood sugar levels” that makes you tired all the time, and in your life, there is “no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent. I guess the reason behind my depressiveness is that I have no goal. I cannot trick myself into wanting something bad enough to motivate me”. All your life you “wanted outcomes, not processes… too materialistic to believe in something.. too logical to invest my energy into ideology. Weird.”
My thoughts today: it’s like the life was sucked out of you at an early age, and whatever little life was left ever since flickered here and there with this and that interest before being extinguished again, light out, dark again. I think that the life/ light went out when at one point on, as a child, you spent too much time alone, for too long, day after day, year after year.
As social animals, the life we feel is in the emotional bonding we experience with others. We feel alive when we bond and connect. If you watch a dog, another social animal, when it sees another dog or a person, its tail starts wagging, and it proceeds to bond and connect with the other dog, or person- that’s the life that I am talking about.
Having had much of life extinguished in me as well, I know from personal experience that you can get that life back, and your experience of living will significantly change as a result.