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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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Viewing 4 posts - 241 through 244 (of 244 total)
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  • #406961
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Thank you, miyoid, I am having as much of a peaceful time as I can have. I will reply to the first part of your recent post and in a separate post, later on, I will reply to the rest.

    Yes, my father have never accused me of something“- when I first read this, I thought to myself: how lucky miyoid is for not being accused (because I  know how painful it was for me to be accused). But then, I thought: miyoid experienced lots of pain in childhood, she was not luckier than me.

    I only felt guilty because I wasn’t with him all the time, leaving him alone from time to time. I felt responsible… I was never responsible of his misery, but I felt like I did have the strength to help him by at least being with him more, for his own good“-

    – as an adult, you know that you were not and are not responsible for his misery, but the child-miyoid felt responsible for his misery, thinking something like: if I spend more time with him, if I don’t leave him alone.. he wouldn’t be so miserable!

    However, whenever I feel sad for him and decide to go, he… would either make me cry, or behave badly..  leaving me alone and going outside to be with some other people…just after 5 hours argues, even fights me over something stupid. The aim is to make me feel bad and be there for him, but after the aim is accomplished, I am trash to him“- I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.

    Other students thought that I was lucky. Some might even thought that I was privileged. But this was never the case“- when you spent time with him as a child, “just after 5 hours” he argued with you and made you feel bad. On the other hand, he spent way less than 5 hours at a time with his students, so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints.

    I know a girl who hates me over just this…. No compassion from (sister) whatsoever. She might have grudges towards me since I had a slightly easier childhood, less violence. That girl has a father she can hug with, be emotional around and she can even lay with him hugging, talking about physical contact here… When I was sleeping, I just moved my leg towards (father)  and touched him casually… he just took my leg with his hands and moved back towards myself, away from him.. the girl had wrong reasons to hate me, I see how that’s unfair. She was a mean kid“-

    – as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.

    And that girl… she was able to spend her father’s money comfortably. I never had this chance, always struggled even when we had the money. He just never liked giving it, so he never did. Not to me, my mom“- seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were his source of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?

    *The second part of this reply- later.

    anita

    #406962
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I feel an emotional transformation“- this sounds very good to my ears!

    I realized that when something bad happens, not related to me at all, the other person gets upset. That’s totally normal, but I feel responsible. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am the reason for that bad thing somehow.. .. I start to feel like I am not wanted there, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore“- this must have been how you felt when your father got upset, while you were visiting him. It is normal for a child to think and feel this way.

    I know that I am not but my mood suddenly changes, and I don’t feel safe anymore“- afraid of what your father was going to do to you next. As adults, without an emotional transformation, we keep feeling and thinking and acting and reacting the same as we did as children.

    After realizing it the other day, I tried to control myself. Even though my partner was upset, not related to me again, I tried to keep myself calm and comfy, as the problem was not mine“- excellent!

    “The real transformation, however, happened yesterday. I know that people say things like ‘be nice to the kid inside of you’ and so on. I never did that because I am still that kid, I feel like that. I feel vulnerable most of the time. Last night…  I found him in the street and he was angry at me… I just didn’t accept him being angry at me, as we went inside the place I was calmly explaining and asking. ‘Why did you get angry with me, did I do something wrong? No. Why then?’ Asking this 2-3 times sobered him a little and he accepted I was innocent, he was like a little cat owning up, calming down and accepting what I say. He obeyed what I said. It was like I had another ‘myself’ in me who protected that little kid. This has never happened like this before, I thought about this a lot before I slept yesterday. I felt different”-

    – so far, I read part of your post, replied to it, read the next part, replied to it etc. It is now 12:17 am your time and I just read the paragraph right above for the first time (and not for the last part)- A M A Z I N G!!! This is miyoid taking charge, miyoid the adult- not just physically the adult- but mentally and emotionally: initiating, taking charge, and he rightfully obeying,  agreeing with you and changing his feeling and behavior as a result.

    Mentally and emotionally, you are no longer solely a child: you are also an adult (“another ‘myself’“): calm, rational, fair, in charge; no longer passively submitting to others, but assertive, powerful!

    miyoid, you made my day, I am THRILLIED!!!

    anita

    #407321
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita, I hope you’ve had a great week.

    Yes, I shouldn’t take the fact that I don’t feel guilty, at least rationally, granted. I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling. And being abused for years and so on, mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kid, with no problems they had to deal with and no drama. I was living my teenage years silently, so they didn’t have to make so much effort like they did with my big sister. As they always tell, my big sister was a suffocatingly hard child. I was the opposite.

    I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.

    I am too! I’ve actually always known this, but I am acting like it now. Before, I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up, as far as I know, he was never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. He was brought up to be a narcissist and also my sister was like that because his mother also took care of her when mom worked. They didn’t took care of me, I was mostly with my mom’s mom or at some child schools. And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents, maybe. A side of me thinks that everyone should be that understanding, to everyone. And I see not-understanding, intolerant people a bit selfish. But maybe that’s wrong. I am at a phase where I question this, and maybe since I tried to correct my boundaries, my parent-understanding behavior has also affected by that. When I think about how some parents behave, and how some teachers neglect or behave badly to some children, I remember my own memories. And I feel angry towards them, especially to the teachers.

    so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints

    I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him, and he was an idealistic teacher. He was the best, they all loved him. Everyone that knew him outside of school knew that he was kind of hard, but he was the best in his job. Everybody thought that he was one of the most intelligent, intellectual man around. But at home, he owned us. He especially owned my mother, and even though he loved her and wanted to have her before their marriage, afterwards he just behaved her like a furniture. Over the years, he was afraid of losing her so he acted bad, weirdly enough, he lost her.

    I’ll mention something really personal but since this is in another language, I trust the anonymity. My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault. And one day, my mom getting scared again because of the operation, told my dad to get a vasectomy since it’s much more easier and with no risk. My dad refused, told that “nothing is definite, if I get that operation, who knows what would happen?”. Mom complained, “but you’re making me have a much riskier operation for several times?”. Dad refused, and replied, “it’s not the same.” I cannot imagine how rejected and worthless my mom might have felt. I also have that “worthless” feeling inside of me when I am behaved badly. After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder and so on and it makes me think, he refused to have that tiny operation around his penis and then he had to suffer a dozen on the same area. Although, if he didn’t refuse to have vasectomy, I wouldn’t be here writing these words.

    – as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.

    All the compassion I’ve received was from my mom, and from some teachers, I guess 1 or 2. I always loved my teachers, but I was afraid to communicate so I always knew my ground and didn’t ask for much. I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad. And now I am trying to overgrow out of that habit. And as for “misunderstood”, I feel like I wasn’t understood at all. Cause I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more. I should be okay with what I have. I am still, today, afraid to ask for more.

    seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were hissource of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?

    He got a weird relationship with money. He liked to act like he had none, but he always cared for his car, his own needs only. He didn’t like giving it to us, we had to act very economical and we did so. Although my sister refused that, she wasteful at times and I’ve seen that. I’ve seen how hard mom tried to support her after the divorce and that’s why I got more economical and started earning some money around high school cause I had to help mom. I knew how stingy was dad, but mom always tried to tolerate him. I was a normal kid with normal working parents, but I lived like a poor child a bit.

    And your second post was the most positive respond I got from you, and I felt even more encouraged after reading it. Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!

    As I write these in a cafe, I got emotional at some parts but I kept myself and my eyes still, I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit. It may be approved, it may be rejected. But either way, this is a big step and over the past few months, I realized I want to do this. But I want to do this to prove myself to everyone, this is the feeling I get. In my child, teenage and now working years, I’ve always seen other people getting to places they don’t work enough for. And I waited and waited, now I have this chance to prove myself to them. I am not sure if this is right for me to feel, sounds a bit like rivalry. Although I have to accept it and apply, that’s the final decision. However, I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent, again. And since I know he is a bit hesitant to “distant-relationships”, I feel even more discouraged. But I have to tell him at some point. I wish there was a way to make him try hard for us like I would do.

    I even talked with my boss to discuss how often I can visit my country and I would be able to work hard for a month and then visit here every other month, maybe work remotely for a week or so. That way, I would be able to be with him and handle my business here apart from that company as well. Dreaming, thinking, planning.. Not sure if it’ll work. Going to do more yoga to relax my mind and if I cannot take it and feel that desperate, I’ll go speak with the fortuneteller lady again.

    #407348
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling“- this is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is about: correcting feelings by thinking rationally.

    mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kidAll the compassion I’ve received was from my mom“- she did help you. My mother repeatedly told me that I was a bad kid, the worse. Too often, there was hate and no compassion in her words and behaviors toward me. I can see how your mother was different from mine.

    You wrote regarding your father’s abuse: “I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up… never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. … And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents“- exactly! For so many years, decades, really, I invested my time, my thoughts, my feelings: all of me was invested in efforts to understand my mother: how hard her life was, how terrible her childhood, how much she suffered…  And all along, it was as if I didn’t exist in my own life, as if she was Everything and I was… nowhere to be seen, or heard.

    I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him“- your point of view is the correct one. Yes, it makes sense that being narcissistic, he was invested in a persona/  a mask.

    My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault…“- I got angry at your father reading this, very angry. And I felt empathy for your mother. In the past, when I read about your mother,  I projected my negative experience with my mother into yours, and therefore,  I was inclined to interpret your mother’s behaviors negatively. Now, I can see that my projections were inaccurate. Now, I view your mother much more positively and empathetically than I did before.

    After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder…“- almost reads like karma, doesn’t it.

    I was living my teenage years silently“- no more living your life silently!

    I was afraid to communicate… I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more“- it is time (and you have the right) to communicate, to express and to ask for more!

    “I always knew my ground…I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad.. I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent.“- it is time to explore another ground, another country, to no longer stay in one place;  to no longer set your life aside so to accommodate another person’s preferences… to set yourself free, best you can, from your father’s abuse!

    I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit…  Dreaming, thinking, planning“- I like reading of a dreaming miyoid, voicing her dreams, planning, taking action… exciting!

    Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!“- you are welcome, miyoid: you are very worthy of my genuine appreciation!

    anita

Viewing 4 posts - 241 through 244 (of 244 total)

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