September 14, 2022 at 1:31 pm #406961AnonymousGuest
Thank you, miyoid, I am having as much of a peaceful time as I can have. I will reply to the first part of your recent post and in a separate post, later on, I will reply to the rest.
“Yes, my father have never accused me of something“- when I first read this, I thought to myself: how lucky miyoid is for not being accused (because I know how painful it was for me to be accused). But then, I thought: miyoid experienced lots of pain in childhood, she was not luckier than me.
“I only felt guilty because I wasn’t with him all the time, leaving him alone from time to time. I felt responsible… I was never responsible of his misery, but I felt like I did have the strength to help him by at least being with him more, for his own good“-
– as an adult, you know that you were not and are not responsible for his misery, but the child-miyoid felt responsible for his misery, thinking something like: if I spend more time with him, if I don’t leave him alone.. he wouldn’t be so miserable!
“However, whenever I feel sad for him and decide to go, he… would either make me cry, or behave badly.. leaving me alone and going outside to be with some other people…just after 5 hours argues, even fights me over something stupid. The aim is to make me feel bad and be there for him, but after the aim is accomplished, I am trash to him“- I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.
“Other students thought that I was lucky. Some might even thought that I was privileged. But this was never the case“- when you spent time with him as a child, “just after 5 hours” he argued with you and made you feel bad. On the other hand, he spent way less than 5 hours at a time with his students, so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints.
“I know a girl who hates me over just this…. No compassion from (sister) whatsoever. She might have grudges towards me since I had a slightly easier childhood, less violence. That girl has a father she can hug with, be emotional around and she can even lay with him hugging, talking about physical contact here… When I was sleeping, I just moved my leg towards (father) and touched him casually… he just took my leg with his hands and moved back towards myself, away from him.. the girl had wrong reasons to hate me, I see how that’s unfair. She was a mean kid“-
– as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.
“And that girl… she was able to spend her father’s money comfortably. I never had this chance, always struggled even when we had the money. He just never liked giving it, so he never did. Not to me, my mom“- seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were his source of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?
*The second part of this reply- later.
anitaSeptember 14, 2022 at 2:26 pm #406962AnonymousGuest
“I feel an emotional transformation“- this sounds very good to my ears!
“I realized that when something bad happens, not related to me at all, the other person gets upset. That’s totally normal, but I feel responsible. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am the reason for that bad thing somehow.. .. I start to feel like I am not wanted there, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore“- this must have been how you felt when your father got upset, while you were visiting him. It is normal for a child to think and feel this way.
“I know that I am not but my mood suddenly changes, and I don’t feel safe anymore“- afraid of what your father was going to do to you next. As adults, without an emotional transformation, we keep feeling and thinking and acting and reacting the same as we did as children.
“After realizing it the other day, I tried to control myself. Even though my partner was upset, not related to me again, I tried to keep myself calm and comfy, as the problem was not mine“- excellent!
“The real transformation, however, happened yesterday. I know that people say things like ‘be nice to the kid inside of you’ and so on. I never did that because I am still that kid, I feel like that. I feel vulnerable most of the time. Last night… I found him in the street and he was angry at me… I just didn’t accept him being angry at me, as we went inside the place I was calmly explaining and asking. ‘Why did you get angry with me, did I do something wrong? No. Why then?’ Asking this 2-3 times sobered him a little and he accepted I was innocent, he was like a little cat owning up, calming down and accepting what I say. He obeyed what I said. It was like I had another ‘myself’ in me who protected that little kid. This has never happened like this before, I thought about this a lot before I slept yesterday. I felt different”-
– so far, I read part of your post, replied to it, read the next part, replied to it etc. It is now 12:17 am your time and I just read the paragraph right above for the first time (and not for the last part)- A M A Z I N G!!! This is miyoid taking charge, miyoid the adult- not just physically the adult- but mentally and emotionally: initiating, taking charge, and he rightfully obeying, agreeing with you and changing his feeling and behavior as a result.
Mentally and emotionally, you are no longer solely a child: you are also an adult (“another ‘myself’“): calm, rational, fair, in charge; no longer passively submitting to others, but assertive, powerful!
miyoid, you made my day, I am THRILLIED!!!
anitaSeptember 23, 2022 at 1:10 am #407321
Dear Anita, I hope you’ve had a great week.
Yes, I shouldn’t take the fact that I don’t feel guilty, at least rationally, granted. I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling. And being abused for years and so on, mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kid, with no problems they had to deal with and no drama. I was living my teenage years silently, so they didn’t have to make so much effort like they did with my big sister. As they always tell, my big sister was a suffocatingly hard child. I was the opposite.
I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.
I am too! I’ve actually always known this, but I am acting like it now. Before, I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up, as far as I know, he was never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. He was brought up to be a narcissist and also my sister was like that because his mother also took care of her when mom worked. They didn’t took care of me, I was mostly with my mom’s mom or at some child schools. And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents, maybe. A side of me thinks that everyone should be that understanding, to everyone. And I see not-understanding, intolerant people a bit selfish. But maybe that’s wrong. I am at a phase where I question this, and maybe since I tried to correct my boundaries, my parent-understanding behavior has also affected by that. When I think about how some parents behave, and how some teachers neglect or behave badly to some children, I remember my own memories. And I feel angry towards them, especially to the teachers.
so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints
I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him, and he was an idealistic teacher. He was the best, they all loved him. Everyone that knew him outside of school knew that he was kind of hard, but he was the best in his job. Everybody thought that he was one of the most intelligent, intellectual man around. But at home, he owned us. He especially owned my mother, and even though he loved her and wanted to have her before their marriage, afterwards he just behaved her like a furniture. Over the years, he was afraid of losing her so he acted bad, weirdly enough, he lost her.
I’ll mention something really personal but since this is in another language, I trust the anonymity. My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault. And one day, my mom getting scared again because of the operation, told my dad to get a vasectomy since it’s much more easier and with no risk. My dad refused, told that “nothing is definite, if I get that operation, who knows what would happen?”. Mom complained, “but you’re making me have a much riskier operation for several times?”. Dad refused, and replied, “it’s not the same.” I cannot imagine how rejected and worthless my mom might have felt. I also have that “worthless” feeling inside of me when I am behaved badly. After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder and so on and it makes me think, he refused to have that tiny operation around his penis and then he had to suffer a dozen on the same area. Although, if he didn’t refuse to have vasectomy, I wouldn’t be here writing these words.
– as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.
All the compassion I’ve received was from my mom, and from some teachers, I guess 1 or 2. I always loved my teachers, but I was afraid to communicate so I always knew my ground and didn’t ask for much. I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad. And now I am trying to overgrow out of that habit. And as for “misunderstood”, I feel like I wasn’t understood at all. Cause I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more. I should be okay with what I have. I am still, today, afraid to ask for more.
seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were hissource of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?
He got a weird relationship with money. He liked to act like he had none, but he always cared for his car, his own needs only. He didn’t like giving it to us, we had to act very economical and we did so. Although my sister refused that, she wasteful at times and I’ve seen that. I’ve seen how hard mom tried to support her after the divorce and that’s why I got more economical and started earning some money around high school cause I had to help mom. I knew how stingy was dad, but mom always tried to tolerate him. I was a normal kid with normal working parents, but I lived like a poor child a bit.
And your second post was the most positive respond I got from you, and I felt even more encouraged after reading it. Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!
As I write these in a cafe, I got emotional at some parts but I kept myself and my eyes still, I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit. It may be approved, it may be rejected. But either way, this is a big step and over the past few months, I realized I want to do this. But I want to do this to prove myself to everyone, this is the feeling I get. In my child, teenage and now working years, I’ve always seen other people getting to places they don’t work enough for. And I waited and waited, now I have this chance to prove myself to them. I am not sure if this is right for me to feel, sounds a bit like rivalry. Although I have to accept it and apply, that’s the final decision. However, I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent, again. And since I know he is a bit hesitant to “distant-relationships”, I feel even more discouraged. But I have to tell him at some point. I wish there was a way to make him try hard for us like I would do.
I even talked with my boss to discuss how often I can visit my country and I would be able to work hard for a month and then visit here every other month, maybe work remotely for a week or so. That way, I would be able to be with him and handle my business here apart from that company as well. Dreaming, thinking, planning.. Not sure if it’ll work. Going to do more yoga to relax my mind and if I cannot take it and feel that desperate, I’ll go speak with the fortuneteller lady again.September 23, 2022 at 1:02 pm #407348AnonymousGuest
“I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling“- this is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is about: correcting feelings by thinking rationally.
“mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kid… All the compassion I’ve received was from my mom“- she did help you. My mother repeatedly told me that I was a bad kid, the worse. Too often, there was hate and no compassion in her words and behaviors toward me. I can see how your mother was different from mine.
You wrote regarding your father’s abuse: “I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up… never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. … And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents“- exactly! For so many years, decades, really, I invested my time, my thoughts, my feelings: all of me was invested in efforts to understand my mother: how hard her life was, how terrible her childhood, how much she suffered… And all along, it was as if I didn’t exist in my own life, as if she was Everything and I was… nowhere to be seen, or heard.
“I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him“- your point of view is the correct one. Yes, it makes sense that being narcissistic, he was invested in a persona/ a mask.
“My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault…“- I got angry at your father reading this, very angry. And I felt empathy for your mother. In the past, when I read about your mother, I projected my negative experience with my mother into yours, and therefore, I was inclined to interpret your mother’s behaviors negatively. Now, I can see that my projections were inaccurate. Now, I view your mother much more positively and empathetically than I did before.
“After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder…“- almost reads like karma, doesn’t it.
“I was living my teenage years silently“- no more living your life silently!
“I was afraid to communicate… I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more“- it is time (and you have the right) to communicate, to express and to ask for more!
“I always knew my ground…I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad.. I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent.“- it is time to explore another ground, another country, to no longer stay in one place; to no longer set your life aside so to accommodate another person’s preferences… to set yourself free, best you can, from your father’s abuse!
“I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit… Dreaming, thinking, planning“- I like reading of a dreaming miyoid, voicing her dreams, planning, taking action… exciting!
“Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!“- you are welcome, miyoid: you are very worthy of my genuine appreciation!
anitaOctober 5, 2022 at 12:25 am #407982
Hi Anita, I hope you feel nice and content today. I sometimes feel selfish for writing here and expecting an answer. I don’t understand how can you help so many people with compassion, over and over again. It must be tiring sometimes.
Something got into me. If I would have beliefs, I would say that the evil eye did it or something. Yesterday, after working well for a couple of hours, I felt exhausted. Then it was like my barriers couldn’t protect me from bad thought loops. I was all vulnerable, and the thoughts were all attacking me. After I got outside and went to my BFs house, my body felt all the worries and I was suffering. I cried and then tried to get back to normal, but then it started again. All the evening it was like I was too tired to control my mind, self-sabotaging thoughts, and doubts about what I do and what I’ll do. I felt worthless. My BF had to work a little extra, but I felt like he was texting somebody or something like that. I was full of doubt about everyone. I had nothing valuable in my life. I even wanted to cease to exist, cause it was painful to be there, be anywhere. I thought of my ex-boyfriend at some point, I felt like he would understand. But then I let that thought go cause it wasn’t rational, I was just kidding myself, he wouldn’t understand. Or even if he would, he would harm me.
It was like my childhood all over again, I tried to distract myself the whole evening. BF did help, but my mind was attacking him without him knowing it. Then my dreams were also self-sabotaging. I was jealous of him because he was hanging with a confident friend of mine. I was not in control.
I’ll try to let these self-sabotaging hours and mind go today, I’ll start meditating/yoga again. It was like my mind was contaminated and these were all the side effects.
I also realized something yesterday, I am sceptical about everyone and everything. I feel good with my BF cause he is honest and he doesn’t exaggerate stuff. But when I listen to somebody, I always know that they might add, omit and exaggerate the stuff they’re telling. I guess this is tiring. Even when I overshare or share the normal amount of information about myself, I started to feel like they could harm me or their thoughts even, can harm me. I must never let anybody get jealous of me, my job, or my relationship or get the wrong thoughts about me. I even thought this contamination of mine could’ve happened because I told an old friend about my work permit application earlier yesterday before I got that bad. It was like, she had the wrong thoughts and that contaminated my mind.October 5, 2022 at 11:30 am #407993AnonymousGuest
I wish you didn’t feel selfish for writing here, not more than I feel selfish for writing here (I don’t): you are an asset here, not a burden!
“Something got into me. If I would have beliefs, I would say that the evil eye did it or something… .. Even when I overshare or share the normal amount of information about myself, I started to feel like they could harm me or their thoughts even, can harm me. I must never let anybody get jealous of me, my job, or my relationship or get the wrong thoughts about me“-
– I studied the Evil Eye belief this morning: it is the belief that someone can purposely give you bad luck by simply wishing it on you or by giving you an angry look. The idea is that if you experience any success, of if you are happy or if your positive attributes show (beauty, intelligence, etc.), someone will feel envy and give you the evil eye, and your happiness, positive attributes and success will be undone. Therefore, many people hide their positive attributes and success and make sure they look unhappy so… to avoid the evil eye.
It is true that people feel envy: from an early age, if a child has a toy that another child doesn’t, the one without the toy may get angry and snatch the toy away! But notice, the envious child does not snatch the toy away with his thoughts or with an angry look. He/ she snatches the toy away with his hands and arms! Similarly, there are adult crimes in real-life that are motivated by envy.. but again, the crimes are done not by thoughts or an angry look, but with hands and weapons. In regard to crime, I can’t recall a single violent crime reported in the news that was motivated by envy: crime is often motivated by other powerful emotions and by a crime mentality involved in criminal endeavors, such as extortion.
No one’s thoughts, or the way they look at you can hurt you… unless you believe that it can: if you believe that a person’s thoughts or the way the person looks at you can undo your success, you get very anxious as a result of this belief. Next thing, you are driving anxiously, inattentively and you get into an accident. It is not bad luck or a curse that caused the accident: it is the anxiety that is responsible for the accident. In other words, it is the belief in the evil eye concept that is the problem, not the concept itself. If you didn’t believe in it… it would have no power over you.
bbc. com/ the strange power of the evil eye: “In essence, the curse of the evil eye is not a complicated concept; it stems from the belief that someone who achieves great success or recognition also attracts the envy of those around them. That envy in turn manifests itself as a curse that will undo their good fortune”- lots and lots of people who achieved great success and recognition are successful and recognized decades after their initial success… not because no one was envious of them.
life science. com/ evil eye: “The evil eye is well known throughout history. It is mentioned in ancient Greek and Roman texts, as well as in many famous literary works, including the Bible… The evil eye is essentially a specific type of magical curse, and has its roots in magical thinking and superstition. Let’s say that a person experiences bad luck, ill health, accident, or some unexplained calamity — perhaps a drought or an infectious disease. Before science could explain weather patterns and germ theory, any bad event for which there was not an obvious cause might be blamed on a curse… Curses, including the evil eye, are an answer to the age-old question of why bad things happen to good people…
“It is tempting to view the evil eye as an ancient, discredited belief that plays no role in our 21st-century world. Instead, as folklorist Dundes notes, we ‘should keep in mind that the evil eye is not some old-fashioned superstitious belief of interest solely to antiquarians. The evil eye continues to be a powerful factor affecting the behavior of countless millions of people throughout the world” –
– miyoid, I hope that you will no longer be one of the countless of millions of people in the world who are harmed by believing in this untrue belief!
“I even thought this contamination of mine could’ve happened because I told an old friend about my work permit application earlier yesterday before I got that bad. It was like, she had the wrong thoughts and that contaminated my mind“- the belief that the friend’s thoughts or the way she looked at you could give you bad luck is.. untrue, but the belief itself causes you a lot of distress and suffering.
“Yesterday, after working well for a couple of hours, I felt exhausted… and the thoughts were all attacking… and I was suffering… I was too tired to control my mind, self-sabotaging thoughts… I even wanted to cease to exist, cause it was painful to be there, be anywhere“- if you removed from your brain the belief in the evil eye, bad luck and curses, you will have way fewer thoughts attacking and sabotaging you.
“I also realized something yesterday, I am skeptical about everyone and everything. I feel good with my BF cause he is honest and he doesn’t exaggerate stuff. But when I listen to somebody, I always know that they might add, omit and exaggerate the stuff they’re telling. I guess this is tiring“- good to read that you can trust your boyfriend to be honest. On the other hand, many people do add, omit and exaggerate, and it can be very helpful to be aware of this fact and to remain aware. Try to limit your distress in regard to this topic by thinking: how can this particular person’s adding/omitting/exaggerating hurt me? If a person is trying to sell you something for a lot of money, better consider all the ways he/ she may be adding, omitting and exaggerating. If on the other hand, the adding/ omitting/ exaggerating person is just talking to you, on a train ride, let’s say, it is a matter of no consequence to you, no use stressing over it. You can excuse yourself and.. sit elsewhere, if you have that option.
anitaOctober 16, 2022 at 10:47 am #408580AnonymousGuest
Dear miyoid: it’s been 11 days since you posted last. I wish you mental calm: a sense of peace in-between-the-ears, so to speak. You can’t control a lot of what happens outside of you, but that short distance in between the ears: I hope that it becomes more and more free from negative, magical thinking (evil eye, curses, bad luck), and filled instead with cautious, realistic optimism.
anitaOctober 26, 2022 at 2:16 pm #409070
Thank you, Anita, I hope your days are full of joy and peace. Thanks for your wishes.
I actually am not afraid of the evil eye, the curses, or even bad luck. When to think about it, I even think that I am lucky. Especially these days. I’ve worked on myself and set some boundaries regardless of how challenging it was for me and for some people like my dad and sister always demanding more. I still feel guilty because of those boundaries, but at least, I am kind of used to them right now. I limit my interaction, I realize how I let anybody get in and influence the way I think in the past, and also now. I feel grateful that I have somebody in my life that provides me with the ability to observe myself, and my thought habits without harming me. I’ve realized a lot, even though I am very slow. I still feel that I am at risk with him when something slightly unpleasant happens. I feel like I can be judged, and abandoned. And I feel resentment and jealousy towards people that can act recklessly. Maybe I’ve stressed that before. People can actually react in bad ways, or good ways without being afraid. That’s not fair. However, I’ll be forever working on myself regarding this.
I am still worried that my foreign job thingy since it can risk my relationship, but I’m trying to hold onto my sanity. I just purchased some oils and a perfume bottle to create my own perfume with different types of oil, maybe that can distract me as well.October 26, 2022 at 2:30 pm #409072AnonymousGuest
I thought about you only a couple of hours before you posted! Although your post is not long, I still want to reply in the morning, when I feel more refreshed. (It is Wed 2:30 pm here, Thurs 12:30 am where you’re at).
anitaOctober 27, 2022 at 11:45 am #409136AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. I wish I could smell the perfume you will be creating (or already created).
“I actually am not afraid of the evil eye, the curses, or even bad luck“- good thing! “I’ve worked on myself and set some boundaries regardless of how challenging it was… I still feel guilty because of those boundaries, but at least, I am kind of used to them right now“- congrats and keep getting used to the boundaries you created!
“I limit my interaction, I realize how I let anybody get in and influence the way I think in the past, and also now“- we have to limit (or eliminate) our interactions with people who influence us negatively.
“I feel grateful that I have somebody in my life that provides me with the ability to observe myself, and my thought habits without harming me“- it’s the least that we should expect from anyone (family, friend, boyfriend) with whom we choose to spend time with: that they let us be, that they don’t harm us!
“I’ve realized a lot, even though I am very slow“- not as slow-low-low as I used to be.
“I still feel that I am at risk with him… like I can be judged, and abandoned“- your fear of being judged and abandoned is weaker (most of the time) than it used to be, isn’t it?
“I feel resentment and jealousy towards people who can act recklessly. Maybe I’ve stressed that before. People can actually react in bad ways, or good ways without being afraid. That’s not fair“- yes, you did mention this before: jealously at others who are not as afraid of being judged and abandoned, others who are therefore comfortable to .. just be, being without that restrictive fear.
“However, I’ll be forever working on myself regarding this“- this is the amazing, successful miyoid that I know!
“I am still worried that my foreign job thingy since it can risk my relationship, but I’m trying to hold onto my sanity“- a worried person can still be a sane person: keep that worry in check. Good to read back from you, and looking forward to the next time you post!
anitaDecember 24, 2022 at 12:30 pm #412586AnonymousGuest
I hope you are well, miyoid, MeRRy ChRistmaS!
anitaDecember 27, 2022 at 6:23 am #412688
I have opened up the forum in the past week and never had the energy to put my feelings here. I hope you’ve had an amazing Christmas and will have an amazing New Years. May the new year bring you so much more peace and happiness.
I’ve had a mental crisis recently where I learned that my landlord is planning to increase my rent by %400 and if I don’t pay that, they will sue me. Just when I managed to have the house to myself, without any toxic flatmates (the last one of them will leave next month), I’ve learned that maybe I will have to move to my mom’s house or something, since there are no rental houses for affordable prices anymore. So I was terrified, depressed, crying all the time. I felt so alone, everybody had something to say, some stuff they could suggest but nobody was actually with me in this. I was all alone, and I had to face this problem on my own. My bf was working a lot those days, so he also couldn’t really support. He was by my side, but he was not saying me that “we would handle this together.” So I felt awful. He was hugging, not saying much about the subject. He was trying to distract me.
I even told him a story of my childhood which I find very vulnerable. When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed. I was either with my father in the same city, or with my mom in another city. I needed somebody’s support I guess, I needed them to understand me and maybe care for me. I felt so alone. When I was with my mom, she used to listen to me for a while and tried to support. Maybe she didn’t have much patience but she tried, she was also having depressed times I figured later on. But when I was with my dad, he never had the courage to deal with this problem. Never tried to understand or talk to me about it, as far as I remember. Never even hugged me. He was afraid of his own emotions I suppose, and if he confronted me, he wouldn’t be able to handle them? Not sure. Maybe he just didn’t care since he was fixated on himself. So he always found a place to drop me off, to hang out. He was a teacher, so he knew so many people. He used to find some family who has a child around my age and then I was there, left to hang out with them, play with them. The same scenario used to happen always, I was distracted for a while and then when it ends, I start crying. The family tries to understand me, support me but what can they do? I don’t even know what my problem is, so I probably never explained fully. I think I used to say that I missed my mom or stuff like that. Then finally when I stop crying, dad picks me up. After a while, I learned to hold myself and not cry in front of others, and my parents as well.
When I told this story which I only told you and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else. I felt bad since he was not there with me. He just waited for me to calm down, that’s all.
My mom also talked about him in a bad way for the first time. She told me that since he is not that active regarding this crisis, maybe I should observe him more. She made me doubt him and after that, I was also a bit weird to him. I kind of stated that I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, “you can always move in with me”, “we’ll do it together”, “I would never let you move out of this city”. These words comfort people, distracting never works! I hate distractions when I am in a crisis, I guess I learned that it’s never the right thing and who am I even kidding?
But then after a while, 2-3 days later when he is not as busy as before, he got what I felt. He supported and said, “if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.” I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind.
The problem still exists, but now that I heard him say these which apparently meant a lot for me, I feel calmer, and better. After a few days of crying, being depressed I woke up with 4 cold sores on my mouth. It was terrible and I actually saw how much it affects my health and my body. A few days of crisis made my body react this fast.
But the fact that if he didn’t say those words, I would be worse now terrifies me. I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words. And also extremely surprised to see that my body had something to say as well about this stressful and depressive days. She didn’t like it apparently, and now I am healing my lips.December 27, 2022 at 5:18 pm #412710AnonymousGuest
I didn’t have internet all day long, so I wasn’t able to read or reply. I am now downtown where there is internet. I will read and reply to you Wed morning, assuming I have the internet back by then (it is currently Tues 5:18 pm here)December 28, 2022 at 8:22 am #412754AnonymousGuest
Thank you! I am sorry to read about your rental situation, this is depressing! The rental/ housing situation is depressing in many countries nowadays… and landlords’ greed takes over.
“When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed… When I told this story, which I only told you, and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else… I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, ‘you can always move in with me’, ‘we’ll do it together’… 2-3 days later.. he supported and said, ‘if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.‘ I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind… I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words”-
-what a story: as I read it, I myself felt relief when he said what I boldfaced above! Maybe at first when you cried, he didn’t say anything to you because he is in the responsible habit of thinking before he says anything; in which case, you can trust him to follow his words with action, when his actions are needed.
Try to not be so scared about your dependence on him. We are all dependent, really, simply because by nature, we are social animals. The very nature of social animals is to depend on each other. He depends on you too!
I hope your lips heal soon: 4 cold sores are… 4 too many! (I had cold sores since I was a teenager.. they get much better over time: smaller and less frequent).
anitaFebruary 6, 2023 at 7:47 am #415071TeeParticipant
I am reading today about a horrible earthquake in the south of Turkey…. I hope you are fine and that you and your family haven’t been affected?