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Alecsee

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  • #311063

    Alecsee
    Participant

    In the first half of 2018, I was an angry individual because of my job. In 2019 i tried to please my ex and mold myself into her needs because I wanted to show her that I was someone with whom she could have spend with her life with. Things didnt work out but my ex of 4 yrs word’s stuck with me. “You never gave me attention or were that affectionate”. So I carried that to the next relationship without realizing it… and this gf needed space. She was an introvert and needed to recharge. After 2/3 months of not being official, once we became official things started to change in my mind, I wanted to give her more love and attention, while before I wasnt but to my introverted ex, not really prioritizing her was the perfect balance for her socially and work and self care wise. She mentioned that growing up, her parents didnt really raise her, they were too busy doing other stuff. They gave her some toys and practically just fed her. So i guess attention and affection is something she wasnt used to. She seeemed fine with it until the late stage. So it makes sense. But she took everything fine, it was that final month of being in a relationship and me not working that much that led to this path.

    I am not angry, we had one normal argument as a couple and mentally she couldnt handle it along with everything she held inside herself. Shes emotionally fragile (which is not a bad thing) im not going to beat myself up for something that was going to happen, we were both under a lot of stress.

    She is probably afraid of getting someone upset because her dad mentally abused her when he drank so tries her best to avoid confrotation and avoid any sort of response. My ex gf stuck with me during one of the lowest points in my life. I was angry at the world during the 1st 6 monts of 2018. After that i learned to be more calm and patient and I did a lot of medidation. So i dont think I was angry. I had a simple discussion with her, a simple argument and she was unable to cope with that. Thats normal in a relationship . In 2018, i was mad that i was being bothered. Now, I just addressed an issue. So no parties can be blamed

     

     

    I appreciate everyones help and input. Ive learned a lot but sometimes when you care you tend to perhaps go a little above and beyond and I was too intense

     

    It just sucks because we promised each other we would do all these wild sexual things ive never experienced (unprotected sex, a threesome, and halloween roleplay) and it sucks not being to carry those out. Thats probably why I am sad and why i am regretting and why i cannot let go cuz it was so sudden and my brain couldnt process. We both have ghosts of the pasts that didnt mesh with this relationship. It’s just kind of curious that the relationship work best when my 100% wasn’t in it. That is what worked for her since she wasn’t so used to the attention and affection. But also my ex’s wishes should have stayed with my ex not with the relationship I establish with the introverted gf. The sexual part is maybe 40% of it but I grew to care about this person a lot in a matter of 4 months. She pick me up from a tough spot in my life and I was more vulnerable at that time because I had given it my all with my ex of 4 years. So I was susceptible and maybe more selfish and didn’t appreciate what I had, but it was when I did want to be more affectionate and give more attention when everything went downhill. It was circumstantial I also wasn’t working much of the time and I was just focusing I’m hanging out with her so I can understand. Whatever happens, I know the reason why things happened. I hope we can be friends with her or something more in these coming months. She has helped me a lot. And that’s why I want to help her. Whatever way I can. Thank you guys, I really appreciate it

    #310931

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I am trying to keep cordial and civil by still wanting to be friends by not burning bridges but it might be too early. I suggest that because If i have a shot later i would like to work it out.

     

    And i know my analysis might seem rough but it’s cuz it’s the truth

    #310927

    Alecsee
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I appreciate your answers Peggy. And for taking the time to write a response. I dont think people have 4 year relationships without being able to communicate and pick up on their partner’s habits. I do feel like I can pick up on a person’s vibes and can read their body language… but the two times I have attempted to interact with introverts on a more intimate level, I have encountered much difficulty in reading them. I should rephrase. They were introverts who don’t display their emotions visually or through facial or body expressions. They seem nonchalant and indifferent on most things. You can’t tell what they are thinking cuz they might be spacing out or not 100 in this world? They have identical reactions to different things and that makes them difficult to read. I am an ex extrovert gone 75% introverted because I like my own company and when presented with being social, I have no problem. My tone might sound smug or cocky but this is the reality. And it’s because of their poor social skills. I was very understanding. But Making people wait hrs while not alerting them and holding a grudge comment over the course of 3 months and letting issues that bothered roll over and never address them shows poor communication skills. And relationships don’t work out if theres no communication. So I know why things failed</p>
    Because problems become bigger because they aren’t addressed. She held everything in. How do i know that my comment bothered her when her reaction was pretty much no reaction. So my question is why not address issues even within a week of happening. No communication, no worky. Ofc i had my faults but I was pretty patient. If this was someone i didnt care about i would not tolerate waiting 3 hrs for an arrival. If i didn’t have as much free time (i was part time at the time) then i wouldn’t hace3 tolerated it either. I did care for her, she gained my heart i grew close to her family pets and helped her try to get a better job because she always claimed she wished she had a better job. We both had our ghosts of our pasts. I was treating her with the affection and attention that my ex gf of 4yrs desired and criticized me for and my recent gf (now ex) projected her ex’s asshole behavior to me without realizing it. Maybe she felt guilt. She said that her ex would call her to the city 40 min away AND make her wait hours and then send her HOME and cancel plans. This happened several times to her. With me she never cancelled plans but she did make me wait. I was understanding of her and accepted it. Addressed it a few times. She might have seen it as me telling her what to do. The point is the analysis was there. It could have been easily solved and worked together. This is what I think. I was trying to find reason as to why things didn’t work out and the answer is in the above statements and in the lack of communication. Plain and simple. It’s just hard when something takes a 180. And very little explanation is given. It’s hard to adjust so quickly IMO so i just blame myself harshly but I can see now that we were just living in our past and were clicking fine until our ghosts were annoying the other.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  Alecsee.
    #310585

    Alecsee
    Participant

    How can I win her heart back? This is to everyone? I bought her her favorite foods and drink and she was happy after 4 days of not sending anything. Another 2-3 days pass and I sent her a message of my feelings and that im here to support and yesterday some pictures and no response. Maybe she needs more time?

    #310033

    Alecsee
    Participant

    It was on her computer. The resume. But i know what u mean!

    When i am saying she didnt adress the issue i mean like, saying she doesnt want to have sex all the time, saying that having a lot of tatoos in the future bothered her ( she asked what would I think if a person has a lot of tattoos and or a big tattoos and I said that I’m not really attracted to a lot of tattoos, or at leasy i dont think so) why not address that the day I said that not two months later when she was holding everything in? Stuff like that. I listen but how can i know i am making mistakes if im not told? I like communicate things like this. It helps couples grow. But i think its a bit unfair being slammed with things that bothered her all at once. When they could be addressed at that moment or that day or even that week. Also i did say my ex was always willimng to make love she was too but those words bothered her. I don’t appreciate it and I don’t think it’s fair that two months later I am finding these things out. Its frustrating really. And like I said I think I have a good read on most people but with introvert in with people that are more quiet and don’t express your feelings as much I tend to struggle reading them

    #310027

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I agree and realized a lot of what you are saying Valora. But why not address the issue at that moment? Or at the end of the day when things cooled off a bit for her? I said this (to myself and possibly to her, dont remember) when she insisted that moving in wasnt a good idea (hers by the way); this relationship will not end cuz of a break up but rather from a lack of communication. And i was right. I perhaps need to be less pushy and helpful but if i really care about u i will try my best to help. I realize she is non confrotational but as a 26 yr old adult, you say something is wrong and not hold it in or else u explode! The consequences end up being worse if problems are held in. I understand ppl are different though and can see her perspective but in a relationship, you have to communicate. The reason i am pushy is that she stopped letting me know what she was up to. And to me, thats how u build trust. There is a certain point where u can reach it and be comfortable. That is why me and my ex lasted 4 years, it wasnt trust that was issue, it was my wavering and undecisivenesss to settle down that ultimately ended the relationship. I called it off 2 times, and broke up with her.

    I instantly realized what I was doing was what my ex wanted. But still those were things she was right that I had to work on. And while they were told by a previous partner, I still wanted to do them. But being pushy is subjective to ppl. Theres being encouraging to ppl, motivating someone, trying to help someone, beinh pushy, aggressive and just plain forcing someone etc. Different ppl can view things differently. She probably felt the right end of that spectrum.

    I have never been at convincing ppl to do things, but I do give good around advice.

     

    Mark, she had mentioned that she wanted to get away from her dad. So moving to my city, 35 min away, was her idea and she really liked moving in for free for 2 months in the beggining. Now i get saying u hate your job and actually detesting it are two different things but having a resume might be the push she needed. We worked on it on the phone together as well. I could see where i am being pushy but its not even to a great or dangerous state.

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Alecsee.
    #309937

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I think i have been trying to be more understanding and I have a addressed those issues. Those waits arent common, and i am always at my house just doing stuff so she knows and has improved. Ive known her for awhile as friends (1 yr texting and seeing her at work and talking) she works in the food business.

    I just dont think shes a do-er. She said she really wanted to move in but ended up bailing out. It was kind of her idea. She was offered a family place but felt it would be her dad hunting her down. She brought it up a lot and talked about it. Then I did, and I said think about it and brung it up too. Then she felt pressured to do it. She said she wants a different job but has only kind of applied to places where friends can get her in.

     

    I think with her she needs a push. But maybe too much encouragement, push, makes her back away. Or shut down. I only called like twice but then she says she just starting to back away and need space.

     

    Maybe these were always issues but shes wasnt mature enough or courageous enough to let me know. Anyways this discussion is definitely helping! Thanks

     

    My anger part got deleted but ill recap it. Basically this was a small mini argument, and it arose from me missing two crucial texts. However, i think she was feeling down those days. But i told her i was going to be busy. And i wasnt going to come over cuZ i just wanted to watch those things. It was during her period so maybe she started thinking that we only hang out for sex. So she says she doesnt like how she looks and i tried to tell her nice things to cheer her up. But the sex thing i can get but she was always coming over for it so now she feels used? Its confusing to me. With my ex, I was angry and very frustrated with my job but my ex hung on. Thata when i realized that it was love, at my worst, she didnt look away. If I had not taken that job, the relationship would have prospered, also it was long distance so yeah. Thank u guys!

    #309933

    Alecsee
    Participant

    All,

    I am not really a guy who would go above and beyond for a girl. But i did on my 4 year relationship, because I thought she was marriage material. At the end of the day I was too late I decided to late and that’s my fault. I tried to become a better person so that she can see that it could work out. I think because I failed I felt entitled. I felt like people should do stuff for me. But why? Because I’ve put in a lot of time to a different person.

     

    In this relationship I tried to be all the things that my ex of 4 yrs said I wasn’t… more loving/affectionate and just show more care. It’s worth at the beginning, but obviously she’s an introvert and a mediator and need space. But my question is why 4 months of a good relationship and 2 weeks of a rocky relationship came to crash it all down. It doesnt make sense. Did she hold it all in? Then how is that my fault?

    When someone is told that they are doing wrong if I made a mistake correct me the day of or the moment of and then I will try to fix it as a partner. Now if somebody doesn’t try to do something about it then there’s a problem. But she was never super vocal about how some things made her felt so how could I know how she was really feeling? I’m usually really good at reading people that but like I said it’s hard for me to read introverts for some reason. The majority of people I can read, I pride myself with that opinion.

     

    I can see the guy situation. And why she would see it that way. Shes drinking. So she can control that.

    I kind of want to know what I did wrong so in the future if there’s some sort of introvert that I need I can deal with this situation better.

    THERE IS NO CLOSURE otherwise for me. And i need it. I think it can still work out otherwise

    Also what does quid pro quo mean? Best

     

    Thank you all!

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Alecsee.
    #284385

    Alecsee
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: right;”>My message must have not gone through…anyways the emotional outbursts are when i can’t take it and i start being aggressive and say that she doesn’t love him and that i want to live with her, marry her and have kids. Just saying stuff that makes her put her defenses up and causes argument. But it works. Her current boyfriend is moving fastĀ  in the relationship and wants to take her with him in his International Job that he just got offered. I’m going to be crazy and then go try to propose to see if I can do anything. I love her too much to Let Her Go. If I failed at least I tried. At the end of the day I let her go so I must pay the consequences. And yes Steve the painĀ  sucks but you can get through it! I’m going to try my best cuz I cannot give up</p>

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