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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 162 total)
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  • #371535
    miyoid
    Participant

    Yes, I realized that I expressed that lack of compatibility. I’m sure that gives you a lots of information about my ego problem directed towards her. I see her less than me in most of the stuff that matter to me. And I agree with you, I see her as more succesful than me as well. I’m not sure how I can minimize this aggression towards her, I can even see her family as more and better than mine, even her relationship with her siblings. Also I realize that she lets herself be most of the time. She has a big ego herself as well, but she also lets the words out of her mouse easily, and so on and so on.

    #371540
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You shared about this friend/ rival: “she talks about getting more opportunities, more easy ways to earn money.. her easy way arounds… I see her as more successful than me… she lets herself be most of the time.. she also lets the words out of her mouse (mouth?) easily”.

    Earlier this month, you shared that when you were 13-15, you spent a lot of time alone in your room, doing stuff on the computer: “I felt like the most alone person, I’ve always wanted to be like other girls, wanted to have what they’ve had like their families, their opportunities regarding financial ones, and even their boyfriends… I just wanted to experience stuff, because I’ve felt left behind”.

    This friend/ rival is one of those “other girls” you wanted to be like, those other girls you were jealous of because you were so alone (not experiencing stuff with others) and they were not alone (experiencing stuff).

    In July 2020 you shared: “my depression is chronic… alone and hopeless.. To sum it up even more I’ve had a depressed childhood as well. I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why”-

    – you had a depressed childhood because you were so alone, too alone, for too long. A child needs connection with other people: a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend.. friends. A child cannot be okay all alone, for too long.

    A child needs to experience life, which means, to experience interacting with others, playing with others, sharing feelings and stories.

    Being all alone, for too long, feels like death, or imprisonment, similar perhaps to this imaginary situation: a child is all alone in a cold, gray prison cell, the only person she sees is the person who brings her food on a tray twice a day without saying a word. All alone in her cell, she can hear children playing outside, happy voices, laughing as they play under the warm sun. Of course, the imprisoned child wants to be any one of those other children free to play outside under the warm sun, of course she is jealous of them.

    What happens to a child who is alone for too long- she closes in, she becomes “rough, emotionally unavailable”- partly dead, emotionally, but only partly because the child still longs to experience life, to be truly alive. She wants it but she doesn’t know how and she is jealous of others who seem to  know how.

    I don’t see your anger/ jealousy regarding this friend/rival as an “ego problem”. I see it as a consequence of being alone and lonely for too long, carrying within you this unsatisfied natural longing to connect with others and experience life with others, connected, interacting.. no longer alone.

    anita

    #371611
    miyoid
    Participant

    I have never thought about this, this is a new perspective for me on this jealousy. I thought I should be working on my ego like everbody else, it’s a toxic thing to have much of it. But I guess, I have to accept that some has it harder in some ways, and it’s not a just world in this regard. What to do then? Do we have to distract themselves from these unjust details and focus on other  stuff? I felt like distraction is just a denial, you will always be coming to that thought later. Maybe it’s time for some quality theraphy reading, like cognitive behavioral theraphy or so on.

    #371612
    miyoid
    Participant

    Now that I have a busy-like schedule, I can see how living is a hard thing. It wasn’t that clear before. I mean I spend 9 hours of my day at work, then about 2 hours to get ready and on transportation. We really need people we care about to put up with that. Any kind of struggle, in work, in school or anything at all, we need the willpower to resist it. And that power comes from our strong connections. If it wasn’t for that, it wouldn’t worth trying.

    #371639
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “I thought I should be working on my ego like everybody else, it’s a toxic thing to have much of it”- ego as a toxic thing means to have an overly high self-esteem, viewing others as less worthy of respect than oneself, being bigheaded, that is, having an exaggerated sense of one’s own abilities, qualities, and importance; putting other people down.

    – I don’t see any connection between this common use of ego and you. Do you see a connection?

    “What do we do then? Do we have to distract (ourselves) from these unjust details and focus on other stuff? I felt like distraction is just a denial you will always be coming to that thought later”- I agree, distracting yourself from something that significantly bothers you will work temporarily at best. But there is a place for distraction- it is a tool that my therapist introduced to me as a way to manage my emotions, so it has a place. But for long-term peace of mind, we do have to resolve issues that significantly bother us.

    You work 9 hours a day, then spend 2 hours getting ready and traveling to and from work, that’s 11 hours a day, leaving you 13 hours for sleep and anything else.. how is your sleep these days, I remember that you shared not long ago that you don’t sleep much during the night?

    “We really need people who care about to put up with that.. power comes from our strong connection”- correct, it is our social connections that give us the motivation to carry on unpleasant and/or difficult life tasks.  How is your live-in boyfriend doing, and how is current relationship with him?

    anita

    #371656
    anita
    Participant

    * Merry Christmas, miyoid!

    anita

    #371676
    miyoid
    Participant

    Merry Christmas to you as well! I hope you have a very happy new year. So I see your point and I’m no longer focused on the ego thing. About the sleep issue, because of work schedule, I had to sleep everyday. Therefore, I had to maintain a sleep schedule and it’s not bad. I sometimes have issues falling asleep but I’m trying to find my ways. I guess I need that 8 hours everyday. It seems a lot, but I have to perform my best at this trial period. So I’m willing to make that sacrifice to be able to be my best self during the work hours. And it’s almost the same with my boyfriend. He is still looking for new ways to get therapy, I’m trying to help him. But he doesn’t have me at the home during the day. I’m only there during a couple hours in the evening and then we sleep. I feel like he doesn’t like this idea but he respects my wishes and my work. He knew that I liked working and he also liked this side of me as well. So he is trying to adjust. Also, I can see clearly that I have a limited power towards him, I cannot do more. I’m trying so we’ll see. He is talking about visiting his parents maybe a month later, so that distance might make us feel better. For now, he distracts himself sometimes and gets better. But in a few days, he starts thinking about the same things, like what I have done with my exes and not with him, and this thought loops makes him angry, broken-hearted.

    #371678
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    Thank you. This is Christmas Day, 5:55 am here (still pitch dark outside), 4:55 pm your time. I hope you are having a pleasant afternoon. Good to read that you are accommodating your sleep schedule best you can to fit your demanding new job. Also good to read that you understand that you “have a limited power” over your boyfriend.

    You wrote that he distracts himself but then thinks again about you being with your exes, and not with him, and this thought loops makes him angry, broken hearted- sounds a lot like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don’t remember if you shared if he was diagnosed with OCD and if he was prescribed medications for it, such as the SSRI family of psych drugs.

    beyond ocd. org/ocd facts/ approved medications, reads:  “Four SSRIs that have been shown to be effective in treating OCD and are FDA-approved to treat adults with OCD in the United States are: Sertraline.., Fluoxetine.., Fluvoxamine.. Paroxetine” (I was prescribed Sertraline and later Fluvoxamine for OCD in the past, no longer on any medications).

    Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

    anita

    #371679
    miyoid
    Participant

    I don’t know if there is any OCD diagnosis for him in the past but for now, I guess the doctors didn’t said anything about that. I don’t really question him on diagnoses or medications.  I feel like he don’t want to talk about them so much, so I just don’t ask very much. This can also be about my apathy as well. I don’t consider myself as that apathic but sometimes, I can be. I can behave like my mother. She used to/still gets away from the problems, she did that in the past. She stopped trying when she understood that somethings cannot be solved. So she ignored them to the point where she cannot take it anymore and then broke it off. Maybe I’m like that.

    He uses SSRI, Efexor, Ritalin, Ativan though. I don’t intervene his medication use, I don’t want him to feel like a person who cannot be trusted to take his meds. Although, even if I did, I wouldn’t be someone more trustworthy than him. I’m a confused person generally, I would forget. Also, a friend of ours sent me a link to Borderline Personality Disorder and suggested that it looked like him. After reading the Wikipedia page, I had to agree with him. However, I read the page secretly, and didn’t mention my boyfriend about it. He would feel very bad if I did, I’m sure if it looks like it, and if it’s something related, he knows it. So there’s that.

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by miyoid.
    #371689
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “This can also be about my apathy as well”- I am thinking about your apathy is that closing-in process when you were a child alone for too long, without interactions with others, particularly without loving interactions with others. For a child, love is like water is to a tree. If a tree doesn’t get enough water, it sheds its leaves, then maybe it sheds its branches until it remains its minimal trunk self. Similarly, a child without love for too long sheds her emotions, remaining her minimal apathetic self.

    What do you think about my comparison, does it apply to you?

    You wrote regarding your mother: “she .. still gets away from the problems.. she ignored them to the point where she cannot take it anymore and then broke it off. Maybe I’m like that”-

    – I didn’t understand what you meant by “cannot take it anymore” and “broke it off”. Can you explain these to me?

    One more thing, you wrote that your friend sent you a link to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), suggesting that your boyfriend suffers from this disorder. Can you tell me about his most disturbing behaviors that fit the BPD diagnosis?

    anita

    #371682
    miyoid
    Participant

    So if you have the time, I would like to share the things look like him in the Borderline Personality Disorder.
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    • You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
    • You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).

    Even though I don’t see him going from sad to happy often, I can observe how a single word can change his mood enormously.

    • You don’t have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you’re with.

    He has complained about this in the past. He doesn’t know what he wants, then he questions that so much that he decides he just doesn’t want to be exist. I mean, I don’t know what I want as well. But dwelling on that indecisiveness can make you suffer. Maybe he is suffering because he questions that so much. I am not sure.

    • You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.

    This is questionable though. It is not stable at all but it is long-term. His former relationships are mostly long-term as well. 3 relationships, 2 of them lasting between 1.5-5 years.

    • You feel empty a lot of the time.
    • You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).

    Very much, indeed.

    Very much, indeed.

    • You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
    • When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.

    However, these got stronger or happened after a doctor prescribed him tranquilizers and SSRI. I feel resentment towards that doctor because she decided she cannot work with him after giving all those medications for 2-3 months. She just told them that and let him alone with those meds.

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    #371705
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I read your recent post but will reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. For now, I’d say: I wish you were living with a healthier man, for your own well-being. You need a man to pick you up, to help you get better- not one to keep you down, down in the murky water of his own illness.

    anita

    #371708
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    This will be a long post and I know that you work for many hours, so please take your time with this post, read it when you have the time and ability, take as many days as you need to.

    You suspect that your boyfriend fits the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because he fits these nine criteria (the quotes are what you posted about him specifically): (1) he is very worried about people abandoning him, (2) he has very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days, intense emotions that cannot change quickly, “a single word can change his mood enormously”,  (3) he doesn’t have a strong sense of who he is, and his sense of who he is can change significantly depending on who he is with, “He doesn’t know what he wants, then he questions that so much that he decides he just doesn’t want to exist.. dwelling on that indecisiveness”,

    (4) he finds it very hard to make and keep stable relationships, two out of the three relationships he had in the past were long term but “not stable at all”, (5) he feels empty a lot of the time, (6) he acts impulsively and does things that could harm him, such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously, “Very much indeed”, (7) he often self harms or has suicidal feelings, “Very much, indeed”, (8) he has very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control, (9) When very stressed, he may also experience paranoia or dissociation, “these got stronger or happened after a doctor prescribed him tranquilizers and SSRI” and then told him that “she cannot work with him after giving all  those medications.. and let him alone with those meds”.

    My thoughts: I think that you and him share #1, 3 and 5: you both fear abandonment, you both feel empty, and you both don’t have a strong sense of identity. Also, neither one of you has a history of healthy intimate relationships.

    What the two of you do not have in common are #2, 7, 8: he experiences intense negative emotions, including anger,  for hours or days, unable to calm down/ feel better. Because of this inability,  he acts impulsively by self-harming, making suicide gestures, etc.

    Regarding 9: the two of you suffer from dissociation,  but I imagine that he experiences an extreme dissociation at times because of his intense/ extreme emotions.  Intense emotions–> intense dissociation. Paranoia is also related to feeling negative emotions too intensely.

    The reason he obsesses/ dwells on issues of his self-identity/ emptiness while you do not (#3) is because he feels intensely bad for a long time, and for that long, he tries to figure things out. Intense negative emotions over an issue for a long time–> obsessing/ dwelling on the issue for a long time.

    The key issue of BPD (and I know because I was diagnosed with it by my therapist at the time and my therapy was based on this diagnosis. I no longer fit the criteria) is an inability to adequately regulate one’s emotions: a person experiences negative emotions too intensely,  for too long and can’t calm down/ distract/ move on. Feeling intensely bad for so long, a person gets desperate trying to feel better by drinking heavily, using drugs, eating too much, getting special attention by performing suicide gestures, etc.

    Looking back at your previous thread, in July 2020 you shared that you and him were 22, that you were depressed and he understood you so well because he had experience with depression (“he understood me so well”), showed you empathy that you didn’t experience before (“I have never saw this kind of empathy, transparency in a relationship before”), you lived together during the pandemic, he was depressed, obsessed and suicidal, and one day in July he attempted suicide or made a suicidal gesture (“I prevented him from a suicide attempt the other day”).

    In August, you wrote: “He relapsed today and I stopped him from taking 6-7 sleeping pills… It’s like he cannot stop thinking… he says that he cannot control himself… they prescribed a calmative drug for crisis and also an antidepressant.. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally”.

    In September you wrote: “Since I don’t have anybody I feel this much intimacy with, and also because I don’t have anybody that understands me… I choose to stay in this relationship.. He considers himself a lost cause most of the time”.

    In November you shared that after the Earthquake,  he “stopped using his antipsychotic drugs for just 2 days to feel more awake in case there would be more earthquakes. This made him worse and worse, resulting in him wanting to be hospitalized so that he won’t hurt anybody.. He was attacking himself during the episodes and the ER gave him tranquilizers”.

    In December you shared that his psychiatrist told him that she couldn’t work with him, “after giving him all those meds to him and making him addicted.. we have gotten worse and worse.. it feels like he doesn’t want to change at all.. I’ve wrenched a rope from him the other day because he was preparing to commit suicide. I also got razors from him during the summer”. Most recently, you’ve been working for many hours and you spend time with him for only a couple of hours in the evening before you sleep. “I feel like he doesn’t like this idea but he respects my wishes and my work… he is trying to adjust.. For now, he distracts himself sometimes and gets better. But in a few days, he starts thinking about the same thing.. and this thought loops makes him angry, broken-hearted.”

    Closing points:

    1. Regarding BPD you/ he can look up Emotional Regulation Skills– there are online resources as well as books, maybe workbooks as well. Key for a person who cannot regulate his emotions is to learn and practice these skills over a long period of time. It can be done successfully.

    2. I see a difference between you and him: as a child and onward you managed to shut down your emotions quite successfully, (you overly regulated your emotions= dissociated to a large extent). This left you chronically depressed and often apathetic (“This can also be about my apathy… I can behave like my mother. She used to/ still gets away from the problems.. stopped trying when she understood something cannot be solved”).

    He did not shut down his emotions as successfully (he under-regulated his emotions= dissociated to a lesser extent), therefore he often experiences negative emotions so intensely and for so long (obsessing keeps the negative emotions going, and the negative emotions keep fueling the obsessing), that sooner or later, he resorts to desperate/impulsive acts so to feel better.

    anita

    #371767
    miyoid
    Participant

    – I didn’t understand what you meant by “cannot take it anymore” and “broke it off”. Can you explain these to me?

    So my mother got a divorce after a 15 years of marriage. I meant that divorce actually, and before they got divorced, my mom was really distant. My father is a very narcissistic person, so he was treating her in a way that would prevent her from seeing her family and after losing her dad (my mom), she got depressed for like a year. She says that, I’ve stopped being in that relationship years ago when I understood that nothing is going to change. And when she had the chance, she got divorced and lost her mother as well. I can understand her but the things I’m living are nothing to her, when compared. But then again, it’s not easy, I know. All in all, this is my kind of hard.

    One more thing, you wrote that your friend sent you a link to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), suggesting that your boyfriend suffers from this disorder. Can you tell me about his most disturbing behaviors that fit the BPD diagnosis?

    Actually, we’ve had a conversation about this. And he mentioned ‘Borderline’, then I’ve asked if he was diagnosed or since when he was thinking about this specific personality disorder. He replied, ‘for a while.’, turns out, as I guessed, doctors didn’t mention this but he was able to read and make connections between the symptoms and all. Sorry for the recent post, it was not accepted in the first place, so I didn’t have the chance to delete all those HTML codes that makes the reading a lot harder.

    I am now going to read the last message you’ve posted carefully.

     

    #371768
    miyoid
    Participant

    My thoughts: I think that you and him share #1, 3 and 5: you both fear abandonment, you both feel empty, and you both don’t have a strong sense of identity. Also, neither one of you has a history of healthy intimate relationships.

    Yes, I agree with that. I am only a bit more succesfull than him to make myself distract with work and social media, so I seem to be in a better condition than him. But you’re totally right.

    1. Regarding BPD you/ he can look up Emotional Regulation Skills– there are online resources as well as books, maybe workbooks as well. Key for a person who cannot regulate his emotions is to learn and practice these skills over a long period of time. It can be done successfully.

    I’ll read about it and I’ll try to send him notes, quotes and effect him in general. We have two different books about depression in general, but since he read too much in the past, he doesn’t believe that they would work. So he doesn’t read them. Although, I’ve started but didn’t keep going so we’re both to blame. I learned that this only gets better when one practice every day and every moment. There is going to be some relapses of course, but we have to resist them and keep practising. Your observations sound so true to me.

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