November 7, 2020 at 5:25 pm #368778
I guess you’re right. I have to look for ways to get to know my traumas and get over them eventually. For the earthquake part, yes people died because of the poor constructions. We’ve learned that two companies actually broke colons in the ground floor, and two buildings collapsed because of that. It’s going to be hard to get used to live without that thoughts again, I cannot even imagine how those will get used to their everyday life after waiting under the debris for hours. I hope we will never experience this kind of stuff again, since there is terrorism, and actually wars that have started, it’s getting scarry even more. We’ll be very careful about any natural disasters and choose our homes according to that but what about disasters that humans cause? To where will people escape then?November 7, 2020 at 8:48 pm #368780
I will read and reply to you in about 10 hours from now.
anitaNovember 8, 2020 at 4:04 pm #368800
I read the difficult question you asked at the end of your recent post yesterday, figured I will need more time to answer, therefore I wrote to you that I will be back the morning after, but.. I forgot, I apologize for not being back to you at the time I said I will be.
I need to do some research about a couple of things you mentioned in your recent post before I attempt to answer the difficult question you asked. I will therefore make a note to return to your thread this time on time, first thing Monday morning my time, which is in about 15 hours from now.
anitaNovember 9, 2020 at 9:04 am #368840
“there is terrorism, and actually wars that have started, it’s getting scary even more. We’ll be very careful about any natural disasters and choose our homes according to that, but what about disasters that humans cause? To where will people escape then?”
Wikipedia reads: “Terrorism is, in the broadest sense, the use of intentional violence for political or religious purposes… violence during peacetime or in the context of war against non-combatants (mostly civilians and neutral military personnel”.
I looked up Wikipedia regarding terrorism in your country. It reads that Islamic groups such as Hezbollah attacked civilians in your country beginning in the 1980s and 1990s, but more so, since the 2000s. “In the 1990s, Islamic terrorist organizations.. objective was to bring down the secular democratic regime.. and to establish an Islamic Sharia-based state (similar to Iran)”.
I looked at the list of 47 suicide attacks carried on by different militant groups in your country since June 1996. To add to that violence, there is the armed conflict going on between your country and various insurgent groups who demand separation and forming their own independent country. According to numbers released, from 1984 to August 2015, in your country alone, there have been 36,345 deaths in the conflict, including 6,741 civilians, and 7,230 security forces.
It so happens that I was born in, and grew up in a country not too far from yours, a country with a history of wars (3 major wars while I lived there) and suffering from countless acts of terrorism and suicide attacks performed by Islamic groups, including Hamas. I remember the sirens of war and the news about suicide attacks, showing the horrific images after those explosions, so many of them. I remember wishing I lived in a peaceful country, feeling cursed for having been born into a country stuck in violence.
I left my home country when I was 24 (but went back many times for visits, up to 3 months per visit). I left to America (this is the word referred to the U.S. in my home country). I left not because of the violence I just mentioned. I left to escape my mother. Imagine that: all those thousands of miles and oceans crossed was done not to escape war and terrorism, but to escape one individual, one person: my mother.
When I just wrote to you “home country”, it didn’t feel correct, to call it “home”- not because it was not possible for me to feel at home in the country I grew up in, but because “home” with my mother was as close to hell as could be for me, so it felt.
As I often write to members in these forums, we carry with us our childhood experience wherever we go. And I carried mine with me all the way to America. I proceeded to live a miserable and dysfunctional life in America- for years and decades without the sirens of war and acts of terrorism. All along, I kept re-living my experience with my mother. All along, what scared me most, by far, was not war and terrorism, but my mother.
And now, to your question: “what about disasters that humans cause? To where will people escape then?”- I think that all violence starts for people in those formative years of childhood, children being attacked by parents, most often. It is the aggression during childhood that is formed into the child and then it is carried by the grown up child/ adult, into political and criminal contexts. It is therefore most important for us humans to change how we interact with our children, to no longer express aggression against our children.
“where will people escape then?”- no where to escape. All we can do is make the world a better place in any way we can, individually and collectively- without the use of violence: to treat each other with respect, to calm anger instead of inflaming it anger, to use logic and science to correct passionately-held beliefs that are not true, hold ourselves and each other accountable for our actions, keep our eyes open and choose our actions thoughtfully and courageously.
You wrote: “I guess you’re right. I have to look for ways to get to know my traumas and get over them eventually”- I suggested long ago that you seek psychotherapy, but you said that it is not available to you, and I understand, especially in the current political, economic and public health crises. If you want to share here more about what you referred to as your traumas, it may help. I will read and reply to you gently, if you choose to share.
anitaDecember 3, 2020 at 11:52 am #370386
Thank you for sharing special parts about your life. I can relate to you about ‘not feeling it like your home’, but I have to admit that I’ve experienced that feeling when my mom and I was living alone after they’ve broken up and she was at work. I used to be by myself, feeling safe and doing whatever I wanted to do. After she married with someone else, I’ve moved to a dorm and then to a shared flat. I’ve tried everyday to gain that feeling again, to feel like home by specific genres of music, by decorating my room in a certain way and even the timing about my activities. For example, I’ve always liked doing my stuff (projects n stuff) on the computer during daytime. It reminded me of those days, with lots of sunlight.
After a while of being with myself, like being alone for hours on the computer (i do that a lot because i tend to not sleep at night, and my boyfriend eventually sleeps so i’ll be alone till 9 am or so) I remember my old-self. It makes me feel like I am, again, that person who is 13-15 years old, alone in her room, doing stuff on computer. Then, I felt like the most alone person, I’ve always wanted to be like other girls, wanted to have what they’ve had like their families, their opportunities regarding financial ones, and even their boyfriends. I didn’t wanted to be with theirs, I just wanted to experience stuff, because I’ve felt left behind. But when I think about it, I have more opportunities because of my age and time (no school so I can earn money, even though it’s not much, it’s better than those days), I have had boyfriends and experiences as well, but I’m here trying to have the same atmosphere as her. That’s the only thing that makes me feel safe, I guess.
I agree with you about that aggression. Since we all need similar things, and we all struggle from similar stuff, we often end up with somewhat similar coping mechanisms. It has been one month after the earthquake, we’ve returned to our home, made it checked so we’ll be safe in it. I’ve started to feel okay as well. Even though, I live with my flatmates and my boyfriend. So it’s easy for me to feel okay. But I want to admit something, since the day of the earthquake, I’ve become a better person. I mean I was always a sentimental person but I can feel like I’m even more just these days. I remember a year from my life where I’ve read about pragmatism, also the Prince from Machiavelli and thought, “Yeah, that really sounds logical, I can be a pragmatist as well!” and I’ve had a bad relationships then where I was being cheated on and off. I saw that relationship as a time to invest in me and not feel alone again, so i kept going. It was long distance so it wasn’t so hard to keep going. And I actually ended up cheating on him as well, not felt any guilt about it but I know that if he was a sentimental, good person; I would not forget what I did and blame myself forever. So I can see what kind of a person I want to be in the future, I don’t want to feel any guilt about anything I do. I might not be able to know what I want in life, in terms of career or family, but I know that I want to do my part about what you call “better place”. I’m also considering about going vegan these days, but it’s struggling to give up on cheese. Takes a bit of a hard work to make all the meals according to it, but I’ll try more.December 3, 2020 at 12:20 pm #370388
Also, after a day with my sister, I was able to name what she’s been doing to me and also what my dad have always done to us. I’ve been reading, watching stuff about it lately and I’m going to be a bit illiterate since this is professionals’ job. But I want to say what I’ve been observing, they are narcissistic. All the years my dad made us feel like nothing, all those days where he did made it look like it’s an opportunity to be his kid but on the inside, it was hell. I remember he telling all the stuff to me while he just tried to get to my mother, when they were separated. He continuously makes himself the victim and this is beyond bearable. And he also survived several chemotherapy treatments because of a brain tumor and metastasis, so it’s even more unbearable now. Because he actually made himself the victim after all those years of abusing his wife and children. So it’s hard to communicate with him now, because you’ll feel like you’re abused but you cannot do anything about that, because you also feel guilty. And I finally saw the same patterns in my sister, she was brought up to be exactly like him. And being exposed to that relationship, makes you feel like garbage. After a day with my sister, I went home and cried for 3 hours. My boyfriend tried to help me but I had to cry that much to get over it. She made me realize and remember all the stuff dad did. And I actually felt like I have nobody else except my sister to share the pain of losing the parents, when that day comes. And my sister simply doesn’t know how to love somebody. She does not care about her family, because she has it. I will be there when she needs it, I cannot help it. But I can say that she doesn’t even know me, she doesn’t have to. She just wants my help when she needs it and that’s it. So besides getting sad about the ‘I don’t have anybody but her, but she is unable to care for me.’, I also have to protect myself from her and my dad. I know that I can do that, it’s just takes practice and being able to see these patterns really makes me want to get in a second university for psychology. I started to consider applying to foreign universities and scholarships. I don’t know how that would go considering the financial crisis we’re in as a country but it’s nice to know something I might want. Or maybe that’s just an excuse to run from working full-time and the adulthood and saving 3-4 more years to work part time and think about what I want. We’ll see.December 3, 2020 at 1:22 pm #370390
I read your recent two posts and there is so much in them that I want to take my time tomorrow morning, when I am rested, hopefully, to re-read and reply thoroughly. For now, I like the idea of you applying to foreign universities and living abroad, away from your family. It reminds me that when I thought about leaving my country, I inquired about a Public Health university in the U.S.- it didn’t happen, but if it did, I could be one of the public health professionals working on the pandemic right now!
I too considered becoming a vegan, wanted to be clean from the inside and believed being a vegan will accomplish that. Like you though, I love cheese. Only I like it melted, as in pizza or cooked with egg, or melted on top of chicken. On this cheesy note, I will say goodbye for now, and will be back to your thread in about 16 hours from now.
anitaDecember 3, 2020 at 4:00 pm #370397
Thanks for the cheesy note, it made me smile!December 4, 2020 at 10:22 am #370470
You are welcome and I am glad that I made you smile. You shared that after your parents broke up and you were living with your mother, when she was at work- you were by yourself, feeling safe and doing whatever you wanted to do.
After she remarried, you moved to a dorm and then to a shared flat. In these new places you tried to recreate that feeling (“feeling safe and doing whatever I wanted to do… that person who is 13-15 years old, alone in her room, doing stuff on computer”).
You shared that you are back living with your flat mates and boyfriend and that the structure where you all live was checked for its safety in regard to a possible future earthquake. You feel that you are a better person since the earthquake a month ago, and that you want to make the world a better place.
You also shared that you spent a day with your sister and realized that she and your father are narcissistic, that your father made you “feel like nothing”, that life with him “on the inside.. was hell”. He “made himself the victim after all those years of abusing his wife and children” . Your sister is “exactly like him”, and being exposed to her “makes you feel like garbage”. You cried for three hours after spending the day with her. You shared that she doesn’t even know you, she “just wants my help when she needs it and that’s it.
You are considering attending a second university to study psychology, maybe a foreign university, if it can be arranged financially, and you are wondering if that would be “just an excuse to run from working full time and the adulthood and saving 3-4 years to work part time and think about what I want”.
My comments today:
You wrote earlier: “I simply feel exploited, exhausted.. more scattered”- I think that your mother, your father, and your sister have been/ are mentally exploiting you, and this mental exploitation is exhausting you, causing you to be mentally scattered, not focused, distracted, unable to carry on a life that makes sense to you.
Ending contact with all of them, I believe, will make it possible for you to slowly recover from these many years of mental exploitation and exhaustion, so that you are able to live in a focused way.
You suggested that the only times you felt safe and peaceful was after your parents divorced when your mother was at work and you were home alone– it felt so good because they were not there.
When they were there with you- they exploited you mentally and exhausted you. That’s why it was such a wonderful relief to be alone.
You wrote earlier that you were “emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times”- you don’t owe either one to be there for them. You owe yourself to plan a life that is good for you. As I see it, that life needs to be far away and separate from your family.
“I have had a few boyfriends.. they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored. And during the process, I just thought I was being loved. These also make me feel ‘exploited’ as well. I feel really old, but I’m 22. I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans”-
– make sure that you are not exploited again, not only by boyfriends, but by family as well. Don’t let your family do whatever they want to do to you in the name of love, thinking that you are loved by them. Put together a plan to move away from them sometime later in 2021 perhaps (when it is much safer, after effective vaccinations).
anitaDecember 5, 2020 at 6:30 am #370521
Although cutting contact with them seems impossible, because I would want to know that they’re safe, I can get far away from them where they cannot harm me anymore. I would visit regularly because if I can manage to move to a better country, then I would be earning enough to provide for the visits. In this country, it’s really hard to make a living and provide for other stuff like airplane tickets n so on. And I actually started to feel like I cannot help my boyfriend anymore. His psychiatrist basically told him that she wouldn’t be working with him, after giving all those meds to him and making him addicted. I’m trying to make him get therapy online from another doctor but during this process, we have gotten worse and worse. I can feel that I’m getting older day by day. It’s really hard to make somebody change and it feels like he doesn’t want to change after all. He has been like this since his childhood and I feel like I’m almost at the end of my rope. I’ve wrenched a rope from him the other day because he was preparing to commit suicide. I also got razors from him during the summer.December 5, 2020 at 6:38 am #370525
Also, I feel like your reply will contain sentences to encourage me to end this relationship or separate for a while, at least in terms of where we live. I have come to a state where I cannot even hope for our relationship, I just want to save him. Yes, I would be miserable without him, I would lose my will to live for a while. But I won’t die, I won’t be suicidal. But he might be. And there’s no place for him to get away, and be better. Therefore, I cannot make any radical moves. He has his own room, his own bed as well. So maybe we can lose contact for a while and expect him to get better. I don’t know, but maybe we’ll go on like this and when I managed to go away(abroad) in a safe environment, such as a new school or a new job, then we’ll be okay, together or separately. I don’t know.
Also, during one of his episodes, my mom was on the phone with him. He kept obsessing over my exes and mom witnessed this. So she is not really happy with this either, she likes him, she has met with him and she worries about us. She also thinks he will not change. And I’m afraid I have doubts about this as well. But it’s really hard to even think about this, it feels like I would be leaving him to be like that. I want to show him that it can always be better.
But he is tired of hearing the same words over and over. “You’re not making enough effort, you’re not trying!” He’s exhausted as well.December 5, 2020 at 8:24 am #370534
If the combination of (1) keeping contact with your family (2) regularly visiting them, and (3) living far away from them- will not harm you– then it is a good plan.
“It’s really hard to make somebody change and it feels like he doesn’t want to change”- it is really hard to change for you too: to change your belief that you can change him and that you can help him. It is hard for you to change these beliefs and your actions based on these beliefs.
“He has been like this since his childhood”- and you have been like this since your childhood: focusing on others, attending to others’ mental health, instead of focusing and attending to your own.
“I’m almost at the end of my rope. I’ve wrenched a rope from him the other day because he was preparing to commit suicide”- you are getting to the end of your rope while he was fetching his rope. A relationship that involves either or both parties getting closer to their ropes- is a relationship that should end responsibly and as soon as possible.
“I feel like your reply will contain sentences to encourage me to end this relationship or separate for a while”- yes, I am encouraging you to end this relationship responsibly and as soon as possible.
“I have come to a state where I cannot even hope for our relationship. I just want to save him. Yes, I would be miserable without him. I would lose my will to live for a while”- in your mind, he is saving you: being in your life, he is giving you the will to live.
“without him.. I won’t die”- I am glad you realize this.
“I won’t be suicidal. But he might be”- he already is, just the other day he got a rope to hang himself- while you are living with him. (I don’t know if he really planned to hang himself or being in emotional pain, he performing a dramatic act, as if in a theater, so to get you to see in how much pain he was).
“I want to show him that it can always be better”- show him by making your life better away from him. While you stay with him, he has not gotten better. Away from him- maybe he will get better.
anitaDecember 16, 2020 at 7:12 am #371142
How are you?
anitaDecember 21, 2020 at 3:57 am #371438
Thanks for asking. I actually started working at a Health Tourism office here, I have lots of working hours but I enjoy my time at work. So no worries, and I feel better now. This is also a challenging job, so I will be trying hard to fit in and not to be laid off, so it would really improve me. So that’s a plus. How about you? I hope you’re well.
There is something I want to share. So I started to notice my ego these days. I love it, I like the way it feels. But it is toxic. Earlier this week, I’ve talked with a friend with whom I feel like rivals sometimes, and she talks about getting more opportunities, more easy ways to earn money and actually gain titles the easy ways. So I feel the urge to make her feel like she is ignorant and she always tries to find the easier way. This has been making me attack her, in a cute way of course. I tend to argue how that’s ignorant, or how that’s not rational, or stuff like that. I feel the need to argue with her most of the time. This is actually very toxic of me but I know, deep inside, that she is not very literate. She doesn’t read anything, she reads so rarely and it’s when something is so popular that it attracts her. She is also obsessed with titles and how we look, so she also wants to do stuff that would make people see her in a professional way. And her easy way arounds’ actually disgust me. I know that I get jealous because I don’t really have those easy way arounds. Or I simply don’t see the ways I have in front of me. I wanted to share this, because I have her in my circle and even though I try to not meet with her, we speak in a daily basis. And I feel like it’s an ego problem.December 21, 2020 at 8:43 am #371444
Good to read from you and congratulations for getting your job at a Health Tourism office- reads exciting to me! I am fine, thank you- winter is in progress here, in the Pacific Northwest, USA- recently I’ve been missing the warmer weather I knew elsewhere, although I hated the high humidity there.
Regarding the friend/ rival, there are a couple of issues here, as I see it, the first is clear to me, the second is not clear enough:
1. There is a lack of compatibility between the two of you: (a) you are very intelligent and educated; she is not (“she is not very literate”), (b) you are a hard worker; she is looking for the easy way (“she always tries to find the easier way”), (c) you look into the depth of things; her focus is on the superficial (“obsessed with titles and how we look”)- So, there is not much of a basis to connect with her, no mutual objective to tackle together.
2. You feel anger at her (“I feel the urge to make her feel like she is ignorant.. making me attack her.. I feel the need to argue with her most of the time.. her easy way arounds actually disgust me”), and jealousy (“I get jealous because I don’t really have those easy way arounds”).
An online definition of jealousy: an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.
I know, and I bet you know, that some people who are uneducated and not very intelligent- are very successful in real-life, at least from the outside. Take the president of the U.S.- exceptionally uneducated, ignorant, does not read, unintelligent, yet he got to be The President of this country and recently more than 70 millions voted for him. There are many lesser examples, yet infuriating. See, I wrote infuriating because it angers me. It angers me because it is not fair! This is not how things should be. The world would be a much better people if qualified (and good) people held powerful positions, be it a politician or a teacher, or anyone else whose work includes contact with the public.
Back to the friend- is it that you feel that even though she is ignorant, superficial, and looking for the “easy way arounds”- she still may be more successful than you, which is unfair, similar to my sentiment above?