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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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  • #379779
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You read in a spiritual book that “if someone’s air element is not in balance, then that person might have some troubles with flatulence”, that kind of sentence made you “even more skeptical” about what’s in the rest of the book. To me, this sentence is a poetic kind of sentence with no practical or scientific meaning.  Better we talk practicality and science (if you don’t have the time or the patience to read the following, please postpone reading it to a later time):

    Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers. They transmit messages from neurons (nerve cells) to target cells (other neurons, or muscle cells, or gland cells, etc.) across a synapse (a meeting place/ connection between neurons, or  between neurons and other cells), and they regulate all  our functions, including our thinking, emotions, motivations and behaviors. Three examples of neurotransmitters: Dopamine regulates motor behavior, pleasure related to motivation, and emotional arousal. Serotonin regulates appetite, sleep, memory and learning, mood and behavior. Norepinephrine regulates sleep patterns, focus and alertness.

    Some neurotransmitters transmit messages from neurons to endocrine glands. Endocrine glands  produce and release hormones into the bloodstream. Hormones, like neurotransmitters, are also chemical  messengers. They transmit messages from the glands where they are produced to organs farther  away from the glands, like the liver, heart and brain. Like neurotransmitters, they too regulate different functions, including emotions and behavior. An example: when you believe that you are in danger, your pituitary gland located in the base of your brain releases a very powerful hormone called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This hormone travels to your two adrenal glands, located on top of your kidneys, triggering your adrenal glands to produce another powerful hormone called cortisol.

    Cortisol then stops your body’s non-essential physical functions like digestion, triggers your liver to produce glucose (a sugar), your blood sugar concentration then goes up, you feel a burst of strength and energy and are better able to deal with the potential threat. Cortisol also increases your emotional arousal, and you feel strong fear and/ or anger.

    Cortisol is released not only when we face danger, but in lower levels all through the day an night, normally reaching the lowest level late at night, around midnight, then gradually rising to its highest level early in the morning, peaking around 9 am, when we feel most alert,  and then it declines again throughout the day and into the night, when we are least alert and able  to sleep.

    When you were a child and your mother used to sit by your bed, putting you to sleep, you were relaxed enough to eventually fall asleep, but because you were already an anxious child, fearing that your mother is not there with you, your cortisol level was too high to make it possible to remain asleep. So, you woke up,  saw that she wasn’t there, your cortisol level shot up some more, and feeling alert and in danger, you got up and looked for her. Once you found her, your cortisol level went down a bit, she took you to bed..  and repeat, you woke up, looking for her, etc. Fast forward, as a teenager and an adult, your cortisol levels are still too high to fall asleep and/ or to remain asleep at night, so you stay up in front of the computer, alert.

    You stay up at night because your body has formed a chemical habit of keeping you alert at night. It is a chemical habit involving not only your ACTH and cortisol hormones, but other hormones, as well neurotransmitters and other chemicals, a very complex physiological dynamic .

    Everything about you that is habitual- the habitual ways you think, feel and behave- is a result of chemical habits formed long ago and maintained since.

    Any and all your rational understandings of your childhood, of your relationship with your mother, of how your chemical habits came to be- will not change these chemical habits (This is true to everyone). The rational understanding of your childhood etc., can at best motivate you to continue your emotional healing process that only starts with rational understanding. The healing process, at one point and onward, has to include changing your chemical habits, and forming new chemical habits. This is possible to do but it requires a lot of time, persistent effort and patience. You started doing yoga recently and it made some difference in the way you feel, correct? If you make yoga a new habit, you will also make how you feel doing yoga a new habit.

    Doing yoga and persisting in it, is a beginning in the process of changing the old chemical habit of anxiety into a new habit of calm.

    anita

    #380287
    miyoid
    Participant

    Hi dear Anita and TeaK,

    It has been a rough week. I couldn’t even put the words together, so I just kept quiet for some time.

    And I believe it’s because she refused to deal with her own pain, that’s why she didn’t have compassion neither for herself nor for you. Now she has compassion for cats and abused animals, while probably still having no compassion for herself or you.

    This sounds right. I can see the connection even though a part of me says that I haven’t done enough for my ex-boyfriend. I haven’t made him feel that he was loved enough. That’s what he complained about, he didn’t think that he was a priority in my life.

    We lost contact and then found it and then lost it again, and the cycle repeated. I’ve cried a lot, not being able to share much. I even made my mother worry by saying that I was depressed. At first, she thought that I made it worse and also that I could feel better if I wanted to. Then we spent a few hours texting and arguing on how I think about her refusing to respect my depressed state and how I’ve never shown her this side of me. Eventually, she quit arguing and told me that she is basically worried and wants me to feel better. Other than that, I’ve kept doing my yoga and also kept questioning. It was very painful to even try to let go of him. He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work.

    Yesterday, I tried the tarot cards that my flatmate has given to me last year. It distracted me for a while and I looked at some cards for a few friends. It was the first time that I felt a slight spark, other than my low depressed state. Then I also picked some cards myself which said that I should be willing to make a decision for myself and commit to it. I know this would apply to most of the people out there but I thought that deciding to move on would be the logical choice for both me and him. However, it’s really hard for both of us. I don’t know what will happen. I’ll be leaving the city for some time, maybe 10 days, maybe more. Maybe that would help us a little.

    #380288
    miyoid
    Participant

    Maybe I have to go beyond my limit this time. Try to move on for once, try to be logical when being abandoned for once. I desperately need him and I even started to think about when I can come back to the city and I haven’t even left yet. I sometimes see people, some friends going beyond their limit and actually be presumptuous in a bad way and feel bad about myself and get upset about them, Even get angry towards them without expressing it. I guess I get jealous of this, being presumptuous. I never feel like I have the right to be like that and when somebody does it, without having the right, I feel awful. Maybe it’s my time to do some stuff that I don’t have the right to. Just a thought.

    I just want us to give a break so that I can be back, safe and peaceful again. Like I was a year ago. Even weeks ago, I felt so peaceful to go to sleep while he was already asleep.

    #380293
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I just want us to give a break so that I can be back, safe and peaceful again. Like I was a year ago. Even weeks ago, I felt so peaceful to go to sleep while he was already asleep.

    This is very likely related to that same feeling of being safe when your mother is sleeping safely in the next room. This is what soothes your anxiety. You might want to try somatic therapy because it works not just with your mind, but also with your body, i.e. your autonomic nervous system, which seems to be triggered whenever you’re physically apart from your boyfriend, or when you imagine you will be apart. The survival instinct flares up and you start fearing you’re going to be abandoned, and thus, your survival is in danger.

    This isn’t happening consciously, but subconsciously, involuntarily.  It’s written in your nervous system. That’s why I believe that soothing your nervous system and re-writing that old imprint is what could help you to reduce your separation anxiety. Yoga is fine, but perhaps you need something in addition, something more targeted to deal with your specific problem, which would be somatic therapy.

     

    I can see the connection even though a part of me says that I haven’t done enough for my ex-boyfriend. I haven’t made him feel that he was loved enough. That’s what he complained about, he didn’t think that he was a priority in my life.

    This is your go-to reaction: blaming yourself for not loving him enough. Rationally, I believe you know it’s not true, but you still blame yourself, because you blamed yourself as a child too for not having your needs met. You believe that if you change, he’ll finally give you what you need. But you know it’s not true…

    I even made my mother worry by saying that I was depressed. At first, she thought that I made it worse and also that I could feel better if I wanted to. Then we spent a few hours texting and arguing on how I think about her refusing to respect my depressed state and how I’ve never shown her this side of me. Eventually, she quit arguing and told me that she is basically worried and wants me to feel better.

    It’s good that you expressed your feelings to your mother, because till now, you’ve never had, if I remember correctly. You used to pretend things are fine because she would usually downplay your experience. It seems she first tried to deny it or downplay it again, telling you “you could feel better if you wanted to”. But you stood your ground and she finally said she’s worried about you. How did you feel afterwards? Was it a positive or a frustrating experience?

     

    I sometimes see people, some friends going beyond their limit and actually be presumptuous in a bad way and feel bad about myself and get upset about them, Even get angry towards them without expressing it. I guess I get jealous of this, being presumptuous. I never feel like I have the right to be like that and when somebody does it, without having the right, I feel awful.

    Presumptuous – as in demanding too much, demanding things they don’t deserve?

    I can imagine this could be a trigger for you because you didn’t get things that you did deserve, and so when someone is spoiled and wants too much, it makes you angry.

    Maybe it’s my time to do some stuff that I don’t have the right to. Just a thought.

    Or things you do have the right to, but only believe you don’t? What are some of the things you believe you don’t have the right to, but still want to do?

     

    #380295
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “He feels like family”-  like the family you have or the family you didn’t have?

    “He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work”- He feels like family, and like (your) family, it simply doesn’t work.  Is my editing of this sentence accurate?

    I wonder how you are feeling right now, as you read my post:  is it still “very painful to even try to let go of him”, and do you “desperately need him” still? Maybe you will feel better if you edit your own thoughts in a similar way to this:

    It is “very painful to even try to let go of him”=> It is very painful to even try to let go of the idea of him, of what he represents to me: a family I never had.

    “I desperately need him”=> I desperately need the idea of him, what he represents to me: a family I might have some day, a family in which I feel safe and peaceful.

    Imagine feeling safe and peaceful not just at night when you stayed up in front of the computer, knowing your mother/ boyfriend slept in the other room, but every day- so safe that you could soundly sleep at night.

    anita

    #380391
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear TeaK, thank you for your reply.

    But you stood your ground and she finally said she’s worried about you. How did you feel afterwards? Was it a positive or a frustrating experience?

    I realized something thanks to this question. I didn’t think about what I felt when she just quit trying to convince me into thinking that I could be better if I wanted. When she eventually said that she was worried, I just said some stuff to make her worry less. I just told her that I won’t harm myself and all I would do is cry more. I said her that she doesn’t need to worry about me and I’ll try to get better.

    That sums up lots of things about me I guess.

    Presumptuous – as in demanding too much, demanding things they don’t deserve?

    Yes, in a way. I thought of some friends when using this word. Demanding, and also not being afraid when you’re demanding. I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

    when someone is spoiled and wants too much, it makes you angry.

    Yes. Angry, more like I resent life. I resent the people that let that happen. I realized another thing this week. I am not a jealous person in general. But when it comes to the things that I cannot get from life, and that I need, I get jealous. Is that always the way with jealousy? I don’t think so. Sometimes, people get jealous of the things that they already have.

    Just an example, I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother. And this could be a teacher, or the life itself. I see the stuff I need and I see other people easily reaching it, without even working for it. And then I get jealous, feel resentment since I cannot reach those stuff I want. Could be love, intimacy, praise or attention.

    Or things you do have the right to, but only believe you don’t? What are some of the things you believe you don’t have the right to, but still want to do?

    I am not sure about this but I’ll give it some time to be able to figure it out. I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky. I might want to enjoy my time like I work a lot harder.

    Dear Anita,

    “He feels like family”-  like the family you have or the family you didn’t have?

    “He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work”- He feels like family, and like (your) family, it simply doesn’t work.  Is my editing of this sentence accurate?

    I think this is more accurate than I thought it would be. I guess it’s pretty hard to realize and to accept that a specific need of oneself is simply corrupted. I thought that’s what I needed, and it’s going to be hard accepting this truth, that I don’t need him, one hundred percent. I hope that I’ve written these right, those were a bit complicated sentences and I might’ve made some mistakes.

    Editing my words and thoughts is necessary, I guess. I see your point, but I guess I’ll need lots of practice about this. I’ve been reading about cognitive behavioural therapy and I’ll read some more about somatic therapy as well. Whatever I can do on my own. I am not as depressive as before, I don’t know how it’ll go. I’ll feel upset again, for sure. I’ll try to handle it better. I know that there’s hope. Thanks for everything.

    #380393
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

    I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother.

    You don’t demand much, unlike your older sister, right? If I remember well, you mentioned once she too was narcissistic, like your father. She could demand stuff for herself, same as your father could. How did your sister behave around your father? Did she have a problem expressing her needs? And around your mother?

    It seems that in your family, your father had the biggest right to demand things, then came your sister, then your mother, and then you. Your mother couldn’t demand things from your father (e.g. she couldn’t demand that she visit her father, or that your father help her with the household). She tolerated the poor treatment and probably suffered in silence. She didn’t demand anything from your father. Is that correct?

    But from you, she demanded not to disturb her with your “minor” problems. Perhaps it wasn’t a direct demand, perhaps she didn’t tell you “Stop bothering me with your problems!”, but she did downplay them, she said they’re nothing compared to her problems. So the effect was the same – she wanted you not to disturb her, i.e. not to demand compassion and understanding from her. I can imagine your sister was different and demanded things more freely from your mother? And got her attention too?

    This makes you feel jealous – because your sister was loud enough and rude enough to get what she wants, without even deserving it. While you silently accepted rejection – you accepted that you won’t get what you want, neither from your mother nor your father. You probably feared that you’d be abandoned if you demand anything (and this fear started very early, when you were a baby and woke up soon after your mother would put you to sleep).

    Recently, when you’ve shared with your mother that you’re depressed, and when you refused to back off, what you got at least is her attention. She got worried about you. You didn’t get her compassion and understanding, but at least you got her attention for a moment, because you didn’t back off immediately. You backed off only after you made your point. That’s when you told her the usual – not to worry, and that you’ll try to get better.

    But still, you made a step, you expressed yourself, so try to appreciate that and get the feel of how it is to express your need without immediately retreating. Actually, I think it’s better in this instance that you reassured your mother that you won’t do anything stupid and that you won’t harm yourself, so she doesn’t worry. However, try practicing expressing your needs more often, and demanding that what is yours, without immediately backing off. You can practice it in imaginary situations first, if you don’t feel like trying it in real life. Practice what you would say to a person (perhaps to your sister?) who you feel doesn’t care about you and doesn’t take your needs into consideration.

    Btw, it’s a normal phase in a child’s development to be very selfish and e.g. not want to share their toys with anybody. A child needs to go through the phase of “it’s mine, give it to me!”, because that’s a key for a healthy personality development. It appears you skipped this phase because you were afraid you’d be abandoned if you demand things for yourself…

    I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky

    More spoiled – like your sister? I think you have the right to demand what’s rightfully yours, by all means. It doesn’t mean being spoiled, but simply having legitimate needs. So I encourage you to be more “spoiled” and as a first step, allow yourself to feel the need inside of you, and to say to yourself “I want this and I deserve this”.

    most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

    Do you know what you need from a relationship? As an exercise, you can write a list of all of the things you’d want in a relationship (you may or may not share it here). And then think – do I deserve this? I bet that most or all of those needs are legitimate needs, and you absolutely deserve them.

     

    #380396
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    A diagram using your words on three posts: your first post of June 7, 2019, your second post on June 22, 2019, and your most recent post today, May 25, 2021:

    “I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears.. I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned by both parents several times.. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone”

    => “I have a big intimacy issue along with the anxious attachment style with partners… I am this needy, I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person… I always worry abut losing (a man’s) affection I guess, or that person.. when it comes to the things that I cannot get from life, and that I need, I get jealous… I get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me… I get jealous, feel resentment since I cannot reach those stuff I want.. love, intimacy, praise or attention”.

    Edited diagram, in my own words (with some of your words):

    Repeated abandonment and unpredictability of loving-attention in childhood=> A strong conviction that there is no one you can depend on=> feeling needy of loving attention/ intimacy on one hand (“I am this needy”), and rejecting loving attention/ intimacy on the other hand (“I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person”).

    Explanation: one would imagine that a repeatedly abandoned girl, having no one to depend on for predictable loving-attention, as an adult would rush into a relationship with a man who can and wants to give her the predictable loving attention she needed so desperately. But often this is not the case, because the unloved girl, over the years of her childhood, has to survive her childhood, and for that purpose, she partly replaces her need for predictable loving-attention with roughness and anger.

    She still needs predictable love but she also needs to protect herself from receiving it and then losing it. Conflicted, she feels and acts very needy with men, then she emotionally withdraws, tough and unemotional, then when the man withdraws, emotionally or physically, she gets needy again, and repeat.

    When she finds herself with a  man who is unpredictable, she doesn’t leave because she expects nothing else.

    “I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/ relationship… I still have a hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much”- you want and you need loving-attention and intimacy and you don’t want it, needing to protect yourself from losing it. The Problem is this Conflict.

    anita

    #380461
    miyoid
    Participant

    You don’t demand much, unlike your older sister, right? If I remember well, you mentioned once she too was narcissistic, like your father. She could demand stuff for herself, same as your father could. How did your sister behave around your father? Did she have a problem expressing her needs? And around your mother?

    She is better when it comes to expressing one’s needs. But she is problematic in relationships as well. She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. She is angry with my mother, she can see the things that my dad did good for us, for example, affecting us in terms of intellectuality. But she never sees the stuff that mom did, she is angry with her. She simply cannot forgive her, or maybe she just doesn’t want to confront some stuff. Also, she cannot get along with our dad, they fight all the time. She is very hard to get along with, just like my dad. She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships. She becomes more like my dad day by day.

     I can imagine your sister was different and demanded things more freely from your mother? And got her attention too?

    I was with my mother when I was a child, meaning, no one else took care of me. I guess there were several periods where I was with someone else, but no one ever affected me in the way I express myself. So I guess, whatever I’ve learned, I’ve learned from my mother. But my sister was with my dad’s mother for a long period of time and I’m sure this affected her a lot. I don’t really know them, my dad’s parents, I was not very close and we didn’t share much. As a result, my sister is much more frigid and narcissistic. She is not uncomfortable making others upset. She always finds a way to do this. Even last week, she manipulated my mother into adopting another cat instead of adopting herself, she made my mother do it. And my mother currently lives with 7-8 cats, just out of softheartedness towards them. Then my mother was stuck between my sister and her husband, not being able to make anyone happy. Now, they’re considering separating because of my sisters’ manipulation and the husband’s intolerance because of him not being able to live with that many cats.

    This makes you feel jealous – because your sister was loud enough and rude enough to get what she wants, without even deserving it.

    No, never. I would never feel jealous of my sister. She has experienced much more violence from dad, even from mom. She was brought up to be like this, and then she ran away to a boarding school not being able to stand any longer. We were apart, all the time. She didn’t know me much, because she didn’t have the time. I feel for her sometimes, she is 11 years older than me. I feel like she might’ve felt jealous of me in old times. It seems like after she ran away, the violence slowly decreased, and then with the divorce, I’ve had a much easier time growing up. And this could be true, I feel luckier than her. She’s got way longer walls than me and this makes me sad. But she can also make me upset sometimes, but I’m used to her being this way. I’ve accepted her the way she is.

    I guess I should try to neutralize myself and try to get a better grasp of what I might need. I’ve talked with my mother for 3 hours today, since they’re in a huge fight because of a tiny cat. And I’ve expressed how she can be overly obsessed with a subject, with animals and how that can be an escape from the humans which she is not comfortable loving. And I’ve also said that I can see this pattern in my life as well. I guess I’ve learned this from her. She accepted, this huge fight eventually made her understand this. But I’m not sure if she’ll try to get better in these terms, she is considering separating, moving to a tiny cheap house with all those cats to overly obsess more and more each day and she calls it freedom.

    #380473
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I didn’t know those details about your sister, e.g. that she’s 11 years older and that she went to boarding school when you were little, so you practically didn’t live together. Also, that she suffered abuse by both of your parents. Was it physical abuse?

    This all paints a different picture. When you said she was narcissistic, I thought she was spoiled and got what she wanted. But that’s probably not true – it seems she didn’t get much, even though she may be better at asking for it.

    Anyway, I made some wrong assumptions. I thought your mother was overburdened by having to take care of 2 small children, and this is what made you feel rejected, causing your fear of abandonment. But it seems it was more complicated than that, and that it was your mother’s character (i.e. her own wounds) that made her abandon you, both physically and emotionally (you said you were “emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times“).

    Probably now these same wounds make her “adore” cats but not love her partner enough to take his needs into consideration. It’s good you’re aware of that mechanism and that you made her aware of it too, even though she might not be willing to change…

    I guess I should try to neutralize myself and try to get a better grasp of what I might need.

    I don’t know what you think of the exercise I suggested in my previous post – to make a list of your needs (e.g. your relationship needs), and see if you can say I need this, and I deserve it. Are you able to say that you deserve it? How does it feel?

    #380924
    miyoid
    Participant

    Also, that she suffered abuse by both of your parents. Was it physical abuse?

    Yes, we both suffered from it, but she suffered way more. Maybe that’s why I cannot feel any resentment or any jealousy towards her. I know that she suffered and continues to suffer, she’s eleven years older than me. She’s seen more, she was hurt more, damaged more and she is way stronger than me. I respect her in that regard. It’s hard being alone in this world but she managed to run away from our house in her childhood and never came back.

    When you said she was narcissistic, I thought she was spoiled and got what she wanted. But that’s probably not true – it seems she didn’t get much, even though she may be better at asking for it.

    The fact that she has narcissistic tendencies makes her a hard person. But she wasn’t properly loved either. She was manipulated in her relationships more than me. She went through a lot of stuff, she had to stand still and she did so. I have never seen myself standstill, I always move with the wind and the wind takes me someplace else to hold on. If I cannot hold on to someone, I seek someone else.

    But I also accepted that she cannot loves me, my mom in a natural way. Her narcissistic tendencies kind of prevent her from seeing us as independent individuals. She texts me, calls me only when she needs me. We weren’t brought up together and maybe that’s why we’re a bit distant.

    It’s good you’re aware of that mechanism and that you made her aware of it too, even though she might not be willing to change…

    She is nowhere near becoming willing to change and that scares me. I made her realize this that day but nothing has changed. She has this unhealthy coping mechanism where she forgets all about herself and devotes herself to the cats she has around. I like that she likes animals, I love them too, that’s my weak spot too. But she is beyond unhealthy. She is now about to end her second marriage and god knows what she might do, she is overly depressed, I’m concerned because I’m not well enough to try to make her better. And this could suffocate both of us. She’ll also face financial hardships if she broke it off, and she’ll have to find someplace else to live. Of course, she has two daughters, therefore two places to stay, she is getting older and older and it really scares me. On the other hand, I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

    It has been hard, I feel alone and I distract myself with work. I see people moving on but I guess everybody is simply depressed these days.

    I was alone when she met him, her current husband. I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her. There was an anonymous guy I met on the internet, never met him, and I even complained about this to him. I remember him pitying me. Then it took like a week for him to leave/ghost unannounced. We were children, it was okay. But It was a very weird experience for me. For the first time, I had somebody I could text with and I have heard some nice words. I was literally over the moon, I even remember forgetting everything cause I was daydreaming the whole time. He wasn’t that disrespectful I guess and he waited till my “big exam” was over. I was able to get a higher grade than normal because I was feeling happy.

    I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms. Also, it’s my birthday and I didn’t expect to feel like this today.

    I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.

    #380925
    anita
    Participant

    H A P P Y   B I R T H D A Y,  Miyoid (Best you can)!!!

    Here is my favorite poem, for your  birthday:

    Hokasai says

    Hokasai says look carefully.
    He says pay attention, notice.
    He says keep looking, stay curious.
    He says there is no end to seeing…

    He says everything is alive–
    shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
    Wood is alive. Water is alive.
    Everything has its own life.
    Everything lives inside us.
    He says live with the world inside you.
    He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
    It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish…

    It matters that you care. It matters that you feel.
    It matters that you notice.
    It matters that life lives through you.

    #380942
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    happy birthday! Although you’re not feeling too happy at the moment, I know…

    I am sorry about your sister – she had a tough time too. You say she’s stronger, maybe in the sense that she left home early and never came back. I guess she became independent from the family earlier? However, you said earlier that she has troubles in her relationships:

    She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. … She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships.

    It appears she too fears abandonment, but in spite of that, she gets abandoned often and ends up alone.

    Regarding your mother, don’t expect that she’d change. It appears she’s getting more and more obsessed with cats and even willing to sacrifice her marriage for that. You’ve noticed it well – it’s her coping mechanism, to distract herself from pain (and from the need to change).

    I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

    Your mother has never given you emotional support, miyoid. She might talk with you and listen to you, but she usually minimizes your problems. But I understand that you now worry what might happen if you’ll have to take care of her. Till now, you didn’t have to take care of her much – either emotionally or physically, did you? Now there’s a threat that she might need your help.

    I believe what you can provide is support in terms of helping her find a place to stay – so concrete, physical actions. But don’t try to provide emotional support, because she’s not really open to it and it would only drain you further. I don’t know if she complains to you or pities herself? But try to separate yourself emotionally from her.

    I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms.

    I know you wish she’d change, but unfortunately it’s not in your domain. Only she can decide that, and right now, it appears she isn’t willing to change. So your possibility to help her is limited. I think you definitely cannot help her emotionally, but as I said, maybe you can offer physical, material help, but also respect your boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can bear, e.g. don’t allow her to move in with you with her 8 cats. Have compassion for her, but also protect your boundaries.

    I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.

    When you say it like this, it sounds like those people tried to love you, but they quit because of you. As if you were unlovable. You know that’s not true – your mother “quit” because she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs. You said she abandoned you both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t your fault, but her inability to meet your needs as a child.

    I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her.

    You obviously spent a lot of time alone, your mother was working till late in the evening, and you were happy to find someone to chat with online, because she was not really available. When she was available physically, she wasn’t available emotionally. She wasn’t there for you. Then your mother met her second husband. And probably she was even less available? Maybe at that time her second husband became her priority, like now her cats are? You were never her priority.

    I know it’s painful, miyoid. But if you believe it’s your fault, you’ll sink into helplessness and self-pity, like you tend to do now. None of it was your fault! You deserved to be cared for, and your mother neglected you. Try to say this to yourself out loud: “I deserved it! And I didn’t get it!” See if you can feel the power of speaking those words. See if it fills you with anger. Because it should. Instead of sinking into helplessness and blaming yourself, allow some anger into your system, which will give you the power to stand up for yourself.

    Let me know what you think about it, and how it felt if you tried speaking it out loud (to yourself, privately, not in front of your mother or anyone else).

     

    #381199
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you, miyoid. You don’t have to reply if you don’t feel like it, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and I hope you are okay.

    anita

    #381896
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you again, miyoid. Hoping that you are okay!

    anita

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