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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 162 total)
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  • #382411
    miyoid
    Participant

    Hi dear Anita,

    I couldn’t bring myself to write something, I was kind of fluctuating between moods. I got back from my hometown and I found out that he started seeing somebody else while I was away. He said that he did that just not to stay alone and it didn’t mean anything. I basically couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. When he said that, by texting, I suffocated. Then I’ve blocked him on every communication channel besides the classic SMS, and he texted there and wanted to see me. He didn’t want to end things this way, with this much hate(?) he said. But hate was nowhere near me, I cannot even get angry with him. I’m just in pain when I think about what happened. I cannot accept the fact that he could touch, speak and basically see another person while I was thinking about him. Being away helped me mentally but when I was back, my home was full of memories, naturally. I spent days crying and then I had to do so much work because of the time I’ve wasted.

    Then he came to see me, to end things peacefully. Since we’ve missed each other very much, it was like in the past again. But the fluctuations continued. One moment he was all in love with me again, and the other moment he was thinking about what he’ll do with the other person. One moment he looks at me and speaks to me with so much love and the other moment he acts very cold, thinking that the best would be if he gets away from everybody.

    I don’t know what to do, I feel so much pain when I think about how could he do those things. Maybe I cannot face reality, there is a part of me who cannot get away, cannot move on, and doesn’t want to move on. I both want to get free from this jail I’ve built.

    #382417
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I do hope that you get free from this jail you’re in.

    Isn’t it interesting how in this world of global warming, political radicalization and pandemic on top of the ongoing crimes on the streets, and so much more-  the small jail cell you are in is all about two people: you and him. And the misery is about his fluctuation of behaviors that are fueling your fluctuations of mood: “I was kind of fluctuating between moods…the fluctuations continued. One moment he was all in love with me again.. looks at me and speaks to me with so much love and the other moment he acts very cold”.

    I am glad that you posted, good to read from you on this Fourth of July, Independent Day, U.S. I wish you broke free of your jail cell. I wish you were Independent of this fluctuating guy.

    anita

    #382465
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I don’t know what to do, I feel so much pain when I think about how could he do those things. Maybe I cannot face reality, there is a part of me who cannot get away, cannot move on, and doesn’t want to move on. I both want to get free from this jail I’ve built.

    Yes, it seems there’s a part of you that wants to stay in a kind of relationship with the guy your rational self knows cannot give you the love you need. But this other part – your inner child – still hopes that he would. He reminds you of your mother: her love was one moment there, and the next it would disappear. You’re repeating the same childhood dynamic with him. The little girl inside of you is still hoping that “mom” would finally commit to her and never abandon her again. It’s the child’s wishful thinking. You’d need to heal that child in order to move on and be free from your prison…

     

    #382476
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I will write more tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours rom now), but for now, I read some of your previous posts and I can’t think of any more of a mismatch between you (suffering from separation anxiety) and him (suffering from symptoms of borderline personality disorder, something you brought up, not something I brought up). His unstable, quickly shifting hot/ cold behaviors toward you, and him seeking other women, is very bad for your mental health. You need a stable boyfriend, someone you can count on, someone you can trust to be the same from moment to moment, day to day.

    I am worried about how much more harm you will suffer since it seems like you are unable/ too scared to separate from him. The entropy you mentioned in your original post of this thread, the movement toward mental disorder and chaos- this has increased because you are in a relationship with a man as acutely unstable as him.

    It seems like you are simply unable to get him/ let him be out of his life.. no matter what he does, just as you were never able to separate/ break up with any man before him, no matter what they did, how they used you and whatnot.

    I hope to read more from you before I return to your thread (it is now almost 5:30 am your time, which may mean that you just went to bed after being up all night..?)

    anita

     

    #382484
    miyoid
    Participant

    the small jail cell you are in is all about two people: you and him. 

    Turns out, he’s not even with me in the jail. I’m here all alone.

    I am worried about how much more harm you will suffer since it seems like you are unable/ too scared to separate from him. The entropy you mentioned in your original post of this thread, the movement toward mental disorder and chaos- this has increased because you are in a relationship with a man as acutely unstable as him.

    I don’t know what will happen but we lost communication again, these fluctuations are killing me, I know. However, I cannot ignore him, I cannot draw a fine line. I’m terrified of losing him to another person. I tend to think about all the stuff I endured and I know that he’s learned a lot from our relationship. He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. He learned what works and what doesn’t with me and he’s ready to be more healthy with somebody else. This double standard kills me.

    #382490
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I re-read a lot of our communication on this thread this morning, and I don’t want to repeat what I already wrote in many essay-like posts. I want to write more simply to you today, and I will try:

    Two days ago, July 4, you wrote: “I.. want to get free from this jail”. I then suggested to you, by mistake, that you and your boyfriend are in a jail cell. You corrected me, saying: “he’s not even with me in the jail. I’m here all alone”-

    I think that what’s keeping you alone in this jail cell is fear, and fear is the reason behind your arrested development, meaning, behind you being a 23 year old woman stuck/ imprisoned in the emotional brain of a 3 year old.

    When you really were a 3-year old girl, and onward, you suffered from a severe lack of consistent loving attention, for too long.

    For a child, a consistent-enough loving attention is like a solid ground that makes it possible for the child to stand up and walk around. A severely inconsistent loving attention is like a very shaky ground, making it too scary for the child to stand up and walk around for fear of falling down.

    When you were a child, to avoid falling down, you stayed down most of the time (if one doesn’t stand up- one doesn’t fall). Mostly, you did not go out and about, socializing with children your age, which would have required you to stand up, walk and run. Instead you spend many, many hours sitting in front of the computer.

    As a very young adult, in your relationships with men- you stayed down as well by enduring any and all of their misbehaviors, including your current boyfriend’s misbehaviors, never standing up and walking out (“they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored”, June 2019).

    In Oct 2020, you wrote about your childhood: “there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed..  I thought I would be loved someday”- 90% of the time you were down/ depressed, but you hoped that some day, the ground underneath you will stop shaking, and you will be able to stand up, walk around.. maybe even run.

    About that childhood hope and what happened to that hope, you wrote back then: “Even though I was depressed, I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then.. I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing”-

    – Notice, you wrote that when you were a child, you were able to motivate yourself to hold  on, as in trying to stand on shaky ground, or a ground that may start shaking at any time, by holding on to a wall, or holding on to a heavy piece of furniture and use it to stand up and do what you needed to do: study, hoping that if you study well, you will finally be able to stand on solid ground.

    But.. it didn’t work out and your hope has lessened and lessened- that’s the mental abyss you mentioned, seems to me: the lack of hope.

    In April 2o21, you wrote: “I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those… I just wanted outcomes, not processes”-

    – The process requires standing up and walking around for too long, which is too dangerous when the ground is shaky, and you are in danger of falling at any time. The outcome you wanted has always been a solid ground.

    “There is no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent”- a shaky ground is indeed inconsistent.

    I think I developed my shaky ground concept long enough.

    Question is, what can you do now: how can you overcome the fear of standing up, how can you motivate yourself to stand up and walk out of that jail cell when the fear is too strong and the hope is too weak?

    Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

    – is this still your answer still?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #382687
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s getting weird each day. I feel like I’m on a new episode of being miserable. I kept living the same cycle over and over again with him and we kept coming back to each other after those crises. It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion. In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people. So we haven’t been in contact since, it kind of breaks my heart. When I come across the marks his posters left on the walls, I felt miserable. I felt like I couldn’t resist the time, time just passed away and we got away from each other without me realizing it.

    I feel different, I feel alone most of the time. I keep doing my tasks, my projects, job stuff, and it’s going well. It has been a year since my graduation. The birthday we’ve spent together was my first relaxed earned weekend since that graduation. Then we lost contact. Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly. I needed a year to be able to do that but he just didn’t want to endure this time.

    I feel like I’m using lots of ‘he’s when I should be using ‘I’s, but I cannot help thinking about him sometimes. I’ve read your post yesterday, and I also got a rejection mail from a bootcamp. I’m used to being rejected by these kinds of events or jobs, it happens, that’s life. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was rejected by the only person I thought did accept me as a whole. I don’t know if this is the ego talking or the love, I don’t know what should I focus on.

    He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. 

    This is my previous post and I’m still trying to figure out what this feeling says about me. Is this me being self-centered? I even see stuff like this in my dreams. It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that. Maybe I’m putting too much responsibility here, but I wanted to express my feelings as they come.

    Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

    – is this still your answer still?

    It is not, I don’t feel empty. I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life. I feel pain and it gets smaller and bigger. Other than that I just try to handle the things I should do and I’m doing fine regarding that. I’ll spare a night for myself and see an emotional movie. I’ll probably cry, and then maybe sleep. I’m safe but I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll be okay. Sorry about all these emotional postings.

    #382693
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people”-

    But miyoid, of course he’ll make the same mistakes, and more mistakes, with other women. He said he wouldn’t- but from all that you shared about him, there is no way that he will magically become mentally healthy and not repeat his mistakes with another woman. Actually, when he suggested that he made mistakes- that’s a euphemism. A much more accurate wording would be to say that he is and has been severely mentally ill.

    “Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly”-

    He expressed to you jealousy about you having spent more together- time with other men before him, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted to, or that he was able to spend more together-time with you. His jealousy and ability/ willingness to spend much together time with you are two separate things.

    From your previous post: “He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone”- he said he learned. He didn’t learn because he has been and still is severely mentally ill. Not long ago you had to take away from him razor blades and a rope so he doesn’t cut/ hang himself, and he was hospitalized- these indicate severe mental illness.

    “It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that….  I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life”-

    – Miyoid,  the fact that you have been with him all this time and that the only way to have separated from him was if he made it happen indicates to me that your mental health is lacking. You have to take yourself and your mental health seriously. I know you feel old, but you are so very young, in your very early 20s. You can have a better life. The way it has been so far doesn’t have to  be the way it will always be.

    I hope to read from you soon.

    anita

     

    #382747
    miyoid
    Participant

    So I must learn to get over this by myself. I must learn to be peaceful and feel safe on my own.

    You can have a better life. The way it has been so far doesn’t have to  be the way it will always be.

    I guess you’re right. I sometimes feel so powerless that I cannot help but think those desperate thoughts, I feel like it’s hell without him. It’s going to be a bit hard, I’ve never managed to get over something all alone. I cannot trick myself into another dependant relationship anymore, I know that. I’ve even lost the courage and energy to do that. I don’t feel that naive. I guess I’ll always miss him because of the family-like feelings he made me feel.

    #382748
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I will reply to you in a few hours. I hope that you feel comfortable to post anytime, add your thoughts, express yourself, whenever you want to.

    anita

    #382763
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I’ve been away longer than I expected. I want to be refreshed when I reply, so I will be back to you Mon morning my time, in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #382780
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “So I must learn to get over this by myself. I must learn to be peaceful and feel safe on my own… I cannot trick myself into another dependent relationship…  I’ll always miss him because of the family-like feelings he made me feel”-

    (1) About the “dependent relationship” part of the quote above: there is a term called interdependence. Wikipedia: “In relationships, interdependence is the degree to which members of the group are mutually dependent on the others. This concept differs from a dependent relationship, where some members are dependent and some are not”.

    In a healthy romantic/love relationship, both parties are dependent on each other. Both parties are weak and strong. The woman has to be strong-enough for the man, and he has to be strong-enough for her. It is therefore important that in the future, miyoid, you don’t accept just anyone as your boyfriend. Instead: choose a man who is strong-enough to be in an interdependent relationship with you. And within the relationship, be strong enough for him. If you again accept a man like your most recent boyfriend, a man who is severely mentally ill- a healthy relationship will not be possible yet again.

    (2) About the “family-like feelings” that he made you feel: as you know, you did not/ could not choose the family you were born into. But you do have the opportunity to choose a boyfriend.

    (3) About the “feel safe on my own” part of the quote: try to aim at feeling safer, instead of feeling safe. I personally have to endure some anxiety every day, and aim at being mentally healthy while anxiety is part of my life. I can’t imagine any person who does not suffer from some anxiety every day, not in our world of violence, sickness, global warming, and so on.

    anita

    #382781
    miyoid
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, it’s like my escape road from anxiety. Whenever I feel vulnerable, anxious, I can take a break and just come here to feel more neutral. I’m trying to deal with my thoughts at the moment, again, I have contact with him. I know that he is not so well either but I know that this was the right decision. It’s not going to be healthy for us to try again and again. In fact, I knew that long before, I felt it long before. But even though I could felt it, maybe it was easier to hold on to him, to the connection. Whenever I feel vulnerable, I’m still well aware of the fact that it wasn’t healthy for me and him. But that vulnerability or anxiety makes me want the connection one more time, without any further intention. No plans, no nothing. I just feel the need for that connection without any logic.

    #382782
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You are welcome. “Whenever I feel vulnerable..  that vulnerability or anxiety makes me want the connection one more time, without any further intention. No plans, no nothing. I just feel the need for that connection without any logic”-

    You can’t get rid of your strong need for connection. But you can open your eyes,  see and choose a man who you can connect with and depend on him and on the connection. This most recent boyfriend is not a man you can depend on, and therefore, the connection with him broke again and again.

    A child does not have the opportunity to choose her parents. But you have the opportunity to choose a boyfriend. When your eyes are closed, logic is not available for you, and “that vulnerability or anxiety” guides you. When your eyes are open, logic is available to guide you.

    anita

    #382796
    miyoid
    Participant

    It’s very unfamiliar and hard for me to choose logic when I can see that vulnerability. He contacted me asking for a road trip, possibly a trip which would take a week, like a holiday. I couldn’t understand it, I asked him why. I asked him if he really asks, cause I was ready to accept it and schedule my everything according to that. I was very regretful that we haven’t had the opportunity to have this kind of a thing, a holiday. Then he reacted to me, I guess I was asking rather in a cold tone. I asked what he thought would happen, I wanted a sincere answer. His answer was that probably I would see something like that message from that day.

     It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion.

    This is from my earlier post, so he thought this would happen again and I would make it hell for him by being jealous. Then I told him that I’ve expressed what I felt, it was not my fault that it hurt me.

    He made me believe that we could have a nice time again, but then everything collapsed again. He told that he wanted this for a moment but it took 3 seconds till my reaction. I’ve been miserable since and it has been an hour.

    I cannot understand, cannot perceive what’s happening. I feel like I’m not used to this and I deserve appropriate face-to-face conservation rather than a vague reaction and it hurts me that we’re having these conversations on phone or by texting. Maybe I’ll ask for one last favor from him to clear things out for the last time.

    I know that this is not healthy at all, I know I’m not healthy and I know he’s not either. I know that we shouldn’t be in contact at least till both of us gets healthier. But I cannot hold on to anything. I feel like I need something, I feel like I need just one solid rock to hold on to. Anything.

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 162 total)

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